In my previous post I wrote about a piece of research that found gender and marital status seem to enhance or lessen the likelihood of long-term sobriety. Specifically, the researchers found that 8 years after completing treatment, married men and unmarried women were more likely to be clean and sober, while unmarried men and married women were less likely to remain abstinent. In that post I wrote about why married men are more likely to stay clean and sober than unmarried men.
Today's post is about why unmarried women seen to do better in recovery than married women. Joan and Hank are a couple who illustrate the difficulties married women encounter in recovery. When they came to see me, Joan had about 18 months of sobriety. They called me because they were having trouble with the sexual part of their relationship. Joan had met Hank in a bar when she was still drinking and quickly fell into a sexual relationship with him. Before she got sober, she and Hank usually split a bottle of wine and/or got stoned before going to bed for sex. Both Joan and Hank reported that Joan had been very involved in their sexual encounters during this part of their relationship, and both of them spoke about how delighted they both were with the sexual part of their relationship.
Joan surrendered to the reality of her alcoholism, attended a 30-day outpatient program, and began going to AA meetings about 6 months after she and Hank got married. Her discomfort with sex, which actually began shortly after the wedding, escalated after she got clean and sober to the point that she had begun to dread the times when Hank approached her for sex. Hank, who was still drinking and using pot on the weekends, was frustrated and impatient with Joan about her lack of sexual desire. He blamed the situation on Joan's participation in AA, saying Joan was being influenced by "those AA dykes who hate men." Needless to say, Hank's attitude and behavior only added to Joan's difficulties in wanting to be sexual.
As we explored Joan's past, I realized that Joan had probably been sexually abused by her dad's alcoholic brother. Joan acknowledged how her uncle would always want her to sit on his lap and give him a kiss when he visited and how he made sexually inappropriate remarks in her presence, but she had no memory of any direct sexual encounters. It was clear, however, that talking about this uncle stirred up angry and unhappy feelings. When Joan married Hank, some of these feelings began to emerge when she and Hank were making love; they became much stronger after she sobered up.
Joan's probable sexual abuse (I would label her uncle's behavior as sexually abusive even if he never had intercourse with her or persuaded her to perform oral sex on him) is not at all uncommon for women who have become addicted to alcohol or drugs. In fact, my wife, S, who is also a therapist, has worked with at least 200-300 alcoholic/addict women over the past 25 years, and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM was either sexual abused or the victim of unwanted, inappropriate sexual behavior before becoming adults. Drinking alcoholically and/or using mind-altering drugs became a way of coping with the pain, anger, and shame these women experienced as a result of the abuse.
A common coping mechanism for people who have been sexually abused is to split off sexual feelings from the feelings of emotional vulnerability. It is as if a person can be sexual as long as their is no commitment to an ongoing deep emotional connection. But when an alcoholic woman who was sexually abused as a child marries and also sobers up, she is suddenly quite vulnerable emotionally, opening herself up to the pain, anger, and shame of her sexual abuse whenever she and her husband try to make love. One way to avoid these feelings is to shut down her sexual desire; hence Joan's loss of sexual interest in Hank after they married and she got sober.
Hank's response to Joan's apparent loss of libido only made things worse. She was trapped between stirring up uncomfortable feelings if she engaged in sex and being the recipient of Hank's anger and contempt if she didn't. It is not surprising, therefore, that Joan went back out and resumed drinking a few weeks after she and Hank began seeing me. It was the only way she knew how to cope in a marriage that neither supported her sobriety nor helped her work through her childhood history of sexual abuse. I suspect this kind of situation is one the primary reasons that married women are less likely than unmarried women to achieve long-term sobriety.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Gender, Part One---Gender in Recovery, Part One
I recently read a piece of research about the differences in recovery by marital status and gender. The article was based on an 8-year follow-up of people who had completed treatment for alcoholism and/or addiction. The findings were intriguing. Married men were more likely to remain clean and sober than unmarried men. On the other hand, it was unmarried women who were more likely to still be clean and sober after 8 years (married women actually had a higher rate of abstinence after one year of recovery, but more married than unmarried women failed to remain abstinent over the 8 year period.) The authors of the article said the finding was unexpected and were at a loss for the explanation.
Based on my observations both in 12-Step meetings and in my work as a couples therapist, I think part of the reason for these findings has to do with how sexuality affects men and women differently in recovery. I have come to believe that the majority of men who are addicted to alcohol or other substances are also sex addicts. Whether it be obsessive viewing of online pornography, frequent trips to strip clubs,
repeated encounters with prostitutes, compulsive masturbation, or continuing "womanizing," we alcoholic/addict men are prone to act out sexually in ways that are risky for both our sobriety and our chances of developing and maintaining healthy, satisfying relationships.
My client George is a good example. George sobered up about six years ago. He was married at the time, but the marriage was in bad shape both because of George's drinking and his habit of going to strip clubs to drink. After he sobered up, George stopped going to strip clubs because of the threat to his sobriety; but he soon discovered Internet pornography and spent an increasing amount of his late evening time at home masturbating while viewing Internet pornography. About two years into his recovery, George's wife announced she was divorcing him because of his obsession with online pornography.
George came very close to picking up a drink after his wife left, but was able to stay sober with the support of his sponsor and the friends he had made in AA. Despite the failure of the marriage, George was initially unwilling to admit he was addicted to online pornography. He insisted it was harmless and something "all guys do altho they may not talk about it." He got involved in several short-term relationships after the divorce, but they didn't develop into anything significant.
About two years ago, George came to see me for counseling for help with his seeming inability to find the "right" woman. Eventually George admitted that his use of pornography and his compulsive masturbation were signs of a sexual addiction, and he began to attend SA meetings. It took awhile, but he finally was able to stop viewing pornography and to let go of the compulsive masturbation that went along with it.
And then about six months ago George met Bridget through a mutual friend. They hit it off and soon began seeing a lot of each other. George says he is experiencing the kind of emotional and sexual intimacy with Bridget he has always longed for, and he is clear that going back to Internet pornography would seriously damage their relationship. But a few weeks ago, Bridget left town to spend a few weeks with her seriously ill mother, and George reports that he is struggling not to go back online and just "check out" a few pornography sites.
As we explored what was underneath his desire to check out some pornography sites, George became aware of how much he misses Bridget and how lonely he feels without her presence. He was able to connect those feelings with the loneliness he felt during most of his childhood with a father who was always working and a mother who drank alcoholically as a way of medicating her own feelings of loneliness. George said he discovered by the age of 10 that masturbation could make those lonely feelings go away and that eventually he no longer noticed his loneliness and desire for emotional connection. He also said that in the past he wouldn't even have been aware of missing Bridget, his attitude being basically one of "out of sight, out of mind"--which was probably literally true for him.
So far I have never met an alcoholic or addicted man who grew up in a warm, loving family with a secure attachment to his parents. Although I have heard men in recovery make generalized statements about having had a happy childhood or having grown up in a good family, they either are not able to give specific examples of what made their childhood family a happy, loving one or they acknowledge not feeling very attached to their family when they were children. Not having met any men in recovery who grew up in loving, supportive families doesn't mean they do not exist; but they are definitely in the minority of those who develop the disease of alcoholism or addiction.. More importantly, I have heard far more men in recovery talk about growing up in families with alcoholic/addicted parents, angry, hostile parents, punitive parents, unavailable parents. Thus it is no surprise that most of the men I have known in recovery could be classified as having an avoidant attachment style.
Having an avoidant attachment style means not being aware of a longing for emotional connection or minimizing its importance. But all of us are born with the desire to be closely connected to someone, so a lack of awareness of such a need as an adult does not mean an absence of such a need. Add to that the fact that many, many men view sex as a way to get close, and it makes sense that many of us who are alcoholics and/or addicts become obsessed with sex in one form or another as either a way to connect at least briefly or as a way to anesthetize our feelings of loneliness and longing for connection. If we are going to find our way to a secure, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship in recovery, we must take a look at our sexual attitudes and behaviors to see where they cause relationship problems.
Lastly, I have come to believe that one of the reasons that marriage or a "new love interest" (Vaillant) greatly enhances the chances for long-term sobriety for men is the way a happy intimate relationship takes away many of the reasons we become alcoholics or addicts in the first place. A partner whom we trust and love provides us with the kind of emotional connection that most of us lacked during our childhoods and the years we were drinking and using. Although we may have married someone before we got into recovery who could have provided that kind of connection, our drinking and using lead us to behave in ways that seriously disrupted the relationship. It is only when we are clean and sober and willing to do the necessary work to heal and sustain a marriage that we reap the benefits of marriage to our sobriety.
Based on my observations both in 12-Step meetings and in my work as a couples therapist, I think part of the reason for these findings has to do with how sexuality affects men and women differently in recovery. I have come to believe that the majority of men who are addicted to alcohol or other substances are also sex addicts. Whether it be obsessive viewing of online pornography, frequent trips to strip clubs,
repeated encounters with prostitutes, compulsive masturbation, or continuing "womanizing," we alcoholic/addict men are prone to act out sexually in ways that are risky for both our sobriety and our chances of developing and maintaining healthy, satisfying relationships.
My client George is a good example. George sobered up about six years ago. He was married at the time, but the marriage was in bad shape both because of George's drinking and his habit of going to strip clubs to drink. After he sobered up, George stopped going to strip clubs because of the threat to his sobriety; but he soon discovered Internet pornography and spent an increasing amount of his late evening time at home masturbating while viewing Internet pornography. About two years into his recovery, George's wife announced she was divorcing him because of his obsession with online pornography.
George came very close to picking up a drink after his wife left, but was able to stay sober with the support of his sponsor and the friends he had made in AA. Despite the failure of the marriage, George was initially unwilling to admit he was addicted to online pornography. He insisted it was harmless and something "all guys do altho they may not talk about it." He got involved in several short-term relationships after the divorce, but they didn't develop into anything significant.
About two years ago, George came to see me for counseling for help with his seeming inability to find the "right" woman. Eventually George admitted that his use of pornography and his compulsive masturbation were signs of a sexual addiction, and he began to attend SA meetings. It took awhile, but he finally was able to stop viewing pornography and to let go of the compulsive masturbation that went along with it.
And then about six months ago George met Bridget through a mutual friend. They hit it off and soon began seeing a lot of each other. George says he is experiencing the kind of emotional and sexual intimacy with Bridget he has always longed for, and he is clear that going back to Internet pornography would seriously damage their relationship. But a few weeks ago, Bridget left town to spend a few weeks with her seriously ill mother, and George reports that he is struggling not to go back online and just "check out" a few pornography sites.
As we explored what was underneath his desire to check out some pornography sites, George became aware of how much he misses Bridget and how lonely he feels without her presence. He was able to connect those feelings with the loneliness he felt during most of his childhood with a father who was always working and a mother who drank alcoholically as a way of medicating her own feelings of loneliness. George said he discovered by the age of 10 that masturbation could make those lonely feelings go away and that eventually he no longer noticed his loneliness and desire for emotional connection. He also said that in the past he wouldn't even have been aware of missing Bridget, his attitude being basically one of "out of sight, out of mind"--which was probably literally true for him.
So far I have never met an alcoholic or addicted man who grew up in a warm, loving family with a secure attachment to his parents. Although I have heard men in recovery make generalized statements about having had a happy childhood or having grown up in a good family, they either are not able to give specific examples of what made their childhood family a happy, loving one or they acknowledge not feeling very attached to their family when they were children. Not having met any men in recovery who grew up in loving, supportive families doesn't mean they do not exist; but they are definitely in the minority of those who develop the disease of alcoholism or addiction.. More importantly, I have heard far more men in recovery talk about growing up in families with alcoholic/addicted parents, angry, hostile parents, punitive parents, unavailable parents. Thus it is no surprise that most of the men I have known in recovery could be classified as having an avoidant attachment style.
Having an avoidant attachment style means not being aware of a longing for emotional connection or minimizing its importance. But all of us are born with the desire to be closely connected to someone, so a lack of awareness of such a need as an adult does not mean an absence of such a need. Add to that the fact that many, many men view sex as a way to get close, and it makes sense that many of us who are alcoholics and/or addicts become obsessed with sex in one form or another as either a way to connect at least briefly or as a way to anesthetize our feelings of loneliness and longing for connection. If we are going to find our way to a secure, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship in recovery, we must take a look at our sexual attitudes and behaviors to see where they cause relationship problems.
Lastly, I have come to believe that one of the reasons that marriage or a "new love interest" (Vaillant) greatly enhances the chances for long-term sobriety for men is the way a happy intimate relationship takes away many of the reasons we become alcoholics or addicts in the first place. A partner whom we trust and love provides us with the kind of emotional connection that most of us lacked during our childhoods and the years we were drinking and using. Although we may have married someone before we got into recovery who could have provided that kind of connection, our drinking and using lead us to behave in ways that seriously disrupted the relationship. It is only when we are clean and sober and willing to do the necessary work to heal and sustain a marriage that we reap the benefits of marriage to our sobriety.
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Steps and Relationships in Recovery---Concluding Post
Most married folks in AA have very happy homes. To a surprising extent, AA has offset the damage to family life brought about by years of alcoholism. Permanent marriage breakups and separations are unusual in AA.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Would that the above statement were as true today as it may have been when written more than fifty years ago. It would be wonderful if going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps were all that is needed to have a happy home in recovery. But my experience as a marital therapist as well as my observations as an active member of AA tell me otherwise. Working the steps is a necessary part of finding marital happiness in sobriety, but for most couples today it is far from being sufficient. Making relationships work in recovery requires more knowledge and skills than can be gained simply by working the steps.
Making any marriage work requires much more effort these days than it did when 12 Steps and 12 Traditions was written. During the Fifties, divorce was not seen as a real possibility for most couples even when partners in a marriage were deeply unhappy with each other. In such circumstances husband and wife often separated emotionally, living parallel lives, but they were less likely to separate physically and even less likely to end their marriage altogether. Nor was living together without being married viewed as a viable option by most couples a half century ago.
The Sixties and Seventies saw a major change in societal attitudes and practices regarding marriage and divorce. If one or both partners came to feel that their differences were insurmountable and remaining together was too painful emotionally, then separation and divorce became the solution for many couples. Although the divorce rate has diminished somewhat in the last two decades, it remains substantially higher today than it was for the parents of the Baby Boomers. As a result, staying married has become an ongoing choice, not an obligation---and that means that all couples, in recovery or not, have to acquire the skills and outlook that make it possible to stay together when the going gets (or has been) rough.
I suspect that the AA marriages Bill W was talking about in 12 Steps and 12 Traditions were not quite as happy as Bill stated. First of all, I wonder how happy and close Bill and Lois actually were in view of Bill's continuing extra-marital affairs. But more important, I wonder how accurate Bill's perceptions were about the marriages of other early AA members. I can't tell you how many times in the last 25 years a husband/boyfriend has urgently called my office requesting a first meeting ASAP because his wife/girlfriend has just announced she wants to end their relationship---in the initial counseling session I invariably hear the woman talk about how she has long been unhappy about the relationship and has repeatedly voiced that dissatisfaction, but the husband/boyfriend seemed unable/unwilling to hear her unhappiness until she had reached the point of no return and was ready to walk out the door. So I have become a bit suspicious when a guy in recovery pronounces his relationship as happy and free of problems unless I have also heard the same thing from his wife/girlfriend. We men seem to have a huge blindspot when it comes to accurately perceiving the state of our intimate relationships.
And that brings me to the next issue I want to talk about in this blog: gender. Men and women really are different, and those differences are significant when it comes to making a relationship work in recovery.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Would that the above statement were as true today as it may have been when written more than fifty years ago. It would be wonderful if going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps were all that is needed to have a happy home in recovery. But my experience as a marital therapist as well as my observations as an active member of AA tell me otherwise. Working the steps is a necessary part of finding marital happiness in sobriety, but for most couples today it is far from being sufficient. Making relationships work in recovery requires more knowledge and skills than can be gained simply by working the steps.
Making any marriage work requires much more effort these days than it did when 12 Steps and 12 Traditions was written. During the Fifties, divorce was not seen as a real possibility for most couples even when partners in a marriage were deeply unhappy with each other. In such circumstances husband and wife often separated emotionally, living parallel lives, but they were less likely to separate physically and even less likely to end their marriage altogether. Nor was living together without being married viewed as a viable option by most couples a half century ago.
The Sixties and Seventies saw a major change in societal attitudes and practices regarding marriage and divorce. If one or both partners came to feel that their differences were insurmountable and remaining together was too painful emotionally, then separation and divorce became the solution for many couples. Although the divorce rate has diminished somewhat in the last two decades, it remains substantially higher today than it was for the parents of the Baby Boomers. As a result, staying married has become an ongoing choice, not an obligation---and that means that all couples, in recovery or not, have to acquire the skills and outlook that make it possible to stay together when the going gets (or has been) rough.
I suspect that the AA marriages Bill W was talking about in 12 Steps and 12 Traditions were not quite as happy as Bill stated. First of all, I wonder how happy and close Bill and Lois actually were in view of Bill's continuing extra-marital affairs. But more important, I wonder how accurate Bill's perceptions were about the marriages of other early AA members. I can't tell you how many times in the last 25 years a husband/boyfriend has urgently called my office requesting a first meeting ASAP because his wife/girlfriend has just announced she wants to end their relationship---in the initial counseling session I invariably hear the woman talk about how she has long been unhappy about the relationship and has repeatedly voiced that dissatisfaction, but the husband/boyfriend seemed unable/unwilling to hear her unhappiness until she had reached the point of no return and was ready to walk out the door. So I have become a bit suspicious when a guy in recovery pronounces his relationship as happy and free of problems unless I have also heard the same thing from his wife/girlfriend. We men seem to have a huge blindspot when it comes to accurately perceiving the state of our intimate relationships.
And that brings me to the next issue I want to talk about in this blog: gender. Men and women really are different, and those differences are significant when it comes to making a relationship work in recovery.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Step Twelve, Part Three---13th Stepping
It is only where "boy meets girl on A.A. campus," and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop. The prospective partners need to be solid A.A's and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking. They need to be sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under pressures to cripple them.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
This is such important advice, and any good sponsor will be familiar with it. The 12-Step emphasis on avoiding any major changes in one's life during the first year as much as possible is particularly apropos when it comes to relationships---neither entering into a romantic relationship nor ending an ongoing relationship for the first year of recovery. Beginning or ending a relationship is highly stressful (although it doesn't feel that way at first when we have fallen in love and life seems so beautiful), and successful early recovery depends on keeping the stresses in one's life to a minimum. All of us with some time in the program have watched newcomers disregard this advice and the results have usually been poor if not disastrous.
And yet, and yet. My own experience flies in the face of this advice. Soon after I met S, realized I was (and am) an alcoholic/addict, and got clean and sober through Alcoholics Anonymous, S and I started dating seriously. We began living together when I had less than six months sobriety. 23 years later, we are still together, quite happily married, and our relationship is a cornerstone of my sobriety.
There are several reasons, it seems to me, why we were able to form a close relationship so early in my recovery that didn't threaten my sobriety. First, S had been involved in Alanon for many years before she met me and had learned how to detach with love when I would start to be a little squirrely. Second, I had been divorced for 8 years and had been celibate for almost a year before S and I met, so I was ready and emotionally available for a serious relationship once I got clean and sober. Finally, S told me she decided to take a chance on me despite my lack of time in the program because "you do your work." By that she meant that my willingness not only to get deeply involved in recovery, but also my willingness to use any other tools (personal therapy, couples counseling, reading, and talking with S) that would enhance both my recovery and my ability to be a responsible partner in our relationship.
It was not all smooth sailing by any means. I acted out in a dry drunk manner far too many times during the first year of our relationship. Several times I was convinced we weren't going to make it. But S's steadfastness and love for me, my deep love and admiration for her, and my willingness to take responsibility for my crazy behavior and seek to change it kept us together through the difficult times. Looking back, I have come to believe that my recovery has occurred because of our relationship during my early sobriety, not in spite of it.
In his wonderful long-term study of alcoholic men (The Natural History of Alcoholism: Causes, Patterns, and Paths to Recovery), George Vaillant found that AA was by far the most frequent reason that the men in his study were able to get sober and remain sober. But he also found that "a new love relationship---unscarred by the mixture of guilt and multiple psychic wounds that alcoholics inflict upon those whom they love--becomes valuable in maintaining abstinence."
That has certainly been true for me. Although S knows all about my drinking and using and the many problems it caused me and others close to me, she has never experienced me being drunk and/or loaded. There is no guilt for me to carry because of multiple psychic wounds inflicted on S before I got clean and sober. As a result, it has been much easier for our relationship to remain "current," so long as I practice the 10th Step, consciously taking my inventory and making prompt amends when I am wrong.
So I can't say that getting involved in a new love relationship in early recovery is always a mistake, is always a serious threat to continued sobriety. Most of the time, staying out of new relationships until a solid foundation of recovery has been built is excellent advice. This is especially true about relationships formed between two people new to recovery. Both of them lack the emotional stability and the relationship skills to make a partnership work. The odds of being able to achieve a good relationship are very low, while the odds of one or both of them going back out to drinking and using are very high. But if we meet someone who loves us, sees the person we can become provided we take our recovery seriously and work very hard to change, and can stay fairly balanced and detached whenever we momentarily fall down in our efforts, then I agree with Vaillant's findings that a new love interest can be a core part of our successful path to recovery.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
This is such important advice, and any good sponsor will be familiar with it. The 12-Step emphasis on avoiding any major changes in one's life during the first year as much as possible is particularly apropos when it comes to relationships---neither entering into a romantic relationship nor ending an ongoing relationship for the first year of recovery. Beginning or ending a relationship is highly stressful (although it doesn't feel that way at first when we have fallen in love and life seems so beautiful), and successful early recovery depends on keeping the stresses in one's life to a minimum. All of us with some time in the program have watched newcomers disregard this advice and the results have usually been poor if not disastrous.
And yet, and yet. My own experience flies in the face of this advice. Soon after I met S, realized I was (and am) an alcoholic/addict, and got clean and sober through Alcoholics Anonymous, S and I started dating seriously. We began living together when I had less than six months sobriety. 23 years later, we are still together, quite happily married, and our relationship is a cornerstone of my sobriety.
There are several reasons, it seems to me, why we were able to form a close relationship so early in my recovery that didn't threaten my sobriety. First, S had been involved in Alanon for many years before she met me and had learned how to detach with love when I would start to be a little squirrely. Second, I had been divorced for 8 years and had been celibate for almost a year before S and I met, so I was ready and emotionally available for a serious relationship once I got clean and sober. Finally, S told me she decided to take a chance on me despite my lack of time in the program because "you do your work." By that she meant that my willingness not only to get deeply involved in recovery, but also my willingness to use any other tools (personal therapy, couples counseling, reading, and talking with S) that would enhance both my recovery and my ability to be a responsible partner in our relationship.
It was not all smooth sailing by any means. I acted out in a dry drunk manner far too many times during the first year of our relationship. Several times I was convinced we weren't going to make it. But S's steadfastness and love for me, my deep love and admiration for her, and my willingness to take responsibility for my crazy behavior and seek to change it kept us together through the difficult times. Looking back, I have come to believe that my recovery has occurred because of our relationship during my early sobriety, not in spite of it.
In his wonderful long-term study of alcoholic men (The Natural History of Alcoholism: Causes, Patterns, and Paths to Recovery), George Vaillant found that AA was by far the most frequent reason that the men in his study were able to get sober and remain sober. But he also found that "a new love relationship---unscarred by the mixture of guilt and multiple psychic wounds that alcoholics inflict upon those whom they love--becomes valuable in maintaining abstinence."
That has certainly been true for me. Although S knows all about my drinking and using and the many problems it caused me and others close to me, she has never experienced me being drunk and/or loaded. There is no guilt for me to carry because of multiple psychic wounds inflicted on S before I got clean and sober. As a result, it has been much easier for our relationship to remain "current," so long as I practice the 10th Step, consciously taking my inventory and making prompt amends when I am wrong.
So I can't say that getting involved in a new love relationship in early recovery is always a mistake, is always a serious threat to continued sobriety. Most of the time, staying out of new relationships until a solid foundation of recovery has been built is excellent advice. This is especially true about relationships formed between two people new to recovery. Both of them lack the emotional stability and the relationship skills to make a partnership work. The odds of being able to achieve a good relationship are very low, while the odds of one or both of them going back out to drinking and using are very high. But if we meet someone who loves us, sees the person we can become provided we take our recovery seriously and work very hard to change, and can stay fairly balanced and detached whenever we momentarily fall down in our efforts, then I agree with Vaillant's findings that a new love interest can be a core part of our successful path to recovery.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Step Twelve, Part Two---Carrying the Message
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other couples, and to practice these principles in all aspects of our lives, our relationships, and our families.
Step Twelve, Recovering Couples Anonymous
In 12-Step meetings we share our experience, strength, and hope about our recovery as a way of carrying the message about recovery from addiction to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers. By telling our story of what our life was like before we stopped drinking and using and what our life has become in recovery, we let newcomers know there is a solution to the problem of addiction and we support each other to remain committed to recovery.
I wish there were more willingness among those of us in good relationships to share the experience, strength, and hope about this part of recovery. What I have heard in meetings about relationships tends to be either how difficult and unhappy they are or a general statement about being in a good relationship without any details about what makes the relationship a good one or what the person has done to get to that place. I think it would be helpful if those of us in happy, loving relationships were more willing to talk about what we have learned and what we have done in recovery to develop and maintain such relationships.
This is an important way of carrying the message to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers because almost all of us are either in fairly dysfunctional relationships or no relationship before we surrender and begin the process of recovery. It is so helpful when we are struggling with that First Step and the implications it has for our lives to hear people talk about the possibility of being in a truly loving relationship when clean and sober.
It is also an important way of carrying the message to those of us in recovery who are struggling to learn what a healthy relationship is and how to go about achieving it. Sharing this kind of information is vital to our sobriety, because failed or failing relationships are one of the primary reasons people relapse or continue to be unhappy even though they are clean and sober. It is also vital to the health of our relationship because it helps remind us of the ongoing effort we must make to maintain the open, positive relationship with our partner that we treasure and that contributes so deeply to our continued sobriety.
Step Twelve, Recovering Couples Anonymous
In 12-Step meetings we share our experience, strength, and hope about our recovery as a way of carrying the message about recovery from addiction to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers. By telling our story of what our life was like before we stopped drinking and using and what our life has become in recovery, we let newcomers know there is a solution to the problem of addiction and we support each other to remain committed to recovery.
I wish there were more willingness among those of us in good relationships to share the experience, strength, and hope about this part of recovery. What I have heard in meetings about relationships tends to be either how difficult and unhappy they are or a general statement about being in a good relationship without any details about what makes the relationship a good one or what the person has done to get to that place. I think it would be helpful if those of us in happy, loving relationships were more willing to talk about what we have learned and what we have done in recovery to develop and maintain such relationships.
This is an important way of carrying the message to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers because almost all of us are either in fairly dysfunctional relationships or no relationship before we surrender and begin the process of recovery. It is so helpful when we are struggling with that First Step and the implications it has for our lives to hear people talk about the possibility of being in a truly loving relationship when clean and sober.
It is also an important way of carrying the message to those of us in recovery who are struggling to learn what a healthy relationship is and how to go about achieving it. Sharing this kind of information is vital to our sobriety, because failed or failing relationships are one of the primary reasons people relapse or continue to be unhappy even though they are clean and sober. It is also vital to the health of our relationship because it helps remind us of the ongoing effort we must make to maintain the open, positive relationship with our partner that we treasure and that contributes so deeply to our continued sobriety.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Step Twelve, Part One---A Spiritual Awakening
When a man or a woman has a spiritual awakening, the most important meaning of it is that he has now become able to do, feel, and believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being. ... In a very real sense he has been transformed.... He finds himself in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind, and love of which he had thought himself quite incapable.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
One of the things most of us alcoholics and addicts could not do on our own before recovery was to be in a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. Most of us grew up in families that were fairly dysfunctional---if there was not outright violence and emotional abuse and/or abandonment, there was usually an atmosphere of tension and unhappiness in our childhood home. At least that's been my observation as I've listened to people talk about their childhood in 12-Step meetings or in my office. As a result, when we become adults and enter into relationships we usually bring a number of dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors to our partnerships.
When we first get into recovery, we tend to point to our addictions as the source of all our relationship problems. But as we acquire time in recovery, many of us discover that we are still encountering a good deal of difficulty in our closest relationships. Even when we have some time in the program and have diligently worked the steps, we often still find ourselves in an unsatisfactory relationship with our partner. If we are able to avoid placing the blame for this state of affairs on our partner (or on ourselves as "f**ked up" alcoholic/addicts) and take responsibility for understanding and correcting the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors we learned while we were growing up, then with a strong commitment to change and the hard work that entails we are likely to find the happiness and satisfaction in our intimate relationships that we have always longed for.
I believe the kind of spiritual awakening described in the 12x12 is essential for anyone who wishes to be in a healthy, functional close relationship. The qualities listed in the quote at the beginning of this post are the qualities that are necessary to make relationships work well. There is a growing body of marital/couple research that demonstrates how vital honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind and love are to the well-being of a relationship. When those qualities are absent, intimate relationships inevitably deteriorate over time, ending either in separation and divorce or a miserable, distant relationship in which partners increasingly move to live separate, parallel lives while still living together.
The spiritual awakening created by working the Steps and the personal qualities engendered by that awakening will not in themselves bring about a loving, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. They are necessary, but not sufficient since most of us will have a lot of work to do to change the dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors we learned in childhood. But those qualities will give us the ability and the strength to look at these issues, to acknowledge how our childhood experience has negatively affected our ability to be loving partners, and to persevere in our efforts to adopt healthier beliefs and actions in our relationships.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
One of the things most of us alcoholics and addicts could not do on our own before recovery was to be in a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. Most of us grew up in families that were fairly dysfunctional---if there was not outright violence and emotional abuse and/or abandonment, there was usually an atmosphere of tension and unhappiness in our childhood home. At least that's been my observation as I've listened to people talk about their childhood in 12-Step meetings or in my office. As a result, when we become adults and enter into relationships we usually bring a number of dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors to our partnerships.
When we first get into recovery, we tend to point to our addictions as the source of all our relationship problems. But as we acquire time in recovery, many of us discover that we are still encountering a good deal of difficulty in our closest relationships. Even when we have some time in the program and have diligently worked the steps, we often still find ourselves in an unsatisfactory relationship with our partner. If we are able to avoid placing the blame for this state of affairs on our partner (or on ourselves as "f**ked up" alcoholic/addicts) and take responsibility for understanding and correcting the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors we learned while we were growing up, then with a strong commitment to change and the hard work that entails we are likely to find the happiness and satisfaction in our intimate relationships that we have always longed for.
I believe the kind of spiritual awakening described in the 12x12 is essential for anyone who wishes to be in a healthy, functional close relationship. The qualities listed in the quote at the beginning of this post are the qualities that are necessary to make relationships work well. There is a growing body of marital/couple research that demonstrates how vital honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind and love are to the well-being of a relationship. When those qualities are absent, intimate relationships inevitably deteriorate over time, ending either in separation and divorce or a miserable, distant relationship in which partners increasingly move to live separate, parallel lives while still living together.
The spiritual awakening created by working the Steps and the personal qualities engendered by that awakening will not in themselves bring about a loving, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. They are necessary, but not sufficient since most of us will have a lot of work to do to change the dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors we learned in childhood. But those qualities will give us the ability and the strength to look at these issues, to acknowledge how our childhood experience has negatively affected our ability to be loving partners, and to persevere in our efforts to adopt healthier beliefs and actions in our relationships.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Step Eleven, Part Four---Our Common Prayer and Meditation
We sought through our common prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for his will for us and the power to carry that out.
Step Eleven, Recovering Couples Anonymous
One of the things that attracted me to S and S to me was our joint excitement about following a spiritual path in recovery. We spent many hours during the first few years of our relationship talking about our spiritual experiences and reading to each other things that inspired us in the spiritual books we were reading. Over the years we have attended first church and then a Buddhist sangha together. About ten years ago I suggested we pray out loud together at night just before going to sleep, and we have done that virtually every night since except when we are not together because one of us is away. During the past year we have begun trying to meditate 30 minutes together as many mornings as we are able.
There is no question in my mind that our spiritual life together has been a core piece of our deep bond with each other. There is also no question in my mind that all our talking and joint spiritual practices have been central to my recovery and to the spiritual awakening that Step Twelve promises will occur as a result of following the Steps. I am so grateful that we have this fundamental spiritual bond with each other, a bond which has only become stronger as the years have passed. It is the most powerful evidence we have that our relationship is God's will for us.
Step Eleven, Recovering Couples Anonymous
One of the things that attracted me to S and S to me was our joint excitement about following a spiritual path in recovery. We spent many hours during the first few years of our relationship talking about our spiritual experiences and reading to each other things that inspired us in the spiritual books we were reading. Over the years we have attended first church and then a Buddhist sangha together. About ten years ago I suggested we pray out loud together at night just before going to sleep, and we have done that virtually every night since except when we are not together because one of us is away. During the past year we have begun trying to meditate 30 minutes together as many mornings as we are able.
There is no question in my mind that our spiritual life together has been a core piece of our deep bond with each other. There is also no question in my mind that all our talking and joint spiritual practices have been central to my recovery and to the spiritual awakening that Step Twelve promises will occur as a result of following the Steps. I am so grateful that we have this fundamental spiritual bond with each other, a bond which has only become stronger as the years have passed. It is the most powerful evidence we have that our relationship is God's will for us.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Step Eleven, Part Three---Conscious Contact
In my experience, the emotional reactivity does not stop. We're not talking about getting rid of the experience of getting hooked. We're talking about when you get hooked, what do you do next?
As you're acting, you could ask, "Have I ever responded in this way before?" If the answer is, "yes, I always respond this way. This movie is a rerun," then you're acting unconsciously. You aren't even acknowledging that you're doing it again and getting the same result.
Pema Chodron, "Choosing Peace" in Shambhala Sun, November, 2007
In her article about "Choosing Peace" Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, writes about how often we find ourselves wanting to "settle the score" when someone has done something that upsets us. We want them to feel what we have felt, and we believe we can do that by paying them back, by "getting even." But retaliating in this way never makes things even, it only makes things worse. Unfortunately, one of the places we are most likely to yield to our emotional reactivity is in our intimate close relationships because that is the place where we are most vulnerable and most likely to feel hurt by what the other person has said or done.
Meditation is a very useful tool for learning to be less reactive in these kinds of situations. In meditation we can observe our feelings and our reactions without acting on them in the moment. As we do so over time, we gradually learn to detach a bit from our powerful emotions and our impulse to act on them. As Pema Chodron says, it's not that we can avoid being hooked by situations, but we can create enough conscious awareness of how we are feeling and what our usual automatic reaction is to that feeling to be able to make a choice about how we're going to respond. Being able to make a choice about our behavior means that we are also in a position to think about what the consequences will be for our relationship if our choice is based on trying to settle the score, on retaliating in an attempt to get even.
Step Eleven talks about using prayer and meditation as a means of increasing our conscious contact with our Higher Power in order to be clearer about what our Higher Power's will is for us. In our relationships I believe our Higher Power wants us to develop a kind, loving and compassionate heart which is open to our partner's needs and well-being. Using meditation as a tool to become less reactive when we are angry and/or hurt in our relationship is certainly one of the ways we can use meditation as a means of carrying out God's will for us.
As you're acting, you could ask, "Have I ever responded in this way before?" If the answer is, "yes, I always respond this way. This movie is a rerun," then you're acting unconsciously. You aren't even acknowledging that you're doing it again and getting the same result.
Pema Chodron, "Choosing Peace" in Shambhala Sun, November, 2007
In her article about "Choosing Peace" Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, writes about how often we find ourselves wanting to "settle the score" when someone has done something that upsets us. We want them to feel what we have felt, and we believe we can do that by paying them back, by "getting even." But retaliating in this way never makes things even, it only makes things worse. Unfortunately, one of the places we are most likely to yield to our emotional reactivity is in our intimate close relationships because that is the place where we are most vulnerable and most likely to feel hurt by what the other person has said or done.
Meditation is a very useful tool for learning to be less reactive in these kinds of situations. In meditation we can observe our feelings and our reactions without acting on them in the moment. As we do so over time, we gradually learn to detach a bit from our powerful emotions and our impulse to act on them. As Pema Chodron says, it's not that we can avoid being hooked by situations, but we can create enough conscious awareness of how we are feeling and what our usual automatic reaction is to that feeling to be able to make a choice about how we're going to respond. Being able to make a choice about our behavior means that we are also in a position to think about what the consequences will be for our relationship if our choice is based on trying to settle the score, on retaliating in an attempt to get even.
Step Eleven talks about using prayer and meditation as a means of increasing our conscious contact with our Higher Power in order to be clearer about what our Higher Power's will is for us. In our relationships I believe our Higher Power wants us to develop a kind, loving and compassionate heart which is open to our partner's needs and well-being. Using meditation as a tool to become less reactive when we are angry and/or hurt in our relationship is certainly one of the ways we can use meditation as a means of carrying out God's will for us.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Step Eleven, Part Two---Listening
Meditation for me became "listening" not just to the Group of Drunks but also to all the beings I came into contact with--human or otherwise--and to myself. An important part of "improving" this "conscious contact" was to listen, or try to directly experience, each contact in the moment and without old stories, without projections into the past or future.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Kate left a frantic message on my answering machine that she and Joe needed to see me ASAP because Joe had told her he was seriously thinking of separating. When they arrived in my office two days later, Joe was visibly agitated. He began the session by saying, "I can't take this any longer! I know I'm supposed to stay on my side of the street and work my program, but I just can't deal with Kate anymore!" With that Joe, who has about six years of recovery from a cocaine-alcohol-sexual addiction, lapsed into a hostile silence.
Kate immediately responded, "Oh, it's all my fault, isn't it! I'm the evil wife, the crazy bitch! But I'm not the one who ruined everything because of my drinking and drugging! I'm not the one who slept around with everyone while my spouse struggled to keep things together!" And then Kate lapsed into a rageful silence of her own.
What a struggle it was to get them to start listening to each other's pain without angry attacks and defensive counter-criticism. It was clear that Joe and Kate had stopped listening to each other a long time ago, long before Joe acknowledged his addictions and made a commitment to recovery. After a brief honeymoon of a few weeks when Joe stopped using and started going to AA and SA, both of them had gone back to their old pattern of Joe saying he couldn't stand Kate's treatment of him and Kate justifying her behavior by blasting Joe for what he had done to her. It was a predictable, never changing, and ultimately boring interaction that both of them were quite tired of, but neither could seem to let go of. It was Joe who was finally ready to throw in the towel and end this unhappy relationship.
It seems to me that the meditation part of Step Eleven is helpful not only for improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power, but is also a very useful tool for learning how to listen. First we learn to listen to the incessant chatter of our own minds and to notice the constant judging, complaining, wishing, and planning of our egos. We learn how to listen without being totally caught up in our ego's stories. As we begin to learn to detach from the ego's demand for attention and gratification, we also begin to learn how to listen to our partners without our old, habitual stories. We begin to learn how to be fully present in the present with our partners, letting go of our biased memories of the past and our distorted projections of the future. As a result we begin to experience more direct contact with our partners, hearing, seeing, and understanding them as they are in the moment and realizing they are much more complicated and filled with possibilities than we once believed.
If there is one piece of advice I would give to every couple as they embark on the path of recovery it would be to learn how to listen to each other with full attention and respect. That alone doesn't guarantee that the path will always be smooth and easy, but it does guarantee they will find it much easier to navigate their way around whatever obstacles they encounter on that path.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Kate left a frantic message on my answering machine that she and Joe needed to see me ASAP because Joe had told her he was seriously thinking of separating. When they arrived in my office two days later, Joe was visibly agitated. He began the session by saying, "I can't take this any longer! I know I'm supposed to stay on my side of the street and work my program, but I just can't deal with Kate anymore!" With that Joe, who has about six years of recovery from a cocaine-alcohol-sexual addiction, lapsed into a hostile silence.
Kate immediately responded, "Oh, it's all my fault, isn't it! I'm the evil wife, the crazy bitch! But I'm not the one who ruined everything because of my drinking and drugging! I'm not the one who slept around with everyone while my spouse struggled to keep things together!" And then Kate lapsed into a rageful silence of her own.
What a struggle it was to get them to start listening to each other's pain without angry attacks and defensive counter-criticism. It was clear that Joe and Kate had stopped listening to each other a long time ago, long before Joe acknowledged his addictions and made a commitment to recovery. After a brief honeymoon of a few weeks when Joe stopped using and started going to AA and SA, both of them had gone back to their old pattern of Joe saying he couldn't stand Kate's treatment of him and Kate justifying her behavior by blasting Joe for what he had done to her. It was a predictable, never changing, and ultimately boring interaction that both of them were quite tired of, but neither could seem to let go of. It was Joe who was finally ready to throw in the towel and end this unhappy relationship.
It seems to me that the meditation part of Step Eleven is helpful not only for improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power, but is also a very useful tool for learning how to listen. First we learn to listen to the incessant chatter of our own minds and to notice the constant judging, complaining, wishing, and planning of our egos. We learn how to listen without being totally caught up in our ego's stories. As we begin to learn to detach from the ego's demand for attention and gratification, we also begin to learn how to listen to our partners without our old, habitual stories. We begin to learn how to be fully present in the present with our partners, letting go of our biased memories of the past and our distorted projections of the future. As a result we begin to experience more direct contact with our partners, hearing, seeing, and understanding them as they are in the moment and realizing they are much more complicated and filled with possibilities than we once believed.
If there is one piece of advice I would give to every couple as they embark on the path of recovery it would be to learn how to listen to each other with full attention and respect. That alone doesn't guarantee that the path will always be smooth and easy, but it does guarantee they will find it much easier to navigate their way around whatever obstacles they encounter on that path.
Step Eleven, Part One---Self-Forgetting
He (St. Francis) hoped, God willing, that he might be able to find some of these treasures, too. This he would try to do by what he called self-forgetting. What did he mean by "self-forgetting" and how did he propose to accomplish that?
He thought it better to give comfort than to receive it; better to understand than to be understood; better to forgive than to be forgiven.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Learning the way of self-forgetting is a key aspect of learning how to create a happy, delightful relationship in recovery. Mary has been learning that way this past year. When she first came to see me, she was four months clean and sober. She spent most of her time in the beginning talking about how awful her life was---her ex-husband seemed to go out of his way to make her life miserable, her teenage sons chose to live with her ex and seemed to side with him, her job as a teacher was exhausting and filled with petty annoyances, and she felt tired much of the time. Mary had remarried, but she was disappointed that her new husband wasn't able to fix her problems and make life better.
As Mary attended AA meetings, worked the steps with her sponsor, and began to awaken spiritually, she realized that her new husband was suffering from problems in his life. Approaching 50, he began to develop some serious health issues at the same time that his company was downsizing, leaving him increasingly anxious about being laid off and uncertain about finding another comparable job at his age if that happened. When Mary and her husband sat down to dinner, Mary began to inquire about how his day had been rather than launching into a long monologue about how dreadful her day had been. If her husband wasn't feeling well or had had a stressful day on the job, she moved to hug and comfort him. As she did this, she came to realize that she wasn't feeling quite so unhappy about her own life, which no longer seemed as awful as it had seemed when she was 120 days clean and sober.
At the same time, she came to realize that her teenage sons needed to be close to their dad, that this was a normal stage of their development. As she came to this realization, she was able to forgive them for their "abandonment" of her. Increasingly free of her resentment and anger toward them, she found herself developing a more positive relationship with them, enjoying whatever contact there was while also being grateful for having more time to spend with her new husband doing things they both enjoyed.
Mary also began to understand that her ex-husband was not intentionally trying to make her life miserable, but was trying to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed by being the custodial parent of 3 teenage boys who required much more parenting than he had realized when he was married to Mary and could leave much of the daily parenting tasks to her. With this new understanding, Mary no longer took her ex's behavior so personally, and could even feel some compassion for his struggle to learn how to be an effective hands-on parent. And as Mary conveyed her understanding of his difficulties to him, her ex began to express his appreciation and admiration for all the things she had done to parent her sons that he had always taken for granted.
In the end, following a spiritual path and developing the art of self-forgetting are what successful relationships in recovery are all about. As long as we focus on ourselves, on what we must have, on what we don't like, we are caught up in ego and unlikely to develop a satisfactory intimate relationship. It is when we forget the self, seek to comfort, forgive, and understand our partner, and think in terms of we rather than me that we begin to experience all the wondrous delights of joining our life with another human being in a relationship in recovery.
He thought it better to give comfort than to receive it; better to understand than to be understood; better to forgive than to be forgiven.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Learning the way of self-forgetting is a key aspect of learning how to create a happy, delightful relationship in recovery. Mary has been learning that way this past year. When she first came to see me, she was four months clean and sober. She spent most of her time in the beginning talking about how awful her life was---her ex-husband seemed to go out of his way to make her life miserable, her teenage sons chose to live with her ex and seemed to side with him, her job as a teacher was exhausting and filled with petty annoyances, and she felt tired much of the time. Mary had remarried, but she was disappointed that her new husband wasn't able to fix her problems and make life better.
As Mary attended AA meetings, worked the steps with her sponsor, and began to awaken spiritually, she realized that her new husband was suffering from problems in his life. Approaching 50, he began to develop some serious health issues at the same time that his company was downsizing, leaving him increasingly anxious about being laid off and uncertain about finding another comparable job at his age if that happened. When Mary and her husband sat down to dinner, Mary began to inquire about how his day had been rather than launching into a long monologue about how dreadful her day had been. If her husband wasn't feeling well or had had a stressful day on the job, she moved to hug and comfort him. As she did this, she came to realize that she wasn't feeling quite so unhappy about her own life, which no longer seemed as awful as it had seemed when she was 120 days clean and sober.
At the same time, she came to realize that her teenage sons needed to be close to their dad, that this was a normal stage of their development. As she came to this realization, she was able to forgive them for their "abandonment" of her. Increasingly free of her resentment and anger toward them, she found herself developing a more positive relationship with them, enjoying whatever contact there was while also being grateful for having more time to spend with her new husband doing things they both enjoyed.
Mary also began to understand that her ex-husband was not intentionally trying to make her life miserable, but was trying to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed by being the custodial parent of 3 teenage boys who required much more parenting than he had realized when he was married to Mary and could leave much of the daily parenting tasks to her. With this new understanding, Mary no longer took her ex's behavior so personally, and could even feel some compassion for his struggle to learn how to be an effective hands-on parent. And as Mary conveyed her understanding of his difficulties to him, her ex began to express his appreciation and admiration for all the things she had done to parent her sons that he had always taken for granted.
In the end, following a spiritual path and developing the art of self-forgetting are what successful relationships in recovery are all about. As long as we focus on ourselves, on what we must have, on what we don't like, we are caught up in ego and unlikely to develop a satisfactory intimate relationship. It is when we forget the self, seek to comfort, forgive, and understand our partner, and think in terms of we rather than me that we begin to experience all the wondrous delights of joining our life with another human being in a relationship in recovery.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Step Ten, Part Four---Really Promptly
The sooner we recognize and admit the truth, the less negative karma we build up. The longer we wait to correct our mistakes, the more we hurt ourselves and others. The repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A news summary from CBS news about a study of how negativity affects marriages and close friendships reported , "Those in a negative relationship were 34% more likely to have a coronary event in the 12 years of follow-up." According to the researcher who conducted the study, Roberto De Vogli, the suspected reason for this finding is that people tend to mentally "replay" negative interactions. So the longer we wait to do our ongoing personal inventory and make prompt amends, the longer we and our partners have to go over and over any negative interactions which have occurred. And as this study indicates, mentally chewing on negative interactions with a partner is not only a cause of continued emotional suffering but can also lead to serious physical suffering as well. This research gives added meaning to Kevin Griffin's words that "the repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them."
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A news summary from CBS news about a study of how negativity affects marriages and close friendships reported , "Those in a negative relationship were 34% more likely to have a coronary event in the 12 years of follow-up." According to the researcher who conducted the study, Roberto De Vogli, the suspected reason for this finding is that people tend to mentally "replay" negative interactions. So the longer we wait to do our ongoing personal inventory and make prompt amends, the longer we and our partners have to go over and over any negative interactions which have occurred. And as this study indicates, mentally chewing on negative interactions with a partner is not only a cause of continued emotional suffering but can also lead to serious physical suffering as well. This research gives added meaning to Kevin Griffin's words that "the repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them."
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Step Ten, Part Two---Promptly
On occasion, I've tried to sit after having had a fight with my wife, and, right in the middle of meditation, stopped, gotten up, and gone to her to apologize. Seeing the suffering I had caused, my part in it, and the suffering I was experiencing as a result, prompted me to abandon any attempt at sitting and go take care of that amends.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Ed and Betty were clients of mine a number of years ago. When they first came to see me, Ed was still drinking. He didn't admit he was drinking alcoholically until he and Betty had been in counseling for about three months. Before he got sober, Betty would bitterly complain how Ed would get angry with her when he was drunk and make all kinds of unfounded accusations about her. The next day he would act as if nothing had happened, taking no responsibility for his behavior and often not even acknowledging the previous evening's conflict. Ed's behavior was not at all unusual; most of us alcoholics and addicts have frequently tried to deal with our inappropriate, hurtful behavior by pretending the next day that everything is just fine, that there is no need to bring up the previous day's episode and that certainly there is no need for us to apologize and make amends.
Those habits of denial and stonewalling are difficult to change even after some time in recovery. So many times I find myself giving S the silent treatment after we have quarreled about something. But I am certainly not silent inside my head as I self-righteously defend my position and behavior and insist that S is the one who is wrong. Fortunately, sooner or later (unfortunately, more later than sooner) a new voice begins to make itself heard inside my head which says, 'Remember Step Ten. What's your part in this problem? Where were you wrong? What amends do you need to make?" At first, the angry part of me says, "SHUT UP!", but that other voice persists until I admit first to myself and then to S how I've behaved badly and how I need to apologize for the harm I've done to her and to our relationship.
The funny thing is that I always feel better after I do that. And things usually get a lot better between S and me fairly quickly after I've acknowledged being wrong and apologized. There is rarely any leftover animosity or resentment once I have practiced the Tenth Step in this situation, and as a result our relationship has remained current all these years, unencumbered by old business from the past. So why do I insist on holding onto my anger until my suffering becomes unbearable and I decide to let it go and bring that suffering to an end? I wish I knew.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Ed and Betty were clients of mine a number of years ago. When they first came to see me, Ed was still drinking. He didn't admit he was drinking alcoholically until he and Betty had been in counseling for about three months. Before he got sober, Betty would bitterly complain how Ed would get angry with her when he was drunk and make all kinds of unfounded accusations about her. The next day he would act as if nothing had happened, taking no responsibility for his behavior and often not even acknowledging the previous evening's conflict. Ed's behavior was not at all unusual; most of us alcoholics and addicts have frequently tried to deal with our inappropriate, hurtful behavior by pretending the next day that everything is just fine, that there is no need to bring up the previous day's episode and that certainly there is no need for us to apologize and make amends.
Those habits of denial and stonewalling are difficult to change even after some time in recovery. So many times I find myself giving S the silent treatment after we have quarreled about something. But I am certainly not silent inside my head as I self-righteously defend my position and behavior and insist that S is the one who is wrong. Fortunately, sooner or later (unfortunately, more later than sooner) a new voice begins to make itself heard inside my head which says, 'Remember Step Ten. What's your part in this problem? Where were you wrong? What amends do you need to make?" At first, the angry part of me says, "SHUT UP!", but that other voice persists until I admit first to myself and then to S how I've behaved badly and how I need to apologize for the harm I've done to her and to our relationship.
The funny thing is that I always feel better after I do that. And things usually get a lot better between S and me fairly quickly after I've acknowledged being wrong and apologized. There is rarely any leftover animosity or resentment once I have practiced the Tenth Step in this situation, and as a result our relationship has remained current all these years, unencumbered by old business from the past. So why do I insist on holding onto my anger until my suffering becomes unbearable and I decide to let it go and bring that suffering to an end? I wish I knew.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Step Ten, Part Two---Self-Restraint
Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot....We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Pete and Joan came to see me several months ago just as Joan was making a decision to move out of their home because she needed "space" to figure out how she feels about their marriage and whether she still wants to be married to Pete. Pete was initially shocked and confused, saying he hadn't seen it coming at all. As far as he could see, they have a very good marriage and he professed to be quite unaware of Joan's doubts about their relationship.
As we have begun to sort out what led Joan to make this decision, Pete's initial emotional numbness has given way to anger. He demands that Joan "stop this nonsense" and move back home immediately. Joan responds angrily herself, telling Pete to "back off and give me space." They have entered a critical moment in the counseling process. I told them if they aren't careful and make an effort to exercise some self-restraint in the midst of their strong emotions, one or the other of them (or both) can destroy with an intemperate remark their chance to discover the root of Joan's dissatisfaction and work to resolve it in a way that brings them back together. They are definitely at risk for speaking or acting hastily or rashly, thereby losing any chance to be fair-minded and tolerant.
Turning to John Gottman and his research once more, we find some striking findings that speak directly to this issue. He discovered as he was measuring pulse rates and blood pressure while a couple was talking about a contentious issue that there came a certain point when one partner would become emotionally flooded. At that point, the "fight or flight" response in the oldest part of the brain would be triggered so that a person either exploded in rage or stormed out of the room (or sometimes both.) Gottman was able to identify when that point was reached---when a person's pulse exceeds 100 beats a minute.
Once a person is physiologically and emotionally flooded, his or her ability to practice self-restraint is pretty much gone. So it is important to learn to recognize the signs that the flooding process is starting up (for men generally when their pulse exceeds 80 bpm and for women generally when their pulse exceeds 90 bpm.) Once we recognize that we are starting to be flooded, the best thing to do is to stop the interaction and ask for a timeout. If we wait until we are completely flooded before asking for a timeout, it will be too late, and we are likely to say or do things that are quite harmful to our relationship.
There are helpful ways and unhelpful ways to take a timeout. First of all, a timeout needs to be at least 20 minutes in duration because it takes that long for adrenaline to subside and for the heart to return to normal. Secondly, we need to soothe ourselves by doing something restful and calming such as taking a walk, listening to music, or some other nonstressful activity. At the same time, we must refrain from keeping up an angry dialogue in our head, seeing ourselves as the innocent victim of our partner's bad behavior; instead we need to use self-soothing tools such as the Serenity Prayer to restore us to sanity. Finally, when we do tell our partner we need to take a timeout, we also need to make a commitment to return to the discussion as soon as we have calmed down or as soon thereafter as is practical.
Gottman also learned from his research that men and women are quite different when it comes to flooding. On the whole, men are much more likely to reach a flooded state quicker than women are, so most of the time it is the man who needs to ask for a timeout. Also, once aroused by stress, men take longer to calm down than women, so they are likely to need longer timeouts. Finally, men are more likely to have negative thoughts which perpetuate their distress, while women are more likely to be self-soothing in their thinking and looking for ways to be conciliatory, so men need to be especially vigilant about using such tools as the Serenity Prayer to combat their self-righteous thinking.
Mother nature has played another trick in the gender department around the issue of flooding. While men are much more likely to be highly distressed when difficult, sensitive issues are being discussed so that they are the ones needing to call for a timeout before becoming flooded, women are much more prone to being flooded when an issue of importance to them is not being discussed and moved toward some kind of resolution. This means that a woman will remain in a state of increasing distress if her partner breaks off a discussion because of the need for a timeout and then is unwilling to resume the discussion at a later point. Thus it is imperative for a man to make a verbal contract to come back to an issue when he is requesting a timeout to cool down and then to keep his commitment by returning to the issue in a timely manner. Otherwise, his wife/girlfriend will bring up the issue again, but most likely in a harsher manner, which will in turn push him toward being flooded even sooner. And then the cycle of mutual negativity begins to take on a life of its own.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Pete and Joan came to see me several months ago just as Joan was making a decision to move out of their home because she needed "space" to figure out how she feels about their marriage and whether she still wants to be married to Pete. Pete was initially shocked and confused, saying he hadn't seen it coming at all. As far as he could see, they have a very good marriage and he professed to be quite unaware of Joan's doubts about their relationship.
As we have begun to sort out what led Joan to make this decision, Pete's initial emotional numbness has given way to anger. He demands that Joan "stop this nonsense" and move back home immediately. Joan responds angrily herself, telling Pete to "back off and give me space." They have entered a critical moment in the counseling process. I told them if they aren't careful and make an effort to exercise some self-restraint in the midst of their strong emotions, one or the other of them (or both) can destroy with an intemperate remark their chance to discover the root of Joan's dissatisfaction and work to resolve it in a way that brings them back together. They are definitely at risk for speaking or acting hastily or rashly, thereby losing any chance to be fair-minded and tolerant.
Turning to John Gottman and his research once more, we find some striking findings that speak directly to this issue. He discovered as he was measuring pulse rates and blood pressure while a couple was talking about a contentious issue that there came a certain point when one partner would become emotionally flooded. At that point, the "fight or flight" response in the oldest part of the brain would be triggered so that a person either exploded in rage or stormed out of the room (or sometimes both.) Gottman was able to identify when that point was reached---when a person's pulse exceeds 100 beats a minute.
Once a person is physiologically and emotionally flooded, his or her ability to practice self-restraint is pretty much gone. So it is important to learn to recognize the signs that the flooding process is starting up (for men generally when their pulse exceeds 80 bpm and for women generally when their pulse exceeds 90 bpm.) Once we recognize that we are starting to be flooded, the best thing to do is to stop the interaction and ask for a timeout. If we wait until we are completely flooded before asking for a timeout, it will be too late, and we are likely to say or do things that are quite harmful to our relationship.
There are helpful ways and unhelpful ways to take a timeout. First of all, a timeout needs to be at least 20 minutes in duration because it takes that long for adrenaline to subside and for the heart to return to normal. Secondly, we need to soothe ourselves by doing something restful and calming such as taking a walk, listening to music, or some other nonstressful activity. At the same time, we must refrain from keeping up an angry dialogue in our head, seeing ourselves as the innocent victim of our partner's bad behavior; instead we need to use self-soothing tools such as the Serenity Prayer to restore us to sanity. Finally, when we do tell our partner we need to take a timeout, we also need to make a commitment to return to the discussion as soon as we have calmed down or as soon thereafter as is practical.
Gottman also learned from his research that men and women are quite different when it comes to flooding. On the whole, men are much more likely to reach a flooded state quicker than women are, so most of the time it is the man who needs to ask for a timeout. Also, once aroused by stress, men take longer to calm down than women, so they are likely to need longer timeouts. Finally, men are more likely to have negative thoughts which perpetuate their distress, while women are more likely to be self-soothing in their thinking and looking for ways to be conciliatory, so men need to be especially vigilant about using such tools as the Serenity Prayer to combat their self-righteous thinking.
Mother nature has played another trick in the gender department around the issue of flooding. While men are much more likely to be highly distressed when difficult, sensitive issues are being discussed so that they are the ones needing to call for a timeout before becoming flooded, women are much more prone to being flooded when an issue of importance to them is not being discussed and moved toward some kind of resolution. This means that a woman will remain in a state of increasing distress if her partner breaks off a discussion because of the need for a timeout and then is unwilling to resume the discussion at a later point. Thus it is imperative for a man to make a verbal contract to come back to an issue when he is requesting a timeout to cool down and then to keep his commitment by returning to the issue in a timely manner. Otherwise, his wife/girlfriend will bring up the issue again, but most likely in a harsher manner, which will in turn push him toward being flooded even sooner. And then the cycle of mutual negativity begins to take on a life of its own.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Step Ten, Part One---Relationship Maintenance
For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I have been writing posts about applying the "action" steps (4-9) to cleaning up past wreckage and taking responsibility for relationship problems in recovery. But once we have put a lot of work into healing the damage done to our relationships prior to recovery, we need to turn our attention to keeping those relationships as healthy as possible as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. Practicing Step Ten on a daily basis is one of the keys to this process.
One of the most important aspects of self-searching I have learned over the years in my relationship with S is to take her seriously when she suggests that something seems to be going on to me. Many times during our first several years together, S would ask me what was bothering me and I would reply with that famous answer, "Nothing!" I was usually being honest when I answered that way because I was unaware of any negative feelings at the moment of my answer, but over the next day or two I would gradually come to a place where I would have to admit to myself (and then to S, which was even harder) that something was bothering me. After that happened a number of times, I realized that S is often more accurately aware of my emotional state than I am and that I should pay heed when she thinks something is going on with me that I'm not talking about. So an important part of my Step Ten self-searching comes from taking S seriously when she thinks something is going on with me and making the effort to figure out what it is.
Accepting and admitting what we find in our self-searching is a significant part of staying clean and sober and growing in our recovery. Accepting and admitting what we find when we look at our primary relationship clearly and comprehensively is also a significant part of maintaining a satisfying relationship. Over and over again I see couples whose relationship has become very unhappy and unsatisfactory because one or both partners wasn't willing to accept the problems that were developing or wasn't willing to admit their part in creating those problems. When we refuse to admit and accept the difficulties that have arisen in our relationship, we stop living in the present moment and get caught in unresolved feelings from the past. As a result, the relationship is no longer "current," and future difficulties stir up angry, disappointing feelings left over from unresolved difficulties of the past.
Step Ten also contributes to the maintenance of our relationships by pushing us to make a persistent effort to correct what is wrong. The key word here is "persistent." Some relationship problems are easily and quickly resolved, but many of them seem to come back again and again. In fact, John Gottman says that almost 60% of the problems couples encounter are "perpetual," never fully and finally resolved. But successful couples are willing to work with such problems repeatedly, often finding a partial or momentary solution that allows their relationship to remain current. He also discovered that a sense of humor was the best tool of all when it comes to dealing with such kinds of problems.
Finally, spending time together is of the essence if you wish to keep your intimate relationship in excellent health. Many years ago I saw a videotape of a marriage counselor who said that couples need an hour a day of direct contact with each other in order to stay connected. That hour can be broken up into 10 or 15 minute segments, but the critical thing is that partners be fully engaged with each other during those times. He went on to say that during the early years of his marriage, when he was working full-time, attending graduate school in the evenings full-time, and he and his wife were parenting 3 kids under the age of 5, they would hire a babysitter on Friday nites and go out on a date from 7 pm until 2 am, thereby getting in 7 hours of direct contact for the week in one evening. He said he doubted the marriage would have survived their extremely busy schedule if they had not made such an arrangement for the two years he was in graduate school. I concur with the need to make spending time together a top priority; if you don't, your relationship will seriously suffer and likely die.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I have been writing posts about applying the "action" steps (4-9) to cleaning up past wreckage and taking responsibility for relationship problems in recovery. But once we have put a lot of work into healing the damage done to our relationships prior to recovery, we need to turn our attention to keeping those relationships as healthy as possible as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. Practicing Step Ten on a daily basis is one of the keys to this process.
One of the most important aspects of self-searching I have learned over the years in my relationship with S is to take her seriously when she suggests that something seems to be going on to me. Many times during our first several years together, S would ask me what was bothering me and I would reply with that famous answer, "Nothing!" I was usually being honest when I answered that way because I was unaware of any negative feelings at the moment of my answer, but over the next day or two I would gradually come to a place where I would have to admit to myself (and then to S, which was even harder) that something was bothering me. After that happened a number of times, I realized that S is often more accurately aware of my emotional state than I am and that I should pay heed when she thinks something is going on with me that I'm not talking about. So an important part of my Step Ten self-searching comes from taking S seriously when she thinks something is going on with me and making the effort to figure out what it is.
Accepting and admitting what we find in our self-searching is a significant part of staying clean and sober and growing in our recovery. Accepting and admitting what we find when we look at our primary relationship clearly and comprehensively is also a significant part of maintaining a satisfying relationship. Over and over again I see couples whose relationship has become very unhappy and unsatisfactory because one or both partners wasn't willing to accept the problems that were developing or wasn't willing to admit their part in creating those problems. When we refuse to admit and accept the difficulties that have arisen in our relationship, we stop living in the present moment and get caught in unresolved feelings from the past. As a result, the relationship is no longer "current," and future difficulties stir up angry, disappointing feelings left over from unresolved difficulties of the past.
Step Ten also contributes to the maintenance of our relationships by pushing us to make a persistent effort to correct what is wrong. The key word here is "persistent." Some relationship problems are easily and quickly resolved, but many of them seem to come back again and again. In fact, John Gottman says that almost 60% of the problems couples encounter are "perpetual," never fully and finally resolved. But successful couples are willing to work with such problems repeatedly, often finding a partial or momentary solution that allows their relationship to remain current. He also discovered that a sense of humor was the best tool of all when it comes to dealing with such kinds of problems.
Finally, spending time together is of the essence if you wish to keep your intimate relationship in excellent health. Many years ago I saw a videotape of a marriage counselor who said that couples need an hour a day of direct contact with each other in order to stay connected. That hour can be broken up into 10 or 15 minute segments, but the critical thing is that partners be fully engaged with each other during those times. He went on to say that during the early years of his marriage, when he was working full-time, attending graduate school in the evenings full-time, and he and his wife were parenting 3 kids under the age of 5, they would hire a babysitter on Friday nites and go out on a date from 7 pm until 2 am, thereby getting in 7 hours of direct contact for the week in one evening. He said he doubted the marriage would have survived their extremely busy schedule if they had not made such an arrangement for the two years he was in graduate school. I concur with the need to make spending time together a top priority; if you don't, your relationship will seriously suffer and likely die.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Step Nine, Part Four---Except when to do so would injure them or others
There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or--quite as important--other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
In his comment to one of my posts on how secret-keeping endangers relationships in recovery, Namenlosen Trinker wrote that he would be leery about revealing infidelities to someone with whom he was still in relationship and wanted to know more of my thoughts about the matter. There is no obvious right answer to this problem. First of all, I think the important word in the 12x12 quote is "unsuspecting." This is tricky because in many instances our partner has had a gut sense telling him or her that we might be involved with someone else, although there is no direct evidence. And quite often in such cases, a spouse will either override such gut instincts, convincing her- or himself that she or he is just imagining things, or will remain quiet about such fears because she or he doesn't want to face the consequences of knowing the truth. So, when this is the case, can we say that such a spouse is truly unsuspecting? Will it help or harm the relationship if we reveal what our spouse has suspected in her or his gut without knowing it for certain?
There are also many times when a spouse is not, in fact, unsuspecting about our infidelities during the time we were drinking and using. What we thought was secret was obvious to her or him, although, again, a spouse may have chosen not to confront us about such knowledge because of anxiety about the consequences of the issue being openly discussed. In this case, if we make amends to a partner without acknowledging the reality of our infidelity, our partner is not going to believe in our "rigorous honesty," and is unlikely to come to feel safe and secure in the relationship.
Then there is the problem of what happens to us and to the relationship when we keep such information secret because we don't want to injure our unsuspecting partner. For most of us, keeping such matters secret seriously interferes with our ability to be vulnerable and open in intimate relationships---and openness and vulnerability are essential to a healthy, happy intimate relationship. When we keep our past secret, we have to be careful about saying something that might alert our spouse to past infidelities, and we live with the fear that someday the secret will be revealed.
Many times we don't make full revelations because we fear the serious harm it might do to US. I think it's safe to say that most partners will react with great distress when we make amends for any infidelities during our drinking and using years that have not yet been openly discussed (and our spouse will probably also be quite upset when we make amends for any infidelities which she or he already knows about.) There may be talk of divorce. Certainly there is a high probability that our spouse will tell us how hateful we are for having done such a thing and will be emotionally volatile for an extended period of time. We will have to rely on the support of our Higher Power, our sponsor, and friends in the program to help us stay present in our relationship and work through the angry and hurt feelings.
Making amends for past infidelities definitely calls for a "careful sense of timing." We must have established a solid foundation to our recovery and have developed a trusting relationship with a sponsor. If we are involved in couples counseling, we need to have established a good working relationship with the counselor and have come to trust that counselor's impartiality before venturing down this path. Obviously we must have ended the affair and be ready to commit to a monogamous
relationship before we make any such amends.
It is also important to consider our motivation if we choose to reveal a past infidelity to our partner. Are we trying to hurt our partner in some way? Are we trying to create a crisis so our partner will be left with the responsibility for deciding to end the relationship? Are we primarily trying to alleviate our guilt feelings without being committed to doing whatever it takes to help our spouse work through her or his pain and anger? Have we thought this through and talked about it with our sponsor and/or counselor or are we acting on impulse?
Finally, I find myself taking the quote at the top of this article with more than a few grains of salt because of who wrote it. Bill Wilson was apparently unfaithful to Lois many times over and continued in a fairly public extramarital affair long after he helped write the Steps. I don't know if he and Lois ever talked openly about this, but it is hard to believe that Lois was "unsuspecting." If Bill had given Lois a detailed account of his extramarital adventuring, he might well have had to deal with a less than adoring wife and might have had to confront and do something about his apparent sexual addiction. I realize "times were different then" (and they were), but the words "where to make a full revelation woluld seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends" rings a little hollow.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
In his comment to one of my posts on how secret-keeping endangers relationships in recovery, Namenlosen Trinker wrote that he would be leery about revealing infidelities to someone with whom he was still in relationship and wanted to know more of my thoughts about the matter. There is no obvious right answer to this problem. First of all, I think the important word in the 12x12 quote is "unsuspecting." This is tricky because in many instances our partner has had a gut sense telling him or her that we might be involved with someone else, although there is no direct evidence. And quite often in such cases, a spouse will either override such gut instincts, convincing her- or himself that she or he is just imagining things, or will remain quiet about such fears because she or he doesn't want to face the consequences of knowing the truth. So, when this is the case, can we say that such a spouse is truly unsuspecting? Will it help or harm the relationship if we reveal what our spouse has suspected in her or his gut without knowing it for certain?
There are also many times when a spouse is not, in fact, unsuspecting about our infidelities during the time we were drinking and using. What we thought was secret was obvious to her or him, although, again, a spouse may have chosen not to confront us about such knowledge because of anxiety about the consequences of the issue being openly discussed. In this case, if we make amends to a partner without acknowledging the reality of our infidelity, our partner is not going to believe in our "rigorous honesty," and is unlikely to come to feel safe and secure in the relationship.
Then there is the problem of what happens to us and to the relationship when we keep such information secret because we don't want to injure our unsuspecting partner. For most of us, keeping such matters secret seriously interferes with our ability to be vulnerable and open in intimate relationships---and openness and vulnerability are essential to a healthy, happy intimate relationship. When we keep our past secret, we have to be careful about saying something that might alert our spouse to past infidelities, and we live with the fear that someday the secret will be revealed.
Many times we don't make full revelations because we fear the serious harm it might do to US. I think it's safe to say that most partners will react with great distress when we make amends for any infidelities during our drinking and using years that have not yet been openly discussed (and our spouse will probably also be quite upset when we make amends for any infidelities which she or he already knows about.) There may be talk of divorce. Certainly there is a high probability that our spouse will tell us how hateful we are for having done such a thing and will be emotionally volatile for an extended period of time. We will have to rely on the support of our Higher Power, our sponsor, and friends in the program to help us stay present in our relationship and work through the angry and hurt feelings.
Making amends for past infidelities definitely calls for a "careful sense of timing." We must have established a solid foundation to our recovery and have developed a trusting relationship with a sponsor. If we are involved in couples counseling, we need to have established a good working relationship with the counselor and have come to trust that counselor's impartiality before venturing down this path. Obviously we must have ended the affair and be ready to commit to a monogamous
relationship before we make any such amends.
It is also important to consider our motivation if we choose to reveal a past infidelity to our partner. Are we trying to hurt our partner in some way? Are we trying to create a crisis so our partner will be left with the responsibility for deciding to end the relationship? Are we primarily trying to alleviate our guilt feelings without being committed to doing whatever it takes to help our spouse work through her or his pain and anger? Have we thought this through and talked about it with our sponsor and/or counselor or are we acting on impulse?
Finally, I find myself taking the quote at the top of this article with more than a few grains of salt because of who wrote it. Bill Wilson was apparently unfaithful to Lois many times over and continued in a fairly public extramarital affair long after he helped write the Steps. I don't know if he and Lois ever talked openly about this, but it is hard to believe that Lois was "unsuspecting." If Bill had given Lois a detailed account of his extramarital adventuring, he might well have had to deal with a less than adoring wife and might have had to confront and do something about his apparent sexual addiction. I realize "times were different then" (and they were), but the words "where to make a full revelation woluld seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends" rings a little hollow.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Step Nine, Part Three---Forgiveness One More Time
Forgiveness is a mostly internal experience. At one daylong retreat I was teaching, people talked a lot about how they didn't want to let someone off the hook, absolve them of responsibility, by forgiving them. I think it's important to draw the distinction between forgiveness and absolution. Forgiveness is something we do in our own hearts to relieve ourselves of the pain of resentment. It's not saying that the person is off the hook for any harm they have caused. If fact, we aren't capable of letting someone off the hook--the Law of Karma is responsible for that. If we can be very clear about this distinction, it helps as we enter into the delicate work of forgiveness. We forgive others so that we can heal ourselves. For no other reason.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A description of resentment I heard early in the program is one that still makes the most sense to me. Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. I can definitely relate to that. If I allow a resentment to take root in my mind, it just grows and grows every time I see or even think about the person I'm resentful of. It isn't long before it just completely takes over my mind for long periods of time. And I'm the one who suffers, not the person with whom I have a resentment.
I would disagree with Kevin Griffin that the only reason we forgive others is to heal ourselves. If we are in a long-term relationship we also forgive our partners so we can heal the relationship. No relationship can thrive in the midst of ongoing resentments. When resentment is present in a relationship, it quickly tips the ratio of interactions between partners from five positive ones for every negative interaction, which characterizes a happy relationship, to a ratio of one to one, which
is never enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
So how do we heal resentments enough to be able to forgive our partner? The program suggests that we pray for someone with whom we're angry, which is an excellent and effective strategy. Buddhism suggests a similar strategy, employing what Buddhists call an antidote to anger. As soon as we become aware of a resentful thought about our partner, at that same moment we can try to introduce a thought of patience or compassion or loving-kindness. Because of the way our minds work, it is virtually impossible to entertain both the wish to harm and the wish to love our partner at the same moment. The more we can generate thoughts of compassion and loving-kindness whenever an angry, resentful thought about our partner arises, the more easily we will come to the place when we can let go of the resentment and allow ourselves to forgive our partners for whatever they have done or failed to do. This kind of antidote to resentment also helps with our spiritual awakening and development, which is, after all, the desired outcome of working the Steps to the best of our ability.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A description of resentment I heard early in the program is one that still makes the most sense to me. Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. I can definitely relate to that. If I allow a resentment to take root in my mind, it just grows and grows every time I see or even think about the person I'm resentful of. It isn't long before it just completely takes over my mind for long periods of time. And I'm the one who suffers, not the person with whom I have a resentment.
I would disagree with Kevin Griffin that the only reason we forgive others is to heal ourselves. If we are in a long-term relationship we also forgive our partners so we can heal the relationship. No relationship can thrive in the midst of ongoing resentments. When resentment is present in a relationship, it quickly tips the ratio of interactions between partners from five positive ones for every negative interaction, which characterizes a happy relationship, to a ratio of one to one, which
is never enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
So how do we heal resentments enough to be able to forgive our partner? The program suggests that we pray for someone with whom we're angry, which is an excellent and effective strategy. Buddhism suggests a similar strategy, employing what Buddhists call an antidote to anger. As soon as we become aware of a resentful thought about our partner, at that same moment we can try to introduce a thought of patience or compassion or loving-kindness. Because of the way our minds work, it is virtually impossible to entertain both the wish to harm and the wish to love our partner at the same moment. The more we can generate thoughts of compassion and loving-kindness whenever an angry, resentful thought about our partner arises, the more easily we will come to the place when we can let go of the resentment and allow ourselves to forgive our partners for whatever they have done or failed to do. This kind of antidote to resentment also helps with our spiritual awakening and development, which is, after all, the desired outcome of working the Steps to the best of our ability.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Step Nine, Part Two---Living Amends
This might be the first lesson about amends: you can't take it back, you can't fix what you broke....you don't totally repair the damage you've done to someone's life....no one act can overturn all our past transgressions
What mattered was the movement towards healing. When (my brothers) saw over the coming years that I had changed my way of living, I think this meant more to them than the small acts of contrition I'd performed.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
The other day Anonymous posted a comment in which she said her "recovering/not recovering" alcoholic husband once said to her, "I know you'll always forgive me." That sounds like the remark of someone who really doesn't understand and accept the most important part of Step Nine---we follow up our verbal amends by changing our behavior and making a concerted effort not to do the same thing again and again. Otherwise, our amends don't really mean very much, especially to our partners.
As Kevin Griffin says, we can't fix what we've broken, we can't completely repair the damage we've done to our partner's life. This doesn't mean that we are to wallow in guilt for the rest of our lives about what we've done; but it does mean that repairing our closest relationships will require not only a great deal of work on our part, but also a lot patience and willingness to keep at it when our partner fails to respond quickly in a positive manner to our efforts to change. Just as we learn in 12-Step programs that recovery is a lifelong, sometimes arduous process, so we must realize that healing a relationship damaged by addiction requires changing the way we relate to our partner---and that requires much more active, ongoing work than simply acknowledging the harm we have done to our partner and to the relationship. We have to live our amends, not merely express them.
What mattered was the movement towards healing. When (my brothers) saw over the coming years that I had changed my way of living, I think this meant more to them than the small acts of contrition I'd performed.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
The other day Anonymous posted a comment in which she said her "recovering/not recovering" alcoholic husband once said to her, "I know you'll always forgive me." That sounds like the remark of someone who really doesn't understand and accept the most important part of Step Nine---we follow up our verbal amends by changing our behavior and making a concerted effort not to do the same thing again and again. Otherwise, our amends don't really mean very much, especially to our partners.
As Kevin Griffin says, we can't fix what we've broken, we can't completely repair the damage we've done to our partner's life. This doesn't mean that we are to wallow in guilt for the rest of our lives about what we've done; but it does mean that repairing our closest relationships will require not only a great deal of work on our part, but also a lot patience and willingness to keep at it when our partner fails to respond quickly in a positive manner to our efforts to change. Just as we learn in 12-Step programs that recovery is a lifelong, sometimes arduous process, so we must realize that healing a relationship damaged by addiction requires changing the way we relate to our partner---and that requires much more active, ongoing work than simply acknowledging the harm we have done to our partner and to the relationship. We have to live our amends, not merely express them.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Step Nine, Part One---Timing
The moment we tell our families that we are really going to try the program, the process has begun. In this area there are seldom any questions of timing or caution....we usually want to sit down with some member of the family and readily admit the damage we have done by our drinking. Almost always we want to go further and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with.... At this first sitting, it is necessary only that we make a general admission of our defects. it may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes. Good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Many years ago I was working with a young woman whose alcoholic father had been in recovery for a number of years. As our work in therapy progressed, she realized she wanted to talk to her dad about what had happened and how it had affected her. She also wanted to ask him questions in order to get a better understanding of her childhood. We spent a number of sessions considering what she wanted to say and ask and how she wanted to say it---she was clear she didn't want it to be an angry confrontation where she would attack her dad for all the harmful things he had done. But she did want the chance to talk openly about how it had affected both of them.
She was almost in tears when she came to a session following the meeting with her dad. When she told him she wanted to talk about his drinking and how it had affected her, he cut her off by saying, "That's all in the past. Why do we need to talk about that now? I already made my amends." And that was the end of that as far as he was concerned.
In the 12x12, Bill Wilson talks about how eager a person is to tell his immediate family when he has surrendered to the reality of his alcoholism/addiction and made the decision to get involved in a 12-Step program. He goes on to say that such a person will readily admit the damage he or she has done and will even "almost always" want to go on to admit other defects that made him/her "hard to live with." I'm not so sure that most alcoholics/addicts are all that eager to admit to the damage they have done or to talk about defects that made them hard to live with just as they are acknowledging they have lost control and need to work a program. That doesn't fit with my experience as a clinician or as a member of AA.
But I do think that all too often, we alcoholics and addicts believe that once we have done a Ninth Step with our partners and any other immediate family members we are off the hook so to speak. We have acknowledged and taken responsibility for our wrongs, and for many of us that should be the end of it, as my client's father believed. But that kind of attitude is not helpful if we are truly interested in healing our closest relationships.
First of all, we are likely to make amends to our partners and children when we are ready to make them, not when they are ready to hear them. Most of the time, we are ready before they are. We have been going to meetings, talking to our sponsors, and doing a variety of other things to enhance our recovery. By the time we get to the Ninth Step, we are ready for this to be the end of looking at the wreckage of our past so that we can move on with our lives. Moreover, most of us will have apologized to our partner at least a couple of times for the "bad things' we did while drinking and using.
But other members of our immediate family are not nearly as likely to be ready to truly hear our Ninth Step amends. It is exceptional when the spouse of an alcoholic/addict makes the same kind of commitment to a 12-Step program and the recovery process right from the beginning. It is even rarer for children to realize their need for participation in the recovery process. Thus it is often the case that a partner and children are still struggling with so much angry resentment and/or anxiety about a relapse that they are unable to take in the alcoholic/addict's Ninth Step. So, as Bill Wilson says at the end of the quote that begins this post, "good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time" about making amends to immediate family members. A "careful sense of timing" means paying attention not only to when we are ready to make the amends, but when our partners and children are ready to hear them in the spirit in which they are being made.
Timing is not just a matter of when, but also of how many times. By this, I don't mean saying, 'I'm sorry" over and over again for our behavior when we were drinking and/or using. That wears awfully thin after about the second time. But making verbal amends (I will talk about "living amends" in a subsequent post) should not be the end of the matter as it was for the father of my client. Our behavior when we were still practicing our addiction was often experienced by our partners and/or children as confusing, shocking, deeply hurtful, traumatic, or abusive. In order for them to understand and make sense of what happened, to heal the anger and pain they still carry, and to come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness, most of them will need to talk about the past multiple times. If we wish to go to any lengths to heal the damage to our closest relationships, then we must be generous with our willingness to talk about what happened over and over again if need be.
Finally, the willingness to wait until people in the family are genuinely ready to hear our amends and to be open to talking many times if necessary about the damage our drinking and drugging caused does not mean that we are giving a partner or our children carte blanch to beat us over the head again and again with what bad, unloving, uncaring people we were. When a partner misses no opportunity to berate us once more for what we did to them before we got clean and sober, they are not trying to heal themselves or the relationship. Instead they have gotten stuck in the victim/martyr mode and are refusing to do their part of the work to heal things. We are not doing them, ourselves, or our relationship a favor by repeatedly making Ninth Step amends when this is happening. That will only feed the dysfunctional process and keep it going. The best thing to do in such instances is to make an effort to talk about the process that is occurring and how destructive it is to the relationship.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Many years ago I was working with a young woman whose alcoholic father had been in recovery for a number of years. As our work in therapy progressed, she realized she wanted to talk to her dad about what had happened and how it had affected her. She also wanted to ask him questions in order to get a better understanding of her childhood. We spent a number of sessions considering what she wanted to say and ask and how she wanted to say it---she was clear she didn't want it to be an angry confrontation where she would attack her dad for all the harmful things he had done. But she did want the chance to talk openly about how it had affected both of them.
She was almost in tears when she came to a session following the meeting with her dad. When she told him she wanted to talk about his drinking and how it had affected her, he cut her off by saying, "That's all in the past. Why do we need to talk about that now? I already made my amends." And that was the end of that as far as he was concerned.
In the 12x12, Bill Wilson talks about how eager a person is to tell his immediate family when he has surrendered to the reality of his alcoholism/addiction and made the decision to get involved in a 12-Step program. He goes on to say that such a person will readily admit the damage he or she has done and will even "almost always" want to go on to admit other defects that made him/her "hard to live with." I'm not so sure that most alcoholics/addicts are all that eager to admit to the damage they have done or to talk about defects that made them hard to live with just as they are acknowledging they have lost control and need to work a program. That doesn't fit with my experience as a clinician or as a member of AA.
But I do think that all too often, we alcoholics and addicts believe that once we have done a Ninth Step with our partners and any other immediate family members we are off the hook so to speak. We have acknowledged and taken responsibility for our wrongs, and for many of us that should be the end of it, as my client's father believed. But that kind of attitude is not helpful if we are truly interested in healing our closest relationships.
First of all, we are likely to make amends to our partners and children when we are ready to make them, not when they are ready to hear them. Most of the time, we are ready before they are. We have been going to meetings, talking to our sponsors, and doing a variety of other things to enhance our recovery. By the time we get to the Ninth Step, we are ready for this to be the end of looking at the wreckage of our past so that we can move on with our lives. Moreover, most of us will have apologized to our partner at least a couple of times for the "bad things' we did while drinking and using.
But other members of our immediate family are not nearly as likely to be ready to truly hear our Ninth Step amends. It is exceptional when the spouse of an alcoholic/addict makes the same kind of commitment to a 12-Step program and the recovery process right from the beginning. It is even rarer for children to realize their need for participation in the recovery process. Thus it is often the case that a partner and children are still struggling with so much angry resentment and/or anxiety about a relapse that they are unable to take in the alcoholic/addict's Ninth Step. So, as Bill Wilson says at the end of the quote that begins this post, "good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time" about making amends to immediate family members. A "careful sense of timing" means paying attention not only to when we are ready to make the amends, but when our partners and children are ready to hear them in the spirit in which they are being made.
Timing is not just a matter of when, but also of how many times. By this, I don't mean saying, 'I'm sorry" over and over again for our behavior when we were drinking and/or using. That wears awfully thin after about the second time. But making verbal amends (I will talk about "living amends" in a subsequent post) should not be the end of the matter as it was for the father of my client. Our behavior when we were still practicing our addiction was often experienced by our partners and/or children as confusing, shocking, deeply hurtful, traumatic, or abusive. In order for them to understand and make sense of what happened, to heal the anger and pain they still carry, and to come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness, most of them will need to talk about the past multiple times. If we wish to go to any lengths to heal the damage to our closest relationships, then we must be generous with our willingness to talk about what happened over and over again if need be.
Finally, the willingness to wait until people in the family are genuinely ready to hear our amends and to be open to talking many times if necessary about the damage our drinking and drugging caused does not mean that we are giving a partner or our children carte blanch to beat us over the head again and again with what bad, unloving, uncaring people we were. When a partner misses no opportunity to berate us once more for what we did to them before we got clean and sober, they are not trying to heal themselves or the relationship. Instead they have gotten stuck in the victim/martyr mode and are refusing to do their part of the work to heal things. We are not doing them, ourselves, or our relationship a favor by repeatedly making Ninth Step amends when this is happening. That will only feed the dysfunctional process and keep it going. The best thing to do in such instances is to make an effort to talk about the process that is occurring and how destructive it is to the relationship.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Step Eight, Part Two---Forgiveness
Let's remember that alcoholics are not the only ones bedeviled by sick emotions. Moreover, it is usually a fact that our behavior when drinking has aggravated the defects of others....In many instances we are really dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose woes we have increased. If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
If there's something a long-term relationship requires, it's this ability to let go of the last battle and begin again with kindness. When teaching about forgiveness recently, I found myself saying, "I'm an expert on forgiveness: I'm married." This got a big laugh, but indeed, if you can't forgive, your marriage probably won't last very long, or at least it will be a painful one.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Bruce, a recovering cocaine and sex addict, has been coming to counseling for several months. Many weeks, he brings in another story about how his wife has accused him of being interested in another woman or has once again angrily told him he has permanently ruined her life. We talk about ways he might avoid becoming defensive while gently suggesting to her that she might find relief for her suffering by attending S-anon or some other -anon program. Unfortunately, as so often happens in recovery, she insists that he is the one with the problem and that her angry resentment is justified.
I have known a few marriages which have not only survived but thrived in recovery even when the non-alcoholic/addicted partner chose not to become involved in a 12-Step program. But such marriages are the exception. The great majority of marriages in which only one partner participates in some kind of recovery program either wind up in divorce or limp along painfully for both partners. Without the 12-Step emphasis on letting go and on dealing with your own issues, it is exceedingly hard for the partner of an alcoholic/addict to forgive their recovering spouse for what he or she did during the years of active addiction.
Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do. To reach the place where you are ready to forgive someone who has harmed you requires a good deal of time and work. There is no established timetable for becoming ready to forgive and no easy recipe for doing the work, although working all of the Steps is a great help. A willingness to consider the possibility of forgiving a partner and a faith that you will one day be ready to forgive are essential to the process.
I have recently read some professional articles questioning whether it is even appropriate for a therapist/counselor to encourage a client to think about making forgiveness a goal. Certainly there may be some particularly harmful behaviors which a partner cannot and, perhaps, should not forgive. But unless there are compelling reasons to remain in such a marriage, I think everyone, including the children, will be better off if the marriage dissolves so that both partners are able to move past the last battle and begin a new relationship with kindness. Otherwise, as Kevin Griffin says, "if you can't forgive, your marriage...will be a painful one."
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
If there's something a long-term relationship requires, it's this ability to let go of the last battle and begin again with kindness. When teaching about forgiveness recently, I found myself saying, "I'm an expert on forgiveness: I'm married." This got a big laugh, but indeed, if you can't forgive, your marriage probably won't last very long, or at least it will be a painful one.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Bruce, a recovering cocaine and sex addict, has been coming to counseling for several months. Many weeks, he brings in another story about how his wife has accused him of being interested in another woman or has once again angrily told him he has permanently ruined her life. We talk about ways he might avoid becoming defensive while gently suggesting to her that she might find relief for her suffering by attending S-anon or some other -anon program. Unfortunately, as so often happens in recovery, she insists that he is the one with the problem and that her angry resentment is justified.
I have known a few marriages which have not only survived but thrived in recovery even when the non-alcoholic/addicted partner chose not to become involved in a 12-Step program. But such marriages are the exception. The great majority of marriages in which only one partner participates in some kind of recovery program either wind up in divorce or limp along painfully for both partners. Without the 12-Step emphasis on letting go and on dealing with your own issues, it is exceedingly hard for the partner of an alcoholic/addict to forgive their recovering spouse for what he or she did during the years of active addiction.
Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do. To reach the place where you are ready to forgive someone who has harmed you requires a good deal of time and work. There is no established timetable for becoming ready to forgive and no easy recipe for doing the work, although working all of the Steps is a great help. A willingness to consider the possibility of forgiving a partner and a faith that you will one day be ready to forgive are essential to the process.
I have recently read some professional articles questioning whether it is even appropriate for a therapist/counselor to encourage a client to think about making forgiveness a goal. Certainly there may be some particularly harmful behaviors which a partner cannot and, perhaps, should not forgive. But unless there are compelling reasons to remain in such a marriage, I think everyone, including the children, will be better off if the marriage dissolves so that both partners are able to move past the last battle and begin a new relationship with kindness. Otherwise, as Kevin Griffin says, "if you can't forgive, your marriage...will be a painful one."
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Step Eight, Part One--The Whole Pattern of our Lives
My spiritual life isn't contingent upon some transcendent meditative experience, but rather my ability to recognize that the person I'm sitting across the breakfast table from is a precious gift in my life; she is my lover, my teacher, my friend. And yet, how many times do I come into conflict with her? Feeling threatened or fearful. Wanting her to behave differently, thinking she doesn't understand me, doesn't appreciate me. On and on. Here again, I'm confronted with the whole pattern of my life. The blaming and judging. The wish to control.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
In the 12x12 Bill Wilson writes about how the process of making a list of all the people we have harmed and looking at the ways we have harmed them can reveal the underlying pattern of our lives. When we take a clear, unflinching look at the way we have behaved in our closest, most intimate relationships, we will also see the whole pattern of our lives, as Kevin Griffin indicates. We may, for instance, see how we have been emotionally distant and unavailable over and over again, which is a good indication that we suffer from the kind of avoidant attachment disorder I wrote about in my earliest posts (and we do suffer when we lack close, secure attachments, although we may tell ourselves we really don't need or want such attachments.) Or we may see how self-centered and self-preoccupied we have been with our partner(s), rarely seeing things from his or her point of view or being willing to give serious consideration to our partner's needs and desires. If we are men, we may come to realize as we do a Step Eight about our intimate relationship(s) how unwilling we have been to do our fair share of household and family tasks. If we are women, we may see how often we feel resentful and unhappy about our partner's behavior and act from that place of resentment and unhappiness.
A good way of thinking about Step Eight in terms of our relationships in recovery is to make a roster of harms we have done to our partner---"the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable." (12x12) The Bluebook of Recovering Couples Anonymous lists an inventory of wrongdoing which partners might consider when working on Step Eight-------
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
In the 12x12 Bill Wilson writes about how the process of making a list of all the people we have harmed and looking at the ways we have harmed them can reveal the underlying pattern of our lives. When we take a clear, unflinching look at the way we have behaved in our closest, most intimate relationships, we will also see the whole pattern of our lives, as Kevin Griffin indicates. We may, for instance, see how we have been emotionally distant and unavailable over and over again, which is a good indication that we suffer from the kind of avoidant attachment disorder I wrote about in my earliest posts (and we do suffer when we lack close, secure attachments, although we may tell ourselves we really don't need or want such attachments.) Or we may see how self-centered and self-preoccupied we have been with our partner(s), rarely seeing things from his or her point of view or being willing to give serious consideration to our partner's needs and desires. If we are men, we may come to realize as we do a Step Eight about our intimate relationship(s) how unwilling we have been to do our fair share of household and family tasks. If we are women, we may see how often we feel resentful and unhappy about our partner's behavior and act from that place of resentment and unhappiness.
A good way of thinking about Step Eight in terms of our relationships in recovery is to make a roster of harms we have done to our partner---"the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable." (12x12) The Bluebook of Recovering Couples Anonymous lists an inventory of wrongdoing which partners might consider when working on Step Eight-------
Four Categories of Wrongdoing
Emotional Wrongs
Venting rage
Holding resentments
Withholding information
The Silent Treatment
Shaming and blaming statements
Material Wrongs
Money--Excessive borrowing, overspending, withholding
Contracts--Cheating or not abiding by them
Disregarding others' boundaries around their personal things
Destroying or violating jointly owned property
Moral Wrongs
Setting bad examples for those who look to us for guidance
Excessive preoccupation/obsession with people or projects which makes us
unavailable to our partners and/or children
Sexual infidelity, broken promises, lying
Personal abuse
Dishonesty and lying
Broken commitments
Spiritual Wrongs
Neglect of obligations
Avoiding self-development
Lack of gratitude
Neglect of spiritual life
Lack of humility
Righteousness
That seems like a pretty comprehensive and specific list of harms to consider when writing down the ways we have harmed our partners over the years.
Finally, Laura S. has an interesting take on Step Eight and the whole pattern of her life before she stopped drinking and joined AA:
I was all set to move on to Step Nine when I heard a woman whose story I identified with a lot talk about the eighth step. I was digesting what she said about putting her own name at the top of the list when she stunned me by adding that she next had to put down the name of all the people who had harmed her, because she had been a compliant victim. Suddenly I saw how many times I had been "victimized" because I had put myself in the position to be, out of self-centered fear, and how much mileage I had gotten out of pity--especially self-pity--for all the "terrible things" that had been done to me.
12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
I'm not real comfortable with this idea because there's a danger of blaming the victim (in this case, oneself) for the harm done to her or him. I'm not sure this approach would help heal a relationship in recovery. On the other hand, there certainly are people, often abuse survivors, who go from one abusive relationship to the next; and it is imperative for such a person to see this pattern and take action to step out of it permanently by not tolerating a partner who is physically and/or emotionally abusive in the relationship.
Venting rage
Holding resentments
Withholding information
The Silent Treatment
Shaming and blaming statements
Material Wrongs
Money--Excessive borrowing, overspending, withholding
Contracts--Cheating or not abiding by them
Disregarding others' boundaries around their personal things
Destroying or violating jointly owned property
Moral Wrongs
Setting bad examples for those who look to us for guidance
Excessive preoccupation/obsession with people or projects which makes us
unavailable to our partners and/or children
Sexual infidelity, broken promises, lying
Personal abuse
Dishonesty and lying
Broken commitments
Spiritual Wrongs
Neglect of obligations
Avoiding self-development
Lack of gratitude
Neglect of spiritual life
Lack of humility
Righteousness
That seems like a pretty comprehensive and specific list of harms to consider when writing down the ways we have harmed our partners over the years.
Finally, Laura S. has an interesting take on Step Eight and the whole pattern of her life before she stopped drinking and joined AA:
I was all set to move on to Step Nine when I heard a woman whose story I identified with a lot talk about the eighth step. I was digesting what she said about putting her own name at the top of the list when she stunned me by adding that she next had to put down the name of all the people who had harmed her, because she had been a compliant victim. Suddenly I saw how many times I had been "victimized" because I had put myself in the position to be, out of self-centered fear, and how much mileage I had gotten out of pity--especially self-pity--for all the "terrible things" that had been done to me.
12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
I'm not real comfortable with this idea because there's a danger of blaming the victim (in this case, oneself) for the harm done to her or him. I'm not sure this approach would help heal a relationship in recovery. On the other hand, there certainly are people, often abuse survivors, who go from one abusive relationship to the next; and it is imperative for such a person to see this pattern and take action to step out of it permanently by not tolerating a partner who is physically and/or emotionally abusive in the relationship.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Step Seven, Part Three---Self-Centered Fear
The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear--primarily that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I discovered that self-centered fear was indeed fueling the anger---fear of loss, fear of abandonment, of not getting what I needed, of losing what I had. And the more deeply I peeled, the more my certainty increased that self-centered fear underlay everything that consistently made me uncomfortable.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Last week Doug and Judy were in for their once-a-month "maintenance" counseling appointment. By the end of the session, I found myself wondering what it is that they're trying to maintain. It certainly didn't seem like a happy, loving, mutually satisfying relationship.
Doug began the session by complaining that Judy hadn't done her part of their homework as she had promised she would if he did his part. He reminded me of a little boy in the back seat of the car complaining to dad that his sister wasn't staying on her side of the seat. Judy said she hadn't done her part of the homework because of all the times in the past when Doug had not been nice to her. She reminded me of a little girl complaining to mom that her brother wouldn't stop poking her so she wasn't going to stop bugging him.
We live in a culture that is saturated with admonitions to "have it your way!"; "you deserve it!"; and other slogans designed to reinforce our sense of entitlement to whatever we are demanding. Our political process has come to be based on politicians exploiting our fear of losing what we already possess. So it is understandable that we can so easily fall into a relationship based more on self-centered fear than on other-directed support and mutuality.
Fortunately, those of us who are members of 12-Step programs receive a much different message. Our experiences with addiction have taught us how unmanageable our lives are when they are guided by our selfish thoughts and actions. In order to live a life free of addiction, we come to realize we must allow our egos to be deflated, must let go of focusing so much on what we want and expect, must learn the "difference between a demand and a simple request." We discover how service and mutual support provide us with much more satisfaction and fulfillment than trying to respond to our self-centered fears of losing something we already possess or failing to get something we demand.
Funny how easily we can lose sight of these basic principles after we have established an intimate relationship with someone else. Once we are past the initial infatuation and sexual excitement and discover that we are not the same and often don't want the same things, we all too quickly stop thinking about "practicing these principles in ALL our affairs." We may continue to be a great mentor and sponsor to newcomers in the program and we may be valued as an important contributor at work, but at home we find ourselves "living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands (so that) we are in a state of continual disturbance and frustration."
Living in a close relationship with another human being is a humbling experience. Over and over again we are confronted by our character defects, by the things that consistently make us uncomfortable ("things that consistently make me uncomfortable is my working definition of shortcomings, character defects, wrongs and the like"----Laura S.) Perhaps no place else is the need for humility greater than living with someone else in an intimate and sustained relationship. The more we are able to let go of our self-centered fears of losing what we have and not getting what we demand, the more we are able to experience the kind of humility the Seventh Step is talking about.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I discovered that self-centered fear was indeed fueling the anger---fear of loss, fear of abandonment, of not getting what I needed, of losing what I had. And the more deeply I peeled, the more my certainty increased that self-centered fear underlay everything that consistently made me uncomfortable.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Last week Doug and Judy were in for their once-a-month "maintenance" counseling appointment. By the end of the session, I found myself wondering what it is that they're trying to maintain. It certainly didn't seem like a happy, loving, mutually satisfying relationship.
Doug began the session by complaining that Judy hadn't done her part of their homework as she had promised she would if he did his part. He reminded me of a little boy in the back seat of the car complaining to dad that his sister wasn't staying on her side of the seat. Judy said she hadn't done her part of the homework because of all the times in the past when Doug had not been nice to her. She reminded me of a little girl complaining to mom that her brother wouldn't stop poking her so she wasn't going to stop bugging him.
We live in a culture that is saturated with admonitions to "have it your way!"; "you deserve it!"; and other slogans designed to reinforce our sense of entitlement to whatever we are demanding. Our political process has come to be based on politicians exploiting our fear of losing what we already possess. So it is understandable that we can so easily fall into a relationship based more on self-centered fear than on other-directed support and mutuality.
Fortunately, those of us who are members of 12-Step programs receive a much different message. Our experiences with addiction have taught us how unmanageable our lives are when they are guided by our selfish thoughts and actions. In order to live a life free of addiction, we come to realize we must allow our egos to be deflated, must let go of focusing so much on what we want and expect, must learn the "difference between a demand and a simple request." We discover how service and mutual support provide us with much more satisfaction and fulfillment than trying to respond to our self-centered fears of losing something we already possess or failing to get something we demand.
Funny how easily we can lose sight of these basic principles after we have established an intimate relationship with someone else. Once we are past the initial infatuation and sexual excitement and discover that we are not the same and often don't want the same things, we all too quickly stop thinking about "practicing these principles in ALL our affairs." We may continue to be a great mentor and sponsor to newcomers in the program and we may be valued as an important contributor at work, but at home we find ourselves "living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands (so that) we are in a state of continual disturbance and frustration."
Living in a close relationship with another human being is a humbling experience. Over and over again we are confronted by our character defects, by the things that consistently make us uncomfortable ("things that consistently make me uncomfortable is my working definition of shortcomings, character defects, wrongs and the like"----Laura S.) Perhaps no place else is the need for humility greater than living with someone else in an intimate and sustained relationship. The more we are able to let go of our self-centered fears of losing what we have and not getting what we demand, the more we are able to experience the kind of humility the Seventh Step is talking about.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Step Seven, Part Two---Character-Building
But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness. Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself....
Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems. We never wanted to deal with suffering. Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us.
12 Steps and 12 Tradition
In order for our shortcomings to be removed, we have to be willing to make major changes.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
I saw an article this morning which said that less than half the people who married in the Seventies stayed married long enough to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The article also showed how much this contrasted with people who married in the Fifties---almost 2/3 of them celebrated a Silver wedding anniversary. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll hasn't been a very good basis for long-term marriages in the Baby Boom generation.
This is not to say that the parents of the baby boomers had marriages that were all that wonderful. Many of those people were deeply unhappy in their partnerships, but they didn't believe they had the option of ending them. This was especially true for women, who knew they faced a very difficult life financially and emotionally if they decided to end an unhappy marriage. Their daughters made sure they would not be put in this position by entering and remaining in the work force in record numbers.
Since financial necessity is no longer a glue holding marriages together, most couples rely on the emotional bond between them to serve as the foundation for their relationship. But maintaining a strong emotional bond requires a good deal of work after the 12-18 month honeymoon ends as the neurotransmitter, oxyctocsin, begins to wane. Emotional pain and relationship problems are not easy things to deal with. As the 12x12 says, for most of us "our lives have been devoted to running from pain and problems."
When those of us who are addicted or are intimately involved with someone who is addicted recognize our powerlessness over the addiction and surrender to the process of recovery, we are setting ourselves up for a good deal of character-building behavior, whether we know it or not. Sobriety and recovery involves hard work and often frequent temporary setbacks. There are many times when we don't know how we're going to get through the day, but we find the way as we rely on our Higher Power and other people in the program to support us. Out of this process we gradually become people who learn to deal with life's problems on life's terms. And that, in turn, builds character.
I believe the same process is at work in our intimate relationships. That is where our character defects, our shortcomings, are most obvious and most frequently observed. Whether it's healing a long-term relationship severely disabled by years of addiction or it's creating and developing a new close relationship in recovery, we are going to have to make a sustained effort to become the kind of person who can be a caring, loving, responsible partner. We will not only have to recognize and take responsibility for the character defects which harm our partner and/or our relationship, we will also have to be ready and willing to let go of those character defects. As Kevin Griffin says in the quote above, we will have to be willing to make major changes with the help of our Higher Power if we are to let go of these character defects enough to sustain the viability of our relationships.
I have come to see being and remaining in a close relationship as probably the most powerful and most effective tool for building character we can find in sobriety. Although the many changes in our culture during the last forty years have made it much easier to end an unhappy marriage without dire financial or social consequences, learning how not only to stay in a long term relationship but also to thrive in it is a great source of positive self-esteem and contentment. When we do choose the character-building effort to make a relationship work over the short-term comfort of running away from pain and problems, we will indeed be more likely to find real happiness.
Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems. We never wanted to deal with suffering. Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us.
12 Steps and 12 Tradition
In order for our shortcomings to be removed, we have to be willing to make major changes.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
I saw an article this morning which said that less than half the people who married in the Seventies stayed married long enough to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The article also showed how much this contrasted with people who married in the Fifties---almost 2/3 of them celebrated a Silver wedding anniversary. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll hasn't been a very good basis for long-term marriages in the Baby Boom generation.
This is not to say that the parents of the baby boomers had marriages that were all that wonderful. Many of those people were deeply unhappy in their partnerships, but they didn't believe they had the option of ending them. This was especially true for women, who knew they faced a very difficult life financially and emotionally if they decided to end an unhappy marriage. Their daughters made sure they would not be put in this position by entering and remaining in the work force in record numbers.
Since financial necessity is no longer a glue holding marriages together, most couples rely on the emotional bond between them to serve as the foundation for their relationship. But maintaining a strong emotional bond requires a good deal of work after the 12-18 month honeymoon ends as the neurotransmitter, oxyctocsin, begins to wane. Emotional pain and relationship problems are not easy things to deal with. As the 12x12 says, for most of us "our lives have been devoted to running from pain and problems."
When those of us who are addicted or are intimately involved with someone who is addicted recognize our powerlessness over the addiction and surrender to the process of recovery, we are setting ourselves up for a good deal of character-building behavior, whether we know it or not. Sobriety and recovery involves hard work and often frequent temporary setbacks. There are many times when we don't know how we're going to get through the day, but we find the way as we rely on our Higher Power and other people in the program to support us. Out of this process we gradually become people who learn to deal with life's problems on life's terms. And that, in turn, builds character.
I believe the same process is at work in our intimate relationships. That is where our character defects, our shortcomings, are most obvious and most frequently observed. Whether it's healing a long-term relationship severely disabled by years of addiction or it's creating and developing a new close relationship in recovery, we are going to have to make a sustained effort to become the kind of person who can be a caring, loving, responsible partner. We will not only have to recognize and take responsibility for the character defects which harm our partner and/or our relationship, we will also have to be ready and willing to let go of those character defects. As Kevin Griffin says in the quote above, we will have to be willing to make major changes with the help of our Higher Power if we are to let go of these character defects enough to sustain the viability of our relationships.
I have come to see being and remaining in a close relationship as probably the most powerful and most effective tool for building character we can find in sobriety. Although the many changes in our culture during the last forty years have made it much easier to end an unhappy marriage without dire financial or social consequences, learning how not only to stay in a long term relationship but also to thrive in it is a great source of positive self-esteem and contentment. When we do choose the character-building effort to make a relationship work over the short-term comfort of running away from pain and problems, we will indeed be more likely to find real happiness.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Step Seven, Part One---Humility
Some different takes on humility
The basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
We don't think less of ourselves, we we think about ourselves less
RCA Bluebook
We allow our concept of who we are to fall away and instead face the facts of our
lives.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
An accurate assessment of our assets and liabilities
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
I had an experience yesterday that brought home one more time how central the concept of humility is to a healthy, happy relationship. Over the summer I went through a mini-health crisis when some lab results came back that were well out of the normal range. Further testing and several weeks of heavy-duty antibiotics brought the number back down to the lower range of normal. A few weeks ago S asked if I would get retested in 3 months just to be sure there is no problem. I said I would do it after the first of the year.
So yesterday, S reiterated her wish that I get retested in 3 months, which would be December. I copped an attitude and said angrily, "I'm going to do it after the first of the year!" When S retorted, "But that's 4 or 5 months away!", I adopted the evil eye, stony face, and just stared at her angrily. And stayed that way for the rest of our lunch hour. I wasn't able to let go of my self-righteous anger ("It's my body, I get to decide if and when I will get more lab tests done!!") for several hours.
And this happened just after I had written the previous post emphasizing the need for husbands to be willing to be influenced by their wives!!! No way could I say my behavior was based on a desire to seek and do God's will. I certainly was thinking more, not less, about myself and my "rights"; I wasn't letting my righteous self-concept fall away so that I could accurately assess my liabilities. It wasn't until I admitted the inappropriateness of my response first to myself and then to S, made an amends, and finally asked my HP to remove this self-righteous stubbornness which continues to plague our relationship that I was able to get back into emotional balance.
This episode was also an excellent reminder about the dangers of setting myself up as some kind of relationship in recovery guru in this blog. As I've looked back over my posts, I can see there's often an underlying subtext which declares I've got it all figured out and have reached some kind of enlightened state of being when it comes to understanding relationships in recovery. Yesterday's experience was a humiliating reminder that I've still got a long way to go before someone could say, "He really walks his talk." Thank goodness for Step Seven and its emphasis on humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings.
The basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
We don't think less of ourselves, we we think about ourselves less
RCA Bluebook
We allow our concept of who we are to fall away and instead face the facts of our
lives.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
An accurate assessment of our assets and liabilities
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
I had an experience yesterday that brought home one more time how central the concept of humility is to a healthy, happy relationship. Over the summer I went through a mini-health crisis when some lab results came back that were well out of the normal range. Further testing and several weeks of heavy-duty antibiotics brought the number back down to the lower range of normal. A few weeks ago S asked if I would get retested in 3 months just to be sure there is no problem. I said I would do it after the first of the year.
So yesterday, S reiterated her wish that I get retested in 3 months, which would be December. I copped an attitude and said angrily, "I'm going to do it after the first of the year!" When S retorted, "But that's 4 or 5 months away!", I adopted the evil eye, stony face, and just stared at her angrily. And stayed that way for the rest of our lunch hour. I wasn't able to let go of my self-righteous anger ("It's my body, I get to decide if and when I will get more lab tests done!!") for several hours.
And this happened just after I had written the previous post emphasizing the need for husbands to be willing to be influenced by their wives!!! No way could I say my behavior was based on a desire to seek and do God's will. I certainly was thinking more, not less, about myself and my "rights"; I wasn't letting my righteous self-concept fall away so that I could accurately assess my liabilities. It wasn't until I admitted the inappropriateness of my response first to myself and then to S, made an amends, and finally asked my HP to remove this self-righteous stubbornness which continues to plague our relationship that I was able to get back into emotional balance.
This episode was also an excellent reminder about the dangers of setting myself up as some kind of relationship in recovery guru in this blog. As I've looked back over my posts, I can see there's often an underlying subtext which declares I've got it all figured out and have reached some kind of enlightened state of being when it comes to understanding relationships in recovery. Yesterday's experience was a humiliating reminder that I've still got a long way to go before someone could say, "He really walks his talk." Thank goodness for Step Seven and its emphasis on humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Step Six, Part Four---Readiness
I really was willing to let go of my "defects of character,: but I was in no way ready. These failings were nothing less than my barrier of defenses against the world that I had vigilantly erected during my thirty-five years. I could not let go of them until I could put something else in their place.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
Before I got clean and sober, I knew very little about how to be in a good relationship. In my first marriage, I had remained silent about my doubts and concerns. I made decisions that had a huge impact on my relationship either by making them unilaterally or by going along with my wife's wishes without saying how I felt. I was quite unwilling and unable to let my wife in and allow her to influence me in any significant way. By the time I got seriously into pot and alcohol, we had already begun to live increasingly separate lives. Pot and alcohol only made our emotional separation that much greater.
My experience with relationships during a decade of being single after divorcing my first wife only confirmed how little I knew about making relationships work. Since my focus was on drugs, sex, and rock and roll, it's no surprise that none of my relationships during this period lasted very long. Before I surrendered and admitted my addiction to alcohol and pot, I had come to the conclusion that I would be single the rest of my life.
Then I met S. She not only helped me realize the nature of my disease and the need for a program of recovery, she also taught me the fundamentals of being in a relationship and how to make it workable. Fortunately, I was finally ready to learn. And the most important way I showed that readiness was my willingness to listen to what S had to say and to take her seriously. Another way of describing this is that I was willing to be influenced by her.
Turns out that John Gottman has identified the willingness by a male partner to be influenced by his girlfriend/wife as the single most important factor in predicting which relationships will be successful. In his research Gottman saw that when a man is willing to listen fully and carefully to his female partner and to consider seriously what she is saying, the relationship thrives. Gottman is careful to say that he does not mean a perfunctory "Yes dear!" or the man not voicing his own desires and preferences. But he does mean that in successful partnerships, men are ready and willing to let their behavior and decisions be influenced by the wants and needs of their partners.
Let's face it; most of us men don't know learn much while we're growing up about how to make intimate relationships work. If we are lucky, we learn how to compete and strive to win, how to work hard to attain a goal, how to play when work is done, and other behaviors that ensure success in the world of work. But we don't learn much about what it takes to make a relationship be successful until we are taught by our partners---if we are willing to listen to them and take them seriously.
Gottman emphasizes the readiness of men to be influenced by their wives because he found that most wives most of the time are willing to be influenced by their husbands. But there is a way of being ready to have a defect removed which is important for women to learn and understand: the willingness to engage their husbands with what Gottman calls a "soft startup." By that he means that when a women brings up an issue for discussion (and 90% of the time, it's the female in a relationship who expresses a complaint or wants to talk about an issue), it is important that she do so in a lowkey, "soft" way if she wishes to be reasonably successful in engaging her husband.
Gottman found that when women start out with a lot of anger or other strong emotions, men almost invariably respond defensively and seek to end the discussion even before it has begun. He speculates that this may be because men are much more physiologically reactive (i.e., increased pulse rate and blood pressure due to increased adrenaline in the bloodstream) than women to strong emotions so that their "fight or flight" response is more quickly activated. But he also points out that when women feel they are being listened to and taken seriously, they are much less likely to be coming from a place of strong emotions when they begin an interchange with their husbands.
Those of us in recovery, both men and women, were usually guilty of these serious relationship defects when we were still practicing our addictions. We men were especially prone not to take the women in our lives seriously. And our partners had usually gotten to a place of being in a state of constant anxiety and anger long before we surrendered to recovery. It takes, therefore, a good deal of surrender and readiness to have our Higher Power remove these defects of our character and a lot of work on our part to adopt a stance of allowing our partners to influence us while letting go of our angry demands and criticisms. It is almost always a humbling experience.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
Before I got clean and sober, I knew very little about how to be in a good relationship. In my first marriage, I had remained silent about my doubts and concerns. I made decisions that had a huge impact on my relationship either by making them unilaterally or by going along with my wife's wishes without saying how I felt. I was quite unwilling and unable to let my wife in and allow her to influence me in any significant way. By the time I got seriously into pot and alcohol, we had already begun to live increasingly separate lives. Pot and alcohol only made our emotional separation that much greater.
My experience with relationships during a decade of being single after divorcing my first wife only confirmed how little I knew about making relationships work. Since my focus was on drugs, sex, and rock and roll, it's no surprise that none of my relationships during this period lasted very long. Before I surrendered and admitted my addiction to alcohol and pot, I had come to the conclusion that I would be single the rest of my life.
Then I met S. She not only helped me realize the nature of my disease and the need for a program of recovery, she also taught me the fundamentals of being in a relationship and how to make it workable. Fortunately, I was finally ready to learn. And the most important way I showed that readiness was my willingness to listen to what S had to say and to take her seriously. Another way of describing this is that I was willing to be influenced by her.
Turns out that John Gottman has identified the willingness by a male partner to be influenced by his girlfriend/wife as the single most important factor in predicting which relationships will be successful. In his research Gottman saw that when a man is willing to listen fully and carefully to his female partner and to consider seriously what she is saying, the relationship thrives. Gottman is careful to say that he does not mean a perfunctory "Yes dear!" or the man not voicing his own desires and preferences. But he does mean that in successful partnerships, men are ready and willing to let their behavior and decisions be influenced by the wants and needs of their partners.
Let's face it; most of us men don't know learn much while we're growing up about how to make intimate relationships work. If we are lucky, we learn how to compete and strive to win, how to work hard to attain a goal, how to play when work is done, and other behaviors that ensure success in the world of work. But we don't learn much about what it takes to make a relationship be successful until we are taught by our partners---if we are willing to listen to them and take them seriously.
Gottman emphasizes the readiness of men to be influenced by their wives because he found that most wives most of the time are willing to be influenced by their husbands. But there is a way of being ready to have a defect removed which is important for women to learn and understand: the willingness to engage their husbands with what Gottman calls a "soft startup." By that he means that when a women brings up an issue for discussion (and 90% of the time, it's the female in a relationship who expresses a complaint or wants to talk about an issue), it is important that she do so in a lowkey, "soft" way if she wishes to be reasonably successful in engaging her husband.
Gottman found that when women start out with a lot of anger or other strong emotions, men almost invariably respond defensively and seek to end the discussion even before it has begun. He speculates that this may be because men are much more physiologically reactive (i.e., increased pulse rate and blood pressure due to increased adrenaline in the bloodstream) than women to strong emotions so that their "fight or flight" response is more quickly activated. But he also points out that when women feel they are being listened to and taken seriously, they are much less likely to be coming from a place of strong emotions when they begin an interchange with their husbands.
Those of us in recovery, both men and women, were usually guilty of these serious relationship defects when we were still practicing our addictions. We men were especially prone not to take the women in our lives seriously. And our partners had usually gotten to a place of being in a state of constant anxiety and anger long before we surrendered to recovery. It takes, therefore, a good deal of surrender and readiness to have our Higher Power remove these defects of our character and a lot of work on our part to adopt a stance of allowing our partners to influence us while letting go of our angry demands and criticisms. It is almost always a humbling experience.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Step Six, Part Three--Sexual Addiction
Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. But when they drive us blindly...(that) is a measure of our character defects
But how many men and women speak love with their lips, and believe what they say, so that they can hide lust in a dark corner of their minds?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
For a number of years in recovery, I attended a large (100-150) men's AA meeting. At first occasionally and then more frequently, members began to talk about their increasing visits to online pornography sites as the Internet spread to virtually every household. As it became safe to talk about this issue, many members also began to acknowledge going to strip joints often and/or seeking out prostitutes. And then as sites such as Craig's List developed, some members of the group began to speak about using these sites as an easy way to "hook up." Although this was an AA meeting, the freedom to talk about these issues helped many members realize they were out of control sexually in the same way they had been out of control with alcohol and drugs. Eventually, many of them began introducing themselves as "Hi, I'm .... and I'm an alcoholic/drug addict and a sex addict."
I've seen the same thing happen in my practice. Increasingly, one of the major issues for couples is a partner (almost always the male partner) spending more and more time looking at online pornography. Just as with alcohol and drugs, there is lots of secrecy, rationalizing, minimizing, and lying. And just as is true in couples affected by alcoholism and/or drug addiction, the non-using partner is hurt, angry, and distrustful. I suspect that well over half the men who have lost control of their drinking and/or use of drugs have also already lost control of their sexual desires or will do so in recovery as they begin to substitute sex for substances.
Sex is just as much a problem for women who are addicted. I know a therapist who has worked with well over a hundred recovering women during her career, and everyone of those women had a history of sexual abuse. All of these women, she reports, struggled with their sexuality. For some the problem was getting repeatedly involved sexually with people who were harmful. For others, the problem was being unable to maintain sexual interest after making a long-term commitment to a relationship. And for yet others, there were problems with eating or compulsive spending. Although not every woman who is addicted to alcohol and/or drugs has a history of sexual abuse, I suspect that the overwhelming majority do and that their sexuality has been affected by it.
I have come to believe that for most of us in recovery, our "abundance of natural desires" do indeed "drive us blindly." And it is not only a character defect, it is a relationship defect as well because of the hurt and distrust it so often creates. In no way do I see our sexuality as "sinful;" but I do believe that unless we take an honest look at our sexuality in recovery and admit how powerless we frequently are in this area of our life, we are pretty unlikely to develop healthy, satisfying relationships as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
But how many men and women speak love with their lips, and believe what they say, so that they can hide lust in a dark corner of their minds?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
For a number of years in recovery, I attended a large (100-150) men's AA meeting. At first occasionally and then more frequently, members began to talk about their increasing visits to online pornography sites as the Internet spread to virtually every household. As it became safe to talk about this issue, many members also began to acknowledge going to strip joints often and/or seeking out prostitutes. And then as sites such as Craig's List developed, some members of the group began to speak about using these sites as an easy way to "hook up." Although this was an AA meeting, the freedom to talk about these issues helped many members realize they were out of control sexually in the same way they had been out of control with alcohol and drugs. Eventually, many of them began introducing themselves as "Hi, I'm .... and I'm an alcoholic/drug addict and a sex addict."
I've seen the same thing happen in my practice. Increasingly, one of the major issues for couples is a partner (almost always the male partner) spending more and more time looking at online pornography. Just as with alcohol and drugs, there is lots of secrecy, rationalizing, minimizing, and lying. And just as is true in couples affected by alcoholism and/or drug addiction, the non-using partner is hurt, angry, and distrustful. I suspect that well over half the men who have lost control of their drinking and/or use of drugs have also already lost control of their sexual desires or will do so in recovery as they begin to substitute sex for substances.
Sex is just as much a problem for women who are addicted. I know a therapist who has worked with well over a hundred recovering women during her career, and everyone of those women had a history of sexual abuse. All of these women, she reports, struggled with their sexuality. For some the problem was getting repeatedly involved sexually with people who were harmful. For others, the problem was being unable to maintain sexual interest after making a long-term commitment to a relationship. And for yet others, there were problems with eating or compulsive spending. Although not every woman who is addicted to alcohol and/or drugs has a history of sexual abuse, I suspect that the overwhelming majority do and that their sexuality has been affected by it.
I have come to believe that for most of us in recovery, our "abundance of natural desires" do indeed "drive us blindly." And it is not only a character defect, it is a relationship defect as well because of the hurt and distrust it so often creates. In no way do I see our sexuality as "sinful;" but I do believe that unless we take an honest look at our sexuality in recovery and admit how powerless we frequently are in this area of our life, we are pretty unlikely to develop healthy, satisfying relationships as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)