Step Seven, Part One---Humility

Some different takes on humility

The basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

We don't think less of ourselves, we we think about ourselves less
RCA Bluebook

We allow our concept of who we are to fall away and instead face the facts of our
lives.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

An accurate assessment of our assets and liabilities
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path

I had an experience yesterday that brought home one more time how central the concept of humility is to a healthy, happy relationship. Over the summer I went through a mini-health crisis when some lab results came back that were well out of the normal range. Further testing and several weeks of heavy-duty antibiotics brought the number back down to the lower range of normal. A few weeks ago S asked if I would get retested in 3 months just to be sure there is no problem. I said I would do it after the first of the year.


So yesterday, S reiterated her wish that I get retested in 3 months, which would be December. I copped an attitude and said angrily, "I'm going to do it after the first of the year!" When S retorted, "But that's 4 or 5 months away!", I adopted the evil eye, stony face, and just stared at her angrily. And stayed that way for the rest of our lunch hour. I wasn't able to let go of my self-righteous anger ("It's my body, I get to decide if and when I will get more lab tests done!!") for several hours.


And this happened just after I had written the previous post emphasizing the need for husbands to be willing to be influenced by their wives!!! No way could I say my behavior was based on a desire to seek and do God's will. I certainly was thinking more, not less, about myself and my "rights"; I wasn't letting my righteous self-concept fall away so that I could accurately assess my liabilities. It wasn't until I admitted the inappropriateness of my response first to myself and then to S, made an amends, and finally asked my HP to remove this self-righteous stubbornness which continues to plague our relationship that I was able to get back into emotional balance.


This episode was also an excellent reminder about the dangers of setting myself up as some kind of relationship in recovery guru in this blog. As I've looked back over my posts, I can see there's often an underlying subtext which declares I've got it all figured out and have reached some kind of enlightened state of being when it comes to understanding relationships in recovery. Yesterday's experience was a humiliating reminder that I've still got a long way to go before someone could say, "He really walks his talk." Thank goodness for Step Seven and its emphasis on humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings.