Step Six, Part Two--Relationship Defects, Part Two

Abuse and abandonment are fairly obvious relationships defects. But there are several less obvious defects that are quite damaging to the health of a close relationship. Marital researcher, John Gottman, has discovered four behaviors, which he has dubbed the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which usually lead to the demise of a relationship if left uncorrected. These four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Gottman distinguishes criticism from complaints. Criticism is a negative comment about who a person is while complaint is a negative comment about a particular behavior at a particular time. Criticism is almost always detrimental to a relationship, but complaints are essential to the well-being of a relationship because they identify problems which must be solved. Criticism usually begins with the word "you" and goes on to make some negative statement about the (usually bad) kind of person "you" are. Complaints are more likely to begin with the word "I" and go on to make a statement about my feelings in response to a particular behavior in a specific situation. Criticism frequently uses the words "always" and "never," while complaints are about specific incidents.

Perhaps the most important thing about criticism is that it rarely works, at least not in a way that solves problems or deepens understanding. Usually it evokes anger and the second of the Four Horsemen, defensiveness, in the recipient. Feeling the victim, a partner on the receiving end of criticism is likely to respond by denying responsibility, making excuses, countering with a criticism, using a "yes-but" statement, whining, or several other behaviors which avoid taking any responsibility for the problem. But defensiveness works no better than criticism in resolving conflict; instead it usually just intensifies the conflict, leaving both partners angry and disheartened.

When a relationship is filled with these two defects, criticism and defensiveness, it is only a matter of time before the other two defects, contempt and stonewalling, show up. Contempt is about intentionally trying to insult or emotionally abuse a partner. Contempt comes out of feeling disgust for the other person, out of seeing that person as stupid, incompetent, or a fool. Name-calling, mockery, hostile sarcasm all convey a stance that says "I see no positive qualities in you, I have no respect for you." It is always accompanied by a sneer, although the sneer may be so fleeting that it isn't seen; nonetheless, it certainly is felt.

When a relationship is filled with contemptuous remarks and behaviors, it is in very poor shape. It isn't long before one of the partners, more often the male in a close relationship, moves to a posture of stonewalling. As the word implies, the partner becomes a stone wall, sitting or standing with folded arms and a hostile gaze, but saying nothing. The person's entire demeanor is meant to convey "I'm not listening to anything you say!" Often the stonewalling comes to an end with an enraged "Screw you!" or something similar and an abrupt stalking out of the room.

When couples find themselves in an endless cycle of negativity filled with contempt and stonewalling, they begin to avoid each other as much as possible, living increasingly separate lives. Affairs are quite common when this point has been reached. Sometimes couples will stay together in this emotionally distant place for years "because of the kids" or because neither of them wants to take the responsibility for ending the marriage. Then everyone, the couple, their children, their families, and their close friends all suffer.

Certainly we have all seen or, at least, heard about these kinds of relationships too many times in 12-Step meetings. Often people in meetings talk about the problems in their relationship being caused by too much conflict. They imagine that a good relationship is one free of arguments and disagreements. Gottman's research shows this is not the case. There are happy, thriving relationships in which partners argue loudly and often; while there are unhappy, miserable relationships in which partners rarely express an angry word. It is not the frequency or intensity of conflict that determines whether a relationship will be satisfying or unsatisfying; rather, it is the ratio of how much positive interaction occurs between two people compared to how much negative interaction they experience. In his close study of hundreds of videotapes of couple interactions, Gottman found that there were always just about five positive interactions for every negative one in happy couples; while in unhappy couples, that ratio was about one positive for every negative. In other words, the power of relationship defects is so great that it takes a considerable amount of positive behaviors to overcome them. Becoming ready to have a Higher Power remove these defective behaviors is essential for the healing and long-term health of all relationships in recovery.