Step Six, Part Three--Sexual Addiction

Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. But when they drive us blindly...(that) is a measure of our character defects

But how many men and women speak love with their lips, and believe what they say, so that they can hide lust in a dark corner of their minds?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

For a number of years in recovery, I attended a large (100-150) men's AA meeting. At first occasionally and then more frequently, members began to talk about their increasing visits to online pornography sites as the Internet spread to virtually every household. As it became safe to talk about this issue, many members also began to acknowledge going to strip joints often and/or seeking out prostitutes. And then as sites such as Craig's List developed, some members of the group began to speak about using these sites as an easy way to "hook up." Although this was an AA meeting, the freedom to talk about these issues helped many members realize they were out of control sexually in the same way they had been out of control with alcohol and drugs. Eventually, many of them began introducing themselves as "Hi, I'm .... and I'm an alcoholic/drug addict and a sex addict."

I've seen the same thing happen in my practice. Increasingly, one of the major issues for couples is a partner (almost always the male partner) spending more and more time looking at online pornography. Just as with alcohol and drugs, there is lots of secrecy, rationalizing, minimizing, and lying. And just as is true in couples affected by alcoholism and/or drug addiction, the non-using partner is hurt, angry, and distrustful. I suspect that well over half the men who have lost control of their drinking and/or use of drugs have also already lost control of their sexual desires or will do so in recovery as they begin to substitute sex for substances.

Sex is just as much a problem for women who are addicted. I know a therapist who has worked with well over a hundred recovering women during her career, and everyone of those women had a history of sexual abuse. All of these women, she reports, struggled with their sexuality. For some the problem was getting repeatedly involved sexually with people who were harmful. For others, the problem was being unable to maintain sexual interest after making a long-term commitment to a relationship. And for yet others, there were problems with eating or compulsive spending. Although not every woman who is addicted to alcohol and/or drugs has a history of sexual abuse, I suspect that the overwhelming majority do and that their sexuality has been affected by it.

I have come to believe that for most of us in recovery, our "abundance of natural desires" do indeed "drive us blindly." And it is not only a character defect, it is a relationship defect as well because of the hurt and distrust it so often creates. In no way do I see our sexuality as "sinful;" but I do believe that unless we take an honest look at our sexuality in recovery and admit how powerless we frequently are in this area of our life, we are pretty unlikely to develop healthy, satisfying relationships as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.