Step Eight, Part Two---Forgiveness

Let's remember that alcoholics are not the only ones bedeviled by sick emotions. Moreover, it is usually a fact that our behavior when drinking has aggravated the defects of others....In many instances we are really dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose woes we have increased. If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

If there's something a long-term relationship requires, it's this ability to let go of the last battle and begin again with kindness. When teaching about forgiveness recently, I found myself saying, "I'm an expert on forgiveness: I'm married." This got a big laugh, but indeed, if you can't forgive, your marriage probably won't last very long, or at least it will be a painful one.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Bruce, a recovering cocaine and sex addict, has been coming to counseling for several months. Many weeks, he brings in another story about how his wife has accused him of being interested in another woman or has once again angrily told him he has permanently ruined her life. We talk about ways he might avoid becoming defensive while gently suggesting to her that she might find relief for her suffering by attending S-anon or some other -anon program. Unfortunately, as so often happens in recovery, she insists that he is the one with the problem and that her angry resentment is justified.

I have known a few marriages which have not only survived but thrived in recovery even when the non-alcoholic/addicted partner chose not to become involved in a 12-Step program. But such marriages are the exception. The great majority of marriages in which only one partner participates in some kind of recovery program either wind up in divorce or limp along painfully for both partners. Without the 12-Step emphasis on letting go and on dealing with your own issues, it is exceedingly hard for the partner of an alcoholic/addict to forgive their recovering spouse for what he or she did during the years of active addiction.

Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do. To reach the place where you are ready to forgive someone who has harmed you requires a good deal of time and work. There is no established timetable for becoming ready to forgive and no easy recipe for doing the work, although working all of the Steps is a great help. A willingness to consider the possibility of forgiving a partner and a faith that you will one day be ready to forgive are essential to the process.

I have recently read some professional articles questioning whether it is even appropriate for a therapist/counselor to encourage a client to think about making forgiveness a goal. Certainly there may be some particularly harmful behaviors which a partner cannot and, perhaps, should not forgive. But unless there are compelling reasons to remain in such a marriage, I think everyone, including the children, will be better off if the marriage dissolves so that both partners are able to move past the last battle and begin a new relationship with kindness. Otherwise, as Kevin Griffin says, "if you can't forgive, your marriage...will be a painful one."