Step Seven, Part Three---Self-Centered Fear

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear--primarily that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

I discovered that self-centered fear was indeed fueling the anger---fear of loss, fear of abandonment, of not getting what I needed, of losing what I had. And the more deeply I peeled, the more my certainty increased that self-centered fear underlay everything that consistently made me uncomfortable.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path


Last week Doug and Judy were in for their once-a-month "maintenance" counseling appointment. By the end of the session, I found myself wondering what it is that they're trying to maintain. It certainly didn't seem like a happy, loving, mutually satisfying relationship.

Doug began the session by complaining that Judy hadn't done her part of their homework as she had promised she would if he did his part. He reminded me of a little boy in the back seat of the car complaining to dad that his sister wasn't staying on her side of the seat. Judy said she hadn't done her part of the homework because of all the times in the past when Doug had not been nice to her. She reminded me of a little girl complaining to mom that her brother wouldn't stop poking her so she wasn't going to stop bugging him.

We live in a culture that is saturated with admonitions to "have it your way!"; "you deserve it!"; and other slogans designed to reinforce our sense of entitlement to whatever we are demanding. Our political process has come to be based on politicians exploiting our fear of losing what we already possess. So it is understandable that we can so easily fall into a relationship based more on self-centered fear than on other-directed support and mutuality.

Fortunately, those of us who are members of 12-Step programs receive a much different message. Our experiences with addiction have taught us how unmanageable our lives are when they are guided by our selfish thoughts and actions. In order to live a life free of addiction, we come to realize we must allow our egos to be deflated, must let go of focusing so much on what we want and expect, must learn the "difference between a demand and a simple request." We discover how service and mutual support provide us with much more satisfaction and fulfillment than trying to respond to our self-centered fears of losing something we already possess or failing to get something we demand.

Funny how easily we can lose sight of these basic principles after we have established an intimate relationship with someone else. Once we are past the initial infatuation and sexual excitement and discover that we are not the same and often don't want the same things, we all too quickly stop thinking about "practicing these principles in ALL our affairs." We may continue to be a great mentor and sponsor to newcomers in the program and we may be valued as an important contributor at work, but at home we find ourselves "living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands (so that) we are in a state of continual disturbance and frustration."

Living in a close relationship with another human being is a humbling experience. Over and over again we are confronted by our character defects, by the things that consistently make us uncomfortable ("things that consistently make me uncomfortable is my working definition of shortcomings, character defects, wrongs and the like"----Laura S.) Perhaps no place else is the need for humility greater than living with someone else in an intimate and sustained relationship. The more we are able to let go of our self-centered fears of losing what we have and not getting what we demand, the more we are able to experience the kind of humility the Seventh Step is talking about.