Step Ten, Part Two---Self-Restraint

Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot....We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Pete and Joan came to see me several months ago just as Joan was making a decision to move out of their home because she needed "space" to figure out how she feels about their marriage and whether she still wants to be married to Pete. Pete was initially shocked and confused, saying he hadn't seen it coming at all. As far as he could see, they have a very good marriage and he professed to be quite unaware of Joan's doubts about their relationship.

As we have begun to sort out what led Joan to make this decision, Pete's initial emotional numbness has given way to anger. He demands that Joan "stop this nonsense" and move back home immediately. Joan responds angrily herself, telling Pete to "back off and give me space." They have entered a critical moment in the counseling process. I told them if they aren't careful and make an effort to exercise some self-restraint in the midst of their strong emotions, one or the other of them (or both) can destroy with an intemperate remark their chance to discover the root of Joan's dissatisfaction and work to resolve it in a way that brings them back together. They are definitely at risk for speaking or acting hastily or rashly, thereby losing any chance to be fair-minded and tolerant.

Turning to John Gottman and his research once more, we find some striking findings that speak directly to this issue. He discovered as he was measuring pulse rates and blood pressure while a couple was talking about a contentious issue that there came a certain point when one partner would become emotionally flooded. At that point, the "fight or flight" response in the oldest part of the brain would be triggered so that a person either exploded in rage or stormed out of the room (or sometimes both.) Gottman was able to identify when that point was reached---when a person's pulse exceeds 100 beats a minute.

Once a person is physiologically and emotionally flooded, his or her ability to practice self-restraint is pretty much gone. So it is important to learn to recognize the signs that the flooding process is starting up (for men generally when their pulse exceeds 80 bpm and for women generally when their pulse exceeds 90 bpm.) Once we recognize that we are starting to be flooded, the best thing to do is to stop the interaction and ask for a timeout. If we wait until we are completely flooded before asking for a timeout, it will be too late, and we are likely to say or do things that are quite harmful to our relationship.

There are helpful ways and unhelpful ways to take a timeout. First of all, a timeout needs to be at least 20 minutes in duration because it takes that long for adrenaline to subside and for the heart to return to normal. Secondly, we need to soothe ourselves by doing something restful and calming such as taking a walk, listening to music, or some other nonstressful activity. At the same time, we must refrain from keeping up an angry dialogue in our head, seeing ourselves as the innocent victim of our partner's bad behavior; instead we need to use self-soothing tools such as the Serenity Prayer to restore us to sanity. Finally, when we do tell our partner we need to take a timeout, we also need to make a commitment to return to the discussion as soon as we have calmed down or as soon thereafter as is practical.

Gottman also learned from his research that men and women are quite different when it comes to flooding. On the whole, men are much more likely to reach a flooded state quicker than women are, so most of the time it is the man who needs to ask for a timeout. Also, once aroused by stress, men take longer to calm down than women, so they are likely to need longer timeouts. Finally, men are more likely to have negative thoughts which perpetuate their distress, while women are more likely to be self-soothing in their thinking and looking for ways to be conciliatory, so men need to be especially vigilant about using such tools as the Serenity Prayer to combat their self-righteous thinking.

Mother nature has played another trick in the gender department around the issue of flooding. While men are much more likely to be highly distressed when difficult, sensitive issues are being discussed so that they are the ones needing to call for a timeout before becoming flooded, women are much more prone to being flooded when an issue of importance to them is not being discussed and moved toward some kind of resolution. This means that a woman will remain in a state of increasing distress if her partner breaks off a discussion because of the need for a timeout and then is unwilling to resume the discussion at a later point. Thus it is imperative for a man to make a verbal contract to come back to an issue when he is requesting a timeout to cool down and then to keep his commitment by returning to the issue in a timely manner. Otherwise, his wife/girlfriend will bring up the issue again, but most likely in a harsher manner, which will in turn push him toward being flooded even sooner. And then the cycle of mutual negativity begins to take on a life of its own.