Step Nine, Part Three---Forgiveness One More Time

Forgiveness is a mostly internal experience. At one daylong retreat I was teaching, people talked a lot about how they didn't want to let someone off the hook, absolve them of responsibility, by forgiving them. I think it's important to draw the distinction between forgiveness and absolution. Forgiveness is something we do in our own hearts to relieve ourselves of the pain of resentment. It's not saying that the person is off the hook for any harm they have caused. If fact, we aren't capable of letting someone off the hook--the Law of Karma is responsible for that. If we can be very clear about this distinction, it helps as we enter into the delicate work of forgiveness. We forgive others so that we can heal ourselves. For no other reason.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

A description of resentment I heard early in the program is one that still makes the most sense to me. Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. I can definitely relate to that. If I allow a resentment to take root in my mind, it just grows and grows every time I see or even think about the person I'm resentful of. It isn't long before it just completely takes over my mind for long periods of time. And I'm the one who suffers, not the person with whom I have a resentment.

I would disagree with Kevin Griffin that the only reason we forgive others is to heal ourselves. If we are in a long-term relationship we also forgive our partners so we can heal the relationship. No relationship can thrive in the midst of ongoing resentments. When resentment is present in a relationship, it quickly tips the ratio of interactions between partners from five positive ones for every negative interaction, which characterizes a happy relationship, to a ratio of one to one, which
is never enough to sustain a healthy relationship.

So how do we heal resentments enough to be able to forgive our partner? The program suggests that we pray for someone with whom we're angry, which is an excellent and effective strategy. Buddhism suggests a similar strategy, employing what Buddhists call an antidote to anger. As soon as we become aware of a resentful thought about our partner, at that same moment we can try to introduce a thought of patience or compassion or loving-kindness. Because of the way our minds work, it is virtually impossible to entertain both the wish to harm and the wish to love our partner at the same moment. The more we can generate thoughts of compassion and loving-kindness whenever an angry, resentful thought about our partner arises, the more easily we will come to the place when we can let go of the resentment and allow ourselves to forgive our partners for whatever they have done or failed to do. This kind of antidote to resentment also helps with our spiritual awakening and development, which is, after all, the desired outcome of working the Steps to the best of our ability.