Step Nine, Part Four---Except when to do so would injure them or others

There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or--quite as important--other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

In his comment to one of my posts on how secret-keeping endangers relationships in recovery, Namenlosen Trinker wrote that he would be leery about revealing infidelities to someone with whom he was still in relationship and wanted to know more of my thoughts about the matter. There is no obvious right answer to this problem. First of all, I think the important word in the 12x12 quote is "unsuspecting." This is tricky because in many instances our partner has had a gut sense telling him or her that we might be involved with someone else, although there is no direct evidence. And quite often in such cases, a spouse will either override such gut instincts, convincing her- or himself that she or he is just imagining things, or will remain quiet about such fears because she or he doesn't want to face the consequences of knowing the truth. So, when this is the case, can we say that such a spouse is truly unsuspecting? Will it help or harm the relationship if we reveal what our spouse has suspected in her or his gut without knowing it for certain?

There are also many times when a spouse is not, in fact, unsuspecting about our infidelities during the time we were drinking and using. What we thought was secret was obvious to her or him, although, again, a spouse may have chosen not to confront us about such knowledge because of anxiety about the consequences of the issue being openly discussed. In this case, if we make amends to a partner without acknowledging the reality of our infidelity, our partner is not going to believe in our "rigorous honesty," and is unlikely to come to feel safe and secure in the relationship.

Then there is the problem of what happens to us and to the relationship when we keep such information secret because we don't want to injure our unsuspecting partner. For most of us, keeping such matters secret seriously interferes with our ability to be vulnerable and open in intimate relationships---and openness and vulnerability are essential to a healthy, happy intimate relationship. When we keep our past secret, we have to be careful about saying something that might alert our spouse to past infidelities, and we live with the fear that someday the secret will be revealed.

Many times we don't make full revelations because we fear the serious harm it might do to US. I think it's safe to say that most partners will react with great distress when we make amends for any infidelities during our drinking and using years that have not yet been openly discussed (and our spouse will probably also be quite upset when we make amends for any infidelities which she or he already knows about.) There may be talk of divorce. Certainly there is a high probability that our spouse will tell us how hateful we are for having done such a thing and will be emotionally volatile for an extended period of time. We will have to rely on the support of our Higher Power, our sponsor, and friends in the program to help us stay present in our relationship and work through the angry and hurt feelings.

Making amends for past infidelities definitely calls for a "careful sense of timing." We must have established a solid foundation to our recovery and have developed a trusting relationship with a sponsor. If we are involved in couples counseling, we need to have established a good working relationship with the counselor and have come to trust that counselor's impartiality before venturing down this path. Obviously we must have ended the affair and be ready to commit to a monogamous
relationship before we make any such amends.

It is also important to consider our motivation if we choose to reveal a past infidelity to our partner. Are we trying to hurt our partner in some way? Are we trying to create a crisis so our partner will be left with the responsibility for deciding to end the relationship? Are we primarily trying to alleviate our guilt feelings without being committed to doing whatever it takes to help our spouse work through her or his pain and anger? Have we thought this through and talked about it with our sponsor and/or counselor or are we acting on impulse?

Finally, I find myself taking the quote at the top of this article with more than a few grains of salt because of who wrote it. Bill Wilson was apparently unfaithful to Lois many times over and continued in a fairly public extramarital affair long after he helped write the Steps. I don't know if he and Lois ever talked openly about this, but it is hard to believe that Lois was "unsuspecting." If Bill had given Lois a detailed account of his extramarital adventuring, he might well have had to deal with a less than adoring wife and might have had to confront and do something about his apparent sexual addiction. I realize "times were different then" (and they were), but the words "where to make a full revelation woluld seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends" rings a little hollow.