Step Ten, Part One---Relationship Maintenance

For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

I have been writing posts about applying the "action" steps (4-9) to cleaning up past wreckage and taking responsibility for relationship problems in recovery. But once we have put a lot of work into healing the damage done to our relationships prior to recovery, we need to turn our attention to keeping those relationships as healthy as possible as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. Practicing Step Ten on a daily basis is one of the keys to this process.

One of the most important aspects of self-searching I have learned over the years in my relationship with S is to take her seriously when she suggests that something seems to be going on to me. Many times during our first several years together, S would ask me what was bothering me and I would reply with that famous answer, "Nothing!" I was usually being honest when I answered that way because I was unaware of any negative feelings at the moment of my answer, but over the next day or two I would gradually come to a place where I would have to admit to myself (and then to S, which was even harder) that something was bothering me. After that happened a number of times, I realized that S is often more accurately aware of my emotional state than I am and that I should pay heed when she thinks something is going on with me that I'm not talking about. So an important part of my Step Ten self-searching comes from taking S seriously when she thinks something is going on with me and making the effort to figure out what it is.

Accepting and admitting what we find in our self-searching is a significant part of staying clean and sober and growing in our recovery. Accepting and admitting what we find when we look at our primary relationship clearly and comprehensively is also a significant part of maintaining a satisfying relationship. Over and over again I see couples whose relationship has become very unhappy and unsatisfactory because one or both partners wasn't willing to accept the problems that were developing or wasn't willing to admit their part in creating those problems. When we refuse to admit and accept the difficulties that have arisen in our relationship, we stop living in the present moment and get caught in unresolved feelings from the past. As a result, the relationship is no longer "current," and future difficulties stir up angry, disappointing feelings left over from unresolved difficulties of the past.

Step Ten also contributes to the maintenance of our relationships by pushing us to make a persistent effort to correct what is wrong. The key word here is "persistent." Some relationship problems are easily and quickly resolved, but many of them seem to come back again and again. In fact, John Gottman says that almost 60% of the problems couples encounter are "perpetual," never fully and finally resolved. But successful couples are willing to work with such problems repeatedly, often finding a partial or momentary solution that allows their relationship to remain current. He also discovered that a sense of humor was the best tool of all when it comes to dealing with such kinds of problems.

Finally, spending time together is of the essence if you wish to keep your intimate relationship in excellent health. Many years ago I saw a videotape of a marriage counselor who said that couples need an hour a day of direct contact with each other in order to stay connected. That hour can be broken up into 10 or 15 minute segments, but the critical thing is that partners be fully engaged with each other during those times. He went on to say that during the early years of his marriage, when he was working full-time, attending graduate school in the evenings full-time, and he and his wife were parenting 3 kids under the age of 5, they would hire a babysitter on Friday nites and go out on a date from 7 pm until 2 am, thereby getting in 7 hours of direct contact for the week in one evening. He said he doubted the marriage would have survived their extremely busy schedule if they had not made such an arrangement for the two years he was in graduate school. I concur with the need to make spending time together a top priority; if you don't, your relationship will seriously suffer and likely die.