Step Ten, Part Two---Promptly

On occasion, I've tried to sit after having had a fight with my wife, and, right in the middle of meditation, stopped, gotten up, and gone to her to apologize. Seeing the suffering I had caused, my part in it, and the suffering I was experiencing as a result, prompted me to abandon any attempt at sitting and go take care of that amends.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Ed and Betty were clients of mine a number of years ago. When they first came to see me, Ed was still drinking. He didn't admit he was drinking alcoholically until he and Betty had been in counseling for about three months. Before he got sober, Betty would bitterly complain how Ed would get angry with her when he was drunk and make all kinds of unfounded accusations about her. The next day he would act as if nothing had happened, taking no responsibility for his behavior and often not even acknowledging the previous evening's conflict. Ed's behavior was not at all unusual; most of us alcoholics and addicts have frequently tried to deal with our inappropriate, hurtful behavior by pretending the next day that everything is just fine, that there is no need to bring up the previous day's episode and that certainly there is no need for us to apologize and make amends.

Those habits of denial and stonewalling are difficult to change even after some time in recovery. So many times I find myself giving S the silent treatment after we have quarreled about something. But I am certainly not silent inside my head as I self-righteously defend my position and behavior and insist that S is the one who is wrong. Fortunately, sooner or later (unfortunately, more later than sooner) a new voice begins to make itself heard inside my head which says, 'Remember Step Ten. What's your part in this problem? Where were you wrong? What amends do you need to make?" At first, the angry part of me says, "SHUT UP!", but that other voice persists until I admit first to myself and then to S how I've behaved badly and how I need to apologize for the harm I've done to her and to our relationship.

The funny thing is that I always feel better after I do that. And things usually get a lot better between S and me fairly quickly after I've acknowledged being wrong and apologized. There is rarely any leftover animosity or resentment once I have practiced the Tenth Step in this situation, and as a result our relationship has remained current all these years, unencumbered by old business from the past. So why do I insist on holding onto my anger until my suffering becomes unbearable and I decide to let it go and bring that suffering to an end? I wish I knew.