Gender, Part One---Gender in Recovery, Part One

I recently read a piece of research about the differences in recovery by marital status and gender. The article was based on an 8-year follow-up of people who had completed treatment for alcoholism and/or addiction. The findings were intriguing. Married men were more likely to remain clean and sober than unmarried men. On the other hand, it was unmarried women who were more likely to still be clean and sober after 8 years (married women actually had a higher rate of abstinence after one year of recovery, but more married than unmarried women failed to remain abstinent over the 8 year period.) The authors of the article said the finding was unexpected and were at a loss for the explanation.

Based on my observations both in 12-Step meetings and in my work as a couples therapist, I think part of the reason for these findings has to do with how sexuality affects men and women differently in recovery. I have come to believe that the majority of men who are addicted to alcohol or other substances are also sex addicts. Whether it be obsessive viewing of online pornography, frequent trips to strip clubs,
repeated encounters with prostitutes, compulsive masturbation, or continuing "womanizing," we alcoholic/addict men are prone to act out sexually in ways that are risky for both our sobriety and our chances of developing and maintaining healthy, satisfying relationships.

My client George is a good example. George sobered up about six years ago. He was married at the time, but the marriage was in bad shape both because of George's drinking and his habit of going to strip clubs to drink. After he sobered up, George stopped going to strip clubs because of the threat to his sobriety; but he soon discovered Internet pornography and spent an increasing amount of his late evening time at home masturbating while viewing Internet pornography. About two years into his recovery, George's wife announced she was divorcing him because of his obsession with online pornography.

George came very close to picking up a drink after his wife left, but was able to stay sober with the support of his sponsor and the friends he had made in AA. Despite the failure of the marriage, George was initially unwilling to admit he was addicted to online pornography. He insisted it was harmless and something "all guys do altho they may not talk about it." He got involved in several short-term relationships after the divorce, but they didn't develop into anything significant.

About two years ago, George came to see me for counseling for help with his seeming inability to find the "right" woman. Eventually George admitted that his use of pornography and his compulsive masturbation were signs of a sexual addiction, and he began to attend SA meetings. It took awhile, but he finally was able to stop viewing pornography and to let go of the compulsive masturbation that went along with it.

And then about six months ago George met Bridget through a mutual friend. They hit it off and soon began seeing a lot of each other. George says he is experiencing the kind of emotional and sexual intimacy with Bridget he has always longed for, and he is clear that going back to Internet pornography would seriously damage their relationship. But a few weeks ago, Bridget left town to spend a few weeks with her seriously ill mother, and George reports that he is struggling not to go back online and just "check out" a few pornography sites.

As we explored what was underneath his desire to check out some pornography sites, George became aware of how much he misses Bridget and how lonely he feels without her presence. He was able to connect those feelings with the loneliness he felt during most of his childhood with a father who was always working and a mother who drank alcoholically as a way of medicating her own feelings of loneliness. George said he discovered by the age of 10 that masturbation could make those lonely feelings go away and that eventually he no longer noticed his loneliness and desire for emotional connection. He also said that in the past he wouldn't even have been aware of missing Bridget, his attitude being basically one of "out of sight, out of mind"--which was probably literally true for him.

So far I have never met an alcoholic or addicted man who grew up in a warm, loving family with a secure attachment to his parents. Although I have heard men in recovery make generalized statements about having had a happy childhood or having grown up in a good family, they either are not able to give specific examples of what made their childhood family a happy, loving one or they acknowledge not feeling very attached to their family when they were children. Not having met any men in recovery who grew up in loving, supportive families doesn't mean they do not exist; but they are definitely in the minority of those who develop the disease of alcoholism or addiction.. More importantly, I have heard far more men in recovery talk about growing up in families with alcoholic/addicted parents, angry, hostile parents, punitive parents, unavailable parents. Thus it is no surprise that most of the men I have known in recovery could be classified as having an avoidant attachment style.

Having an avoidant attachment style means not being aware of a longing for emotional connection or minimizing its importance. But all of us are born with the desire to be closely connected to someone, so a lack of awareness of such a need as an adult does not mean an absence of such a need. Add to that the fact that many, many men view sex as a way to get close, and it makes sense that many of us who are alcoholics and/or addicts become obsessed with sex in one form or another as either a way to connect at least briefly or as a way to anesthetize our feelings of loneliness and longing for connection. If we are going to find our way to a secure, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship in recovery, we must take a look at our sexual attitudes and behaviors to see where they cause relationship problems.

Lastly, I have come to believe that one of the reasons that marriage or a "new love interest" (Vaillant) greatly enhances the chances for long-term sobriety for men is the way a happy intimate relationship takes away many of the reasons we become alcoholics or addicts in the first place. A partner whom we trust and love provides us with the kind of emotional connection that most of us lacked during our childhoods and the years we were drinking and using. Although we may have married someone before we got into recovery who could have provided that kind of connection, our drinking and using lead us to behave in ways that seriously disrupted the relationship. It is only when we are clean and sober and willing to do the necessary work to heal and sustain a marriage that we reap the benefits of marriage to our sobriety.