Step One, Part Two---Admitted

Admitted. What a powerful word. So powerful that it appears in 3 of the steps. It is crucial to our recovery that we admit our addiction, the exact nature of our wrongs, and when we are wrong.

It is also crucial to the well-being of our close relationships in recovery. I saw that again this morning; rather, I saw how the absence of admission keeps a couple stuck in an unhappy impasse. Bruce and Cathy have been coming to see me for couples counseling since the first of the year. Bruce, who has several years of sobriety, keeps talking about the lack of physical affection from Cathy. Cathy, who went to Alanon for a few months and then stopped, emphasizes her distrust of Bruce and unwillingness to have any kind of physical relationship with him. And so it goes in nearly every session despite my various interventions to disrupt the predictable stalemate.

No matter how much I pressed each of them, neither was willing to admit to me, let alone to each other, that they have just as much responsibility for the impasse as their partner does. Bruce spoke about how Cathy "keeps me in jail by not letting me hug her." Cathy talked about how much Bruce's alcoholic behavior left her unwilling to be affectionate with him. But whenever I encouraged each of them to talk about their own contribution to the impasse, neither was able to admit what part they had in the marital discord.

Then there was my client, John, last evening who spoke about one more sticky situation he has created in his life by his unwillingness to admit the truth about his life. John, who is a divorced recovering cocaine addict, has begun dating someone he is quite interested in. On the second date, the woman asked him if he had ever been married. John, not wanting to scare her off, fudged his reply in a way that left the woman thinking he has never been married. Now he is trying to find a way to tell her the truth without admitting that he deceived her on that second date. And, of course, the longer he waits to come clean, the more of a problem it will be.

Relationships work so much better when we admit openly and directly the mistakes we have made, the harm we have caused, the problems we have created by our carelessness and/or stupidity. Certainly, we will often experience discomfort when we do so, both because of the dissonance we feel between our belief about the kind of person we wish to be and the reality of what we have done and because of our partner's likely unhappy initial reaction. But once we have admitted our flaws and mistakes, we can then begin to deal with whatever problems those flaws and mistakes have created. Just as sobriety depends on the continuing evaluation of our actions and a willingness to admit it promptly when we are wrong, so the health of our intimate relationships depends on the willingness to admit our part in whatever problems have developed.