Step Two, Part Three---Restored to Sanity

B, a recovering cocaine and sex addict, came in last week to talk about empathy. He said that his wife, C, repeatedly complains about his lack of empathy for the pain she felt because of his many infidelities during the years of his sexual acting out. B, who has several years of recovery, did an 8th and 9th Step amends process during his first year of recovery. During the session he acknowledged the truth of C's complaint about his lack of empathy; but then in almost the same breath made the plaintive cry,"What does she want from me! I already made my amends. Why can't we move on and let it go?"

I have heard in counseling sessions and in 12-Step meetings almost those exact same words from many people over the years. The alcoholic/addict so much wants the 9th Step amends process to put an end to their partner's unhappiness. He or she seems to be unable to understand why their partner continues "to live in the past" and seems unwilling "to get over it." The difference between the addict/alcoholic's wish to let go of the past as quickly as possible and a partner's need for time to work through that past is at the heart of many of the difficulties couples experience in recovery.

As B and I talked, I pointed out that he has stayed married to C for more than 20 years despite all the "opportunities" he had to leave her for one of the women with whom he had an affair.I said that his relationship with C must have been important to him during all those years of using and acting out. He replied, "Of course it was (and is)--I love C. I never loved those other women." I suggested that C is struggling to understand how and why he could do what he did if he loved her and she was important to him.

That's when we began talking about the insanity of addiction and how we do such harmful, painful things, both to ourselves and to the people we love. A relationship involving an addicted partner is repeatedly touched by insanity---broken promises, lying, denial, infidelities, financial difficulties, physical and/or verbal abuse, abandonment, suicide attempts. The list of insane behavior that occurs during active addiction is nearly endless.

Step Two says there is a power greater than either partner which can restore the relationship to sanity. Step Two asks each partner to come to believe that this power will help heal the relationship if they are both willing to let go of trying to control the other. Developing faith in such a power is vital for a couple as they struggle through all the difficulties that arise during the early months and years of recovery. Having that faith sustains couples who have been in recovery a long time when new difficulties occur as they inevitably will.

B then went on to talk about how much guilt he feels whenever C brings up his past behavior and how bad he feels about himself. He either reacts in an angry, defensive manner or begs for forgiveness. What he most wants at that point is for C to stop talking so he won't have to feel such unpleasant feelings. He does not find himself responding in an empathic way, acknowledging the reality of C's pain and the truth of his responsibility for causing the pain.

Near the end of our session, B recognized that he never initiated conversations with C about what had happened and how painful and destructive it had been for their relationship. He decided that he would give that a try and see how C responded. I supported his decision, and urged him to keep at it even if C, as is likely, does not have an enthusiastic, positive response at first. It will take some time for her to trust that he really does understand how painful his addiction has been for her and that he truly "gets it."