Step One, Part Four---Powerless, Not Helpless

The First Step in Recovering Couples Anonymous says, We admitted we were powerless over our relationship--that our lives together had become unmanageable. I'm not comfortable with that wording. While I certainly believe we are powerless to control and manage our partners and we are powerless to be in charge of our close relationships unilaterally, I don't believe that together we are powerless over our relationship. All of my more than 20 years of working with couples as well as my own experience of being married more than 20 years have convinced me that couples who work together have a great deal of power to shape their relationship.

Of course, none of the 12-Step programs equate being powerless with being helpless. If that were true, then the program would not contain the action steps 4-10. There is obviously a good deal of action we must take in recovery in order to maintain our sobriety and grow along both emotional and spiritual lines. The same is true about our relationships---if we wish to improve our unhappy relationships (and virtually all relationships impacted by alcoholism and drug addiction are unhappy), we are going to have to undertake considerable action together.

There are aspects of a relationship where we are powerless. We are powerless, for example, about being able to guarantee the outcome of our efforts. We are also powerless to change the pervasive reality of impermanence, the fact that everything, including our relationship, is subject to change and loss. And, finally, we are powerless to get people to be exactly the way we wish them to be.

Yes, it takes a lot of effort, often a great deal of effort, to transform relationships in recovery into happy, healthy ones. Yes, it often seems impossible to make that change at first--but so, too, does individual sobriety and recovery. And yes, it usually takes at least several years before we begin to see the changes we had hoped to see. But we are not helpless about being able to grow and change using the tools provided by 12-Step programs and the people in them, about turning for help to people knowledgeable about relationships, and about seeking wise spiritual guidance in our efforts.

Now some relationships are beyond repair by the time a couple gets into recovery. There has simply been too much damage to the bond between them for these couples to restore their relationship to sanity. Such relationships will not become happy ones because one or both partners just don't have the willingness and energy necessary to make the required changes. Usually, relationships in this condition will come to an end during the first year or two of recovery, although I certainly have known such relationships to go on for years and years, making both partners miserable---I don't recommend this route.

But remembering that falling off the pink cloud is a normal part of the recovery process, we mustn't immediately give up hope on our relationship as soon as some the old pre-sobriety behaviors and interactions start showing up. It is essential to put enough time and energy into individual recovery to establish a solid foundation before making a decision about whether a relationship can be resuscitated and renewed. If the decision is affirmative, then don't confound powerlessness over your partner with helplessness about being able to work together to build a better relationship.