Step Four, Part Three---Ego Deflation and Seeking Help

Over the years I have heard many people in 12-Step meetings talk about being stuck when they get to the Fourth Step. A majority of these folks are people who haven't found a sponsor or haven't found a sponsor with whom they feel comfortable and OK about being vulnerable. And being vulnerable is what the Fourth Step is all about.
As Kevin Griffin puts it in One Breath at a Time--
Delving into the past--the sordid past--and exploring all the ways that we have caused others and ourselves pain is devastating to the ego. Most of us find it possible to do this Step only with the help of a sponsor or other spiritual advisor and only after firmly committing ourselves to our spiritual growth (Step Three).

This is just as true for couples in recovery as it is for individuals. Trying to do an inventory of your behavior in your relationship and of the relationship itself brings up all kinds of difficult, painful feelings. It is asking too much of yourself and your partner to do this without help from a knowledgeable, sympathetic third party. This is especially true if, as is frequently the case, you haven't made the decision to work the Steps on your relationship until it is in full-blown crisis (usually when you or your partner has announced a desire to end it.)

There are two good sources of help, one in the Program and one outside it. The source of help in the Program can be found by listening to the people in meetings who have at least 4 or 5 years of recovery and seem to be fairly happy in their close relationships. Although they acknowledge problems from time to time, since no relationship is ever perfect, they usually refer to their partner in a positive manner and refer to their relationship as a significant part of their recovery. These are the people who can advise and support you when you undertake a Fourth Step about your relationship.

Just as it isn't helpful to choose someone for a sponsor who has little time in recovery or has a history of repeated relapses, so it is not helpful to choose someone who is not in a committed relationship or who frequently complains about how impossible their partner is. Someone who has just separated or divorced is not likely to be a source of positive suggestions about how to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of your relationship and to take responsibility for your part in the relationship's problems. And someone who makes negative comments about members of other 12-Step programs (e.g.,, "she's an Ala-non, you know", said with a voice of contempt) or about "all" members of one gender (e.g., "men are so dumb") is not going to be someone who is going to guide you through the process of doing an inventory of your relationship in an evenhanded manner.

The other source of help in doing a relationship inventory is a professionally-trained marriage and family therapist/counselor. Most good marriage and family therapists see relationships from a systems point of view, which means they look at the big picture and do not assign blame primarily to one partner or the other for whatever problems the relationship has. Unfortunately, most marriage and family therapists do not know a great deal about addiction and recovery unless they have had personal experience with it. So it is helpful and legitimate to inquire of any professional whose help you seek how much they know about addiction and recovery and what is the level of experience they have had in working with people in recovery.

Finally, finding appropriate help with the Fourth Step sometimes means giving up your own efforts when you seem to keep hitting a dead end and trusting that your Higher Power will reveal the appropriate person when you are ready. Or as is often said in Zen Buddhist circles, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."