Step Five,. Part One--Secrets

Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not to be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us.
Yet if AA's experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

I felt a huge weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Ron and Cynthia were in for their last session with me a few days ago. They were so happy and delighted with their marriage and each other. They looked forward to a marriage based on trust and openness. Although they have been married nearly 30 years, they seemed more like newlyweds.

The state of their marriage wasn't nearly so positive six months ago. Ron, a recovering alcoholic and sex addict with several years of recovery, had held back the fact that he had been with another woman on the eve of their 25th anniversary. Although he had told Cynthia about this woman and other women as well when he was sharing his Fifth Step with her, he hadn't told Cynthia about this occasion because he felt so guilty about it and because he thought it would be "too hurtful" to Cynthia to learn where he had been the day before they left for a "honeymoon" trip to Hawaii to celebrate their anniversary.

Cynthia had suspected that Ron was holding something back. She pressed him about where he had been that night. Ron had insisted he was working late to get everything finished up before they left the next day. But Cynthia's gut told her that Ron wasn't being truthful, so she kept asking him to tell her where he had really been that night. Ron finally capitulated and told Cynthia the truth.

His holding back nearly destroyed the marriage. Cynthia, who had struggled to regain her emotional center and her trust in Ron after learning about his multiple affairs during his years of drinking, was devastated. She had known about Ron's sexual involvement with this woman, so it wasn't that information that was so upsetting to her. Instead it was the fact that Ron had continued to lie to her even after he supposedly had"come clean" when he shared his Fifth Step with her. She was in despair that she would ever be able to trust Ron to be completely open and honest with her.

To his credit, Ron did not try to defend himself and took full responsibility for holding back. He was able to acknowledge how much more hurtful to Cynthia it had been for him to lie about this incident rather than todisclose it to her. He accepted the fact that he was going to have to work hard to win back Cynthia's trust, that he was going to have to be rigorously honest in all his communication with her even if she might be angry or hurt by something he told her.

We spent many sessions during the past six months "processing" this incident. Gradually Cynthia came to believe that this really was Ron's last holdout, that he understood and empathized with how devastating it had been to her, and that he was committed to practicing the principle of rigorous honesty in their marriage. And
Ron saw his huge weight of self-hatred and fear of discovery lift and be replaced with a much deeper, more satisfying experience of intimate connection with Cynthia. They left their last session knowing that although there would be difficulties from time to time in their marriage, they could deal with those difficulties because there would be no secrets getting in the way of their resolution.