Step Two, Part Two---A Power Greater Than Ourselves

From the draft version on Step Two in the Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous:
Many of us made our partners our Higher Power. They had the power to regulate our feelings.

That is so true for couples in recovery; in fact, it is true for all couples whose relationship is not going well. John Gottman, the leading authority on couple interactions based on more than 20 years of close observation, has identified four behaviors that are virtually guaranteed to evoke a strong negative emotional reaction from a partner. Naming them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Gottman discovered that criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stone-walling are universal warning signs of a relationship in trouble.

We are critical of our partners when we label them ("you are such a baby!"), use the phrases "always" or "never" ("you're always late"), and/or attack our partner's character or personality in a negative, blaming way ("you're just a nagging wife like your mom was!"). When we criticize our partner, we are saying something negative about the kind of person he or she is. Almost everyone on the receiving end of criticism feels bad and usually reacts with anger or defensive self-justification.

Although defensiveness is our usual response in the face of criticism, it doesn't help because it almost always escalates the conflict. Whether defensiveness takes the form of denying responsibility, making excuses, countering with a criticism of our own, whining, or the many other ways it can be expressed, it indicates that we see ourselves as a victim. And when we see ourselves as a victim, we have made our partner into a punitive Higher Power. That usually goads our partner into becoming even more critical or upping the ante by becoming contemptuous.

Gottman describes contempt as the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. When we are contemptuous of a partner we are sneering at him or her, both verbally and physically. We are filled with negative feelings and thoughts about our partner and have lost sight of any of the positive qualities that we once admired in our partner. We view our partner with disgust and see him or her as stupid, a fool, an asshole. In doing so, we have given our partner the power to fill us with hatred. When we are contemptuous, we have lost our way on our spiritual path. And our relationship is headed for the trashcan.

The most common response to contempt is stone-walling. The person on the receiving end of a contemptuous tirade simply stops listening and metaphorically becomes a stone-wall, impervious to whatever is said. The nonverbal, hostile, icy distance (as well as the angry storming out and slamming the door) speaks volumes to a partner---you don't matter to me and I'm not listening to anything you have to say. Stone-walling means we have given our partner the power to completely shut us down, leaving us mute until we either erupt in abusive rage or race out of the room. Relationships filled with contempt and stone-walling are usually not long for this world unless neither partner is willing to take the responsibility for ending it, in which case they both have effectively made the decision to live in an unhappy, loveless relationship for the rest of their lives.

The Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous goes on to say in regards to Step Two:
When we were in good spiritual places with our Higher Power, our partners' actions didn't bother us nearly as much.

Being in a good spiritual place leads to being less reactive to a partner's behavior, and being less reactive creates the opportunity for a more positive cycle of interaction to develop and grow. When both partners are involved in 12-Step programs, they learn about "Letting go and letting God." They understand that "practicing these principles in all our affairs" applies to their relationship with each other. As a result, over time they are able to let go of the critical, contemptuous, and defensive behaviors that characterized their relationship when addiction was still active. And as the criticism, defensiveness, and contempt subside, stone-walling disappears as well because the powerful physiological "fight or flight" response is no longer operating. When that happens the relationship is truly on the road to recovery.