Step One, Part One

After a long hiatus from writing this blog because of vacation and a home remodel that just won't seem to end, I'm back to this blog and turning my attention to using the steps as the foundation for relationships in recovery.



Step One begins with probably the most important word for couples in recovery---WE. For many alcoholics and addicts, WE is a very foreign concept. As Laura S put it so aptly in her book, 12 Steps on Buddha's Path: I had never been a we. I had always been an I. I didn't even like wes; they were WEak.



This was certainly true for me. I grew up with lots of family messages about the importance of being autonomous and self-sufficient. Some of these messages were direct: Think for yourself, don't follow the crowd. But most of them were indirect---at the age of 7 I was taking a bus by myself 5 miles into town to take swimming lessons, my parents never asked how I was doing in school or if I needed any help, etc. So by the time I started drinking and using I was fully accustomed to being only an I. I hadn't a clue about being part of a we when I married the first time at age 23---the only surprise about that marriage is that it lasted as long as it did, nearly 10 years.



Fortunately, my recovery began before my second marriage did. But my partner, S, who was the person who helped me realize I am an alcoholic/addict, had been an active member of Alanon for many years before we married. So when I began my recovery, S already had a number of years of recovery. This made it much easier to be a we in recovery.

Many of the couples I see do not have this initial advantage because only one partner chooses to be active in a 12-Step program. When this happens, when 12-Step recovery is confined to only one partner in the relationship, recovery tends to produce more distance in the relationship rather than more closeness. Over and over again, I have observed in both my practice and in meetings that many marriages end sometime between 6 months and several years after the alcoholic-addict's sobriety date because the distance has gotten so great between the partners that they are almost speaking different languages.

In the last few years, a new 12-Step program for couples has come into being. Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA) is firmly based on the importance of we. In the online draft of the RCA Bluebook, the first few pages are about the underlying philosophy of the program. The main theme and purpose of RCA is described as follows: Couples need to treat their coupleship as an entity distinct and separate from their individual recoveries.

In the introduction to the philosophy of RCA, the Bluebook goes on to state, It is important that each partner accept mutual responsibility for the problems and/or progress of the coupleship. This, I believe, is the essence of what it takes for a couple to find their way to recovering from the devastation that alcoholism and/or addiction has done to their relationship. A couple, as opposed to an individual, is in recovery when they accept the mutual responsibility that being a we entails.

One of the most powerful ways to develop this sense of mutual responsibility in recovery is to work the steps together. I know this is an alarming prospect to many couples in recovery. Several years ago, S and I presented a weekend workshop to a group of recovering professionals and their partners about using the steps as a basis for improving their relationships. When we suggested they work the steps together, there was an audible gasp from several members of the audience. Certainly there need to be guidelines for doing so, particularly around the steps involving making an inventory; but I can speak from personal experience that discussing and working the steps together has been a powerful tool for creating a healthy sense of we in our relationship.

RCA is based on couples working the steps together. It is an excellent source of information and support for doing so. I encourage any couple in recovery to check it out.