The Four Noble Truths of Relationships

I have been away from this blog for nearly a week because I was deeply engrossed in reading a wonderful new book summarizing a lot of research about the ways in which all of us try to justify our beliefs and our behavior and the ways that our efforts at self-justification get us in trouble. But before I begin writing some posts about that topic, I want to conclude my Buddhist perspective on relationships in recovery by considering how the Four Noble Truths expounded by the Buddha apply to intimate relationships.

The first noble truth is about the reality of suffering in all close relationships. All couples, happy and unhappy couples, experience conflict and anger with each other. Every couple finds itself struggling with pain and dissatisfaction arising from differences of opinion, values, desires, and behavior. There are no perfect, problem-free partnerships; at least, I have never observed nor known about such a partnership.

The second noble truth about relationships is that suffering arises because of partners' unwillingness to accept the reality of their differences. They either want their partner to be a certain way or they are unhappy about the way their partner is. Or if they can't control their partner, they move to indifference and emotional separation, which also causes much suffering.

The third noble truth about all relationships, including relationships in recovery, is the possibility of reducing the amount of suffering. There are many satisfied couples who find that the joy and comfort of their relationship far outweighs their moments of anger and unhappiness.
This is true of relationships in recovery as well, although that might not always be apparent during the first years of recovery.

The fourth and final noble truth about relationships is the existence of a path to freedom from suffering. The Buddha described a path that employed 8 different skills to end suffering. In recovery, we have the 12 Steps, which also are designed to reduce and limit suffering. Those 12 steps work very well for couples, and I want to explore how to make them work in a series of posts about the 12 Steps and Relationships in Recovery.

But first I want to talk about the material I have just read in Mistakes were Made (But not by me) because it is so useful in thinking about how relationships can so easily go awry in recovery. The research described in that book is an excellent description of the basic problem in relationships---self-justification. After writing some posts about this issue, I will then move on to looking at how the 12 Steps are an effective solution to the problem of self-justification.