Balance, Desire, and the Longing for Love

When we lose our balance we die, but at the same time we also develop ourselves, we grow. Whatever we see is changing, losing its balance. The reason everything looks beautiful is because it is out of balance, but its background is always in perfect harmony.
Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

Balance comes when we learn to accept being off balance, not when we hold ourselves aloof.
Mark Epstein, Open to Desire

Early recovery is a time when everything feels out of balance, including our closest relationships. Our relationship feels out of balance because it is out of balance. Prior to recovery our partnership was centered on our addictions, whether or not we were aware of that reality. Interactions were focused on using and the consequences of using. If we are the addict, then we have been determined not to let our partner get in the way of our using. If we are the partner of an addict, then we have been constantly trying either to keep our partner from using or trying to manage the consequences of their use.

When recovery from addiction begins, most people assume that their intimate relationships will quickly move to a more harmonious balance. When alcohol, drugs, sexual acting out, gambling or other forms of compulsive pathological behavior are no longer present to upset the partnership, couples believe they will be able to relate much more easily and resolve their conflicts much more quickly. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Not only do close relationships fail to improve quickly in early recovery, they usually tend to deteriorate significantly. For better or worse, addiction has been the glue holding the relationship together. Without that glue, partners find they have no idea how to deal effectively with the powerful emotions and unresolved issues that soon emerge in sobriety. This is one of the reasons why maintaining sobriety is so difficult and why relapse is so likely if both partners have not established a strong connection to a 12-Step program or some other resource that supports sobriety and recovery.

The truth is that the old relationship must collapse and die before a couple can begin to establish a healthy relationship based on the principles of recovery. Trying to hold on to the old relationship while staying clean and sober is doomed to failure--either sobriety will be lost or the relationship will end in an angry separation. As 12-Step programs remind us over and over again, we must let everything go, including our closest relationships, and let our Higher Power, as we understand it, be in charge of our lives.

At the same time, if we are to find our way to a healthy, more loving relationship in recovery we must open ourselves to our desire for love and connection. This means allowing ourselves to become more vulnerable, more exposed to our deep longing for love and connectedness. As John Welwood has said, "We cannot receive love if we are not open to the raw and tender experience of wanting it." In order to become open to that kind of "raw and tender experience," it is imperative that we have the support of a sponsor and others who are knowledgeable about addiction and recovery.

But we must be patient about sitting with that desire during early recovery. It takes time for the old relationship based on active addiction to die. It takes time and a lot of work to establish a solid foundation of recovery before we can create a more positive, mutually satisfying intimate relationship. It is time measured in years, not weeks or months. So it is important to realize, as Mark Epstein states in the quote above, that balance in our primary relationship will come during early recovery by accepting the reality of being seriously off balance for awhile.