Living with Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships

In the last 3 posts I have been writing about some of the things I learned in reading Mistakes Were Made and how they affect us in relationships. As Tavris and Aronson demonstrate repeatedly in their review of the research literature, when our idea about ourselves or our partner conflicts with our actual behavior, the distress we feel leads us to justify that behavior and/or our beliefs about our partner. Tavris and Aronson emphasize that all of us are geared to justify our behavior and beliefs because that's the way our minds work.

At the end of their book, the authors offer some suggestions about how we can keep this need to reduce dissonance from harming our relationships. These suggestions fit very well with the 12 Steps. Once again I am amazed at the genius of Bill W, Doctor Bob, and the other early AA pioneers in devising a program that not only helps us stay sober but also gives us the tools for overcoming difficulties in our intimate relationships such as the ones created by the effects of cognitive dissonance.

The first suggestion Tavris and Aronson make is to practice taking a step back to look at our thoughts and our actions critically and dispassionately. They suggest we pause and insert a moment of reflection in order to create a space between what we feel and how we respond to our feeling. Exactly what 12 Step programs suggest we do before taking action. When we do that in our relationships, we are much less likely to do something harmful which we will then feel a need to justify.

Tavris and Aronson also emphasize the need for humility and letting go of the need to be right. When we realize that our minds are so constructed that we are likely to reject information that questions our beliefs, decisions, or preferences, we can be more open to the possibility of being wrong. As they write, "When confidence and convictions are unleavened by humility, by an acceptance of fallibility, people can easily cross the line from healthy self-assurance to arrogance." Steps 4 thru 10 are all about noticing how our character defects shape our behavior and developing the humility not only to notice when we are wrong but also to admit it promptly.

Another way of overriding the power of cognitive dissonance to justify our behavior is to develop an appreciation for life's complexities. Although we live in a digital age governed by the either/or system of 1's and 0's, life is rarely that simple. It is almost always a matter of both/and or some of this and some of that. Reminding ourselves of that truth helps us remember that what is right for us might not always be right for our partner. And remembering that reality opens the door to more empathy, to more willingness to accept our partner's actions and beliefs as having as much validity as our own actions and beliefs do.

Finally, Tavris and Aronson describe how dissonance can lead to either a spiral of negativity or a spiral of virtue. A spiral of negativity develops when we do something that harms our partner in some way and then find ourselves caught in the need to justify what we have just done. The most common method of doing that is to convince ourselves that our partner is neither nice nor innocent and deserves to be treated that way. Obviously this kind of self-justification creates an atmosphere which leads to a downward spiral of negativity in the relationship.

But it is possible to use dissonance to create the opposite kind of spiral, a spiral of virtue. When we treat our partner with generosity and compassion, we also are subject to the need to justify our behavior. The way we are most likely to do that is to see our partner in a more positive light and to downplay any negative feelings we might have about him or her. Having come to see the benefit of being generous and compassionate, we are likely to become even more so. Thus happy couples live in a relationship characterized by a "virtuous circle."

The trick in recovery is to move close relationships out of the downward spiral of negativity to the upward spiral of happiness and satisfaction. I have come to believe that the 12 Steps are one of the best tools for making this happen. So now it is time to turn my attention in future posts directly to the Steps and how they help relationships in recovery.