Marital Polarization

Bill and Ann were in for another couples' session this morning. Bill is a recovering cocaine addict with plenty of sexual acting out while using; he has about 5 years of recovery. Ann is a somewhat recovering wife of an addict; she participated in the family program when Bill was in treatment, attended 12 Step programs for a few months, and has been in individual therapy for much of the past year. Despite their participation in recovery and therapy, Bill and Ann remain stuck in an endless cycle of blame and self-justification.

This morning Bill began the session by recounting several episodes during the past few weeks when he felt Ann had been hostile to him. He talked about the ways Ann continues to rebuff him despite his efforts to be a more involved husband and father. Ann responded by saying that once again Bill was blaming her and refusing to acknowledge and take responsibility for doing that. She explained she felt her angry responses to Bill were appropriate because he "always blames me."

Bill and Ann have formed what Tavris and Aronson describe as an "implicit theory" of how the other is wrecking the marriage. Tavris and Aronson describe these theories as "implicit" because most of the time people are not consciously aware they have them and/or don't realize how these beliefs filter and bias their perceptions. For instance, if we experience an interaction with our partner that confirms our implicit belief about what kind of person he or she is, we are certain that we are perceiving things accurately and that we are justified in our view of our partner. But when an interaction does not confirm our belief about who that person is, we feel the discomfort of cognitive dissonance, which we resolve by minimizing, distorting or otherwise explaining away the significance of the interaction.

Tavris and Aronson go on to say that there are 2 ways people use implicit theories to explain their own and other people's behavior. First, we can tell ourselves that the behavior happened because of something in the situation. Second, we can explain behavior as the result of something wrong with the person. When behavior is caused by the situation, there is hope of correction and compromise. But when we believe behavior is caused by who the person is, it is much more difficult to accept and forgive.

Not surprisingly, happy and unhappy couples use these two kinds of implicit theories differently to explain their partner's behavior. In happy relationships, partners tend to see each other's unskillful behavior as a result of the situation; consequently they find it relatively easy to forgive each other. At the same time, they see each other's thoughtful and loving behavior as a reflection of who their partner is and are quick to give each other credit for such behavior.

It is just the opposite with unhappy couples. Bill and Ann are ever ready to declare that when the other does something thoughtless or annoying, it's because of that person's personality flaws (Bill sees Ann as a hostile person, while Ann sees Bill as a blaming person.) But if either one of them does something loving or thoughtful, both Bill and Ann are quick to dismiss it as either a temporary fluke or because the situation demanded it (i.e., if Bill brings Ann flowers after a particularly bitter quarrel, he has done that as a way of appeasing Ann rather than because he wants to let her know he still loves her despite the quarrel.)

Not only do unhappy couples explain the other's unskillful behavior as caused by the person's fundamental personality flaws, but they also are quick to explain their own unskillful behavior as a result of the particular situation. This morning, for instance, Ann explained her hostility to Bill the past few days as coming from being premenstrual. In the past, Bill has explained his unwillingness to get involved in household tasks as the result of growing up in a traditional household where men didn't do that sort of thing.

Bill and Ann are deeply caught in an ongoing pattern of mutual blame and self-justification. Each of them focuses of what the other is doing wrong, while at the same time justifying their own attitudes, preferences, and ways of doing thing. And as each of them stubbornly clings to the belief that the other is wrong, they both become more determined not to budge from their position. In essence, each of them is saying to the other, "I won't change my behavior with you until you admit your character defects and change them." They have created a polarized marriage with no room for empathic and loving acceptance of each other's unskillful behavior.