Reading Mistakes Were Made (but not by me) by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson has helped me understand one of the primary reasons why it is so difficult for couples to change their relationship in recovery. That reason can be found in the theory of "cognitive dissonance," which is backed up by a significant amount of careful research. According to the theory, cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds two "cognitions" (i.e., ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions, etc.) that are contradictory and/or psychologically inconsistent. This experience occurs all the time for alcoholics and addicts who are not yet in recovery---they insist they can control their use yet are faced with repeated loss of control. It also occurs all too frequently for couples in recovery as they strive to deal with the contradiction between being in recovery and all the unhappy feelings they continue to find themselves experiencing.
The dissonance caused by such contradictions creates an unpleasant mental tension, which can range from minor irritation to deep anguish as long as it continues. People are unable to relax and feel comfortable until they have been able to eliminate the mental dissonance or at least reduce it considerably. Self-justification is the most common mental tool used to escape this discomfort. It lies at the heart of the alcoholic/addict's denial---"I got drunk because I was upset." It is also a major threat to relationships in recovery because both partners tend to justify their behavior in a way that allows them to be right while either explicitly or implicitly making their partner wrong.
Cognitive dissonance is most painful to people when some significant part of their beliefs about themselves is threatened. This usually occurs when they have done something that is inconsistent with their image of themselves. If a person has a fairly positive self-concept, believing herself reasonably smart, competent, and moral, she will use self-justification as a way to preserve her positive self-image. But self-justification also operates for people with low self-esteem, except that it moves in the direction of preserving their image of not being very smart, not being competent and/or suffering from some kind of moral failing.
As I was reading Mistakes Were Made, I thought about what an extraordinary tool 12-Step programs are for dealing with cognitive dissonance in a way that minimizes self-justification. Beginning with the first step, we are asked to admit that we are powerless and cannot manage our lives, which flies in the face of seeing ourselves as competent people. Then we are asked to make a searching moral inventory of ourselves and acknowledge our mistakes and character defects. Finally, we are asked in Step 10 to do an revolutionary thing---when we do something wrong, we are promptly to admit our wrong rather than find a way to justify it.
I have kept politics out of this blog, but I find myself wondering what the last six years might have been like if President Bush had become an active member of AA when he decided to stop drinking. Would he have been more willing to recognize and admit mistakes? Would he have avoided the litany of self-justifications for his choices and decisions? Would he have acquired the humility to consider that he might be wrong and those who differ with him might see things more clearly? I believe the likely answer to these questions is yes.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hey nice post. Thought provoking! Funny you should mention that as I looked at it briefly not long ago after speaking to a psychiatrist about it recently.
I think of it as a term to describe denial or delusion. We are experts at fooling ourselves and seeing what we want to see instead of what is in front of us.
"We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them."p152
See I think that's a GREAT description of cognitive dissonance. But that's me.
As for Bush. Don't get me started! Politicians don't know much that's forsure. Politicians and all that, who knows anything these days.
Simple explanation of the way married couples in distress deal with cognitive dissonance. To reduce this tension, as a limiting case they end up in divorce. It is of great value to get educated about this and realize there is CD and then and only then decide how to mitigate and / or reduce it. That is my prescription.
Post a Comment