Loving-Kindness

S and I just spent a 3-day weekend out of town with another couple. We met W and M fifteen years ago when they became our neighbors. Although they subsequently moved more than 300 miles away for almost ten years, we have kept in touch and visited each other several times. They recently moved back to our area, so we decided to celebrate by taking a trip together to the big city for a baseball game. We had a wonderful time.

We always enjoy spending time with W and M because they practice so much loving-kindness in their relationship. Their loving-kindness with each other manifests in so many ways. Every time we got in or out of the car, W would open or close the door for M. On the long drive to and from the big city, M rubbed W's shoulders and upper back in a loving way from time to time without being asked. They often held hands as they walked around the big city. They always spoke respectfully to each other and delighted in teasing each other in a light, loving way. S and I were always comfortable in their presence and never felt embarrassed by their behavior.

It is readily apparent that W and M have fully opened their hearts to each other. They like each other very much and are the best of friends. The kind and loving way they treat each other makes it clear to everyone that wanting the best for each other is a fundamental theme in their relationship. Although neither of them have read anything about Buddhism, they are walking the Buddhist path of loving-kindness in their relationship.

W and M are not a couple in recovery. They are not struggling to overcome years of anger, hurt, and unhappiness caused by addictive behavior. They are not living in fear of relapse nor do they need to repair all the damage created by their out of control behavior. They do not have to overcome a deep distrust of each other because of so many broken promises and commitments. They are not wondering if their marriage will survive.

Like all of us, however, W and M have known serious pain and suffering during their life together. Their home was badly flooded several years ago, and their insurance covered only a small portion of the restoration costs. One of their children has a chronic, life-threatening disease. They have struggled financially at times. W's health has begun to deteriorate since he retired. But the foundation of loving-kindness that supports their marital relationship has helped them weather life's problems with courage and the knowledge that their love will see them through the hard times. Their marriage is a great model for all of us in recovery about what is possible when we bring unconditional friendliness and acceptance, the basis of loving-kindness, to our partners and ourselves.