Anger and Relationships

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
The Big Book of AA, p. 66

For a long time after Giselle died (in the crash of United Airlines #93 on 9/11) I had been angry at God, and at a lot of other things. And then one day it occurred to me that it was anger that had killed her and everyone else who died on that day, and I started to imagine my way backwards in time to where that anger had come from, a crazy-making, evil, righteous anger. And then I started to notice , firsthand, that anger was almost always righteous and crazy-making. All you had to do was turn on the radio talk shows and you could hear that plainly enough, hear the pot being stirred and heated. All you had to do was yell at somebody in traffic, and you could see it in yourself. Anger began to seem wrong to me, almost always wrong, and I began to think it might be my problem, not God's.
A Little Love Story, p. 253


Anger is so destructive in relationships. John Gottman, a marital researcher at the University of Washington, found that one of the things that most distinguishes mutually satisfying marriages from mutually unhappy marriages is the ratio of positive to negative interactions.Surprisingly enough, unhappy marriages are not characterized by an overwhelming amount of anger, since the ratio of positive to negative in these marriages is about one to one.

But Gottman discovered over and over again when he carefully reviewed video tapes of satisfied couples frame by frame that in happy marriages the ratio was always about five positive interactions for every negative one. In other words, anger is so corrosive and destructive of relationships that a couple needs to engage in five positive interchanges for every negative one to overcome the damage done by their anger.

As the quotes from the Big Book and the novel, A Little Love Story, indicate, anger is poisonous and crazy-making. It always increases suffering both for the person who is angry and for the person who is on the receiving end of the anger. When we allow our anger to get out of control, we lose all ability to think clearly and act effectively. It definitely does not encourage our partner to listen carefully to what we are saying and try to help us figure out a solution to whatever we're upset about. As Gottman's research indicates, we will instead have to multiple positive efforts to repair the damage done by our anger.

Gottman also found that all of us get out of control with our anger when we are "emotionally flooded." At that point our pulse rate is much higher than normal, our blood pressure has increased substantially, and the hormones that precipitate our fight or flight response are coursing through our bloodstream. He emphasizes the importance of learning to recognize when we are becoming negatively aroused and taking a timeout before reaching the tipping point of becoming emotionally flooded.

One other piece of Gottman's research about anger in relationships is pertinent. He found a significant difference in the way men and women respond to conflict. On the whole, men are more likely to reach the emotional flooding point in the midst of conflict much faster than women are. He speculates that this is probably the reason that women are the ones who bring up relationship problems 90% of the time and the reason that men tend to be so unwilling to deal with them. So, it is the male in a relationship who is most likely to call for a timeout if an argument heats up, and it is important for his female partner to accept his need for some down time in order for him to self-soothe and calm himself.

On the other hand, women are more likely to reach that emotional flooding point if there is an issue they are upset about and it isn't being talked about. So when men respond to a woman's efforts to discuss a problem with some variation of "I don't want to talk about it," they are planting the seeds for more conflict and more anger. This also means that when a man says he needs a timeout to keep from flooding emotionally and responding with rage, he needs to make a commitment to his partner that he will return as soon as possible to talk about the issue after he has had a chance to get away and soothe his distress.

In order to recognize when it is time to call for a timeout, we have to learn how to become an active observer of ourselves. This brings us back to the concept of mindfulness and the usefulness of meditation in developing that capacity. As we grow in this capacity, we are able to make a choice about noticing our anger, setting it aside, or taking a timeout rather than allowing our anger to define a path we are compelled to follow. The more we can turn away from our anger, the less we will poison our relationships.