Equanimity and Compassion in Relationships

We talked about Step 12 in my step-study home group this morning. Much of the meeting focused on sponsorship and how to be a good sponsor when the person we are sponsoring doesn't stay clean and sober or doesn't follow suggestions. Bonnie, who has several years of sobriety, talked about feeling some regret as a sponsor since none of the people who had asked her to sponsor them had continued working with her. Rita, who has many years of sobriety, talked about gently letting someone go recently who continued to relapse and was unwilling to work the steps--Rita said her life is simply too busy right now to find the time to work with someone who isn't very motivated to stay sober and work the program.

Both Bonnie and Rita emphasized that they tried to view the "failings" of these newcomers from a place of compassion and equanimity. They made an effort not to see themselves as right and the newcomers as wrong. They recognized that the newcomers were simply not ready for whatever reasons to accept and work with them as sponsors.

Dan, who has more than 20 years of recovery, then went on to talk about how he had used sponsorship in the first decade of his recovery as a way to "collect AA trophies." He came to realize that by doing so he was elevating himself to someone who had a "superior" recovery program. As a result he lost sight of the reality that he and the people he sponsored are equals. Now he no longer formally sponsors people, but makes an effort to be open and available to talk as an equal to anyone who seeks him out to talk about their drinking and efforts to quit.

I see all of these people as bringing compassion and equanimity to their work with others. They experience compassion for the suffering the newcomer is experiencing and they see how the newcomers are just like themselves in wanting to be happy and avoid suffering. They understand how the deepest longings and fears of the newcomer are the same longings and fears they still experience no matter how many years of recovery they have.

Compassion and equanimity are essential for the health of all intimate relationships. My own experience in my relationship with S and my work with couples has thoroughly convinced me that it is the nature of close relationships to open old wounds over and over again. And it is not just my wounds; it is my partner's wounds as well. Practicing compassion and equanimity when dealing with these wounds keeps them from festering to the point where they contaminate the entire relationship and destroy it.

I recently read a wonderful article about compassion and equanimity in a Buddhist magazine, Shambhala Sun. In it, the author writes the following:
Everyone, just like me, wishes to have happiness, and everyone, just like me, wishes to avoid suffering. Just like me, everyone wants to be loved, to be safe and healthy, to be comfortable and at ease. And just like me, no one wants to feel afraid or inadequate, no one wants to be sick, lonely, or depressed.
When we are angry and dissatisfied with our partners, remembering how this quote is true for them can help us let go of the belief that our pain and unhappiness is somehow more important than theirs.

Remembering the fundamental humanity we share with our partner allows us to let go of our judgments and self-righteous complaints about their attitude and behavior. Keeping in mind that we and our partners are equals makes it much easier to let go of resentments about what they have or have not done. Bringing a compassionate attitude toward not only their unskillful behavior, but our own unskillful behavior as well, helps restore the love that brought us together in the first place. And expanding that compassionate stance to everyone in the world, everyone, further opens up the spiritual awakening that Step 12 talks about.