Self-Hate and Relationships

When I saw that Ed was coming in this morning, I had to remind myself to sit with him from a place of compassion and equanimity. A recovering Valium addict, he suffers from so much self-doubt and self-hate that I have to remind myself not to fall into agreement with his negative views about himself and his life. Unfortunately it looks like Ed's wife is not having much success in maintaining a positive view about Ed and about their marriage. He reported that she had a "meltdown" recently in which she stormed out of the house saying, "I hate living here!"

It is very difficult to be in an intimate relationship with someone who is full of self-hate. Sometimes it feels as though all the oxygen in the room has been burned up by their self-doubt and self-contempt. This is particularly true when all efforts to be loving and supportive are met with statements about what a loser oneself is and how impossible it is to change one's negative outlook.

I label as self-hate that inner voice that calls us names ("You stupid idiot! How could you be so stupid?"), reminds us of our flaws ("you're not very outgoing, smart, careful, etc., etc."), tells us what others are thinking about us ("they think you're a failure"), instills fear in us ("something bad will happen if you don't finish this in time"), and makes a case against us ("you're never going to be successful because you are too afraid to take risks".) That voice is extraordinarily powerful and tenacious, willing to say anything to maintain its position of control.

This inner critical voice has its origins in the first years of childhood when our sense of who we are is being formed and we are utterly dependent on the care and support of others. It begins when our caretakers and other people important to our survival tell us that we are not living up to their expectations in some way. They may say it directly, "You're a bad girl for saying no." Or we may take it personally and believe we are not meeting their expectations when the people upon whom we depend for our survival seem not to notice or appreciate us. Whatever the actual experiences are, they create a feeling of shame, a feeling that who we are is not OK. The "inner critic" is born and grows stronger each time we listen to the hateful words it directs at us.

There is one thing to know about this voice of self-hate that is most important: IT IS NOT YOU! The best thing to do with that voice is to learn to recognize it, observe it, and NOT identify with it. The more we believe it or argue with it, the more energy we give to its nastiness and ugliness. When we bring our attention back to our breath and simply watch the voice without trying to resist or letting ourselves feel bad, the voice begins to lose its power because it can only gain energy by our participation in its hateful game.

On the other hand, when you hear your partner speaking with that voice about him- or herself, it is helpful to raise some objections. Challenge its unloving treatment of your partner---"It's not OK for you to be so mean to someone I love so much." Tell that voice that you know from firsthand experience that your partner is not the person that voice says he or she is. Learn ways to help your partner disidentify with what that cruel, unloving voice is saying. Most importantly, remember that the voice of self-hate, yours or your partner's, loses its power in the presence of loving-kindness.

Having to be right during an argument with a partner is a sure sign that the voice of self-hate is lurking in the background. Insisting on being right is a way of trying to deflect the inner critic's voice, of avoiding the painful feelings of shame and self-doubt. But demanding that our partner acknowledge we are right and he/she is wrong never works--it only promotes a defensive response by our partner.

Fortunately for those of us in recovery, Step 10 addresses this issue directly when it tells us "when (not if) we (are) wrong, we promptly admit it." Letting go of needing to be right and of projecting our own bad feelings onto our partner is an effective way of de-escalating conflicts. Taking responsibility for our behavior also often has the virtue of leading our partner to think about their part in the issue and admit where they have been unskillful.

It is important, however, not to let Step 10 become a tool for the voice of self-hate to beat us up. Admitting we made a mistake, that we were unskillful in some way, does not mean we are stupid, defective, or bad. It means that we are human, and is a good reminder that we work toward "spiritual progress, not perfection."