Grievance and Letting Go

Gary and Patti have been married for more than 25 years. Gary is a recovering pothead and sex addict, active in 12-Step programs, and "sober" almost 3 years. Patti, who attended "family week" when Gary was in an in-patient program for his addictions 3 years ago, does not participate in any 12-Step programs because "those people are crazy and I'm not."

Gary and Patti came to see me to "help our marriage." Although Gary has "worked the steps," made several inventories and followed them up with several amends to her, Patti remains angry and distant in the marriage. She cannot forgive Gary for his years of infidelity and says she still doesn't trust that he won't "cheat on me again."

Gary alternates between sadly asking Patti to be "nice to me" and angrily defending himself, "I've done everything I'm supposed to (in recovery) and she still won't let me in." He says he is struggling not to develop and hold on to a resentment about Patti's continuing distrust and unwillingness to be close to him. He stays in the marriage because he still loves Patti and because he doesn't want to be part of a failed marriage.

This morning I worked mostly with Patti about her grievance with Gary. Gary's sexual acting out and emotional unavailability when he was stoned left Patti feeling mistreated and very unloved. Not surprisingly, she found it easy to blame Gary, making him the Bad Other, while seeing herself as the injured party who has good reason to hold on to her righteous grievance against him. But despite her anger and mistrust, she also does not want to end the marriage.

We began by exploring some of Patti's bodily experience of her anger and mistrust. She said she felt it in her gut as a tightness and dull pain. As she focused on these sensations, she talked about how she didn't feel safe letting herself be open and vulnerable with Gary. During the years when he was sexually acting out, she had confronted him several times about his behavior and he had promised he would be faithful. Although Gary was quite sincere at the time he made these promises, neither he nor Patti recognized the addictive nature of his affairs. Consequently, he kept his promises for only a year or two at most before he was acting out again. The pain in her gut has been a constant reminder not to let her guard down and trust that Gary really has changed.

When we began to talk about why she remains in the marriage if she doesn't believe she will ever be able to trust in Gary's fidelity, her bodily attention shifted to sensations in her chest (her heart chakra), and she began to cry. She said the tears were about her strong belief about being a responsible person and keeping her commitments. She would see herself as an irresponsible quitter if she decided to end the marriage. And so she is stuck in her angry grievance---she can't let herself trust Gary and be emotionally open with him nor can she leave him.

At this point, I told Patti a story my brother told me many years ago. He and his two teenage children went rafting one summer day. They failed to line up properly for one of the river's major rapids, and the raft flipped, throwing the children toward the shore where they were able to grab on to a fallen tree. But my brother was caught in a serious whirlpool at the bottom of the rapids, which was trying to pull him under. He swam as hard as he could; but just as he was about to get free, the whirlpool caught him and started pulling him under once again. He repeated the same process with the same result.

My brother began trying to swim out of the whirlpool for a third time. By this time, however, he was exhausted and his body was becoming hypothermic. When he tried to swim, he discovered he could not. At that point, he said, he gave up and realized he was going to drown. But when he stopped struggling and relaxed, the river kicked him free and he was able to make it to shore where his kids had been watching in horror.

I try to remember this story whenever I get locked in a struggle, either with someone else or with conflicting internal feelings and/or beliefs. In the recovery community, this process is called "Letting go and letting God." In the Buddhist community, this is described as being open and mindful to your experience, letting it happen, so that, in John Welwood's words, it will release its knots and unfold, leading to a deeper, more grounded experience of yourself.

As long as Patti stays focused on her grievance with Gary, she is unable to release the knots of hurt, disappointment, fear, and anger. If she can let the grievance go and experience whatever feelings come up, she will discover a deeper wisdom (her Higher Power, her Buddha nature, her Big Mind) that will guide in her decision about whether to let herself be fully present in the marriage or to allow the marriage to end. Whichever decision this deeper wisdom makes clear, Patti will then be able to trust that she is making the right decision.