Step Five, Part Two---Sober Speech

Sober speech is mindful speech--embodying both truth and usefulness and expressed in a way and at a time that it can be heard. This last point necessarily involves whether to speak, as well as when and how. In many instances, wise speech/sober speech requires no speech at all. When our words would be untrue or frivolous or harmful, we are better not to speak.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path

After doing my Fifth Step with my sponsor, I shared what I had written with S. Since nearly all of my inventory applied to the years before I met S, when I was still drinking and using, it was a useful thing to do for our relationship. It gave S a clear picture of the person I had been before recovery and it strengthened the intimate connection between us. Although there were parts of my inventory that she hadn't known before, none of those parts related to our relationship.

Several years later, S and I were invited to conduct a weekend workshop for recovering professionals and their partners. Some of them had less than six months recovery, while others had been clean and sober for 20 years or more. S and I decided to talk about how couples could use the 12 Steps as a way of helping their recovery as a couple.

When we came to the Fifth Step, I related my story about sharing my Fourth Step inventory with S. A distinct chill enveloped the room, and we could almost hear a collective gasp when we suggested to these couples that they might do something like that. Clearly that was a very frightening prospect, particularly for the people in the room who had less than a year of recovery.

We realized at that moment that it was one thing for me to share the fruits of my inventory with S because virtually none of it pertained to our years together, but it was a much different story for couples who had been together during all the years of active alcoholism and addiction. For those couples, there were bound to be things they had done that were detrimental to the relationship which they had kept secret from their partners. Confiding the results of a searching and fearless individual moral inventory could easily blow the relationship out of the water.

And yet, as indicated in my previous post, keeping secrets seriously interferes with trust and intimacy in the relationship. As long as we refrain from telling our partner all the harmful, unskilled things we did before recovery, we are left with that fear of discovery and the weight of self-hatred Kevin Griffin mentioned. We are unlikely to allow ourselves to be fully open and vulnerable in the relationship. Our partners will be unable to trust us completely.

So what to do? Laura S in the quote at the beginning of this post provides some guidelines for Fifth Step work with a partner. First, painful information should be shared in a way that it can be heard. This means taking full responsibility for our behavior without justifying it or blaming it on someone or something else. It also means telling it in a clear and succinct manner---there is no need for elaborate stories or explanations.

Second, timing is all. Until both partners have established a solid foundation of recovery, talking about behavior harmful to the partner and/or the relationship is usually going to make things worse. Good timing also applies to finding a time when there are no serious distractions and there is as much time available as necessary.

Finally, there is the issue of harm. Certainly revealing something completely unsuspected by your partner is likely to be harmful both to your partner and to the relationship. But this is a tricky one because we alcoholics and addicts have repeatedly found that others have known or suspected things we have done which we believed were entirely secret. We need to examine whether our unwillingness to be forthright because of the "harm" it might cause our partner is really just an excuse to avoid our partner's anger and unhappiness with our behavior.

Nonetheless, we must pay attention to traumatizing or re-traumatizing our partner by our revelations. Hearing about infidelity is almost always traumatic for a partner. This is true even when a partner knows the infidelity has happened. It is important to keep in mind that hearing intimate details about the where, when, and what of sexual acting out are particularly upsetting; so unless a partner is adamant that she or he needs to know such information in order to "deal with it", there is no need to go into such detail during a Fifth Step with a partner.

Based on my personal and professional experience, relationships are more frequently harmed by secrecy than by revelations. Probably the most useful thing to do in deciding whether admitting something will truly be harmful to a partner and/or the relationship is to consult with someone in the program who seems to have a healthy, satisfying relationship in recovery.

Last of all, I suggested in an earlier post that it is helpful for couples to do an inventory of their relationship as well as individual inventories. It's hard to imagine there could be anything in such an inventory that is unknown and potentially harmful to one of the partners. So sober speech in this kind of inventory means avoiding the use of words that are untrue or frivolous.

Step Five,. Part One--Secrets

Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not to be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us.
Yet if AA's experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

I felt a huge weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Ron and Cynthia were in for their last session with me a few days ago. They were so happy and delighted with their marriage and each other. They looked forward to a marriage based on trust and openness. Although they have been married nearly 30 years, they seemed more like newlyweds.

The state of their marriage wasn't nearly so positive six months ago. Ron, a recovering alcoholic and sex addict with several years of recovery, had held back the fact that he had been with another woman on the eve of their 25th anniversary. Although he had told Cynthia about this woman and other women as well when he was sharing his Fifth Step with her, he hadn't told Cynthia about this occasion because he felt so guilty about it and because he thought it would be "too hurtful" to Cynthia to learn where he had been the day before they left for a "honeymoon" trip to Hawaii to celebrate their anniversary.

Cynthia had suspected that Ron was holding something back. She pressed him about where he had been that night. Ron had insisted he was working late to get everything finished up before they left the next day. But Cynthia's gut told her that Ron wasn't being truthful, so she kept asking him to tell her where he had really been that night. Ron finally capitulated and told Cynthia the truth.

His holding back nearly destroyed the marriage. Cynthia, who had struggled to regain her emotional center and her trust in Ron after learning about his multiple affairs during his years of drinking, was devastated. She had known about Ron's sexual involvement with this woman, so it wasn't that information that was so upsetting to her. Instead it was the fact that Ron had continued to lie to her even after he supposedly had"come clean" when he shared his Fifth Step with her. She was in despair that she would ever be able to trust Ron to be completely open and honest with her.

To his credit, Ron did not try to defend himself and took full responsibility for holding back. He was able to acknowledge how much more hurtful to Cynthia it had been for him to lie about this incident rather than todisclose it to her. He accepted the fact that he was going to have to work hard to win back Cynthia's trust, that he was going to have to be rigorously honest in all his communication with her even if she might be angry or hurt by something he told her.

We spent many sessions during the past six months "processing" this incident. Gradually Cynthia came to believe that this really was Ron's last holdout, that he understood and empathized with how devastating it had been to her, and that he was committed to practicing the principle of rigorous honesty in their marriage. And
Ron saw his huge weight of self-hatred and fear of discovery lift and be replaced with a much deeper, more satisfying experience of intimate connection with Cynthia. They left their last session knowing that although there would be difficulties from time to time in their marriage, they could deal with those difficulties because there would be no secrets getting in the way of their resolution.

Step Four, Part Three---Ego Deflation and Seeking Help

Over the years I have heard many people in 12-Step meetings talk about being stuck when they get to the Fourth Step. A majority of these folks are people who haven't found a sponsor or haven't found a sponsor with whom they feel comfortable and OK about being vulnerable. And being vulnerable is what the Fourth Step is all about.
As Kevin Griffin puts it in One Breath at a Time--
Delving into the past--the sordid past--and exploring all the ways that we have caused others and ourselves pain is devastating to the ego. Most of us find it possible to do this Step only with the help of a sponsor or other spiritual advisor and only after firmly committing ourselves to our spiritual growth (Step Three).

This is just as true for couples in recovery as it is for individuals. Trying to do an inventory of your behavior in your relationship and of the relationship itself brings up all kinds of difficult, painful feelings. It is asking too much of yourself and your partner to do this without help from a knowledgeable, sympathetic third party. This is especially true if, as is frequently the case, you haven't made the decision to work the Steps on your relationship until it is in full-blown crisis (usually when you or your partner has announced a desire to end it.)

There are two good sources of help, one in the Program and one outside it. The source of help in the Program can be found by listening to the people in meetings who have at least 4 or 5 years of recovery and seem to be fairly happy in their close relationships. Although they acknowledge problems from time to time, since no relationship is ever perfect, they usually refer to their partner in a positive manner and refer to their relationship as a significant part of their recovery. These are the people who can advise and support you when you undertake a Fourth Step about your relationship.

Just as it isn't helpful to choose someone for a sponsor who has little time in recovery or has a history of repeated relapses, so it is not helpful to choose someone who is not in a committed relationship or who frequently complains about how impossible their partner is. Someone who has just separated or divorced is not likely to be a source of positive suggestions about how to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of your relationship and to take responsibility for your part in the relationship's problems. And someone who makes negative comments about members of other 12-Step programs (e.g.,, "she's an Ala-non, you know", said with a voice of contempt) or about "all" members of one gender (e.g., "men are so dumb") is not going to be someone who is going to guide you through the process of doing an inventory of your relationship in an evenhanded manner.

The other source of help in doing a relationship inventory is a professionally-trained marriage and family therapist/counselor. Most good marriage and family therapists see relationships from a systems point of view, which means they look at the big picture and do not assign blame primarily to one partner or the other for whatever problems the relationship has. Unfortunately, most marriage and family therapists do not know a great deal about addiction and recovery unless they have had personal experience with it. So it is helpful and legitimate to inquire of any professional whose help you seek how much they know about addiction and recovery and what is the level of experience they have had in working with people in recovery.

Finally, finding appropriate help with the Fourth Step sometimes means giving up your own efforts when you seem to keep hitting a dead end and trusting that your Higher Power will reveal the appropriate person when you are ready. Or as is often said in Zen Buddhist circles, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."

Step Four, Part Two---Taking Responsibility

We also clutch at another wonderful excuse for avoiding an inventory. Our present anxieties and troubles, we cry, are caused by the behavior of other people--people who really need a moral inventory. We firmly believe that if only they'd treat us better, we'd be all right. Therefore we think our indignation is justified and reasonable--that our resentments are the "right kind." We aren't the guilty ones. They are!
12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 45-46

I talked to an old client last evening whom I hadn't seen in more than a year since she and her husband ended their marital counseling with me. Jane and John had begun seeing me because John was so dissatisfied with Jane. He wanted to live in the city, but couldn't afford it because their income didn't qualify them for the rapidly increasing price of housing in the trendy areas of town---he was unhappy that Jane, who was struggling with significant health problems, didn't make enough money. He complained that Jane no longer kept their home as clean and tidy as she had before her health problems developed. As far as he was concerned, the marriage would be just fine if Jane would deal with "her issues."

John acknowledged that he "sometimes" drank too much and behaved badly when he did, but blamed these incidents on his unhappiness with Jane. He also admitted that he was unhappy with his job and seemed to have advanced as far up the corporate ladder as he was going to, but was not willing to find another job and give up his stock options even though they had been "under water" for a long time.

Despite John's unwillingness to take responsibility for his part of the marital problems, the marriage improved enough as Jane's health and energy returned for them to decide they no longer needed to continue marital counseling. In the phone call yesterday, Jane told me she had fully regained her health, her business had prospered, and she and John had purchased a lovely new townhouse in the trendiest area of the city. But she was calling to tell me that she and John had separated because John was saying he "needed some space."

Jane tried to persuade John to return to marital counseling with me, but he refused saying he felt I had "taken Jane's side" during our work together. If he consented to do any marital counseling, it would have to be with someone who didn't want to talk about his drinking and the effect it had on him and the marriage. As far as he is concerned, it is still Jane's "issues" that are the cause of his unhappiness and the reason for the separation.

Over and over again, I find that the couples who come to see me and who make real progress are the ones in which both partners take responsibility for difficulties in the relationship. Conversely, when one or both partners keep focusing on what their partner is doing and how their partner needs to deal with his/her "issues," there is never any genuine, lasting improvement in the relationship. Either there is a temporary improvement because the circumstances in one partner's life change, as was the case with John and Jane, or the couple decides that counseling isn't working and it's time to quit.

One of the major reasons that I so strongly support both partners being involved in 12-Step programs in recovery is the program's insistence that we take our own inventory and accept responsibility for our own unskillful actions and attitudes while refraining from taking our partner's inventory. Just as willingness to take responsibility for our own behavior is the key to our sobriety, so also is it the key to a happy relationship. When both partners can move away from the stance that "I am not the guilty one; he/she is!", then they really can undo the wreckage of the past and move on to a much more satisfying relationship.

Fourth Step, Part One---Inventories

Steps Four thru Ten are commonly called the "action steps" because they ask us to be active in making an effort to deal with the wreckage created by our addictions. Although they focus on individual behavior and actions, I believe they lend themselves quite well to dealing with the damage to our closest relationships caused by addictive drinking, drugging, or other compulsive behaviors. They provide us with several good tools for healing the hurt that exists in every relationship affected by addiction.

Step Four is about taking an individual inventory, but there is no reason that a couple in recovery cannot make two kinds of inventories---one about how their individual behaviors have impacted the relationship and another one about the relationship itself. The Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous provides some excellent suggestions for both kinds of inventories.

In looking at their individual contributions to problems in the relationship, the Blue Book says, we both bring family-of-origin messages, abuse experiences, expectations, abilities, and individual coping mechanisms (including addictions) into the coupleship. We must take responsibility for that. The book goes on to suggest that couples might want to consider the following issues when making their individual relationship inventories:
Unfinished business with partner and the resentments that has created
Ways of looking for things to go wrong
Failure to take responsibility for mistakes or issues
Failure to share uncomfortable feelings
Ways of placating partner, not sharing true perceptions
Failure to communicate personal wants or needs
Use of shaming and blaming
Unwillingness to make clear choices and decisions
In addition, I suggest using the chapter on Step Four in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to consider how "instincts run wild" have also contributed to the multitude of problems in the relationship.

The RCA Blue Book also suggests that it is helpful for partners to take an inventory of their relationship itself. They suggest answering the following questions:
1. In what ways have we let fears or resentments interfere with our coupleship?
2. In what ways have we fought that never accomplish anything?
3. In what ways have we neglected our relationship?
4. In what ways have we avoided being close?
5. In what ways have we pretended problems didn't exist?
6. In what ways have we isolated ourselves?
7. In what ways have we tolerated abuse of ourselves and our families?
8. What have been our losses?
9. What are our strengths as a couple?
10. What have we liked about our relationship?
11. What good things have we had?
12. In what ways have we grieved as a couple?
13. In what ways have we treasured each other and the coupleship?

Taking an inventory of the relationship itself helps us see that it is an entity separate from our individual identities. It helps us remember to think about whether our individual choices and decisions are supportive or disruptive of our closest relationships. And looking at the strengths as well as the weaknesses of our relationships helps us get through the many hard times of early recovery when we can easily convince ourselves that our relationship is doomed to failure and dissolution.

There is another type of inventory that several recovering alcoholic/addicts who are also active Buddhists have suggested. This is an inventory based of the Buddha's description of the 5 hindrances to freedom from suffering: desire, aversion, sloth and torpor, restlessness and worry, and doubt. The first two hindrances, desire and aversion, are especially pertinent to a relationship inventory. Desire is oriented toward wanting something, especially something else; and leads to dissatisfaction not only when we fail to get it, but also when we do get it because the satisfaction is so short-lived. And aversion, the quality of pushing away or resisting, is a hindrance that shows up over and over in addicted relationships, often in the forms of anger and resentment or contempt and blame. Thinking about how these 5 hindrances operate in your close relationships is a useful way of realizing what must be done to heal the pain.

Finally, just as 12-Step programs emphasize the importance of making a written inventory, so, too, it is important to write down these relationship inventories. Not only is this essential when it comes time to move on to Step Five, but it can also serve as a reference point for seeing how the relationship changes over the months and years of recovery. Although they require a lot of time and effort, they create a solid foundation for assessing strengths and weaknesses in the relationship and pointing the way to what needs to be done.

Step Three, Part Three--Our will and our lives/willingness

It has been almost a year since I saw Bill and Jeanne. They came to me for couples counseling about 30 days after Bill had completed a 30-day residential treatment program. Bill was the one who initiated the contact because he urgently wanted to save his marriage. During our initial phone call, he indicated that Jeanne was fairly reluctant to come in, but was willing to give it a try.

From the outset it was clear that Jeanne had burned out on the marriage and felt quite distant from Bill. Bill, who was a powerful man with a good deal of career success at a fairly young age, kept trying, in the words of the 12x12, to "bombard the problems" of his marriage, insisting that Jeanne open up, make herself emotionally vulnerable, and work on their marital problems. Jeanne, who visibly flinched whenever Bill came on strong, kept talking about her doubts and her need for space in order to figure out whether she even wanted to be in the marriage.

After a couple of sessions, Jeanne said she was willing to keep coming back for more couples sessions, but she wasn't willing to make any longterm commitment to the marriage. Her unwillingness to make that kind of commitment spurred Bill on to try even harder to make the marriage work singlehandedly. He wasn't ready to bring his willpower "into agreement with God's intention for (him and Jeanne.)"

After about 4 months of weekly counseling appointments, Jeanne said she just didn't have any more willingness to continue. She couldn't give Bill the reassurances about their future that he seemed so desperately to need and she couldn't stand the fights they had almost every week about the issue. Even though she had wanted to wait a year before making a decision to stay or go and even though she was fearful of how their two young daughters would be affected by her decision to seek a divorce, she felt she had been pushed too hard to make a longterm commitment to the marriage before she felt ready to do so. Instead, she had come to the conclusion that it was necessary for her to end the marriage.

I generally try to discourage couples from seeking counseling to work on "their issues" during the first 6-9 months of recovery. Engaging in individual recovery by going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps takes a great deal of time and energy. Trying to deal with the emotional turmoil created by addressing the multitude of relationship problems during these early weeks and months of sobriety and recovery is usually counterproductive. Either it pushes one or the other partner to make an early decision to end the relationship or it pushes the alcoholic/addict into relapse--sometimes both events occur.

"Turning our will and our lives over to the care of God" means turning over your relationship to your Higher Power's care during the early days of recovery. Being willing to entrust your relationship to the care of your Higher Power frees you up to focus your energy on the primary task at hand--establishing a strong foundation of recovery. When that foundation has been securely established, then it will be time to ask for the willingness to tackle the often painful task of healing a relationship severely damaged by addiction.

Step Three, Part Two---Turning It Over

We made a decision to turn our wills and our life together over to the care of God as we understood God. Step Three, Recovering Couples Anonymous

For recovering alcoholics and addicts, Step Three completes the process of surrendering a life controlled by an addicted ego to a life guided by a power greater than the obsessed mind of addiction. The alcoholic-addict recognizes that his or her efforts to be self-sufficient have been disastrous. As Bill Wilson says in the chapter on Step Three in 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, The philosophy of self-sufficiency is not paying off. Plainly enough, it is a bone-crushing juggernaut whose final achievement is ruin.

It's not only the individual alcoholic/addict who tries to be totally independent. Families, too, live increasingly in isolation as they struggle to keep the disease of addiction hidden from others. The family tends to move to one of two extremes---either family members draw a tight shield around themselves so that no is allowed to develop a close relationship with anyone outside the family, or the family has virtually no boundary with everyone going his or her separate way.

Couples tend to become increasingly separated from each other as well. By the time the alcoholic or addict admits being addicted and makes a commitment to sobriety and recovery, most couples are pretty distant from each other emotionally. As the Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous says, Trust is a major issue for many of us. That is putting it mildly. For most of the couples I have seen who are in the first few months of recovery and have moved beyond the "pink cloud" stage, the lack of trust in each other is as deep as the Grand Canyon.There is simply no way they could allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with each other or to depend on genuine compassion and understanding from each other.

But when a couple in recovery makes the decision to turn their relationship over to the care of a power greater than themselves, they start to find they can increasingly let go of their struggles over power and control. By following a guiding principle of one of my sponsors, "We are responsible for the effort; we are not responsible for the result," partners find it much easier to let go of trying to manage and control each other. As a result, couples begin to find they are fighting less and enjoying each other more. They also find, when using prayer and meditation to deal with their difficulties, that solutions often jump into our minds (RCA Blue Book.)

Just as Step Three is a vital prerequisite for individuals to go on to Steps 4-10, the action steps, so also is Step Three an essential prerequisite for couples to go on to do the necessary work for solving the many problems created by years of addiction. By turning over their relationship to a spiritual Higher Power, however they might define that power, couples create the basis for developing the kind of trust in each other that is needed for such work. As it says in the "promises" of the Big Book, We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Step Three, Part One---Made a Decision/Commitment

When we "make a decision" we are committing ourselves to our spiritual life, committing to placing that at the center of our lives, as the guiding principle.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Just as sobriety is so much easier to attain and sustain when our spiritual life is the guiding principle of our recovery (there are, in fact, people who get sober and stay sober without a spiritual program; but the majority of them remain pretty uptight people), so developing a happy and healthy relationship in recovery is much more easily done when a couple places their spiritual life at the center of their relationship. This was certainly true for S and I. During our first few years together, we spent many hours talking to each other about our spiritual experiences, reading to each other from the spiritual books that had shaped us, and putting our spiritual beliefs into action together. About 15 years ago, we made a decision to pray together each night just before going to sleep. This past year we made a commitment to meditate together each morning before breakfast. Our relationship would be much less satisfying for both of us if it did not rest on a strong spiritual foundation.


Despite my own experience with the power of putting our spiritual life at the center of our relationship, I have been reluctant to strongly encourage my clients to do this. I'm not sure why that is true. Maybe it has something to do with my strong distaste for any kind of spiritual proselytizing, which in turn has something to do with the damage done to my spiritual self by my childhood church experiences. I do know that for many people, particularly alcoholics and addicts, their nascent spiritual life can be harmed if it is perceived as being treated roughly. There is good reason for the phrase as we understood Him to appear both times God is mentioned in the 12 Steps. Maybe someone out there has an idea or two about how I might encourage couples to put their spiritual life at the center of their relationship without coming off as someone who is "pushing religion" or being harmful in some other way.

In his chapter on Step 3, Kevin Griffin goes on to say the following: In Buddhism, the "decision" to commit ourselves to our spiritual growth is called Right Intention. This means "making a decision" to try to live a life based on the principles of compassion, awareness, and openness. These are excellent principles for any couple in recovery to live by. Compassion for your partner when he or she is in a negative frame of mind, awareness of your partner when he or she is struggling with some problem, and openness to being influenced by your partner are essential elements for a mutually satisfying relationship. The more we can live by these principles in our closest relationships, the more "sober", balanced, and delightful they will be.

Step Two, Part Three---Restored to Sanity

B, a recovering cocaine and sex addict, came in last week to talk about empathy. He said that his wife, C, repeatedly complains about his lack of empathy for the pain she felt because of his many infidelities during the years of his sexual acting out. B, who has several years of recovery, did an 8th and 9th Step amends process during his first year of recovery. During the session he acknowledged the truth of C's complaint about his lack of empathy; but then in almost the same breath made the plaintive cry,"What does she want from me! I already made my amends. Why can't we move on and let it go?"

I have heard in counseling sessions and in 12-Step meetings almost those exact same words from many people over the years. The alcoholic/addict so much wants the 9th Step amends process to put an end to their partner's unhappiness. He or she seems to be unable to understand why their partner continues "to live in the past" and seems unwilling "to get over it." The difference between the addict/alcoholic's wish to let go of the past as quickly as possible and a partner's need for time to work through that past is at the heart of many of the difficulties couples experience in recovery.

As B and I talked, I pointed out that he has stayed married to C for more than 20 years despite all the "opportunities" he had to leave her for one of the women with whom he had an affair.I said that his relationship with C must have been important to him during all those years of using and acting out. He replied, "Of course it was (and is)--I love C. I never loved those other women." I suggested that C is struggling to understand how and why he could do what he did if he loved her and she was important to him.

That's when we began talking about the insanity of addiction and how we do such harmful, painful things, both to ourselves and to the people we love. A relationship involving an addicted partner is repeatedly touched by insanity---broken promises, lying, denial, infidelities, financial difficulties, physical and/or verbal abuse, abandonment, suicide attempts. The list of insane behavior that occurs during active addiction is nearly endless.

Step Two says there is a power greater than either partner which can restore the relationship to sanity. Step Two asks each partner to come to believe that this power will help heal the relationship if they are both willing to let go of trying to control the other. Developing faith in such a power is vital for a couple as they struggle through all the difficulties that arise during the early months and years of recovery. Having that faith sustains couples who have been in recovery a long time when new difficulties occur as they inevitably will.

B then went on to talk about how much guilt he feels whenever C brings up his past behavior and how bad he feels about himself. He either reacts in an angry, defensive manner or begs for forgiveness. What he most wants at that point is for C to stop talking so he won't have to feel such unpleasant feelings. He does not find himself responding in an empathic way, acknowledging the reality of C's pain and the truth of his responsibility for causing the pain.

Near the end of our session, B recognized that he never initiated conversations with C about what had happened and how painful and destructive it had been for their relationship. He decided that he would give that a try and see how C responded. I supported his decision, and urged him to keep at it even if C, as is likely, does not have an enthusiastic, positive response at first. It will take some time for her to trust that he really does understand how painful his addiction has been for her and that he truly "gets it."

Step Two, Part Two---A Power Greater Than Ourselves

From the draft version on Step Two in the Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous:
Many of us made our partners our Higher Power. They had the power to regulate our feelings.

That is so true for couples in recovery; in fact, it is true for all couples whose relationship is not going well. John Gottman, the leading authority on couple interactions based on more than 20 years of close observation, has identified four behaviors that are virtually guaranteed to evoke a strong negative emotional reaction from a partner. Naming them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Gottman discovered that criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stone-walling are universal warning signs of a relationship in trouble.

We are critical of our partners when we label them ("you are such a baby!"), use the phrases "always" or "never" ("you're always late"), and/or attack our partner's character or personality in a negative, blaming way ("you're just a nagging wife like your mom was!"). When we criticize our partner, we are saying something negative about the kind of person he or she is. Almost everyone on the receiving end of criticism feels bad and usually reacts with anger or defensive self-justification.

Although defensiveness is our usual response in the face of criticism, it doesn't help because it almost always escalates the conflict. Whether defensiveness takes the form of denying responsibility, making excuses, countering with a criticism of our own, whining, or the many other ways it can be expressed, it indicates that we see ourselves as a victim. And when we see ourselves as a victim, we have made our partner into a punitive Higher Power. That usually goads our partner into becoming even more critical or upping the ante by becoming contemptuous.

Gottman describes contempt as the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. When we are contemptuous of a partner we are sneering at him or her, both verbally and physically. We are filled with negative feelings and thoughts about our partner and have lost sight of any of the positive qualities that we once admired in our partner. We view our partner with disgust and see him or her as stupid, a fool, an asshole. In doing so, we have given our partner the power to fill us with hatred. When we are contemptuous, we have lost our way on our spiritual path. And our relationship is headed for the trashcan.

The most common response to contempt is stone-walling. The person on the receiving end of a contemptuous tirade simply stops listening and metaphorically becomes a stone-wall, impervious to whatever is said. The nonverbal, hostile, icy distance (as well as the angry storming out and slamming the door) speaks volumes to a partner---you don't matter to me and I'm not listening to anything you have to say. Stone-walling means we have given our partner the power to completely shut us down, leaving us mute until we either erupt in abusive rage or race out of the room. Relationships filled with contempt and stone-walling are usually not long for this world unless neither partner is willing to take the responsibility for ending it, in which case they both have effectively made the decision to live in an unhappy, loveless relationship for the rest of their lives.

The Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous goes on to say in regards to Step Two:
When we were in good spiritual places with our Higher Power, our partners' actions didn't bother us nearly as much.

Being in a good spiritual place leads to being less reactive to a partner's behavior, and being less reactive creates the opportunity for a more positive cycle of interaction to develop and grow. When both partners are involved in 12-Step programs, they learn about "Letting go and letting God." They understand that "practicing these principles in all our affairs" applies to their relationship with each other. As a result, over time they are able to let go of the critical, contemptuous, and defensive behaviors that characterized their relationship when addiction was still active. And as the criticism, defensiveness, and contempt subside, stone-walling disappears as well because the powerful physiological "fight or flight" response is no longer operating. When that happens the relationship is truly on the road to recovery.

Step Two, Part One---"Came to believe"/Faith

In his wonderful book about a Buddhist approach to AA, Kevin Griffin says,
Alcoholism is a disease of faith. Alcoholics often develop a cynical attitude
toward life, not seeing anything to believe in. When you persistently feel
the need to change your consciousness through drugs or booze, you are
expressing a lack of trust in life itself.

That was certainly true of me when I was drinking and getting stoned. I didn't trust myself nor did I trust anyone else. Not a good attitude to have if you want to be in a loving relationship. And I was not. In fact, during my last couple of years of using, I had decided I would be single the rest of my life because relationships were "impossible."

As I have indicated in earlier posts, meeting S changed a lot of things in my life. Talking to her moved me out of denial and into a recognition of my addiction. It also convinced me that maybe a close relationship in my life might be possible after all. And more than 20 years later, I have definitely come to believe in that possibility.

One of the hardest things for me to come to believe about being in a close relationship was the possibility of win-win instead of the old zero-sum attitude of winner and loser. A long time ago a couple, whose name I can't recall, wrote a book about relationships entitled Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You? Before I met S, there was no question in my mind that the answer was "yes."

But during the first decade of our relationship I came to believe that it is possible for both of us to "win" even when we want quite different things. I learned this through an experience that required a lot of faith in that possibility because it took 5 years for us to find a solution to the problem created by our different wants about a particular issue.

I spent the first 3 years of my life living along the Pacific Ocean. As a result, I had always been drawn to spend time "at the beach" (as we say in this part of the world), especially during the winter when the huge storms made it a very dramatic place to be. So it wasn't long after S and I began living together that I began talking about finding a home at the beach. S, who loves going to the beach for a weekend anytime, and a week in September when the weather is magnificent, had no desire to live there full-time.

So we talked about the issue. And talked and talked. We spent many weekends at a friend's place at the beach, using our time there to look around and see if there was a suitable house we could afford as a second home (there wasn't.) The more time we spent at our friend's home, the more urgent was my desire to move to the beach. And S was just as clear that she didn't want to leave family and friends to move to a place where she would feel isolated.

Since so many other things had worked out well in our relationship, we had faith that we would find a solution to this dilemma if we remained patient and didn't force a decision that would leave one of us feeling we had won and the other feeling they had lost. Finally, after five years of dealing with these conflicting desires, a solution appeared when my father died and left us a larger inheritance that we had anticipated. S suggested that I cut back my practice to half-time and use part of the money to finance spending 3 days a week at the beach for four months during the upcoming winter.

I found a lovely small home just a few yards from the beach whose owner was happy to have someone rent 3 days during the week in the winter when renters were scarce. The 4 months were even better than I had anticipated, but when they ended I realized that my desire to live at the beach was finished. There had been some kind of healing going on below the level of my conscious awareness, and I no longer "needed" to live at the beach.

This experience taught me the importance of having faith in being able to find solutions for problems in relationships that both preserve the health of the relationship and the satisfaction of both partners. Given all the problems there are in relationships in recovery, it is vital for couples in such relationships to come to believe there is an inherent and potent power in their relationship which will restore it and them to sanity. Such faith will sustain partners in early recovery when their focus is on their individual recovery programs, as it should be, and it will sustain partners in later recovery when they are ready to begin tackling the many difficult problems created by their behavior during the years of active addiction.

Step One, Part Four---Powerless, Not Helpless

The First Step in Recovering Couples Anonymous says, We admitted we were powerless over our relationship--that our lives together had become unmanageable. I'm not comfortable with that wording. While I certainly believe we are powerless to control and manage our partners and we are powerless to be in charge of our close relationships unilaterally, I don't believe that together we are powerless over our relationship. All of my more than 20 years of working with couples as well as my own experience of being married more than 20 years have convinced me that couples who work together have a great deal of power to shape their relationship.

Of course, none of the 12-Step programs equate being powerless with being helpless. If that were true, then the program would not contain the action steps 4-10. There is obviously a good deal of action we must take in recovery in order to maintain our sobriety and grow along both emotional and spiritual lines. The same is true about our relationships---if we wish to improve our unhappy relationships (and virtually all relationships impacted by alcoholism and drug addiction are unhappy), we are going to have to undertake considerable action together.

There are aspects of a relationship where we are powerless. We are powerless, for example, about being able to guarantee the outcome of our efforts. We are also powerless to change the pervasive reality of impermanence, the fact that everything, including our relationship, is subject to change and loss. And, finally, we are powerless to get people to be exactly the way we wish them to be.

Yes, it takes a lot of effort, often a great deal of effort, to transform relationships in recovery into happy, healthy ones. Yes, it often seems impossible to make that change at first--but so, too, does individual sobriety and recovery. And yes, it usually takes at least several years before we begin to see the changes we had hoped to see. But we are not helpless about being able to grow and change using the tools provided by 12-Step programs and the people in them, about turning for help to people knowledgeable about relationships, and about seeking wise spiritual guidance in our efforts.

Now some relationships are beyond repair by the time a couple gets into recovery. There has simply been too much damage to the bond between them for these couples to restore their relationship to sanity. Such relationships will not become happy ones because one or both partners just don't have the willingness and energy necessary to make the required changes. Usually, relationships in this condition will come to an end during the first year or two of recovery, although I certainly have known such relationships to go on for years and years, making both partners miserable---I don't recommend this route.

But remembering that falling off the pink cloud is a normal part of the recovery process, we mustn't immediately give up hope on our relationship as soon as some the old pre-sobriety behaviors and interactions start showing up. It is essential to put enough time and energy into individual recovery to establish a solid foundation before making a decision about whether a relationship can be resuscitated and renewed. If the decision is affirmative, then don't confound powerlessness over your partner with helplessness about being able to work together to build a better relationship.

Step One, Part Three---Powerlessness & Unmanageability

When we finally "get it" and realize that we are alcoholic and/or addicted and that we need to be in a program of recovery, many of us initially experience the euphoria known as "being on a pink cloud." We are so happy we finally understand what has been happening to us and anticipate our lives will now begin to be a whole lot better than they were while we were drinking and using. But eventually we fall off that pink cloud as we realize that we still have to deal with life's difficulties, but this time without the alcohol or other mind-altering drugs to relieve the uncomfortable feelings that go along with living life on life's terms.

Relationships are a lot like that. Two people fall in love and experience the euphoria of finding someone who "fits," someone who sees things the same way, wants the same things, shares the same beliefs and values, and feels the same excitement about being together. There is even a hormonal basis for the pink cloud aspect of falling in love; when we form an intimate attachment with someone, our bodies release oxytocsin into the bloodstream giving us that warm, delightful feeling of connectedness with our partner. This is the honeymoon phase of close relationships.

But the honeymoon invariably ends, usually after some major change in the couple's relationship such as moving in together, getting married, or the birth of a child. Oxytocsin levels usually fall back to normal levels after about 18-24 months, which is about the time it took for our early ancestors to conceive, give birth, and wean a child. When the honeymoon ends, we begin to see our partners in a much different light and notice a lot of things we don't like. Indeed some of the traits that most attracted us to our partner now begin to annoy the hell out of us.


When this happen, partners enter the power-struggle phase of their relationship. Angry outbursts, tearful episodes, threatening demands, manipulative behaviors are all part of the repetoire partners use in their effort to get each other to be different. A common phrase used in this stage of a relationship is "You've changed; I want you to go back to the way you were." Rarely has the partner actually changed; it's just that behaviors that didn't seem all that important during the honeymoon phase have become unbearable in the power-struggle stage.


Those of us who are relationship therapists usually see couples when they have been in this stage for awhile. Often we get a call after one of the partners has declared they are ready to leave the marriage because the other partner "isn't listening" or because there are "communication problems" (i.e., he/she won't see things my way.) Or we see couples when both partners are simply exhausted by the unending battle about whose behavior is responsible for all the difficulties.


Couples in recovery often go through these two stages of the relationship all over again. At first, there is lots of excitement and positive energy because the alcoholic/addict has surrendered, gone to treatment and/or a 12-Step program, and is committed to abstinence and recovery. But this honeymoon is even more short-lived than usual because all the devastation caused by the drinking and drugging and all the unhappy feelings associated with that devastation cannot be ignored for very long. So it is fairly normal for a recovering couple to re-enter the power struggle stage of their relationship within a few months of beginning recovery.


Here is where the first step is so essential for such couples. Although anger, tears, threats, and manipulation can often get a partner to change temporarily, they almost never lead to any fundamental, lasting change. The truth is that we are powerless to make our partners truly be the way we want them to be. And the more energy we put into trying to make our partners be different than they are, the more unmanageable our own lives and the life of our relationship become.

The key to ending the power-struggle is acceptance of our partner as he or she is, not as we want him or her to be, if we choose to remain in the relationship. There may be behaviors that are simply unacceptable---physical and/or emotional abuse or repeated infidelity or criminal behavior---but if a partner is unwilling to end those behaviors, then a dissolution of the relationship is the most likely and, usually, the best solution to the problem.

In 12-Step terms, acceptance of our partner in recovery means "not taking each other's inventory," "letting go and letting God," and "working the program." It means being patient during the early months of recovery and recognizing that a lot of individual work in recovery has to happen before a couple is ready to tackle problems in the relationship effectively. It means making an effort to look for and listen to the relationship "winners" in the program, the people who have found their way to loving, happy relationships in sobriety. It means being willing to try Recovering Couples Anonymous, couples counseling, and any other tools developed to help couples find the "Road of Happy Destiny." It means being able to realize that powerlessness and unmanageability are essential guideposts for creating a healthier relationship in recovery.

Step One, Part Two---Admitted

Admitted. What a powerful word. So powerful that it appears in 3 of the steps. It is crucial to our recovery that we admit our addiction, the exact nature of our wrongs, and when we are wrong.

It is also crucial to the well-being of our close relationships in recovery. I saw that again this morning; rather, I saw how the absence of admission keeps a couple stuck in an unhappy impasse. Bruce and Cathy have been coming to see me for couples counseling since the first of the year. Bruce, who has several years of sobriety, keeps talking about the lack of physical affection from Cathy. Cathy, who went to Alanon for a few months and then stopped, emphasizes her distrust of Bruce and unwillingness to have any kind of physical relationship with him. And so it goes in nearly every session despite my various interventions to disrupt the predictable stalemate.

No matter how much I pressed each of them, neither was willing to admit to me, let alone to each other, that they have just as much responsibility for the impasse as their partner does. Bruce spoke about how Cathy "keeps me in jail by not letting me hug her." Cathy talked about how much Bruce's alcoholic behavior left her unwilling to be affectionate with him. But whenever I encouraged each of them to talk about their own contribution to the impasse, neither was able to admit what part they had in the marital discord.

Then there was my client, John, last evening who spoke about one more sticky situation he has created in his life by his unwillingness to admit the truth about his life. John, who is a divorced recovering cocaine addict, has begun dating someone he is quite interested in. On the second date, the woman asked him if he had ever been married. John, not wanting to scare her off, fudged his reply in a way that left the woman thinking he has never been married. Now he is trying to find a way to tell her the truth without admitting that he deceived her on that second date. And, of course, the longer he waits to come clean, the more of a problem it will be.

Relationships work so much better when we admit openly and directly the mistakes we have made, the harm we have caused, the problems we have created by our carelessness and/or stupidity. Certainly, we will often experience discomfort when we do so, both because of the dissonance we feel between our belief about the kind of person we wish to be and the reality of what we have done and because of our partner's likely unhappy initial reaction. But once we have admitted our flaws and mistakes, we can then begin to deal with whatever problems those flaws and mistakes have created. Just as sobriety depends on the continuing evaluation of our actions and a willingness to admit it promptly when we are wrong, so the health of our intimate relationships depends on the willingness to admit our part in whatever problems have developed.