Trauma, Insecure Attachment and Addiction

R's mother became so depressed when he was almost two that she was hospitalized for nearly a month (this was in the days before antidepressant medication was available.) His mother's prolonged absence severely traumatized R. He couldn't be comforted, he wouldn't smile, and he didn't eat, losing almost twenty-five percent of his body weight, until his uncle finally got him to open his mouth by making him laugh.

R had been a happy, outgoing toddler before this experience. He trusted the adults in his life to be a safe haven when he encountered difficulties. His secure attachment to his mother gave him confidence to explore the world around him and to interact with the people in it. Occasionally something might scare or anger him, but his mother was sufficiently attuned to him that his upsets were short-lived.

R became a different child after the trauma of his beloved mother's lengthly disappearance. He no longer trusted that his mother would be there when he needed her. His distrust only deepened as his mother had recurring bouts of depression and hospitalizations. He came to believe that he needed to be emotionally self-sufficient as much as possible. Because of this belief he learned to avoid letting himself get too close to anyone.

After he learned to read R discovered a way to minimize his feelings of loneliness. Books became his beloved companions, always there for him and never rejecting him. And his love of reading and learning earned him positive attention and praise from his teachers. School was R's refuge, the place where he felt most secure and connected.

But school didn't teach R about how to be close in a relationship. He didn't date until his last year of high school. When he did let himself get involved with someone, he would find a way to sabotage things. He lost one serious girlfriend when he replied to her question about whether he had missed her while she was away on vacation, "Out of sight, out of mind."

When R initially began drinking and using drugs, he found that being drunk and/or high made it possible for him to reach out and make connections with others. It gave him a self-confidence that he hadn't known before. He was delighted to find that women found him attractive.

Eventually he met a woman he wanted to marry. He was so happy when she said yes. But after the high of getting married wore off, he reverted back to his avoidant style of relating. More and more, he immersed himself in his books. His alcohol and drug use soon became a way of avoiding emotional intimacy with his wife. After a few years he divorced her, saying he no longer loved her. His drinking and drugging escalated dramatically after the divorce.

After R got clean and sober, he still didn't know how to be close in a relationship. He made a good beginning by finding a home group and a sponsor in AA. They taught him how to reach out for help when he was distressed instead of isolating. The steps showed him how to take an honest look at himself, identify his character defects, and repair old hurts by making amends.

But the program didn't teach him any more than school had about how to make an emotionally close relationship work. Although he made several fearless and thorough moral inventories during his first years of sobriety, none of them freed him of the distrust he felt about becoming open, vulnerable, and dependent in a relationship. He found it easier to avoid letting someone in. So today he remains unattached as he celebrates his fifth AA birthday.