The Seventh Step, Listening, Feelings, and Relationships

I've just returned from a great meeting at my home group. It is a step study group, and today we were talking about Step 7. The person chairing the meeting is a guy who works for a major health care provider. He mans their emergency mental health phone five days a week.

He said he had found that what people most want when they call is to be heard without judgment. He has come to realize that nonjudgmental, fully present listening is the most helpful and healing thing he can do. I have found the same thing to be true in my relationship with S. When I listen with respect and acceptance to whatever she might be unhappy or upset about, we are able to deal with the issue in a positive manner. But when I interrupt, make judgments, give advice, or start talking about my own issues, we usually find ourselves falling into conflict and unhappiness with each other.

J also talked about applying that nonjudgmental listening to his own feelings. When he acknowledges them to himself and does not resist them, they usually pass within twenty to thirty minutes. But if he resists the feeling, telling himself it is unacceptable for whatever reason, or if he encourages the feeling by ruminating about it, then the feeling gets bigger and stays around much longer.

That sure hit home with me. Whenever I try to ignore or repress a feeling, I become increasingly less present to myself and others. This is especially true with S who always senses something is going on with me. I have learned over the years to take her seriously when she asks me, "What's going on?" Although my usual impulse is still to reply, "Nothing!", I know I need to start noticing and listening to what's going on inside and to talk to her about what I'm discovering. If I refuse to do that, our relationship goes downhill rapidly.

Indulging and wallowing in unhappy feelings doesn't lead to positive results, either. That only increases my internal critical voice which tells me how incompetent and wrong I am. When that happens, it's not long before I am withdrawn and hostile when S seeks contact with me.

So learning that my feelings and the thoughts that go with them are not character defects themselves has been essential both to my recovery and to a good relationship with S. Acknowledging the reality of whatever I'm feeling without holding S responsible for it and without beating myself up for having it leads to a good outcome. Denying what I'm feeling, blaming S for its existence, or telling myself I'm wrong and bad for having it are guaranteed to lead to a bad outcome. It is these behaviors that constitute some of the character defects I humbly ask my Higher Power to remove.