Mindfulness, Addiction, and Relationships

After meeting S in the early summer of 1983 and hearing her talk about the disease concept of addiction, I began to realize that my use of pot was addictive, not recreational. By mid-summer I had made the decision to stop using, but did not believe that I was actually an addict. I remained abstinent for about 60 days, got stoned, and then stayed abstinent for another 60 days.

In the meantime, S and I began a relationship. We were seeing each other almost daily by the early fall. One day in early November we were out on a Sunday drive when S casually mentioned that she believed recovery from addiction depended on ceasing use of all mind-altering substances. I was not ready to accept this. I was not ready to quit drinking. Instead, I ended our relationship within a month.

I was miserable through the holidays. I didn't feel much better in January and February. But I was determined not to give up my beer before bed every evening nor my bottle of good wine on the weekend. I did, however, continue to meditate every morning for 20 to 30 minutes.

I had several teeth pulled in mid-March. The dentist gave me half a dozen Tylenol 3 for use when the anesthetic wore off. He directed me to take 2 every four hours. I consumed all of them within an hour of getting home, went out to buy a 6-pack of beer, which I drank within a couple of hours, and then went out to buy some pot from a street dealer.

Upon awakening, I knew I was (and am) an alcoholic-addict. There was no doubt in my mind about the truth of that realization. And there was no doubt in my mind that abstinence from all mind-altering substances was the only way I was going to recover my sanity. And, finally, there was no doubt in my mind that I loved S deeply and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

At least, I had the wisdom to wait a few weeks before calling her to see if she would be willing to resume the relationship. During those few weeks, my heart would say yes each morning in meditation when I would check in to see if I still felt the same about her. Although I was ready to return to the relationship we had had 6 months earlier, S had the wisdom to suggest that we take it slowly. We did, and in doing so, we laid the foundation for a marriage built to last.

Meditation played a critical role in awakening to the reality of my addiction. Meditation is about bringing attention to the contents of our mind, about being mindful. As we sit looking at our thoughts and feelings with open, nonjudgmental attention, we begin to see truths about ourselves and the world about us which are obscured by our ceaseless judgments and evaluations. The mindfulness we cultivate by meditating creates the conditions for significant transformations.

Just as 12-Step programs use the acronym HALT* to help someone in recovery avoid relapse, Western mindfulness retreats use the acronym RAIN to remind meditators about the 4 basic principles of mindful transformation. R is for Recognition, of seeing what is happening in the moment. When I recognized the reality of my addiction, I stepped out of denial. When I recognized the truth of my love for S, I could no longer pretend I didn't want a close relationship with her.

A is for Acceptance. Acceptance makes it possible for us to open to and begin to work with the reality we have just recognized. Once I accepted the reality of being an alcoholic-addict, the source of many of the problems in my life was clear and I could work effectively to change them. Accepting my deep feelings for S gave me the courage to go back and ask for a chance to develop a healthy relationship with her.

I is for Investigation. I had begun investigating the nature of my addiction after my first meeting with S. I read several books about the disease concept of addiction. I answered yes to too many of the questions about my use of pot (but didn't want to ask those questions about my alcohol use.) Once I awoke to the reality of my addiction, I could investigate my feelings about S more clearly. They were strong, they were real, and they didn't go away.To this day, investigating the feelings that come up in relation to S has been critical to the health of our relationship.

And N is for Non-identification. An article in the New York Times several weeks ago described some research in which students were asked to recall a bad memory, whether an argument or a failed exam. Half the students were asked to recall it in the first person (e.g., "I failed my calculus exam.") The other half were asked to recall it in the third person, as if they were watching themselves in a movie. The researchers found that those recalling bad memories in the third person were significantly less upset by them, which gave them the ability to focus more on the why and how of what made them upset.

This is what happens during meditation. As we recognize, accept, and investigate our thoughts and feelings, we gain some distance from them. When I awoke to the reality of being an alcoholic-addict, I was not overwhelmed by feelings of shame and self-hate. Doctor A cannot drink or use pot without losing control, but that reality does not constitute the entire reality of who Doctor A is. When S and I get into an argument, the argument comes to an end when I am able to step back from my anger, disidentify with it, and remember how much I love her. Letting go of "I," "me" and "mine" always makes for a better relationship.

Meditation is about developing mindfulness. And mindfulness is about using recognition, acceptance, investigation, and non-identification to transform our difficulties. These are invaluable tools both for recovery from addiction and for relationships in recovery. They are universal tools, belonging to no particular religion or spiritual path. They do not conflict with the 12-Step emphasis on turning our will and our lives over to a Higher Power. Most importantly, they work.


*HALT stands for not getting too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely, or too Tired