In my last post, I wrote that working the steps of AA was not enough to make it possible for me to be in a close relationship. I had to learn how to do that by being in a relationship with S.
But AA has been an essential part of that relationship. Without the program, S and I would not have been able to stay together long enough to learn how to achieve a mutually satisfactory marriage. Among other things, AA has served as a powerful holding environment for me. As I've struggled to learn how to be close, to handle conflict, to deal with uncomfortable feelings stirred up by the relationship, and to be a loving, caring partner, I have relied on my sponsors and members of my home group to support me. When I've felt out of control emotionally, going to meetings has always helped calm me down and regain some serenity. I've done the old ninety meetings in ninety days several times during the last twenty years when I felt like I couldn't handle things anymore.
Our neediness for unconditional love and acceptance often feels insatiable by the time we get to a 12-Step program. Most of us failed to get that in our families when we were young. As a result, most of us grew up with an inadequate capacity to form intimate attachments. The effect of our addictive behavior on others only made things worse. We come to sobriety desperately needing someone who will tell us to keep coming back no matter how crazy we act or feel.
Most of us are not capable of learning how to be emotionally close with a partner or significant other when we first get clean and sober. We feel so overwhelmed by our feelings that we often cannot even talk about them until we've got some months of sobriety. Our capacity to tolerate anxiety and/or depression is minimal. All of our energy and focus needs to go into staying sober.
So letting ourselves get attached to the program, experiencing the relief of being unconditionally accepted, of letting others love us until we can love ourselves is the best first step we can take in learning how to be in relationship while clean and sober. It can provide the secure base from which we can eventually learn how to make our intimate relationships work. And the program will always be there to encourage us to persevere when we screw up our partnerships as we inevitably will. Because making our relationships work is based on progress not perfection.
