The Ninth Step and the Process of Healing Relationships

W used his time during a couples session today to do a Ninth Step with his wife. It was an excellent Ninth Step. He didn't just say something like, "I did a lot of bad things and I'm sorry." He had reviewed his Fourth Step and had given a lot of thought about the character defects that step revealed. He then thought about the specific ways in which he had acted out some of those character defects, recounted them to his wife without defending or rationalizing his behavior, apologized for his hurtful actions, and committed himself to cease continuing them in the future.

W has been clean and sober for more than a decade, so this Ninth Step was not about all the harmful things he had done to the marriage when he was drinking. Instead it was about the many ways in which he has not been present to his wife and children during his years of sobriety. He was clear about how this emotional distance has damaged his marriage and the relationship with his children. He recognized the need for significant changes and recommitted to continuing working toward those changes in the future.

When he was finished, he waited expectantly for his wife to accept his amends, forgive him, and signal a readiness to move forward. She did not meet his expectations. She thanked him for making the amends and acknowledged that he has begun making more of an effort to be present and involved. But then she went on to say that she anticipated feeling a lot of pressure from W to "get over it" and be done with her hurt and anger. She tearfully said she just isn't ready to do that.

This is such a common situation for couples in recovery. 12-Step programs stress the importance of "cleaning up the wreckage of the past" by doing an inventory, recognizing and changing character defects, and making amends. Unfortunately, many people in recovery expect that the wreckage will be cleaned up by the time they have completed making the amends. They are often frustrated and impatient with their partners and children who aren't miraculously freed of their hurt and anger as soon as sincere amends have been made.

During the session we talked about how healing relationships is a long process, not a specific event. Making amends and taking responsibility for one's hurtful behavior is an essential part of that process, but it is still only a part of it. Living the amends by becoming a more loving, caring, and available partner is also a vital aspect of repairing relationships in recovery. Another critical aspect of the healing process is recognizing, accepting and being willing to listen to a partner's need to talk about their pain and frustration, oftentimes repeatedly, until those feelings are resolved. So although the Ninth Step is the last of the six "action" steps in 12-Step programs, it is also usually just an early step in the long, complex process of restoring a relationship to sanity. It is important to keep that in mind when making or receiving a Ninth Step amends.