In my experience, the emotional reactivity does not stop. We're not talking about getting rid of the experience of getting hooked. We're talking about when you get hooked, what do you do next?
As you're acting, you could ask, "Have I ever responded in this way before?" If the answer is, "yes, I always respond this way. This movie is a rerun," then you're acting unconsciously. You aren't even acknowledging that you're doing it again and getting the same result.
Pema Chodron, "Choosing Peace" in Shambhala Sun, November, 2007
In her article about "Choosing Peace" Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, writes about how often we find ourselves wanting to "settle the score" when someone has done something that upsets us. We want them to feel what we have felt, and we believe we can do that by paying them back, by "getting even." But retaliating in this way never makes things even, it only makes things worse. Unfortunately, one of the places we are most likely to yield to our emotional reactivity is in our intimate close relationships because that is the place where we are most vulnerable and most likely to feel hurt by what the other person has said or done.
Meditation is a very useful tool for learning to be less reactive in these kinds of situations. In meditation we can observe our feelings and our reactions without acting on them in the moment. As we do so over time, we gradually learn to detach a bit from our powerful emotions and our impulse to act on them. As Pema Chodron says, it's not that we can avoid being hooked by situations, but we can create enough conscious awareness of how we are feeling and what our usual automatic reaction is to that feeling to be able to make a choice about how we're going to respond. Being able to make a choice about our behavior means that we are also in a position to think about what the consequences will be for our relationship if our choice is based on trying to settle the score, on retaliating in an attempt to get even.
Step Eleven talks about using prayer and meditation as a means of increasing our conscious contact with our Higher Power in order to be clearer about what our Higher Power's will is for us. In our relationships I believe our Higher Power wants us to develop a kind, loving and compassionate heart which is open to our partner's needs and well-being. Using meditation as a tool to become less reactive when we are angry and/or hurt in our relationship is certainly one of the ways we can use meditation as a means of carrying out God's will for us.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Step Eleven, Part Two---Listening
Meditation for me became "listening" not just to the Group of Drunks but also to all the beings I came into contact with--human or otherwise--and to myself. An important part of "improving" this "conscious contact" was to listen, or try to directly experience, each contact in the moment and without old stories, without projections into the past or future.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Kate left a frantic message on my answering machine that she and Joe needed to see me ASAP because Joe had told her he was seriously thinking of separating. When they arrived in my office two days later, Joe was visibly agitated. He began the session by saying, "I can't take this any longer! I know I'm supposed to stay on my side of the street and work my program, but I just can't deal with Kate anymore!" With that Joe, who has about six years of recovery from a cocaine-alcohol-sexual addiction, lapsed into a hostile silence.
Kate immediately responded, "Oh, it's all my fault, isn't it! I'm the evil wife, the crazy bitch! But I'm not the one who ruined everything because of my drinking and drugging! I'm not the one who slept around with everyone while my spouse struggled to keep things together!" And then Kate lapsed into a rageful silence of her own.
What a struggle it was to get them to start listening to each other's pain without angry attacks and defensive counter-criticism. It was clear that Joe and Kate had stopped listening to each other a long time ago, long before Joe acknowledged his addictions and made a commitment to recovery. After a brief honeymoon of a few weeks when Joe stopped using and started going to AA and SA, both of them had gone back to their old pattern of Joe saying he couldn't stand Kate's treatment of him and Kate justifying her behavior by blasting Joe for what he had done to her. It was a predictable, never changing, and ultimately boring interaction that both of them were quite tired of, but neither could seem to let go of. It was Joe who was finally ready to throw in the towel and end this unhappy relationship.
It seems to me that the meditation part of Step Eleven is helpful not only for improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power, but is also a very useful tool for learning how to listen. First we learn to listen to the incessant chatter of our own minds and to notice the constant judging, complaining, wishing, and planning of our egos. We learn how to listen without being totally caught up in our ego's stories. As we begin to learn to detach from the ego's demand for attention and gratification, we also begin to learn how to listen to our partners without our old, habitual stories. We begin to learn how to be fully present in the present with our partners, letting go of our biased memories of the past and our distorted projections of the future. As a result we begin to experience more direct contact with our partners, hearing, seeing, and understanding them as they are in the moment and realizing they are much more complicated and filled with possibilities than we once believed.
If there is one piece of advice I would give to every couple as they embark on the path of recovery it would be to learn how to listen to each other with full attention and respect. That alone doesn't guarantee that the path will always be smooth and easy, but it does guarantee they will find it much easier to navigate their way around whatever obstacles they encounter on that path.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Kate left a frantic message on my answering machine that she and Joe needed to see me ASAP because Joe had told her he was seriously thinking of separating. When they arrived in my office two days later, Joe was visibly agitated. He began the session by saying, "I can't take this any longer! I know I'm supposed to stay on my side of the street and work my program, but I just can't deal with Kate anymore!" With that Joe, who has about six years of recovery from a cocaine-alcohol-sexual addiction, lapsed into a hostile silence.
Kate immediately responded, "Oh, it's all my fault, isn't it! I'm the evil wife, the crazy bitch! But I'm not the one who ruined everything because of my drinking and drugging! I'm not the one who slept around with everyone while my spouse struggled to keep things together!" And then Kate lapsed into a rageful silence of her own.
What a struggle it was to get them to start listening to each other's pain without angry attacks and defensive counter-criticism. It was clear that Joe and Kate had stopped listening to each other a long time ago, long before Joe acknowledged his addictions and made a commitment to recovery. After a brief honeymoon of a few weeks when Joe stopped using and started going to AA and SA, both of them had gone back to their old pattern of Joe saying he couldn't stand Kate's treatment of him and Kate justifying her behavior by blasting Joe for what he had done to her. It was a predictable, never changing, and ultimately boring interaction that both of them were quite tired of, but neither could seem to let go of. It was Joe who was finally ready to throw in the towel and end this unhappy relationship.
It seems to me that the meditation part of Step Eleven is helpful not only for improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power, but is also a very useful tool for learning how to listen. First we learn to listen to the incessant chatter of our own minds and to notice the constant judging, complaining, wishing, and planning of our egos. We learn how to listen without being totally caught up in our ego's stories. As we begin to learn to detach from the ego's demand for attention and gratification, we also begin to learn how to listen to our partners without our old, habitual stories. We begin to learn how to be fully present in the present with our partners, letting go of our biased memories of the past and our distorted projections of the future. As a result we begin to experience more direct contact with our partners, hearing, seeing, and understanding them as they are in the moment and realizing they are much more complicated and filled with possibilities than we once believed.
If there is one piece of advice I would give to every couple as they embark on the path of recovery it would be to learn how to listen to each other with full attention and respect. That alone doesn't guarantee that the path will always be smooth and easy, but it does guarantee they will find it much easier to navigate their way around whatever obstacles they encounter on that path.
Step Eleven, Part One---Self-Forgetting
He (St. Francis) hoped, God willing, that he might be able to find some of these treasures, too. This he would try to do by what he called self-forgetting. What did he mean by "self-forgetting" and how did he propose to accomplish that?
He thought it better to give comfort than to receive it; better to understand than to be understood; better to forgive than to be forgiven.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Learning the way of self-forgetting is a key aspect of learning how to create a happy, delightful relationship in recovery. Mary has been learning that way this past year. When she first came to see me, she was four months clean and sober. She spent most of her time in the beginning talking about how awful her life was---her ex-husband seemed to go out of his way to make her life miserable, her teenage sons chose to live with her ex and seemed to side with him, her job as a teacher was exhausting and filled with petty annoyances, and she felt tired much of the time. Mary had remarried, but she was disappointed that her new husband wasn't able to fix her problems and make life better.
As Mary attended AA meetings, worked the steps with her sponsor, and began to awaken spiritually, she realized that her new husband was suffering from problems in his life. Approaching 50, he began to develop some serious health issues at the same time that his company was downsizing, leaving him increasingly anxious about being laid off and uncertain about finding another comparable job at his age if that happened. When Mary and her husband sat down to dinner, Mary began to inquire about how his day had been rather than launching into a long monologue about how dreadful her day had been. If her husband wasn't feeling well or had had a stressful day on the job, she moved to hug and comfort him. As she did this, she came to realize that she wasn't feeling quite so unhappy about her own life, which no longer seemed as awful as it had seemed when she was 120 days clean and sober.
At the same time, she came to realize that her teenage sons needed to be close to their dad, that this was a normal stage of their development. As she came to this realization, she was able to forgive them for their "abandonment" of her. Increasingly free of her resentment and anger toward them, she found herself developing a more positive relationship with them, enjoying whatever contact there was while also being grateful for having more time to spend with her new husband doing things they both enjoyed.
Mary also began to understand that her ex-husband was not intentionally trying to make her life miserable, but was trying to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed by being the custodial parent of 3 teenage boys who required much more parenting than he had realized when he was married to Mary and could leave much of the daily parenting tasks to her. With this new understanding, Mary no longer took her ex's behavior so personally, and could even feel some compassion for his struggle to learn how to be an effective hands-on parent. And as Mary conveyed her understanding of his difficulties to him, her ex began to express his appreciation and admiration for all the things she had done to parent her sons that he had always taken for granted.
In the end, following a spiritual path and developing the art of self-forgetting are what successful relationships in recovery are all about. As long as we focus on ourselves, on what we must have, on what we don't like, we are caught up in ego and unlikely to develop a satisfactory intimate relationship. It is when we forget the self, seek to comfort, forgive, and understand our partner, and think in terms of we rather than me that we begin to experience all the wondrous delights of joining our life with another human being in a relationship in recovery.
He thought it better to give comfort than to receive it; better to understand than to be understood; better to forgive than to be forgiven.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Learning the way of self-forgetting is a key aspect of learning how to create a happy, delightful relationship in recovery. Mary has been learning that way this past year. When she first came to see me, she was four months clean and sober. She spent most of her time in the beginning talking about how awful her life was---her ex-husband seemed to go out of his way to make her life miserable, her teenage sons chose to live with her ex and seemed to side with him, her job as a teacher was exhausting and filled with petty annoyances, and she felt tired much of the time. Mary had remarried, but she was disappointed that her new husband wasn't able to fix her problems and make life better.
As Mary attended AA meetings, worked the steps with her sponsor, and began to awaken spiritually, she realized that her new husband was suffering from problems in his life. Approaching 50, he began to develop some serious health issues at the same time that his company was downsizing, leaving him increasingly anxious about being laid off and uncertain about finding another comparable job at his age if that happened. When Mary and her husband sat down to dinner, Mary began to inquire about how his day had been rather than launching into a long monologue about how dreadful her day had been. If her husband wasn't feeling well or had had a stressful day on the job, she moved to hug and comfort him. As she did this, she came to realize that she wasn't feeling quite so unhappy about her own life, which no longer seemed as awful as it had seemed when she was 120 days clean and sober.
At the same time, she came to realize that her teenage sons needed to be close to their dad, that this was a normal stage of their development. As she came to this realization, she was able to forgive them for their "abandonment" of her. Increasingly free of her resentment and anger toward them, she found herself developing a more positive relationship with them, enjoying whatever contact there was while also being grateful for having more time to spend with her new husband doing things they both enjoyed.
Mary also began to understand that her ex-husband was not intentionally trying to make her life miserable, but was trying to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed by being the custodial parent of 3 teenage boys who required much more parenting than he had realized when he was married to Mary and could leave much of the daily parenting tasks to her. With this new understanding, Mary no longer took her ex's behavior so personally, and could even feel some compassion for his struggle to learn how to be an effective hands-on parent. And as Mary conveyed her understanding of his difficulties to him, her ex began to express his appreciation and admiration for all the things she had done to parent her sons that he had always taken for granted.
In the end, following a spiritual path and developing the art of self-forgetting are what successful relationships in recovery are all about. As long as we focus on ourselves, on what we must have, on what we don't like, we are caught up in ego and unlikely to develop a satisfactory intimate relationship. It is when we forget the self, seek to comfort, forgive, and understand our partner, and think in terms of we rather than me that we begin to experience all the wondrous delights of joining our life with another human being in a relationship in recovery.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Step Ten, Part Four---Really Promptly
The sooner we recognize and admit the truth, the less negative karma we build up. The longer we wait to correct our mistakes, the more we hurt ourselves and others. The repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A news summary from CBS news about a study of how negativity affects marriages and close friendships reported , "Those in a negative relationship were 34% more likely to have a coronary event in the 12 years of follow-up." According to the researcher who conducted the study, Roberto De Vogli, the suspected reason for this finding is that people tend to mentally "replay" negative interactions. So the longer we wait to do our ongoing personal inventory and make prompt amends, the longer we and our partners have to go over and over any negative interactions which have occurred. And as this study indicates, mentally chewing on negative interactions with a partner is not only a cause of continued emotional suffering but can also lead to serious physical suffering as well. This research gives added meaning to Kevin Griffin's words that "the repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them."
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A news summary from CBS news about a study of how negativity affects marriages and close friendships reported , "Those in a negative relationship were 34% more likely to have a coronary event in the 12 years of follow-up." According to the researcher who conducted the study, Roberto De Vogli, the suspected reason for this finding is that people tend to mentally "replay" negative interactions. So the longer we wait to do our ongoing personal inventory and make prompt amends, the longer we and our partners have to go over and over any negative interactions which have occurred. And as this study indicates, mentally chewing on negative interactions with a partner is not only a cause of continued emotional suffering but can also lead to serious physical suffering as well. This research gives added meaning to Kevin Griffin's words that "the repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them."
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Step Ten, Part Two---Promptly
On occasion, I've tried to sit after having had a fight with my wife, and, right in the middle of meditation, stopped, gotten up, and gone to her to apologize. Seeing the suffering I had caused, my part in it, and the suffering I was experiencing as a result, prompted me to abandon any attempt at sitting and go take care of that amends.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Ed and Betty were clients of mine a number of years ago. When they first came to see me, Ed was still drinking. He didn't admit he was drinking alcoholically until he and Betty had been in counseling for about three months. Before he got sober, Betty would bitterly complain how Ed would get angry with her when he was drunk and make all kinds of unfounded accusations about her. The next day he would act as if nothing had happened, taking no responsibility for his behavior and often not even acknowledging the previous evening's conflict. Ed's behavior was not at all unusual; most of us alcoholics and addicts have frequently tried to deal with our inappropriate, hurtful behavior by pretending the next day that everything is just fine, that there is no need to bring up the previous day's episode and that certainly there is no need for us to apologize and make amends.
Those habits of denial and stonewalling are difficult to change even after some time in recovery. So many times I find myself giving S the silent treatment after we have quarreled about something. But I am certainly not silent inside my head as I self-righteously defend my position and behavior and insist that S is the one who is wrong. Fortunately, sooner or later (unfortunately, more later than sooner) a new voice begins to make itself heard inside my head which says, 'Remember Step Ten. What's your part in this problem? Where were you wrong? What amends do you need to make?" At first, the angry part of me says, "SHUT UP!", but that other voice persists until I admit first to myself and then to S how I've behaved badly and how I need to apologize for the harm I've done to her and to our relationship.
The funny thing is that I always feel better after I do that. And things usually get a lot better between S and me fairly quickly after I've acknowledged being wrong and apologized. There is rarely any leftover animosity or resentment once I have practiced the Tenth Step in this situation, and as a result our relationship has remained current all these years, unencumbered by old business from the past. So why do I insist on holding onto my anger until my suffering becomes unbearable and I decide to let it go and bring that suffering to an end? I wish I knew.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Ed and Betty were clients of mine a number of years ago. When they first came to see me, Ed was still drinking. He didn't admit he was drinking alcoholically until he and Betty had been in counseling for about three months. Before he got sober, Betty would bitterly complain how Ed would get angry with her when he was drunk and make all kinds of unfounded accusations about her. The next day he would act as if nothing had happened, taking no responsibility for his behavior and often not even acknowledging the previous evening's conflict. Ed's behavior was not at all unusual; most of us alcoholics and addicts have frequently tried to deal with our inappropriate, hurtful behavior by pretending the next day that everything is just fine, that there is no need to bring up the previous day's episode and that certainly there is no need for us to apologize and make amends.
Those habits of denial and stonewalling are difficult to change even after some time in recovery. So many times I find myself giving S the silent treatment after we have quarreled about something. But I am certainly not silent inside my head as I self-righteously defend my position and behavior and insist that S is the one who is wrong. Fortunately, sooner or later (unfortunately, more later than sooner) a new voice begins to make itself heard inside my head which says, 'Remember Step Ten. What's your part in this problem? Where were you wrong? What amends do you need to make?" At first, the angry part of me says, "SHUT UP!", but that other voice persists until I admit first to myself and then to S how I've behaved badly and how I need to apologize for the harm I've done to her and to our relationship.
The funny thing is that I always feel better after I do that. And things usually get a lot better between S and me fairly quickly after I've acknowledged being wrong and apologized. There is rarely any leftover animosity or resentment once I have practiced the Tenth Step in this situation, and as a result our relationship has remained current all these years, unencumbered by old business from the past. So why do I insist on holding onto my anger until my suffering becomes unbearable and I decide to let it go and bring that suffering to an end? I wish I knew.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Step Ten, Part Two---Self-Restraint
Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot....We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Pete and Joan came to see me several months ago just as Joan was making a decision to move out of their home because she needed "space" to figure out how she feels about their marriage and whether she still wants to be married to Pete. Pete was initially shocked and confused, saying he hadn't seen it coming at all. As far as he could see, they have a very good marriage and he professed to be quite unaware of Joan's doubts about their relationship.
As we have begun to sort out what led Joan to make this decision, Pete's initial emotional numbness has given way to anger. He demands that Joan "stop this nonsense" and move back home immediately. Joan responds angrily herself, telling Pete to "back off and give me space." They have entered a critical moment in the counseling process. I told them if they aren't careful and make an effort to exercise some self-restraint in the midst of their strong emotions, one or the other of them (or both) can destroy with an intemperate remark their chance to discover the root of Joan's dissatisfaction and work to resolve it in a way that brings them back together. They are definitely at risk for speaking or acting hastily or rashly, thereby losing any chance to be fair-minded and tolerant.
Turning to John Gottman and his research once more, we find some striking findings that speak directly to this issue. He discovered as he was measuring pulse rates and blood pressure while a couple was talking about a contentious issue that there came a certain point when one partner would become emotionally flooded. At that point, the "fight or flight" response in the oldest part of the brain would be triggered so that a person either exploded in rage or stormed out of the room (or sometimes both.) Gottman was able to identify when that point was reached---when a person's pulse exceeds 100 beats a minute.
Once a person is physiologically and emotionally flooded, his or her ability to practice self-restraint is pretty much gone. So it is important to learn to recognize the signs that the flooding process is starting up (for men generally when their pulse exceeds 80 bpm and for women generally when their pulse exceeds 90 bpm.) Once we recognize that we are starting to be flooded, the best thing to do is to stop the interaction and ask for a timeout. If we wait until we are completely flooded before asking for a timeout, it will be too late, and we are likely to say or do things that are quite harmful to our relationship.
There are helpful ways and unhelpful ways to take a timeout. First of all, a timeout needs to be at least 20 minutes in duration because it takes that long for adrenaline to subside and for the heart to return to normal. Secondly, we need to soothe ourselves by doing something restful and calming such as taking a walk, listening to music, or some other nonstressful activity. At the same time, we must refrain from keeping up an angry dialogue in our head, seeing ourselves as the innocent victim of our partner's bad behavior; instead we need to use self-soothing tools such as the Serenity Prayer to restore us to sanity. Finally, when we do tell our partner we need to take a timeout, we also need to make a commitment to return to the discussion as soon as we have calmed down or as soon thereafter as is practical.
Gottman also learned from his research that men and women are quite different when it comes to flooding. On the whole, men are much more likely to reach a flooded state quicker than women are, so most of the time it is the man who needs to ask for a timeout. Also, once aroused by stress, men take longer to calm down than women, so they are likely to need longer timeouts. Finally, men are more likely to have negative thoughts which perpetuate their distress, while women are more likely to be self-soothing in their thinking and looking for ways to be conciliatory, so men need to be especially vigilant about using such tools as the Serenity Prayer to combat their self-righteous thinking.
Mother nature has played another trick in the gender department around the issue of flooding. While men are much more likely to be highly distressed when difficult, sensitive issues are being discussed so that they are the ones needing to call for a timeout before becoming flooded, women are much more prone to being flooded when an issue of importance to them is not being discussed and moved toward some kind of resolution. This means that a woman will remain in a state of increasing distress if her partner breaks off a discussion because of the need for a timeout and then is unwilling to resume the discussion at a later point. Thus it is imperative for a man to make a verbal contract to come back to an issue when he is requesting a timeout to cool down and then to keep his commitment by returning to the issue in a timely manner. Otherwise, his wife/girlfriend will bring up the issue again, but most likely in a harsher manner, which will in turn push him toward being flooded even sooner. And then the cycle of mutual negativity begins to take on a life of its own.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Pete and Joan came to see me several months ago just as Joan was making a decision to move out of their home because she needed "space" to figure out how she feels about their marriage and whether she still wants to be married to Pete. Pete was initially shocked and confused, saying he hadn't seen it coming at all. As far as he could see, they have a very good marriage and he professed to be quite unaware of Joan's doubts about their relationship.
As we have begun to sort out what led Joan to make this decision, Pete's initial emotional numbness has given way to anger. He demands that Joan "stop this nonsense" and move back home immediately. Joan responds angrily herself, telling Pete to "back off and give me space." They have entered a critical moment in the counseling process. I told them if they aren't careful and make an effort to exercise some self-restraint in the midst of their strong emotions, one or the other of them (or both) can destroy with an intemperate remark their chance to discover the root of Joan's dissatisfaction and work to resolve it in a way that brings them back together. They are definitely at risk for speaking or acting hastily or rashly, thereby losing any chance to be fair-minded and tolerant.
Turning to John Gottman and his research once more, we find some striking findings that speak directly to this issue. He discovered as he was measuring pulse rates and blood pressure while a couple was talking about a contentious issue that there came a certain point when one partner would become emotionally flooded. At that point, the "fight or flight" response in the oldest part of the brain would be triggered so that a person either exploded in rage or stormed out of the room (or sometimes both.) Gottman was able to identify when that point was reached---when a person's pulse exceeds 100 beats a minute.
Once a person is physiologically and emotionally flooded, his or her ability to practice self-restraint is pretty much gone. So it is important to learn to recognize the signs that the flooding process is starting up (for men generally when their pulse exceeds 80 bpm and for women generally when their pulse exceeds 90 bpm.) Once we recognize that we are starting to be flooded, the best thing to do is to stop the interaction and ask for a timeout. If we wait until we are completely flooded before asking for a timeout, it will be too late, and we are likely to say or do things that are quite harmful to our relationship.
There are helpful ways and unhelpful ways to take a timeout. First of all, a timeout needs to be at least 20 minutes in duration because it takes that long for adrenaline to subside and for the heart to return to normal. Secondly, we need to soothe ourselves by doing something restful and calming such as taking a walk, listening to music, or some other nonstressful activity. At the same time, we must refrain from keeping up an angry dialogue in our head, seeing ourselves as the innocent victim of our partner's bad behavior; instead we need to use self-soothing tools such as the Serenity Prayer to restore us to sanity. Finally, when we do tell our partner we need to take a timeout, we also need to make a commitment to return to the discussion as soon as we have calmed down or as soon thereafter as is practical.
Gottman also learned from his research that men and women are quite different when it comes to flooding. On the whole, men are much more likely to reach a flooded state quicker than women are, so most of the time it is the man who needs to ask for a timeout. Also, once aroused by stress, men take longer to calm down than women, so they are likely to need longer timeouts. Finally, men are more likely to have negative thoughts which perpetuate their distress, while women are more likely to be self-soothing in their thinking and looking for ways to be conciliatory, so men need to be especially vigilant about using such tools as the Serenity Prayer to combat their self-righteous thinking.
Mother nature has played another trick in the gender department around the issue of flooding. While men are much more likely to be highly distressed when difficult, sensitive issues are being discussed so that they are the ones needing to call for a timeout before becoming flooded, women are much more prone to being flooded when an issue of importance to them is not being discussed and moved toward some kind of resolution. This means that a woman will remain in a state of increasing distress if her partner breaks off a discussion because of the need for a timeout and then is unwilling to resume the discussion at a later point. Thus it is imperative for a man to make a verbal contract to come back to an issue when he is requesting a timeout to cool down and then to keep his commitment by returning to the issue in a timely manner. Otherwise, his wife/girlfriend will bring up the issue again, but most likely in a harsher manner, which will in turn push him toward being flooded even sooner. And then the cycle of mutual negativity begins to take on a life of its own.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Step Ten, Part One---Relationship Maintenance
For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I have been writing posts about applying the "action" steps (4-9) to cleaning up past wreckage and taking responsibility for relationship problems in recovery. But once we have put a lot of work into healing the damage done to our relationships prior to recovery, we need to turn our attention to keeping those relationships as healthy as possible as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. Practicing Step Ten on a daily basis is one of the keys to this process.
One of the most important aspects of self-searching I have learned over the years in my relationship with S is to take her seriously when she suggests that something seems to be going on to me. Many times during our first several years together, S would ask me what was bothering me and I would reply with that famous answer, "Nothing!" I was usually being honest when I answered that way because I was unaware of any negative feelings at the moment of my answer, but over the next day or two I would gradually come to a place where I would have to admit to myself (and then to S, which was even harder) that something was bothering me. After that happened a number of times, I realized that S is often more accurately aware of my emotional state than I am and that I should pay heed when she thinks something is going on with me that I'm not talking about. So an important part of my Step Ten self-searching comes from taking S seriously when she thinks something is going on with me and making the effort to figure out what it is.
Accepting and admitting what we find in our self-searching is a significant part of staying clean and sober and growing in our recovery. Accepting and admitting what we find when we look at our primary relationship clearly and comprehensively is also a significant part of maintaining a satisfying relationship. Over and over again I see couples whose relationship has become very unhappy and unsatisfactory because one or both partners wasn't willing to accept the problems that were developing or wasn't willing to admit their part in creating those problems. When we refuse to admit and accept the difficulties that have arisen in our relationship, we stop living in the present moment and get caught in unresolved feelings from the past. As a result, the relationship is no longer "current," and future difficulties stir up angry, disappointing feelings left over from unresolved difficulties of the past.
Step Ten also contributes to the maintenance of our relationships by pushing us to make a persistent effort to correct what is wrong. The key word here is "persistent." Some relationship problems are easily and quickly resolved, but many of them seem to come back again and again. In fact, John Gottman says that almost 60% of the problems couples encounter are "perpetual," never fully and finally resolved. But successful couples are willing to work with such problems repeatedly, often finding a partial or momentary solution that allows their relationship to remain current. He also discovered that a sense of humor was the best tool of all when it comes to dealing with such kinds of problems.
Finally, spending time together is of the essence if you wish to keep your intimate relationship in excellent health. Many years ago I saw a videotape of a marriage counselor who said that couples need an hour a day of direct contact with each other in order to stay connected. That hour can be broken up into 10 or 15 minute segments, but the critical thing is that partners be fully engaged with each other during those times. He went on to say that during the early years of his marriage, when he was working full-time, attending graduate school in the evenings full-time, and he and his wife were parenting 3 kids under the age of 5, they would hire a babysitter on Friday nites and go out on a date from 7 pm until 2 am, thereby getting in 7 hours of direct contact for the week in one evening. He said he doubted the marriage would have survived their extremely busy schedule if they had not made such an arrangement for the two years he was in graduate school. I concur with the need to make spending time together a top priority; if you don't, your relationship will seriously suffer and likely die.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I have been writing posts about applying the "action" steps (4-9) to cleaning up past wreckage and taking responsibility for relationship problems in recovery. But once we have put a lot of work into healing the damage done to our relationships prior to recovery, we need to turn our attention to keeping those relationships as healthy as possible as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. Practicing Step Ten on a daily basis is one of the keys to this process.
One of the most important aspects of self-searching I have learned over the years in my relationship with S is to take her seriously when she suggests that something seems to be going on to me. Many times during our first several years together, S would ask me what was bothering me and I would reply with that famous answer, "Nothing!" I was usually being honest when I answered that way because I was unaware of any negative feelings at the moment of my answer, but over the next day or two I would gradually come to a place where I would have to admit to myself (and then to S, which was even harder) that something was bothering me. After that happened a number of times, I realized that S is often more accurately aware of my emotional state than I am and that I should pay heed when she thinks something is going on with me that I'm not talking about. So an important part of my Step Ten self-searching comes from taking S seriously when she thinks something is going on with me and making the effort to figure out what it is.
Accepting and admitting what we find in our self-searching is a significant part of staying clean and sober and growing in our recovery. Accepting and admitting what we find when we look at our primary relationship clearly and comprehensively is also a significant part of maintaining a satisfying relationship. Over and over again I see couples whose relationship has become very unhappy and unsatisfactory because one or both partners wasn't willing to accept the problems that were developing or wasn't willing to admit their part in creating those problems. When we refuse to admit and accept the difficulties that have arisen in our relationship, we stop living in the present moment and get caught in unresolved feelings from the past. As a result, the relationship is no longer "current," and future difficulties stir up angry, disappointing feelings left over from unresolved difficulties of the past.
Step Ten also contributes to the maintenance of our relationships by pushing us to make a persistent effort to correct what is wrong. The key word here is "persistent." Some relationship problems are easily and quickly resolved, but many of them seem to come back again and again. In fact, John Gottman says that almost 60% of the problems couples encounter are "perpetual," never fully and finally resolved. But successful couples are willing to work with such problems repeatedly, often finding a partial or momentary solution that allows their relationship to remain current. He also discovered that a sense of humor was the best tool of all when it comes to dealing with such kinds of problems.
Finally, spending time together is of the essence if you wish to keep your intimate relationship in excellent health. Many years ago I saw a videotape of a marriage counselor who said that couples need an hour a day of direct contact with each other in order to stay connected. That hour can be broken up into 10 or 15 minute segments, but the critical thing is that partners be fully engaged with each other during those times. He went on to say that during the early years of his marriage, when he was working full-time, attending graduate school in the evenings full-time, and he and his wife were parenting 3 kids under the age of 5, they would hire a babysitter on Friday nites and go out on a date from 7 pm until 2 am, thereby getting in 7 hours of direct contact for the week in one evening. He said he doubted the marriage would have survived their extremely busy schedule if they had not made such an arrangement for the two years he was in graduate school. I concur with the need to make spending time together a top priority; if you don't, your relationship will seriously suffer and likely die.
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