Abuse and abandonment are fairly obvious relationships defects. But there are several less obvious defects that are quite damaging to the health of a close relationship. Marital researcher, John Gottman, has discovered four behaviors, which he has dubbed the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which usually lead to the demise of a relationship if left uncorrected. These four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Gottman distinguishes criticism from complaints. Criticism is a negative comment about who a person is while complaint is a negative comment about a particular behavior at a particular time. Criticism is almost always detrimental to a relationship, but complaints are essential to the well-being of a relationship because they identify problems which must be solved. Criticism usually begins with the word "you" and goes on to make some negative statement about the (usually bad) kind of person "you" are. Complaints are more likely to begin with the word "I" and go on to make a statement about my feelings in response to a particular behavior in a specific situation. Criticism frequently uses the words "always" and "never," while complaints are about specific incidents.
Perhaps the most important thing about criticism is that it rarely works, at least not in a way that solves problems or deepens understanding. Usually it evokes anger and the second of the Four Horsemen, defensiveness, in the recipient. Feeling the victim, a partner on the receiving end of criticism is likely to respond by denying responsibility, making excuses, countering with a criticism, using a "yes-but" statement, whining, or several other behaviors which avoid taking any responsibility for the problem. But defensiveness works no better than criticism in resolving conflict; instead it usually just intensifies the conflict, leaving both partners angry and disheartened.
When a relationship is filled with these two defects, criticism and defensiveness, it is only a matter of time before the other two defects, contempt and stonewalling, show up. Contempt is about intentionally trying to insult or emotionally abuse a partner. Contempt comes out of feeling disgust for the other person, out of seeing that person as stupid, incompetent, or a fool. Name-calling, mockery, hostile sarcasm all convey a stance that says "I see no positive qualities in you, I have no respect for you." It is always accompanied by a sneer, although the sneer may be so fleeting that it isn't seen; nonetheless, it certainly is felt.
When a relationship is filled with contemptuous remarks and behaviors, it is in very poor shape. It isn't long before one of the partners, more often the male in a close relationship, moves to a posture of stonewalling. As the word implies, the partner becomes a stone wall, sitting or standing with folded arms and a hostile gaze, but saying nothing. The person's entire demeanor is meant to convey "I'm not listening to anything you say!" Often the stonewalling comes to an end with an enraged "Screw you!" or something similar and an abrupt stalking out of the room.
When couples find themselves in an endless cycle of negativity filled with contempt and stonewalling, they begin to avoid each other as much as possible, living increasingly separate lives. Affairs are quite common when this point has been reached. Sometimes couples will stay together in this emotionally distant place for years "because of the kids" or because neither of them wants to take the responsibility for ending the marriage. Then everyone, the couple, their children, their families, and their close friends all suffer.
Certainly we have all seen or, at least, heard about these kinds of relationships too many times in 12-Step meetings. Often people in meetings talk about the problems in their relationship being caused by too much conflict. They imagine that a good relationship is one free of arguments and disagreements. Gottman's research shows this is not the case. There are happy, thriving relationships in which partners argue loudly and often; while there are unhappy, miserable relationships in which partners rarely express an angry word. It is not the frequency or intensity of conflict that determines whether a relationship will be satisfying or unsatisfying; rather, it is the ratio of how much positive interaction occurs between two people compared to how much negative interaction they experience. In his close study of hundreds of videotapes of couple interactions, Gottman found that there were always just about five positive interactions for every negative one in happy couples; while in unhappy couples, that ratio was about one positive for every negative. In other words, the power of relationship defects is so great that it takes a considerable amount of positive behaviors to overcome them. Becoming ready to have a Higher Power remove these defective behaviors is essential for the healing and long-term health of all relationships in recovery.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Step Six, Part One--Relationship Defects, Part One
Just as it is vital for us to become aware of our individual character defects if we are to recover from drug addiction, so is it essential for us to realize the nature of the defects in our closest relationships if we wish them to recover from the damage done by addiction and to thrive in recovery. During the last ten years, marital researchers, particularly John Gottman, have identified a number of behaviors that are highly damaging to the health and long-term viability of close relationships. I will outline the relationship defects that are the most harmful to mutual satisfaction in intimate relationships.
At the top of the list is abuse, both physical and emotional. Physical abuse is always toxic to the well-being of any relationship. Hitting, slapping, tripping, pinching, etc., are always destructive, causing both pain and distrust. There is no justification for any kind of physical abuse. If you or your partner or both of you cannot avoid physically abusive behavior, either the guilty party learns and applies the basics of anger management or you need to live separately from each other until this is no longer a problem. If the abuser will not change, the relationship should not continue.
Emotional abuse is also intolerable to the well-being of a close relationship. Threatening, raging, sexual put-downs, and other emotionally abusive behaviors have no place in a recovering relationship. They destroy any possibility of developing a sense of safety and trust in the relationship. Again, if one or both partners cannot stop themselves from engaging in this kind of behavior, then learning and using the tools of anger management is imperative. It is also important to pay attention to HALT and take steps to address these issues before they escalate into emotionally abusive behavior.
Abandonment is another very serious relationship defect. Running away, disappearing for an extended period of time without informing your partner of your whereabouts, storming out in anger with no word about when you will return, and other forms of physical abandonment seriously undermine your partner's sense of security and well-being in the relationship. Sexual infidelity is another form of abandonment, but it is such a huge issue that I want to address it in another post.
Threatening to leave a relationship is yet another type of abandonment. If it is used to control, manipulate, or retaliate against a partner, threatening to leave also seriously undermines a partner's sense of feeling securely attached in the relationship. When partners have insecure attachment disorders, which is true for the majority of us in recovery, such threats immediately activate either withdrawal behaviors if we are avoidantly attached or anxious demands for reassurance if we have a preoccupied attachment style (see my post of 5/9/07).
On the other hand, a straightforward statement of a desire to leave the relationship if things don't change is an appropriate behavior when we know we no longer wish to remain in the relationship unless there are major changes. We are putting our partner on notice that the statusquo is no longer acceptable and letting him or her know the depth of our dissatisfaction. But this kind of announcement should occur well before we have already made the decision to leave the relationship. It is unfair and unkind to put our partner on notice when it is already too late for him or her to do anything about it.
At the top of the list is abuse, both physical and emotional. Physical abuse is always toxic to the well-being of any relationship. Hitting, slapping, tripping, pinching, etc., are always destructive, causing both pain and distrust. There is no justification for any kind of physical abuse. If you or your partner or both of you cannot avoid physically abusive behavior, either the guilty party learns and applies the basics of anger management or you need to live separately from each other until this is no longer a problem. If the abuser will not change, the relationship should not continue.
Emotional abuse is also intolerable to the well-being of a close relationship. Threatening, raging, sexual put-downs, and other emotionally abusive behaviors have no place in a recovering relationship. They destroy any possibility of developing a sense of safety and trust in the relationship. Again, if one or both partners cannot stop themselves from engaging in this kind of behavior, then learning and using the tools of anger management is imperative. It is also important to pay attention to HALT and take steps to address these issues before they escalate into emotionally abusive behavior.
Abandonment is another very serious relationship defect. Running away, disappearing for an extended period of time without informing your partner of your whereabouts, storming out in anger with no word about when you will return, and other forms of physical abandonment seriously undermine your partner's sense of security and well-being in the relationship. Sexual infidelity is another form of abandonment, but it is such a huge issue that I want to address it in another post.
Threatening to leave a relationship is yet another type of abandonment. If it is used to control, manipulate, or retaliate against a partner, threatening to leave also seriously undermines a partner's sense of feeling securely attached in the relationship. When partners have insecure attachment disorders, which is true for the majority of us in recovery, such threats immediately activate either withdrawal behaviors if we are avoidantly attached or anxious demands for reassurance if we have a preoccupied attachment style (see my post of 5/9/07).
On the other hand, a straightforward statement of a desire to leave the relationship if things don't change is an appropriate behavior when we know we no longer wish to remain in the relationship unless there are major changes. We are putting our partner on notice that the statusquo is no longer acceptable and letting him or her know the depth of our dissatisfaction. But this kind of announcement should occur well before we have already made the decision to leave the relationship. It is unfair and unkind to put our partner on notice when it is already too late for him or her to do anything about it.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Step Five, Part Three---Benefits
There are so many positive benefits for your relationship in doing a Fifth Step. The following quotes are a sample of what some of the recovery literature promises------
For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
This vital step was also the means by which we began to get the feeling we could be forgiven, no matter what we had thought or done. Often...we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Another great dividend...is humility----a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
More realism and therefore more honesty about ourselves are great gains we make under the influence of Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Letting go of shame and grief.
Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous
Somehow by just talking aloud about my wrongs 90% of the wrongful behavior disappeared.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
I felt the weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
This vital step was also the means by which we began to get the feeling we could be forgiven, no matter what we had thought or done. Often...we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Another great dividend...is humility----a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
More realism and therefore more honesty about ourselves are great gains we make under the influence of Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Letting go of shame and grief.
Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous
Somehow by just talking aloud about my wrongs 90% of the wrongful behavior disappeared.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
I felt the weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Step Five, Part Two---Sober Speech
Sober speech is mindful speech--embodying both truth and usefulness and expressed in a way and at a time that it can be heard. This last point necessarily involves whether to speak, as well as when and how. In many instances, wise speech/sober speech requires no speech at all. When our words would be untrue or frivolous or harmful, we are better not to speak.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
After doing my Fifth Step with my sponsor, I shared what I had written with S. Since nearly all of my inventory applied to the years before I met S, when I was still drinking and using, it was a useful thing to do for our relationship. It gave S a clear picture of the person I had been before recovery and it strengthened the intimate connection between us. Although there were parts of my inventory that she hadn't known before, none of those parts related to our relationship.
Several years later, S and I were invited to conduct a weekend workshop for recovering professionals and their partners. Some of them had less than six months recovery, while others had been clean and sober for 20 years or more. S and I decided to talk about how couples could use the 12 Steps as a way of helping their recovery as a couple.
When we came to the Fifth Step, I related my story about sharing my Fourth Step inventory with S. A distinct chill enveloped the room, and we could almost hear a collective gasp when we suggested to these couples that they might do something like that. Clearly that was a very frightening prospect, particularly for the people in the room who had less than a year of recovery.
We realized at that moment that it was one thing for me to share the fruits of my inventory with S because virtually none of it pertained to our years together, but it was a much different story for couples who had been together during all the years of active alcoholism and addiction. For those couples, there were bound to be things they had done that were detrimental to the relationship which they had kept secret from their partners. Confiding the results of a searching and fearless individual moral inventory could easily blow the relationship out of the water.
And yet, as indicated in my previous post, keeping secrets seriously interferes with trust and intimacy in the relationship. As long as we refrain from telling our partner all the harmful, unskilled things we did before recovery, we are left with that fear of discovery and the weight of self-hatred Kevin Griffin mentioned. We are unlikely to allow ourselves to be fully open and vulnerable in the relationship. Our partners will be unable to trust us completely.
So what to do? Laura S in the quote at the beginning of this post provides some guidelines for Fifth Step work with a partner. First, painful information should be shared in a way that it can be heard. This means taking full responsibility for our behavior without justifying it or blaming it on someone or something else. It also means telling it in a clear and succinct manner---there is no need for elaborate stories or explanations.
Second, timing is all. Until both partners have established a solid foundation of recovery, talking about behavior harmful to the partner and/or the relationship is usually going to make things worse. Good timing also applies to finding a time when there are no serious distractions and there is as much time available as necessary.
Finally, there is the issue of harm. Certainly revealing something completely unsuspected by your partner is likely to be harmful both to your partner and to the relationship. But this is a tricky one because we alcoholics and addicts have repeatedly found that others have known or suspected things we have done which we believed were entirely secret. We need to examine whether our unwillingness to be forthright because of the "harm" it might cause our partner is really just an excuse to avoid our partner's anger and unhappiness with our behavior.
Nonetheless, we must pay attention to traumatizing or re-traumatizing our partner by our revelations. Hearing about infidelity is almost always traumatic for a partner. This is true even when a partner knows the infidelity has happened. It is important to keep in mind that hearing intimate details about the where, when, and what of sexual acting out are particularly upsetting; so unless a partner is adamant that she or he needs to know such information in order to "deal with it", there is no need to go into such detail during a Fifth Step with a partner.
Based on my personal and professional experience, relationships are more frequently harmed by secrecy than by revelations. Probably the most useful thing to do in deciding whether admitting something will truly be harmful to a partner and/or the relationship is to consult with someone in the program who seems to have a healthy, satisfying relationship in recovery.
Last of all, I suggested in an earlier post that it is helpful for couples to do an inventory of their relationship as well as individual inventories. It's hard to imagine there could be anything in such an inventory that is unknown and potentially harmful to one of the partners. So sober speech in this kind of inventory means avoiding the use of words that are untrue or frivolous.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
After doing my Fifth Step with my sponsor, I shared what I had written with S. Since nearly all of my inventory applied to the years before I met S, when I was still drinking and using, it was a useful thing to do for our relationship. It gave S a clear picture of the person I had been before recovery and it strengthened the intimate connection between us. Although there were parts of my inventory that she hadn't known before, none of those parts related to our relationship.
Several years later, S and I were invited to conduct a weekend workshop for recovering professionals and their partners. Some of them had less than six months recovery, while others had been clean and sober for 20 years or more. S and I decided to talk about how couples could use the 12 Steps as a way of helping their recovery as a couple.
When we came to the Fifth Step, I related my story about sharing my Fourth Step inventory with S. A distinct chill enveloped the room, and we could almost hear a collective gasp when we suggested to these couples that they might do something like that. Clearly that was a very frightening prospect, particularly for the people in the room who had less than a year of recovery.
We realized at that moment that it was one thing for me to share the fruits of my inventory with S because virtually none of it pertained to our years together, but it was a much different story for couples who had been together during all the years of active alcoholism and addiction. For those couples, there were bound to be things they had done that were detrimental to the relationship which they had kept secret from their partners. Confiding the results of a searching and fearless individual moral inventory could easily blow the relationship out of the water.
And yet, as indicated in my previous post, keeping secrets seriously interferes with trust and intimacy in the relationship. As long as we refrain from telling our partner all the harmful, unskilled things we did before recovery, we are left with that fear of discovery and the weight of self-hatred Kevin Griffin mentioned. We are unlikely to allow ourselves to be fully open and vulnerable in the relationship. Our partners will be unable to trust us completely.
So what to do? Laura S in the quote at the beginning of this post provides some guidelines for Fifth Step work with a partner. First, painful information should be shared in a way that it can be heard. This means taking full responsibility for our behavior without justifying it or blaming it on someone or something else. It also means telling it in a clear and succinct manner---there is no need for elaborate stories or explanations.
Second, timing is all. Until both partners have established a solid foundation of recovery, talking about behavior harmful to the partner and/or the relationship is usually going to make things worse. Good timing also applies to finding a time when there are no serious distractions and there is as much time available as necessary.
Finally, there is the issue of harm. Certainly revealing something completely unsuspected by your partner is likely to be harmful both to your partner and to the relationship. But this is a tricky one because we alcoholics and addicts have repeatedly found that others have known or suspected things we have done which we believed were entirely secret. We need to examine whether our unwillingness to be forthright because of the "harm" it might cause our partner is really just an excuse to avoid our partner's anger and unhappiness with our behavior.
Nonetheless, we must pay attention to traumatizing or re-traumatizing our partner by our revelations. Hearing about infidelity is almost always traumatic for a partner. This is true even when a partner knows the infidelity has happened. It is important to keep in mind that hearing intimate details about the where, when, and what of sexual acting out are particularly upsetting; so unless a partner is adamant that she or he needs to know such information in order to "deal with it", there is no need to go into such detail during a Fifth Step with a partner.
Based on my personal and professional experience, relationships are more frequently harmed by secrecy than by revelations. Probably the most useful thing to do in deciding whether admitting something will truly be harmful to a partner and/or the relationship is to consult with someone in the program who seems to have a healthy, satisfying relationship in recovery.
Last of all, I suggested in an earlier post that it is helpful for couples to do an inventory of their relationship as well as individual inventories. It's hard to imagine there could be anything in such an inventory that is unknown and potentially harmful to one of the partners. So sober speech in this kind of inventory means avoiding the use of words that are untrue or frivolous.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Step Five,. Part One--Secrets
Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not to be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us.
Yet if AA's experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I felt a huge weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Ron and Cynthia were in for their last session with me a few days ago. They were so happy and delighted with their marriage and each other. They looked forward to a marriage based on trust and openness. Although they have been married nearly 30 years, they seemed more like newlyweds.
The state of their marriage wasn't nearly so positive six months ago. Ron, a recovering alcoholic and sex addict with several years of recovery, had held back the fact that he had been with another woman on the eve of their 25th anniversary. Although he had told Cynthia about this woman and other women as well when he was sharing his Fifth Step with her, he hadn't told Cynthia about this occasion because he felt so guilty about it and because he thought it would be "too hurtful" to Cynthia to learn where he had been the day before they left for a "honeymoon" trip to Hawaii to celebrate their anniversary.
Cynthia had suspected that Ron was holding something back. She pressed him about where he had been that night. Ron had insisted he was working late to get everything finished up before they left the next day. But Cynthia's gut told her that Ron wasn't being truthful, so she kept asking him to tell her where he had really been that night. Ron finally capitulated and told Cynthia the truth.
His holding back nearly destroyed the marriage. Cynthia, who had struggled to regain her emotional center and her trust in Ron after learning about his multiple affairs during his years of drinking, was devastated. She had known about Ron's sexual involvement with this woman, so it wasn't that information that was so upsetting to her. Instead it was the fact that Ron had continued to lie to her even after he supposedly had"come clean" when he shared his Fifth Step with her. She was in despair that she would ever be able to trust Ron to be completely open and honest with her.
To his credit, Ron did not try to defend himself and took full responsibility for holding back. He was able to acknowledge how much more hurtful to Cynthia it had been for him to lie about this incident rather than todisclose it to her. He accepted the fact that he was going to have to work hard to win back Cynthia's trust, that he was going to have to be rigorously honest in all his communication with her even if she might be angry or hurt by something he told her.
We spent many sessions during the past six months "processing" this incident. Gradually Cynthia came to believe that this really was Ron's last holdout, that he understood and empathized with how devastating it had been to her, and that he was committed to practicing the principle of rigorous honesty in their marriage. And
Ron saw his huge weight of self-hatred and fear of discovery lift and be replaced with a much deeper, more satisfying experience of intimate connection with Cynthia. They left their last session knowing that although there would be difficulties from time to time in their marriage, they could deal with those difficulties because there would be no secrets getting in the way of their resolution.
Yet if AA's experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I felt a huge weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Ron and Cynthia were in for their last session with me a few days ago. They were so happy and delighted with their marriage and each other. They looked forward to a marriage based on trust and openness. Although they have been married nearly 30 years, they seemed more like newlyweds.
The state of their marriage wasn't nearly so positive six months ago. Ron, a recovering alcoholic and sex addict with several years of recovery, had held back the fact that he had been with another woman on the eve of their 25th anniversary. Although he had told Cynthia about this woman and other women as well when he was sharing his Fifth Step with her, he hadn't told Cynthia about this occasion because he felt so guilty about it and because he thought it would be "too hurtful" to Cynthia to learn where he had been the day before they left for a "honeymoon" trip to Hawaii to celebrate their anniversary.
Cynthia had suspected that Ron was holding something back. She pressed him about where he had been that night. Ron had insisted he was working late to get everything finished up before they left the next day. But Cynthia's gut told her that Ron wasn't being truthful, so she kept asking him to tell her where he had really been that night. Ron finally capitulated and told Cynthia the truth.
His holding back nearly destroyed the marriage. Cynthia, who had struggled to regain her emotional center and her trust in Ron after learning about his multiple affairs during his years of drinking, was devastated. She had known about Ron's sexual involvement with this woman, so it wasn't that information that was so upsetting to her. Instead it was the fact that Ron had continued to lie to her even after he supposedly had"come clean" when he shared his Fifth Step with her. She was in despair that she would ever be able to trust Ron to be completely open and honest with her.
To his credit, Ron did not try to defend himself and took full responsibility for holding back. He was able to acknowledge how much more hurtful to Cynthia it had been for him to lie about this incident rather than todisclose it to her. He accepted the fact that he was going to have to work hard to win back Cynthia's trust, that he was going to have to be rigorously honest in all his communication with her even if she might be angry or hurt by something he told her.
We spent many sessions during the past six months "processing" this incident. Gradually Cynthia came to believe that this really was Ron's last holdout, that he understood and empathized with how devastating it had been to her, and that he was committed to practicing the principle of rigorous honesty in their marriage. And
Ron saw his huge weight of self-hatred and fear of discovery lift and be replaced with a much deeper, more satisfying experience of intimate connection with Cynthia. They left their last session knowing that although there would be difficulties from time to time in their marriage, they could deal with those difficulties because there would be no secrets getting in the way of their resolution.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Step Four, Part Three---Ego Deflation and Seeking Help
Over the years I have heard many people in 12-Step meetings talk about being stuck when they get to the Fourth Step. A majority of these folks are people who haven't found a sponsor or haven't found a sponsor with whom they feel comfortable and OK about being vulnerable. And being vulnerable is what the Fourth Step is all about.
As Kevin Griffin puts it in One Breath at a Time--
Delving into the past--the sordid past--and exploring all the ways that we have caused others and ourselves pain is devastating to the ego. Most of us find it possible to do this Step only with the help of a sponsor or other spiritual advisor and only after firmly committing ourselves to our spiritual growth (Step Three).
This is just as true for couples in recovery as it is for individuals. Trying to do an inventory of your behavior in your relationship and of the relationship itself brings up all kinds of difficult, painful feelings. It is asking too much of yourself and your partner to do this without help from a knowledgeable, sympathetic third party. This is especially true if, as is frequently the case, you haven't made the decision to work the Steps on your relationship until it is in full-blown crisis (usually when you or your partner has announced a desire to end it.)
There are two good sources of help, one in the Program and one outside it. The source of help in the Program can be found by listening to the people in meetings who have at least 4 or 5 years of recovery and seem to be fairly happy in their close relationships. Although they acknowledge problems from time to time, since no relationship is ever perfect, they usually refer to their partner in a positive manner and refer to their relationship as a significant part of their recovery. These are the people who can advise and support you when you undertake a Fourth Step about your relationship.
Just as it isn't helpful to choose someone for a sponsor who has little time in recovery or has a history of repeated relapses, so it is not helpful to choose someone who is not in a committed relationship or who frequently complains about how impossible their partner is. Someone who has just separated or divorced is not likely to be a source of positive suggestions about how to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of your relationship and to take responsibility for your part in the relationship's problems. And someone who makes negative comments about members of other 12-Step programs (e.g.,, "she's an Ala-non, you know", said with a voice of contempt) or about "all" members of one gender (e.g., "men are so dumb") is not going to be someone who is going to guide you through the process of doing an inventory of your relationship in an evenhanded manner.
The other source of help in doing a relationship inventory is a professionally-trained marriage and family therapist/counselor. Most good marriage and family therapists see relationships from a systems point of view, which means they look at the big picture and do not assign blame primarily to one partner or the other for whatever problems the relationship has. Unfortunately, most marriage and family therapists do not know a great deal about addiction and recovery unless they have had personal experience with it. So it is helpful and legitimate to inquire of any professional whose help you seek how much they know about addiction and recovery and what is the level of experience they have had in working with people in recovery.
Finally, finding appropriate help with the Fourth Step sometimes means giving up your own efforts when you seem to keep hitting a dead end and trusting that your Higher Power will reveal the appropriate person when you are ready. Or as is often said in Zen Buddhist circles, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."
As Kevin Griffin puts it in One Breath at a Time--
Delving into the past--the sordid past--and exploring all the ways that we have caused others and ourselves pain is devastating to the ego. Most of us find it possible to do this Step only with the help of a sponsor or other spiritual advisor and only after firmly committing ourselves to our spiritual growth (Step Three).
This is just as true for couples in recovery as it is for individuals. Trying to do an inventory of your behavior in your relationship and of the relationship itself brings up all kinds of difficult, painful feelings. It is asking too much of yourself and your partner to do this without help from a knowledgeable, sympathetic third party. This is especially true if, as is frequently the case, you haven't made the decision to work the Steps on your relationship until it is in full-blown crisis (usually when you or your partner has announced a desire to end it.)
There are two good sources of help, one in the Program and one outside it. The source of help in the Program can be found by listening to the people in meetings who have at least 4 or 5 years of recovery and seem to be fairly happy in their close relationships. Although they acknowledge problems from time to time, since no relationship is ever perfect, they usually refer to their partner in a positive manner and refer to their relationship as a significant part of their recovery. These are the people who can advise and support you when you undertake a Fourth Step about your relationship.
Just as it isn't helpful to choose someone for a sponsor who has little time in recovery or has a history of repeated relapses, so it is not helpful to choose someone who is not in a committed relationship or who frequently complains about how impossible their partner is. Someone who has just separated or divorced is not likely to be a source of positive suggestions about how to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of your relationship and to take responsibility for your part in the relationship's problems. And someone who makes negative comments about members of other 12-Step programs (e.g.,, "she's an Ala-non, you know", said with a voice of contempt) or about "all" members of one gender (e.g., "men are so dumb") is not going to be someone who is going to guide you through the process of doing an inventory of your relationship in an evenhanded manner.
The other source of help in doing a relationship inventory is a professionally-trained marriage and family therapist/counselor. Most good marriage and family therapists see relationships from a systems point of view, which means they look at the big picture and do not assign blame primarily to one partner or the other for whatever problems the relationship has. Unfortunately, most marriage and family therapists do not know a great deal about addiction and recovery unless they have had personal experience with it. So it is helpful and legitimate to inquire of any professional whose help you seek how much they know about addiction and recovery and what is the level of experience they have had in working with people in recovery.
Finally, finding appropriate help with the Fourth Step sometimes means giving up your own efforts when you seem to keep hitting a dead end and trusting that your Higher Power will reveal the appropriate person when you are ready. Or as is often said in Zen Buddhist circles, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Step Four, Part Two---Taking Responsibility
We also clutch at another wonderful excuse for avoiding an inventory. Our present anxieties and troubles, we cry, are caused by the behavior of other people--people who really need a moral inventory. We firmly believe that if only they'd treat us better, we'd be all right. Therefore we think our indignation is justified and reasonable--that our resentments are the "right kind." We aren't the guilty ones. They are!
12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 45-46
I talked to an old client last evening whom I hadn't seen in more than a year since she and her husband ended their marital counseling with me. Jane and John had begun seeing me because John was so dissatisfied with Jane. He wanted to live in the city, but couldn't afford it because their income didn't qualify them for the rapidly increasing price of housing in the trendy areas of town---he was unhappy that Jane, who was struggling with significant health problems, didn't make enough money. He complained that Jane no longer kept their home as clean and tidy as she had before her health problems developed. As far as he was concerned, the marriage would be just fine if Jane would deal with "her issues."
John acknowledged that he "sometimes" drank too much and behaved badly when he did, but blamed these incidents on his unhappiness with Jane. He also admitted that he was unhappy with his job and seemed to have advanced as far up the corporate ladder as he was going to, but was not willing to find another job and give up his stock options even though they had been "under water" for a long time.
Despite John's unwillingness to take responsibility for his part of the marital problems, the marriage improved enough as Jane's health and energy returned for them to decide they no longer needed to continue marital counseling. In the phone call yesterday, Jane told me she had fully regained her health, her business had prospered, and she and John had purchased a lovely new townhouse in the trendiest area of the city. But she was calling to tell me that she and John had separated because John was saying he "needed some space."
Jane tried to persuade John to return to marital counseling with me, but he refused saying he felt I had "taken Jane's side" during our work together. If he consented to do any marital counseling, it would have to be with someone who didn't want to talk about his drinking and the effect it had on him and the marriage. As far as he is concerned, it is still Jane's "issues" that are the cause of his unhappiness and the reason for the separation.
Over and over again, I find that the couples who come to see me and who make real progress are the ones in which both partners take responsibility for difficulties in the relationship. Conversely, when one or both partners keep focusing on what their partner is doing and how their partner needs to deal with his/her "issues," there is never any genuine, lasting improvement in the relationship. Either there is a temporary improvement because the circumstances in one partner's life change, as was the case with John and Jane, or the couple decides that counseling isn't working and it's time to quit.
One of the major reasons that I so strongly support both partners being involved in 12-Step programs in recovery is the program's insistence that we take our own inventory and accept responsibility for our own unskillful actions and attitudes while refraining from taking our partner's inventory. Just as willingness to take responsibility for our own behavior is the key to our sobriety, so also is it the key to a happy relationship. When both partners can move away from the stance that "I am not the guilty one; he/she is!", then they really can undo the wreckage of the past and move on to a much more satisfying relationship.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 45-46
I talked to an old client last evening whom I hadn't seen in more than a year since she and her husband ended their marital counseling with me. Jane and John had begun seeing me because John was so dissatisfied with Jane. He wanted to live in the city, but couldn't afford it because their income didn't qualify them for the rapidly increasing price of housing in the trendy areas of town---he was unhappy that Jane, who was struggling with significant health problems, didn't make enough money. He complained that Jane no longer kept their home as clean and tidy as she had before her health problems developed. As far as he was concerned, the marriage would be just fine if Jane would deal with "her issues."
John acknowledged that he "sometimes" drank too much and behaved badly when he did, but blamed these incidents on his unhappiness with Jane. He also admitted that he was unhappy with his job and seemed to have advanced as far up the corporate ladder as he was going to, but was not willing to find another job and give up his stock options even though they had been "under water" for a long time.
Despite John's unwillingness to take responsibility for his part of the marital problems, the marriage improved enough as Jane's health and energy returned for them to decide they no longer needed to continue marital counseling. In the phone call yesterday, Jane told me she had fully regained her health, her business had prospered, and she and John had purchased a lovely new townhouse in the trendiest area of the city. But she was calling to tell me that she and John had separated because John was saying he "needed some space."
Jane tried to persuade John to return to marital counseling with me, but he refused saying he felt I had "taken Jane's side" during our work together. If he consented to do any marital counseling, it would have to be with someone who didn't want to talk about his drinking and the effect it had on him and the marriage. As far as he is concerned, it is still Jane's "issues" that are the cause of his unhappiness and the reason for the separation.
Over and over again, I find that the couples who come to see me and who make real progress are the ones in which both partners take responsibility for difficulties in the relationship. Conversely, when one or both partners keep focusing on what their partner is doing and how their partner needs to deal with his/her "issues," there is never any genuine, lasting improvement in the relationship. Either there is a temporary improvement because the circumstances in one partner's life change, as was the case with John and Jane, or the couple decides that counseling isn't working and it's time to quit.
One of the major reasons that I so strongly support both partners being involved in 12-Step programs in recovery is the program's insistence that we take our own inventory and accept responsibility for our own unskillful actions and attitudes while refraining from taking our partner's inventory. Just as willingness to take responsibility for our own behavior is the key to our sobriety, so also is it the key to a happy relationship. When both partners can move away from the stance that "I am not the guilty one; he/she is!", then they really can undo the wreckage of the past and move on to a much more satisfying relationship.
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