Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other couples, and to practice these principles in all aspects of our lives, our relationships, and our families.
Step Twelve, Recovering Couples Anonymous
In 12-Step meetings we share our experience, strength, and hope about our recovery as a way of carrying the message about recovery from addiction to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers. By telling our story of what our life was like before we stopped drinking and using and what our life has become in recovery, we let newcomers know there is a solution to the problem of addiction and we support each other to remain committed to recovery.
I wish there were more willingness among those of us in good relationships to share the experience, strength, and hope about this part of recovery. What I have heard in meetings about relationships tends to be either how difficult and unhappy they are or a general statement about being in a good relationship without any details about what makes the relationship a good one or what the person has done to get to that place. I think it would be helpful if those of us in happy, loving relationships were more willing to talk about what we have learned and what we have done in recovery to develop and maintain such relationships.
This is an important way of carrying the message to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers because almost all of us are either in fairly dysfunctional relationships or no relationship before we surrender and begin the process of recovery. It is so helpful when we are struggling with that First Step and the implications it has for our lives to hear people talk about the possibility of being in a truly loving relationship when clean and sober.
It is also an important way of carrying the message to those of us in recovery who are struggling to learn what a healthy relationship is and how to go about achieving it. Sharing this kind of information is vital to our sobriety, because failed or failing relationships are one of the primary reasons people relapse or continue to be unhappy even though they are clean and sober. It is also vital to the health of our relationship because it helps remind us of the ongoing effort we must make to maintain the open, positive relationship with our partner that we treasure and that contributes so deeply to our continued sobriety.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Step Twelve, Part One---A Spiritual Awakening
When a man or a woman has a spiritual awakening, the most important meaning of it is that he has now become able to do, feel, and believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being. ... In a very real sense he has been transformed.... He finds himself in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind, and love of which he had thought himself quite incapable.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
One of the things most of us alcoholics and addicts could not do on our own before recovery was to be in a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. Most of us grew up in families that were fairly dysfunctional---if there was not outright violence and emotional abuse and/or abandonment, there was usually an atmosphere of tension and unhappiness in our childhood home. At least that's been my observation as I've listened to people talk about their childhood in 12-Step meetings or in my office. As a result, when we become adults and enter into relationships we usually bring a number of dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors to our partnerships.
When we first get into recovery, we tend to point to our addictions as the source of all our relationship problems. But as we acquire time in recovery, many of us discover that we are still encountering a good deal of difficulty in our closest relationships. Even when we have some time in the program and have diligently worked the steps, we often still find ourselves in an unsatisfactory relationship with our partner. If we are able to avoid placing the blame for this state of affairs on our partner (or on ourselves as "f**ked up" alcoholic/addicts) and take responsibility for understanding and correcting the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors we learned while we were growing up, then with a strong commitment to change and the hard work that entails we are likely to find the happiness and satisfaction in our intimate relationships that we have always longed for.
I believe the kind of spiritual awakening described in the 12x12 is essential for anyone who wishes to be in a healthy, functional close relationship. The qualities listed in the quote at the beginning of this post are the qualities that are necessary to make relationships work well. There is a growing body of marital/couple research that demonstrates how vital honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind and love are to the well-being of a relationship. When those qualities are absent, intimate relationships inevitably deteriorate over time, ending either in separation and divorce or a miserable, distant relationship in which partners increasingly move to live separate, parallel lives while still living together.
The spiritual awakening created by working the Steps and the personal qualities engendered by that awakening will not in themselves bring about a loving, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. They are necessary, but not sufficient since most of us will have a lot of work to do to change the dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors we learned in childhood. But those qualities will give us the ability and the strength to look at these issues, to acknowledge how our childhood experience has negatively affected our ability to be loving partners, and to persevere in our efforts to adopt healthier beliefs and actions in our relationships.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
One of the things most of us alcoholics and addicts could not do on our own before recovery was to be in a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. Most of us grew up in families that were fairly dysfunctional---if there was not outright violence and emotional abuse and/or abandonment, there was usually an atmosphere of tension and unhappiness in our childhood home. At least that's been my observation as I've listened to people talk about their childhood in 12-Step meetings or in my office. As a result, when we become adults and enter into relationships we usually bring a number of dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors to our partnerships.
When we first get into recovery, we tend to point to our addictions as the source of all our relationship problems. But as we acquire time in recovery, many of us discover that we are still encountering a good deal of difficulty in our closest relationships. Even when we have some time in the program and have diligently worked the steps, we often still find ourselves in an unsatisfactory relationship with our partner. If we are able to avoid placing the blame for this state of affairs on our partner (or on ourselves as "f**ked up" alcoholic/addicts) and take responsibility for understanding and correcting the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors we learned while we were growing up, then with a strong commitment to change and the hard work that entails we are likely to find the happiness and satisfaction in our intimate relationships that we have always longed for.
I believe the kind of spiritual awakening described in the 12x12 is essential for anyone who wishes to be in a healthy, functional close relationship. The qualities listed in the quote at the beginning of this post are the qualities that are necessary to make relationships work well. There is a growing body of marital/couple research that demonstrates how vital honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind and love are to the well-being of a relationship. When those qualities are absent, intimate relationships inevitably deteriorate over time, ending either in separation and divorce or a miserable, distant relationship in which partners increasingly move to live separate, parallel lives while still living together.
The spiritual awakening created by working the Steps and the personal qualities engendered by that awakening will not in themselves bring about a loving, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. They are necessary, but not sufficient since most of us will have a lot of work to do to change the dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors we learned in childhood. But those qualities will give us the ability and the strength to look at these issues, to acknowledge how our childhood experience has negatively affected our ability to be loving partners, and to persevere in our efforts to adopt healthier beliefs and actions in our relationships.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Step Eleven, Part Four---Our Common Prayer and Meditation
We sought through our common prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for his will for us and the power to carry that out.
Step Eleven, Recovering Couples Anonymous
One of the things that attracted me to S and S to me was our joint excitement about following a spiritual path in recovery. We spent many hours during the first few years of our relationship talking about our spiritual experiences and reading to each other things that inspired us in the spiritual books we were reading. Over the years we have attended first church and then a Buddhist sangha together. About ten years ago I suggested we pray out loud together at night just before going to sleep, and we have done that virtually every night since except when we are not together because one of us is away. During the past year we have begun trying to meditate 30 minutes together as many mornings as we are able.
There is no question in my mind that our spiritual life together has been a core piece of our deep bond with each other. There is also no question in my mind that all our talking and joint spiritual practices have been central to my recovery and to the spiritual awakening that Step Twelve promises will occur as a result of following the Steps. I am so grateful that we have this fundamental spiritual bond with each other, a bond which has only become stronger as the years have passed. It is the most powerful evidence we have that our relationship is God's will for us.
Step Eleven, Recovering Couples Anonymous
One of the things that attracted me to S and S to me was our joint excitement about following a spiritual path in recovery. We spent many hours during the first few years of our relationship talking about our spiritual experiences and reading to each other things that inspired us in the spiritual books we were reading. Over the years we have attended first church and then a Buddhist sangha together. About ten years ago I suggested we pray out loud together at night just before going to sleep, and we have done that virtually every night since except when we are not together because one of us is away. During the past year we have begun trying to meditate 30 minutes together as many mornings as we are able.
There is no question in my mind that our spiritual life together has been a core piece of our deep bond with each other. There is also no question in my mind that all our talking and joint spiritual practices have been central to my recovery and to the spiritual awakening that Step Twelve promises will occur as a result of following the Steps. I am so grateful that we have this fundamental spiritual bond with each other, a bond which has only become stronger as the years have passed. It is the most powerful evidence we have that our relationship is God's will for us.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Step Eleven, Part Three---Conscious Contact
In my experience, the emotional reactivity does not stop. We're not talking about getting rid of the experience of getting hooked. We're talking about when you get hooked, what do you do next?
As you're acting, you could ask, "Have I ever responded in this way before?" If the answer is, "yes, I always respond this way. This movie is a rerun," then you're acting unconsciously. You aren't even acknowledging that you're doing it again and getting the same result.
Pema Chodron, "Choosing Peace" in Shambhala Sun, November, 2007
In her article about "Choosing Peace" Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, writes about how often we find ourselves wanting to "settle the score" when someone has done something that upsets us. We want them to feel what we have felt, and we believe we can do that by paying them back, by "getting even." But retaliating in this way never makes things even, it only makes things worse. Unfortunately, one of the places we are most likely to yield to our emotional reactivity is in our intimate close relationships because that is the place where we are most vulnerable and most likely to feel hurt by what the other person has said or done.
Meditation is a very useful tool for learning to be less reactive in these kinds of situations. In meditation we can observe our feelings and our reactions without acting on them in the moment. As we do so over time, we gradually learn to detach a bit from our powerful emotions and our impulse to act on them. As Pema Chodron says, it's not that we can avoid being hooked by situations, but we can create enough conscious awareness of how we are feeling and what our usual automatic reaction is to that feeling to be able to make a choice about how we're going to respond. Being able to make a choice about our behavior means that we are also in a position to think about what the consequences will be for our relationship if our choice is based on trying to settle the score, on retaliating in an attempt to get even.
Step Eleven talks about using prayer and meditation as a means of increasing our conscious contact with our Higher Power in order to be clearer about what our Higher Power's will is for us. In our relationships I believe our Higher Power wants us to develop a kind, loving and compassionate heart which is open to our partner's needs and well-being. Using meditation as a tool to become less reactive when we are angry and/or hurt in our relationship is certainly one of the ways we can use meditation as a means of carrying out God's will for us.
As you're acting, you could ask, "Have I ever responded in this way before?" If the answer is, "yes, I always respond this way. This movie is a rerun," then you're acting unconsciously. You aren't even acknowledging that you're doing it again and getting the same result.
Pema Chodron, "Choosing Peace" in Shambhala Sun, November, 2007
In her article about "Choosing Peace" Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, writes about how often we find ourselves wanting to "settle the score" when someone has done something that upsets us. We want them to feel what we have felt, and we believe we can do that by paying them back, by "getting even." But retaliating in this way never makes things even, it only makes things worse. Unfortunately, one of the places we are most likely to yield to our emotional reactivity is in our intimate close relationships because that is the place where we are most vulnerable and most likely to feel hurt by what the other person has said or done.
Meditation is a very useful tool for learning to be less reactive in these kinds of situations. In meditation we can observe our feelings and our reactions without acting on them in the moment. As we do so over time, we gradually learn to detach a bit from our powerful emotions and our impulse to act on them. As Pema Chodron says, it's not that we can avoid being hooked by situations, but we can create enough conscious awareness of how we are feeling and what our usual automatic reaction is to that feeling to be able to make a choice about how we're going to respond. Being able to make a choice about our behavior means that we are also in a position to think about what the consequences will be for our relationship if our choice is based on trying to settle the score, on retaliating in an attempt to get even.
Step Eleven talks about using prayer and meditation as a means of increasing our conscious contact with our Higher Power in order to be clearer about what our Higher Power's will is for us. In our relationships I believe our Higher Power wants us to develop a kind, loving and compassionate heart which is open to our partner's needs and well-being. Using meditation as a tool to become less reactive when we are angry and/or hurt in our relationship is certainly one of the ways we can use meditation as a means of carrying out God's will for us.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Step Eleven, Part Two---Listening
Meditation for me became "listening" not just to the Group of Drunks but also to all the beings I came into contact with--human or otherwise--and to myself. An important part of "improving" this "conscious contact" was to listen, or try to directly experience, each contact in the moment and without old stories, without projections into the past or future.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Kate left a frantic message on my answering machine that she and Joe needed to see me ASAP because Joe had told her he was seriously thinking of separating. When they arrived in my office two days later, Joe was visibly agitated. He began the session by saying, "I can't take this any longer! I know I'm supposed to stay on my side of the street and work my program, but I just can't deal with Kate anymore!" With that Joe, who has about six years of recovery from a cocaine-alcohol-sexual addiction, lapsed into a hostile silence.
Kate immediately responded, "Oh, it's all my fault, isn't it! I'm the evil wife, the crazy bitch! But I'm not the one who ruined everything because of my drinking and drugging! I'm not the one who slept around with everyone while my spouse struggled to keep things together!" And then Kate lapsed into a rageful silence of her own.
What a struggle it was to get them to start listening to each other's pain without angry attacks and defensive counter-criticism. It was clear that Joe and Kate had stopped listening to each other a long time ago, long before Joe acknowledged his addictions and made a commitment to recovery. After a brief honeymoon of a few weeks when Joe stopped using and started going to AA and SA, both of them had gone back to their old pattern of Joe saying he couldn't stand Kate's treatment of him and Kate justifying her behavior by blasting Joe for what he had done to her. It was a predictable, never changing, and ultimately boring interaction that both of them were quite tired of, but neither could seem to let go of. It was Joe who was finally ready to throw in the towel and end this unhappy relationship.
It seems to me that the meditation part of Step Eleven is helpful not only for improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power, but is also a very useful tool for learning how to listen. First we learn to listen to the incessant chatter of our own minds and to notice the constant judging, complaining, wishing, and planning of our egos. We learn how to listen without being totally caught up in our ego's stories. As we begin to learn to detach from the ego's demand for attention and gratification, we also begin to learn how to listen to our partners without our old, habitual stories. We begin to learn how to be fully present in the present with our partners, letting go of our biased memories of the past and our distorted projections of the future. As a result we begin to experience more direct contact with our partners, hearing, seeing, and understanding them as they are in the moment and realizing they are much more complicated and filled with possibilities than we once believed.
If there is one piece of advice I would give to every couple as they embark on the path of recovery it would be to learn how to listen to each other with full attention and respect. That alone doesn't guarantee that the path will always be smooth and easy, but it does guarantee they will find it much easier to navigate their way around whatever obstacles they encounter on that path.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Kate left a frantic message on my answering machine that she and Joe needed to see me ASAP because Joe had told her he was seriously thinking of separating. When they arrived in my office two days later, Joe was visibly agitated. He began the session by saying, "I can't take this any longer! I know I'm supposed to stay on my side of the street and work my program, but I just can't deal with Kate anymore!" With that Joe, who has about six years of recovery from a cocaine-alcohol-sexual addiction, lapsed into a hostile silence.
Kate immediately responded, "Oh, it's all my fault, isn't it! I'm the evil wife, the crazy bitch! But I'm not the one who ruined everything because of my drinking and drugging! I'm not the one who slept around with everyone while my spouse struggled to keep things together!" And then Kate lapsed into a rageful silence of her own.
What a struggle it was to get them to start listening to each other's pain without angry attacks and defensive counter-criticism. It was clear that Joe and Kate had stopped listening to each other a long time ago, long before Joe acknowledged his addictions and made a commitment to recovery. After a brief honeymoon of a few weeks when Joe stopped using and started going to AA and SA, both of them had gone back to their old pattern of Joe saying he couldn't stand Kate's treatment of him and Kate justifying her behavior by blasting Joe for what he had done to her. It was a predictable, never changing, and ultimately boring interaction that both of them were quite tired of, but neither could seem to let go of. It was Joe who was finally ready to throw in the towel and end this unhappy relationship.
It seems to me that the meditation part of Step Eleven is helpful not only for improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power, but is also a very useful tool for learning how to listen. First we learn to listen to the incessant chatter of our own minds and to notice the constant judging, complaining, wishing, and planning of our egos. We learn how to listen without being totally caught up in our ego's stories. As we begin to learn to detach from the ego's demand for attention and gratification, we also begin to learn how to listen to our partners without our old, habitual stories. We begin to learn how to be fully present in the present with our partners, letting go of our biased memories of the past and our distorted projections of the future. As a result we begin to experience more direct contact with our partners, hearing, seeing, and understanding them as they are in the moment and realizing they are much more complicated and filled with possibilities than we once believed.
If there is one piece of advice I would give to every couple as they embark on the path of recovery it would be to learn how to listen to each other with full attention and respect. That alone doesn't guarantee that the path will always be smooth and easy, but it does guarantee they will find it much easier to navigate their way around whatever obstacles they encounter on that path.
Step Eleven, Part One---Self-Forgetting
He (St. Francis) hoped, God willing, that he might be able to find some of these treasures, too. This he would try to do by what he called self-forgetting. What did he mean by "self-forgetting" and how did he propose to accomplish that?
He thought it better to give comfort than to receive it; better to understand than to be understood; better to forgive than to be forgiven.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Learning the way of self-forgetting is a key aspect of learning how to create a happy, delightful relationship in recovery. Mary has been learning that way this past year. When she first came to see me, she was four months clean and sober. She spent most of her time in the beginning talking about how awful her life was---her ex-husband seemed to go out of his way to make her life miserable, her teenage sons chose to live with her ex and seemed to side with him, her job as a teacher was exhausting and filled with petty annoyances, and she felt tired much of the time. Mary had remarried, but she was disappointed that her new husband wasn't able to fix her problems and make life better.
As Mary attended AA meetings, worked the steps with her sponsor, and began to awaken spiritually, she realized that her new husband was suffering from problems in his life. Approaching 50, he began to develop some serious health issues at the same time that his company was downsizing, leaving him increasingly anxious about being laid off and uncertain about finding another comparable job at his age if that happened. When Mary and her husband sat down to dinner, Mary began to inquire about how his day had been rather than launching into a long monologue about how dreadful her day had been. If her husband wasn't feeling well or had had a stressful day on the job, she moved to hug and comfort him. As she did this, she came to realize that she wasn't feeling quite so unhappy about her own life, which no longer seemed as awful as it had seemed when she was 120 days clean and sober.
At the same time, she came to realize that her teenage sons needed to be close to their dad, that this was a normal stage of their development. As she came to this realization, she was able to forgive them for their "abandonment" of her. Increasingly free of her resentment and anger toward them, she found herself developing a more positive relationship with them, enjoying whatever contact there was while also being grateful for having more time to spend with her new husband doing things they both enjoyed.
Mary also began to understand that her ex-husband was not intentionally trying to make her life miserable, but was trying to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed by being the custodial parent of 3 teenage boys who required much more parenting than he had realized when he was married to Mary and could leave much of the daily parenting tasks to her. With this new understanding, Mary no longer took her ex's behavior so personally, and could even feel some compassion for his struggle to learn how to be an effective hands-on parent. And as Mary conveyed her understanding of his difficulties to him, her ex began to express his appreciation and admiration for all the things she had done to parent her sons that he had always taken for granted.
In the end, following a spiritual path and developing the art of self-forgetting are what successful relationships in recovery are all about. As long as we focus on ourselves, on what we must have, on what we don't like, we are caught up in ego and unlikely to develop a satisfactory intimate relationship. It is when we forget the self, seek to comfort, forgive, and understand our partner, and think in terms of we rather than me that we begin to experience all the wondrous delights of joining our life with another human being in a relationship in recovery.
He thought it better to give comfort than to receive it; better to understand than to be understood; better to forgive than to be forgiven.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Learning the way of self-forgetting is a key aspect of learning how to create a happy, delightful relationship in recovery. Mary has been learning that way this past year. When she first came to see me, she was four months clean and sober. She spent most of her time in the beginning talking about how awful her life was---her ex-husband seemed to go out of his way to make her life miserable, her teenage sons chose to live with her ex and seemed to side with him, her job as a teacher was exhausting and filled with petty annoyances, and she felt tired much of the time. Mary had remarried, but she was disappointed that her new husband wasn't able to fix her problems and make life better.
As Mary attended AA meetings, worked the steps with her sponsor, and began to awaken spiritually, she realized that her new husband was suffering from problems in his life. Approaching 50, he began to develop some serious health issues at the same time that his company was downsizing, leaving him increasingly anxious about being laid off and uncertain about finding another comparable job at his age if that happened. When Mary and her husband sat down to dinner, Mary began to inquire about how his day had been rather than launching into a long monologue about how dreadful her day had been. If her husband wasn't feeling well or had had a stressful day on the job, she moved to hug and comfort him. As she did this, she came to realize that she wasn't feeling quite so unhappy about her own life, which no longer seemed as awful as it had seemed when she was 120 days clean and sober.
At the same time, she came to realize that her teenage sons needed to be close to their dad, that this was a normal stage of their development. As she came to this realization, she was able to forgive them for their "abandonment" of her. Increasingly free of her resentment and anger toward them, she found herself developing a more positive relationship with them, enjoying whatever contact there was while also being grateful for having more time to spend with her new husband doing things they both enjoyed.
Mary also began to understand that her ex-husband was not intentionally trying to make her life miserable, but was trying to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed by being the custodial parent of 3 teenage boys who required much more parenting than he had realized when he was married to Mary and could leave much of the daily parenting tasks to her. With this new understanding, Mary no longer took her ex's behavior so personally, and could even feel some compassion for his struggle to learn how to be an effective hands-on parent. And as Mary conveyed her understanding of his difficulties to him, her ex began to express his appreciation and admiration for all the things she had done to parent her sons that he had always taken for granted.
In the end, following a spiritual path and developing the art of self-forgetting are what successful relationships in recovery are all about. As long as we focus on ourselves, on what we must have, on what we don't like, we are caught up in ego and unlikely to develop a satisfactory intimate relationship. It is when we forget the self, seek to comfort, forgive, and understand our partner, and think in terms of we rather than me that we begin to experience all the wondrous delights of joining our life with another human being in a relationship in recovery.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Step Ten, Part Four---Really Promptly
The sooner we recognize and admit the truth, the less negative karma we build up. The longer we wait to correct our mistakes, the more we hurt ourselves and others. The repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A news summary from CBS news about a study of how negativity affects marriages and close friendships reported , "Those in a negative relationship were 34% more likely to have a coronary event in the 12 years of follow-up." According to the researcher who conducted the study, Roberto De Vogli, the suspected reason for this finding is that people tend to mentally "replay" negative interactions. So the longer we wait to do our ongoing personal inventory and make prompt amends, the longer we and our partners have to go over and over any negative interactions which have occurred. And as this study indicates, mentally chewing on negative interactions with a partner is not only a cause of continued emotional suffering but can also lead to serious physical suffering as well. This research gives added meaning to Kevin Griffin's words that "the repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them."
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A news summary from CBS news about a study of how negativity affects marriages and close friendships reported , "Those in a negative relationship were 34% more likely to have a coronary event in the 12 years of follow-up." According to the researcher who conducted the study, Roberto De Vogli, the suspected reason for this finding is that people tend to mentally "replay" negative interactions. So the longer we wait to do our ongoing personal inventory and make prompt amends, the longer we and our partners have to go over and over any negative interactions which have occurred. And as this study indicates, mentally chewing on negative interactions with a partner is not only a cause of continued emotional suffering but can also lead to serious physical suffering as well. This research gives added meaning to Kevin Griffin's words that "the repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them."
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