On occasion, I've tried to sit after having had a fight with my wife, and, right in the middle of meditation, stopped, gotten up, and gone to her to apologize. Seeing the suffering I had caused, my part in it, and the suffering I was experiencing as a result, prompted me to abandon any attempt at sitting and go take care of that amends.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Ed and Betty were clients of mine a number of years ago. When they first came to see me, Ed was still drinking. He didn't admit he was drinking alcoholically until he and Betty had been in counseling for about three months. Before he got sober, Betty would bitterly complain how Ed would get angry with her when he was drunk and make all kinds of unfounded accusations about her. The next day he would act as if nothing had happened, taking no responsibility for his behavior and often not even acknowledging the previous evening's conflict. Ed's behavior was not at all unusual; most of us alcoholics and addicts have frequently tried to deal with our inappropriate, hurtful behavior by pretending the next day that everything is just fine, that there is no need to bring up the previous day's episode and that certainly there is no need for us to apologize and make amends.
Those habits of denial and stonewalling are difficult to change even after some time in recovery. So many times I find myself giving S the silent treatment after we have quarreled about something. But I am certainly not silent inside my head as I self-righteously defend my position and behavior and insist that S is the one who is wrong. Fortunately, sooner or later (unfortunately, more later than sooner) a new voice begins to make itself heard inside my head which says, 'Remember Step Ten. What's your part in this problem? Where were you wrong? What amends do you need to make?" At first, the angry part of me says, "SHUT UP!", but that other voice persists until I admit first to myself and then to S how I've behaved badly and how I need to apologize for the harm I've done to her and to our relationship.
The funny thing is that I always feel better after I do that. And things usually get a lot better between S and me fairly quickly after I've acknowledged being wrong and apologized. There is rarely any leftover animosity or resentment once I have practiced the Tenth Step in this situation, and as a result our relationship has remained current all these years, unencumbered by old business from the past. So why do I insist on holding onto my anger until my suffering becomes unbearable and I decide to let it go and bring that suffering to an end? I wish I knew.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Step Ten, Part Two---Self-Restraint
Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot....We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Pete and Joan came to see me several months ago just as Joan was making a decision to move out of their home because she needed "space" to figure out how she feels about their marriage and whether she still wants to be married to Pete. Pete was initially shocked and confused, saying he hadn't seen it coming at all. As far as he could see, they have a very good marriage and he professed to be quite unaware of Joan's doubts about their relationship.
As we have begun to sort out what led Joan to make this decision, Pete's initial emotional numbness has given way to anger. He demands that Joan "stop this nonsense" and move back home immediately. Joan responds angrily herself, telling Pete to "back off and give me space." They have entered a critical moment in the counseling process. I told them if they aren't careful and make an effort to exercise some self-restraint in the midst of their strong emotions, one or the other of them (or both) can destroy with an intemperate remark their chance to discover the root of Joan's dissatisfaction and work to resolve it in a way that brings them back together. They are definitely at risk for speaking or acting hastily or rashly, thereby losing any chance to be fair-minded and tolerant.
Turning to John Gottman and his research once more, we find some striking findings that speak directly to this issue. He discovered as he was measuring pulse rates and blood pressure while a couple was talking about a contentious issue that there came a certain point when one partner would become emotionally flooded. At that point, the "fight or flight" response in the oldest part of the brain would be triggered so that a person either exploded in rage or stormed out of the room (or sometimes both.) Gottman was able to identify when that point was reached---when a person's pulse exceeds 100 beats a minute.
Once a person is physiologically and emotionally flooded, his or her ability to practice self-restraint is pretty much gone. So it is important to learn to recognize the signs that the flooding process is starting up (for men generally when their pulse exceeds 80 bpm and for women generally when their pulse exceeds 90 bpm.) Once we recognize that we are starting to be flooded, the best thing to do is to stop the interaction and ask for a timeout. If we wait until we are completely flooded before asking for a timeout, it will be too late, and we are likely to say or do things that are quite harmful to our relationship.
There are helpful ways and unhelpful ways to take a timeout. First of all, a timeout needs to be at least 20 minutes in duration because it takes that long for adrenaline to subside and for the heart to return to normal. Secondly, we need to soothe ourselves by doing something restful and calming such as taking a walk, listening to music, or some other nonstressful activity. At the same time, we must refrain from keeping up an angry dialogue in our head, seeing ourselves as the innocent victim of our partner's bad behavior; instead we need to use self-soothing tools such as the Serenity Prayer to restore us to sanity. Finally, when we do tell our partner we need to take a timeout, we also need to make a commitment to return to the discussion as soon as we have calmed down or as soon thereafter as is practical.
Gottman also learned from his research that men and women are quite different when it comes to flooding. On the whole, men are much more likely to reach a flooded state quicker than women are, so most of the time it is the man who needs to ask for a timeout. Also, once aroused by stress, men take longer to calm down than women, so they are likely to need longer timeouts. Finally, men are more likely to have negative thoughts which perpetuate their distress, while women are more likely to be self-soothing in their thinking and looking for ways to be conciliatory, so men need to be especially vigilant about using such tools as the Serenity Prayer to combat their self-righteous thinking.
Mother nature has played another trick in the gender department around the issue of flooding. While men are much more likely to be highly distressed when difficult, sensitive issues are being discussed so that they are the ones needing to call for a timeout before becoming flooded, women are much more prone to being flooded when an issue of importance to them is not being discussed and moved toward some kind of resolution. This means that a woman will remain in a state of increasing distress if her partner breaks off a discussion because of the need for a timeout and then is unwilling to resume the discussion at a later point. Thus it is imperative for a man to make a verbal contract to come back to an issue when he is requesting a timeout to cool down and then to keep his commitment by returning to the issue in a timely manner. Otherwise, his wife/girlfriend will bring up the issue again, but most likely in a harsher manner, which will in turn push him toward being flooded even sooner. And then the cycle of mutual negativity begins to take on a life of its own.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Pete and Joan came to see me several months ago just as Joan was making a decision to move out of their home because she needed "space" to figure out how she feels about their marriage and whether she still wants to be married to Pete. Pete was initially shocked and confused, saying he hadn't seen it coming at all. As far as he could see, they have a very good marriage and he professed to be quite unaware of Joan's doubts about their relationship.
As we have begun to sort out what led Joan to make this decision, Pete's initial emotional numbness has given way to anger. He demands that Joan "stop this nonsense" and move back home immediately. Joan responds angrily herself, telling Pete to "back off and give me space." They have entered a critical moment in the counseling process. I told them if they aren't careful and make an effort to exercise some self-restraint in the midst of their strong emotions, one or the other of them (or both) can destroy with an intemperate remark their chance to discover the root of Joan's dissatisfaction and work to resolve it in a way that brings them back together. They are definitely at risk for speaking or acting hastily or rashly, thereby losing any chance to be fair-minded and tolerant.
Turning to John Gottman and his research once more, we find some striking findings that speak directly to this issue. He discovered as he was measuring pulse rates and blood pressure while a couple was talking about a contentious issue that there came a certain point when one partner would become emotionally flooded. At that point, the "fight or flight" response in the oldest part of the brain would be triggered so that a person either exploded in rage or stormed out of the room (or sometimes both.) Gottman was able to identify when that point was reached---when a person's pulse exceeds 100 beats a minute.
Once a person is physiologically and emotionally flooded, his or her ability to practice self-restraint is pretty much gone. So it is important to learn to recognize the signs that the flooding process is starting up (for men generally when their pulse exceeds 80 bpm and for women generally when their pulse exceeds 90 bpm.) Once we recognize that we are starting to be flooded, the best thing to do is to stop the interaction and ask for a timeout. If we wait until we are completely flooded before asking for a timeout, it will be too late, and we are likely to say or do things that are quite harmful to our relationship.
There are helpful ways and unhelpful ways to take a timeout. First of all, a timeout needs to be at least 20 minutes in duration because it takes that long for adrenaline to subside and for the heart to return to normal. Secondly, we need to soothe ourselves by doing something restful and calming such as taking a walk, listening to music, or some other nonstressful activity. At the same time, we must refrain from keeping up an angry dialogue in our head, seeing ourselves as the innocent victim of our partner's bad behavior; instead we need to use self-soothing tools such as the Serenity Prayer to restore us to sanity. Finally, when we do tell our partner we need to take a timeout, we also need to make a commitment to return to the discussion as soon as we have calmed down or as soon thereafter as is practical.
Gottman also learned from his research that men and women are quite different when it comes to flooding. On the whole, men are much more likely to reach a flooded state quicker than women are, so most of the time it is the man who needs to ask for a timeout. Also, once aroused by stress, men take longer to calm down than women, so they are likely to need longer timeouts. Finally, men are more likely to have negative thoughts which perpetuate their distress, while women are more likely to be self-soothing in their thinking and looking for ways to be conciliatory, so men need to be especially vigilant about using such tools as the Serenity Prayer to combat their self-righteous thinking.
Mother nature has played another trick in the gender department around the issue of flooding. While men are much more likely to be highly distressed when difficult, sensitive issues are being discussed so that they are the ones needing to call for a timeout before becoming flooded, women are much more prone to being flooded when an issue of importance to them is not being discussed and moved toward some kind of resolution. This means that a woman will remain in a state of increasing distress if her partner breaks off a discussion because of the need for a timeout and then is unwilling to resume the discussion at a later point. Thus it is imperative for a man to make a verbal contract to come back to an issue when he is requesting a timeout to cool down and then to keep his commitment by returning to the issue in a timely manner. Otherwise, his wife/girlfriend will bring up the issue again, but most likely in a harsher manner, which will in turn push him toward being flooded even sooner. And then the cycle of mutual negativity begins to take on a life of its own.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Step Ten, Part One---Relationship Maintenance
For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I have been writing posts about applying the "action" steps (4-9) to cleaning up past wreckage and taking responsibility for relationship problems in recovery. But once we have put a lot of work into healing the damage done to our relationships prior to recovery, we need to turn our attention to keeping those relationships as healthy as possible as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. Practicing Step Ten on a daily basis is one of the keys to this process.
One of the most important aspects of self-searching I have learned over the years in my relationship with S is to take her seriously when she suggests that something seems to be going on to me. Many times during our first several years together, S would ask me what was bothering me and I would reply with that famous answer, "Nothing!" I was usually being honest when I answered that way because I was unaware of any negative feelings at the moment of my answer, but over the next day or two I would gradually come to a place where I would have to admit to myself (and then to S, which was even harder) that something was bothering me. After that happened a number of times, I realized that S is often more accurately aware of my emotional state than I am and that I should pay heed when she thinks something is going on with me that I'm not talking about. So an important part of my Step Ten self-searching comes from taking S seriously when she thinks something is going on with me and making the effort to figure out what it is.
Accepting and admitting what we find in our self-searching is a significant part of staying clean and sober and growing in our recovery. Accepting and admitting what we find when we look at our primary relationship clearly and comprehensively is also a significant part of maintaining a satisfying relationship. Over and over again I see couples whose relationship has become very unhappy and unsatisfactory because one or both partners wasn't willing to accept the problems that were developing or wasn't willing to admit their part in creating those problems. When we refuse to admit and accept the difficulties that have arisen in our relationship, we stop living in the present moment and get caught in unresolved feelings from the past. As a result, the relationship is no longer "current," and future difficulties stir up angry, disappointing feelings left over from unresolved difficulties of the past.
Step Ten also contributes to the maintenance of our relationships by pushing us to make a persistent effort to correct what is wrong. The key word here is "persistent." Some relationship problems are easily and quickly resolved, but many of them seem to come back again and again. In fact, John Gottman says that almost 60% of the problems couples encounter are "perpetual," never fully and finally resolved. But successful couples are willing to work with such problems repeatedly, often finding a partial or momentary solution that allows their relationship to remain current. He also discovered that a sense of humor was the best tool of all when it comes to dealing with such kinds of problems.
Finally, spending time together is of the essence if you wish to keep your intimate relationship in excellent health. Many years ago I saw a videotape of a marriage counselor who said that couples need an hour a day of direct contact with each other in order to stay connected. That hour can be broken up into 10 or 15 minute segments, but the critical thing is that partners be fully engaged with each other during those times. He went on to say that during the early years of his marriage, when he was working full-time, attending graduate school in the evenings full-time, and he and his wife were parenting 3 kids under the age of 5, they would hire a babysitter on Friday nites and go out on a date from 7 pm until 2 am, thereby getting in 7 hours of direct contact for the week in one evening. He said he doubted the marriage would have survived their extremely busy schedule if they had not made such an arrangement for the two years he was in graduate school. I concur with the need to make spending time together a top priority; if you don't, your relationship will seriously suffer and likely die.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I have been writing posts about applying the "action" steps (4-9) to cleaning up past wreckage and taking responsibility for relationship problems in recovery. But once we have put a lot of work into healing the damage done to our relationships prior to recovery, we need to turn our attention to keeping those relationships as healthy as possible as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. Practicing Step Ten on a daily basis is one of the keys to this process.
One of the most important aspects of self-searching I have learned over the years in my relationship with S is to take her seriously when she suggests that something seems to be going on to me. Many times during our first several years together, S would ask me what was bothering me and I would reply with that famous answer, "Nothing!" I was usually being honest when I answered that way because I was unaware of any negative feelings at the moment of my answer, but over the next day or two I would gradually come to a place where I would have to admit to myself (and then to S, which was even harder) that something was bothering me. After that happened a number of times, I realized that S is often more accurately aware of my emotional state than I am and that I should pay heed when she thinks something is going on with me that I'm not talking about. So an important part of my Step Ten self-searching comes from taking S seriously when she thinks something is going on with me and making the effort to figure out what it is.
Accepting and admitting what we find in our self-searching is a significant part of staying clean and sober and growing in our recovery. Accepting and admitting what we find when we look at our primary relationship clearly and comprehensively is also a significant part of maintaining a satisfying relationship. Over and over again I see couples whose relationship has become very unhappy and unsatisfactory because one or both partners wasn't willing to accept the problems that were developing or wasn't willing to admit their part in creating those problems. When we refuse to admit and accept the difficulties that have arisen in our relationship, we stop living in the present moment and get caught in unresolved feelings from the past. As a result, the relationship is no longer "current," and future difficulties stir up angry, disappointing feelings left over from unresolved difficulties of the past.
Step Ten also contributes to the maintenance of our relationships by pushing us to make a persistent effort to correct what is wrong. The key word here is "persistent." Some relationship problems are easily and quickly resolved, but many of them seem to come back again and again. In fact, John Gottman says that almost 60% of the problems couples encounter are "perpetual," never fully and finally resolved. But successful couples are willing to work with such problems repeatedly, often finding a partial or momentary solution that allows their relationship to remain current. He also discovered that a sense of humor was the best tool of all when it comes to dealing with such kinds of problems.
Finally, spending time together is of the essence if you wish to keep your intimate relationship in excellent health. Many years ago I saw a videotape of a marriage counselor who said that couples need an hour a day of direct contact with each other in order to stay connected. That hour can be broken up into 10 or 15 minute segments, but the critical thing is that partners be fully engaged with each other during those times. He went on to say that during the early years of his marriage, when he was working full-time, attending graduate school in the evenings full-time, and he and his wife were parenting 3 kids under the age of 5, they would hire a babysitter on Friday nites and go out on a date from 7 pm until 2 am, thereby getting in 7 hours of direct contact for the week in one evening. He said he doubted the marriage would have survived their extremely busy schedule if they had not made such an arrangement for the two years he was in graduate school. I concur with the need to make spending time together a top priority; if you don't, your relationship will seriously suffer and likely die.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Step Nine, Part Four---Except when to do so would injure them or others
There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or--quite as important--other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
In his comment to one of my posts on how secret-keeping endangers relationships in recovery, Namenlosen Trinker wrote that he would be leery about revealing infidelities to someone with whom he was still in relationship and wanted to know more of my thoughts about the matter. There is no obvious right answer to this problem. First of all, I think the important word in the 12x12 quote is "unsuspecting." This is tricky because in many instances our partner has had a gut sense telling him or her that we might be involved with someone else, although there is no direct evidence. And quite often in such cases, a spouse will either override such gut instincts, convincing her- or himself that she or he is just imagining things, or will remain quiet about such fears because she or he doesn't want to face the consequences of knowing the truth. So, when this is the case, can we say that such a spouse is truly unsuspecting? Will it help or harm the relationship if we reveal what our spouse has suspected in her or his gut without knowing it for certain?
There are also many times when a spouse is not, in fact, unsuspecting about our infidelities during the time we were drinking and using. What we thought was secret was obvious to her or him, although, again, a spouse may have chosen not to confront us about such knowledge because of anxiety about the consequences of the issue being openly discussed. In this case, if we make amends to a partner without acknowledging the reality of our infidelity, our partner is not going to believe in our "rigorous honesty," and is unlikely to come to feel safe and secure in the relationship.
Then there is the problem of what happens to us and to the relationship when we keep such information secret because we don't want to injure our unsuspecting partner. For most of us, keeping such matters secret seriously interferes with our ability to be vulnerable and open in intimate relationships---and openness and vulnerability are essential to a healthy, happy intimate relationship. When we keep our past secret, we have to be careful about saying something that might alert our spouse to past infidelities, and we live with the fear that someday the secret will be revealed.
Many times we don't make full revelations because we fear the serious harm it might do to US. I think it's safe to say that most partners will react with great distress when we make amends for any infidelities during our drinking and using years that have not yet been openly discussed (and our spouse will probably also be quite upset when we make amends for any infidelities which she or he already knows about.) There may be talk of divorce. Certainly there is a high probability that our spouse will tell us how hateful we are for having done such a thing and will be emotionally volatile for an extended period of time. We will have to rely on the support of our Higher Power, our sponsor, and friends in the program to help us stay present in our relationship and work through the angry and hurt feelings.
Making amends for past infidelities definitely calls for a "careful sense of timing." We must have established a solid foundation to our recovery and have developed a trusting relationship with a sponsor. If we are involved in couples counseling, we need to have established a good working relationship with the counselor and have come to trust that counselor's impartiality before venturing down this path. Obviously we must have ended the affair and be ready to commit to a monogamous
relationship before we make any such amends.
It is also important to consider our motivation if we choose to reveal a past infidelity to our partner. Are we trying to hurt our partner in some way? Are we trying to create a crisis so our partner will be left with the responsibility for deciding to end the relationship? Are we primarily trying to alleviate our guilt feelings without being committed to doing whatever it takes to help our spouse work through her or his pain and anger? Have we thought this through and talked about it with our sponsor and/or counselor or are we acting on impulse?
Finally, I find myself taking the quote at the top of this article with more than a few grains of salt because of who wrote it. Bill Wilson was apparently unfaithful to Lois many times over and continued in a fairly public extramarital affair long after he helped write the Steps. I don't know if he and Lois ever talked openly about this, but it is hard to believe that Lois was "unsuspecting." If Bill had given Lois a detailed account of his extramarital adventuring, he might well have had to deal with a less than adoring wife and might have had to confront and do something about his apparent sexual addiction. I realize "times were different then" (and they were), but the words "where to make a full revelation woluld seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends" rings a little hollow.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
In his comment to one of my posts on how secret-keeping endangers relationships in recovery, Namenlosen Trinker wrote that he would be leery about revealing infidelities to someone with whom he was still in relationship and wanted to know more of my thoughts about the matter. There is no obvious right answer to this problem. First of all, I think the important word in the 12x12 quote is "unsuspecting." This is tricky because in many instances our partner has had a gut sense telling him or her that we might be involved with someone else, although there is no direct evidence. And quite often in such cases, a spouse will either override such gut instincts, convincing her- or himself that she or he is just imagining things, or will remain quiet about such fears because she or he doesn't want to face the consequences of knowing the truth. So, when this is the case, can we say that such a spouse is truly unsuspecting? Will it help or harm the relationship if we reveal what our spouse has suspected in her or his gut without knowing it for certain?
There are also many times when a spouse is not, in fact, unsuspecting about our infidelities during the time we were drinking and using. What we thought was secret was obvious to her or him, although, again, a spouse may have chosen not to confront us about such knowledge because of anxiety about the consequences of the issue being openly discussed. In this case, if we make amends to a partner without acknowledging the reality of our infidelity, our partner is not going to believe in our "rigorous honesty," and is unlikely to come to feel safe and secure in the relationship.
Then there is the problem of what happens to us and to the relationship when we keep such information secret because we don't want to injure our unsuspecting partner. For most of us, keeping such matters secret seriously interferes with our ability to be vulnerable and open in intimate relationships---and openness and vulnerability are essential to a healthy, happy intimate relationship. When we keep our past secret, we have to be careful about saying something that might alert our spouse to past infidelities, and we live with the fear that someday the secret will be revealed.
Many times we don't make full revelations because we fear the serious harm it might do to US. I think it's safe to say that most partners will react with great distress when we make amends for any infidelities during our drinking and using years that have not yet been openly discussed (and our spouse will probably also be quite upset when we make amends for any infidelities which she or he already knows about.) There may be talk of divorce. Certainly there is a high probability that our spouse will tell us how hateful we are for having done such a thing and will be emotionally volatile for an extended period of time. We will have to rely on the support of our Higher Power, our sponsor, and friends in the program to help us stay present in our relationship and work through the angry and hurt feelings.
Making amends for past infidelities definitely calls for a "careful sense of timing." We must have established a solid foundation to our recovery and have developed a trusting relationship with a sponsor. If we are involved in couples counseling, we need to have established a good working relationship with the counselor and have come to trust that counselor's impartiality before venturing down this path. Obviously we must have ended the affair and be ready to commit to a monogamous
relationship before we make any such amends.
It is also important to consider our motivation if we choose to reveal a past infidelity to our partner. Are we trying to hurt our partner in some way? Are we trying to create a crisis so our partner will be left with the responsibility for deciding to end the relationship? Are we primarily trying to alleviate our guilt feelings without being committed to doing whatever it takes to help our spouse work through her or his pain and anger? Have we thought this through and talked about it with our sponsor and/or counselor or are we acting on impulse?
Finally, I find myself taking the quote at the top of this article with more than a few grains of salt because of who wrote it. Bill Wilson was apparently unfaithful to Lois many times over and continued in a fairly public extramarital affair long after he helped write the Steps. I don't know if he and Lois ever talked openly about this, but it is hard to believe that Lois was "unsuspecting." If Bill had given Lois a detailed account of his extramarital adventuring, he might well have had to deal with a less than adoring wife and might have had to confront and do something about his apparent sexual addiction. I realize "times were different then" (and they were), but the words "where to make a full revelation woluld seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends" rings a little hollow.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Step Nine, Part Three---Forgiveness One More Time
Forgiveness is a mostly internal experience. At one daylong retreat I was teaching, people talked a lot about how they didn't want to let someone off the hook, absolve them of responsibility, by forgiving them. I think it's important to draw the distinction between forgiveness and absolution. Forgiveness is something we do in our own hearts to relieve ourselves of the pain of resentment. It's not saying that the person is off the hook for any harm they have caused. If fact, we aren't capable of letting someone off the hook--the Law of Karma is responsible for that. If we can be very clear about this distinction, it helps as we enter into the delicate work of forgiveness. We forgive others so that we can heal ourselves. For no other reason.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A description of resentment I heard early in the program is one that still makes the most sense to me. Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. I can definitely relate to that. If I allow a resentment to take root in my mind, it just grows and grows every time I see or even think about the person I'm resentful of. It isn't long before it just completely takes over my mind for long periods of time. And I'm the one who suffers, not the person with whom I have a resentment.
I would disagree with Kevin Griffin that the only reason we forgive others is to heal ourselves. If we are in a long-term relationship we also forgive our partners so we can heal the relationship. No relationship can thrive in the midst of ongoing resentments. When resentment is present in a relationship, it quickly tips the ratio of interactions between partners from five positive ones for every negative interaction, which characterizes a happy relationship, to a ratio of one to one, which
is never enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
So how do we heal resentments enough to be able to forgive our partner? The program suggests that we pray for someone with whom we're angry, which is an excellent and effective strategy. Buddhism suggests a similar strategy, employing what Buddhists call an antidote to anger. As soon as we become aware of a resentful thought about our partner, at that same moment we can try to introduce a thought of patience or compassion or loving-kindness. Because of the way our minds work, it is virtually impossible to entertain both the wish to harm and the wish to love our partner at the same moment. The more we can generate thoughts of compassion and loving-kindness whenever an angry, resentful thought about our partner arises, the more easily we will come to the place when we can let go of the resentment and allow ourselves to forgive our partners for whatever they have done or failed to do. This kind of antidote to resentment also helps with our spiritual awakening and development, which is, after all, the desired outcome of working the Steps to the best of our ability.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
A description of resentment I heard early in the program is one that still makes the most sense to me. Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. I can definitely relate to that. If I allow a resentment to take root in my mind, it just grows and grows every time I see or even think about the person I'm resentful of. It isn't long before it just completely takes over my mind for long periods of time. And I'm the one who suffers, not the person with whom I have a resentment.
I would disagree with Kevin Griffin that the only reason we forgive others is to heal ourselves. If we are in a long-term relationship we also forgive our partners so we can heal the relationship. No relationship can thrive in the midst of ongoing resentments. When resentment is present in a relationship, it quickly tips the ratio of interactions between partners from five positive ones for every negative interaction, which characterizes a happy relationship, to a ratio of one to one, which
is never enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
So how do we heal resentments enough to be able to forgive our partner? The program suggests that we pray for someone with whom we're angry, which is an excellent and effective strategy. Buddhism suggests a similar strategy, employing what Buddhists call an antidote to anger. As soon as we become aware of a resentful thought about our partner, at that same moment we can try to introduce a thought of patience or compassion or loving-kindness. Because of the way our minds work, it is virtually impossible to entertain both the wish to harm and the wish to love our partner at the same moment. The more we can generate thoughts of compassion and loving-kindness whenever an angry, resentful thought about our partner arises, the more easily we will come to the place when we can let go of the resentment and allow ourselves to forgive our partners for whatever they have done or failed to do. This kind of antidote to resentment also helps with our spiritual awakening and development, which is, after all, the desired outcome of working the Steps to the best of our ability.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Step Nine, Part Two---Living Amends
This might be the first lesson about amends: you can't take it back, you can't fix what you broke....you don't totally repair the damage you've done to someone's life....no one act can overturn all our past transgressions
What mattered was the movement towards healing. When (my brothers) saw over the coming years that I had changed my way of living, I think this meant more to them than the small acts of contrition I'd performed.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
The other day Anonymous posted a comment in which she said her "recovering/not recovering" alcoholic husband once said to her, "I know you'll always forgive me." That sounds like the remark of someone who really doesn't understand and accept the most important part of Step Nine---we follow up our verbal amends by changing our behavior and making a concerted effort not to do the same thing again and again. Otherwise, our amends don't really mean very much, especially to our partners.
As Kevin Griffin says, we can't fix what we've broken, we can't completely repair the damage we've done to our partner's life. This doesn't mean that we are to wallow in guilt for the rest of our lives about what we've done; but it does mean that repairing our closest relationships will require not only a great deal of work on our part, but also a lot patience and willingness to keep at it when our partner fails to respond quickly in a positive manner to our efforts to change. Just as we learn in 12-Step programs that recovery is a lifelong, sometimes arduous process, so we must realize that healing a relationship damaged by addiction requires changing the way we relate to our partner---and that requires much more active, ongoing work than simply acknowledging the harm we have done to our partner and to the relationship. We have to live our amends, not merely express them.
What mattered was the movement towards healing. When (my brothers) saw over the coming years that I had changed my way of living, I think this meant more to them than the small acts of contrition I'd performed.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
The other day Anonymous posted a comment in which she said her "recovering/not recovering" alcoholic husband once said to her, "I know you'll always forgive me." That sounds like the remark of someone who really doesn't understand and accept the most important part of Step Nine---we follow up our verbal amends by changing our behavior and making a concerted effort not to do the same thing again and again. Otherwise, our amends don't really mean very much, especially to our partners.
As Kevin Griffin says, we can't fix what we've broken, we can't completely repair the damage we've done to our partner's life. This doesn't mean that we are to wallow in guilt for the rest of our lives about what we've done; but it does mean that repairing our closest relationships will require not only a great deal of work on our part, but also a lot patience and willingness to keep at it when our partner fails to respond quickly in a positive manner to our efforts to change. Just as we learn in 12-Step programs that recovery is a lifelong, sometimes arduous process, so we must realize that healing a relationship damaged by addiction requires changing the way we relate to our partner---and that requires much more active, ongoing work than simply acknowledging the harm we have done to our partner and to the relationship. We have to live our amends, not merely express them.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Step Nine, Part One---Timing
The moment we tell our families that we are really going to try the program, the process has begun. In this area there are seldom any questions of timing or caution....we usually want to sit down with some member of the family and readily admit the damage we have done by our drinking. Almost always we want to go further and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with.... At this first sitting, it is necessary only that we make a general admission of our defects. it may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes. Good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Many years ago I was working with a young woman whose alcoholic father had been in recovery for a number of years. As our work in therapy progressed, she realized she wanted to talk to her dad about what had happened and how it had affected her. She also wanted to ask him questions in order to get a better understanding of her childhood. We spent a number of sessions considering what she wanted to say and ask and how she wanted to say it---she was clear she didn't want it to be an angry confrontation where she would attack her dad for all the harmful things he had done. But she did want the chance to talk openly about how it had affected both of them.
She was almost in tears when she came to a session following the meeting with her dad. When she told him she wanted to talk about his drinking and how it had affected her, he cut her off by saying, "That's all in the past. Why do we need to talk about that now? I already made my amends." And that was the end of that as far as he was concerned.
In the 12x12, Bill Wilson talks about how eager a person is to tell his immediate family when he has surrendered to the reality of his alcoholism/addiction and made the decision to get involved in a 12-Step program. He goes on to say that such a person will readily admit the damage he or she has done and will even "almost always" want to go on to admit other defects that made him/her "hard to live with." I'm not so sure that most alcoholics/addicts are all that eager to admit to the damage they have done or to talk about defects that made them hard to live with just as they are acknowledging they have lost control and need to work a program. That doesn't fit with my experience as a clinician or as a member of AA.
But I do think that all too often, we alcoholics and addicts believe that once we have done a Ninth Step with our partners and any other immediate family members we are off the hook so to speak. We have acknowledged and taken responsibility for our wrongs, and for many of us that should be the end of it, as my client's father believed. But that kind of attitude is not helpful if we are truly interested in healing our closest relationships.
First of all, we are likely to make amends to our partners and children when we are ready to make them, not when they are ready to hear them. Most of the time, we are ready before they are. We have been going to meetings, talking to our sponsors, and doing a variety of other things to enhance our recovery. By the time we get to the Ninth Step, we are ready for this to be the end of looking at the wreckage of our past so that we can move on with our lives. Moreover, most of us will have apologized to our partner at least a couple of times for the "bad things' we did while drinking and using.
But other members of our immediate family are not nearly as likely to be ready to truly hear our Ninth Step amends. It is exceptional when the spouse of an alcoholic/addict makes the same kind of commitment to a 12-Step program and the recovery process right from the beginning. It is even rarer for children to realize their need for participation in the recovery process. Thus it is often the case that a partner and children are still struggling with so much angry resentment and/or anxiety about a relapse that they are unable to take in the alcoholic/addict's Ninth Step. So, as Bill Wilson says at the end of the quote that begins this post, "good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time" about making amends to immediate family members. A "careful sense of timing" means paying attention not only to when we are ready to make the amends, but when our partners and children are ready to hear them in the spirit in which they are being made.
Timing is not just a matter of when, but also of how many times. By this, I don't mean saying, 'I'm sorry" over and over again for our behavior when we were drinking and/or using. That wears awfully thin after about the second time. But making verbal amends (I will talk about "living amends" in a subsequent post) should not be the end of the matter as it was for the father of my client. Our behavior when we were still practicing our addiction was often experienced by our partners and/or children as confusing, shocking, deeply hurtful, traumatic, or abusive. In order for them to understand and make sense of what happened, to heal the anger and pain they still carry, and to come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness, most of them will need to talk about the past multiple times. If we wish to go to any lengths to heal the damage to our closest relationships, then we must be generous with our willingness to talk about what happened over and over again if need be.
Finally, the willingness to wait until people in the family are genuinely ready to hear our amends and to be open to talking many times if necessary about the damage our drinking and drugging caused does not mean that we are giving a partner or our children carte blanch to beat us over the head again and again with what bad, unloving, uncaring people we were. When a partner misses no opportunity to berate us once more for what we did to them before we got clean and sober, they are not trying to heal themselves or the relationship. Instead they have gotten stuck in the victim/martyr mode and are refusing to do their part of the work to heal things. We are not doing them, ourselves, or our relationship a favor by repeatedly making Ninth Step amends when this is happening. That will only feed the dysfunctional process and keep it going. The best thing to do in such instances is to make an effort to talk about the process that is occurring and how destructive it is to the relationship.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Many years ago I was working with a young woman whose alcoholic father had been in recovery for a number of years. As our work in therapy progressed, she realized she wanted to talk to her dad about what had happened and how it had affected her. She also wanted to ask him questions in order to get a better understanding of her childhood. We spent a number of sessions considering what she wanted to say and ask and how she wanted to say it---she was clear she didn't want it to be an angry confrontation where she would attack her dad for all the harmful things he had done. But she did want the chance to talk openly about how it had affected both of them.
She was almost in tears when she came to a session following the meeting with her dad. When she told him she wanted to talk about his drinking and how it had affected her, he cut her off by saying, "That's all in the past. Why do we need to talk about that now? I already made my amends." And that was the end of that as far as he was concerned.
In the 12x12, Bill Wilson talks about how eager a person is to tell his immediate family when he has surrendered to the reality of his alcoholism/addiction and made the decision to get involved in a 12-Step program. He goes on to say that such a person will readily admit the damage he or she has done and will even "almost always" want to go on to admit other defects that made him/her "hard to live with." I'm not so sure that most alcoholics/addicts are all that eager to admit to the damage they have done or to talk about defects that made them hard to live with just as they are acknowledging they have lost control and need to work a program. That doesn't fit with my experience as a clinician or as a member of AA.
But I do think that all too often, we alcoholics and addicts believe that once we have done a Ninth Step with our partners and any other immediate family members we are off the hook so to speak. We have acknowledged and taken responsibility for our wrongs, and for many of us that should be the end of it, as my client's father believed. But that kind of attitude is not helpful if we are truly interested in healing our closest relationships.
First of all, we are likely to make amends to our partners and children when we are ready to make them, not when they are ready to hear them. Most of the time, we are ready before they are. We have been going to meetings, talking to our sponsors, and doing a variety of other things to enhance our recovery. By the time we get to the Ninth Step, we are ready for this to be the end of looking at the wreckage of our past so that we can move on with our lives. Moreover, most of us will have apologized to our partner at least a couple of times for the "bad things' we did while drinking and using.
But other members of our immediate family are not nearly as likely to be ready to truly hear our Ninth Step amends. It is exceptional when the spouse of an alcoholic/addict makes the same kind of commitment to a 12-Step program and the recovery process right from the beginning. It is even rarer for children to realize their need for participation in the recovery process. Thus it is often the case that a partner and children are still struggling with so much angry resentment and/or anxiety about a relapse that they are unable to take in the alcoholic/addict's Ninth Step. So, as Bill Wilson says at the end of the quote that begins this post, "good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time" about making amends to immediate family members. A "careful sense of timing" means paying attention not only to when we are ready to make the amends, but when our partners and children are ready to hear them in the spirit in which they are being made.
Timing is not just a matter of when, but also of how many times. By this, I don't mean saying, 'I'm sorry" over and over again for our behavior when we were drinking and/or using. That wears awfully thin after about the second time. But making verbal amends (I will talk about "living amends" in a subsequent post) should not be the end of the matter as it was for the father of my client. Our behavior when we were still practicing our addiction was often experienced by our partners and/or children as confusing, shocking, deeply hurtful, traumatic, or abusive. In order for them to understand and make sense of what happened, to heal the anger and pain they still carry, and to come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness, most of them will need to talk about the past multiple times. If we wish to go to any lengths to heal the damage to our closest relationships, then we must be generous with our willingness to talk about what happened over and over again if need be.
Finally, the willingness to wait until people in the family are genuinely ready to hear our amends and to be open to talking many times if necessary about the damage our drinking and drugging caused does not mean that we are giving a partner or our children carte blanch to beat us over the head again and again with what bad, unloving, uncaring people we were. When a partner misses no opportunity to berate us once more for what we did to them before we got clean and sober, they are not trying to heal themselves or the relationship. Instead they have gotten stuck in the victim/martyr mode and are refusing to do their part of the work to heal things. We are not doing them, ourselves, or our relationship a favor by repeatedly making Ninth Step amends when this is happening. That will only feed the dysfunctional process and keep it going. The best thing to do in such instances is to make an effort to talk about the process that is occurring and how destructive it is to the relationship.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)