relationships in recovery

Gender, Part Two---Gender in Recovery, Part Two

2007-11-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

In my previous post I wrote about a piece of research that found gender and marital status seem to enhance or lessen the likelihood of long-term sobriety. Specifically, the researchers found that 8 years after completing treatment, married men and unmarried women were more likely to be clean and sober, while unmarried men and married women were less likely to remain abstinent. In that post I wrote about why married men are more likely to stay clean and sober than unmarried men.

Today's post is about why unmarried women seen to do better in recovery than married women. Joan and Hank are a couple who illustrate the difficulties married women encounter in recovery. When they came to see me, Joan had about 18 months of sobriety. They called me because they were having trouble with the sexual part of their relationship. Joan had met Hank in a bar when she was still drinking and quickly fell into a sexual relationship with him. Before she got sober, she and Hank usually split a bottle of wine and/or got stoned before going to bed for sex. Both Joan and Hank reported that Joan had been very involved in their sexual encounters during this part of their relationship, and both of them spoke about how delighted they both were with the sexual part of their relationship.

Joan surrendered to the reality of her alcoholism, attended a 30-day outpatient program, and began going to AA meetings about 6 months after she and Hank got married. Her discomfort with sex, which actually began shortly after the wedding, escalated after she got clean and sober to the point that she had begun to dread the times when Hank approached her for sex. Hank, who was still drinking and using pot on the weekends, was frustrated and impatient with Joan about her lack of sexual desire. He blamed the situation on Joan's participation in AA, saying Joan was being influenced by "those AA dykes who hate men." Needless to say, Hank's attitude and behavior only added to Joan's difficulties in wanting to be sexual.

As we explored Joan's past, I realized that Joan had probably been sexually abused by her dad's alcoholic brother. Joan acknowledged how her uncle would always want her to sit on his lap and give him a kiss when he visited and how he made sexually inappropriate remarks in her presence, but she had no memory of any direct sexual encounters. It was clear, however, that talking about this uncle stirred up angry and unhappy feelings. When Joan married Hank, some of these feelings began to emerge when she and Hank were making love; they became much stronger after she sobered up.

Joan's probable sexual abuse (I would label her uncle's behavior as sexually abusive even if he never had intercourse with her or persuaded her to perform oral sex on him) is not at all uncommon for women who have become addicted to alcohol or drugs. In fact, my wife, S, who is also a therapist, has worked with at least 200-300 alcoholic/addict women over the past 25 years, and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM was either sexual abused or the victim of unwanted, inappropriate sexual behavior before becoming adults. Drinking alcoholically and/or using mind-altering drugs became a way of coping with the pain, anger, and shame these women experienced as a result of the abuse.

A common coping mechanism for people who have been sexually abused is to split off sexual feelings from the feelings of emotional vulnerability. It is as if a person can be sexual as long as their is no commitment to an ongoing deep emotional connection. But when an alcoholic woman who was sexually abused as a child marries and also sobers up, she is suddenly quite vulnerable emotionally, opening herself up to the pain, anger, and shame of her sexual abuse whenever she and her husband try to make love. One way to avoid these feelings is to shut down her sexual desire; hence Joan's loss of sexual interest in Hank after they married and she got sober.

Hank's response to Joan's apparent loss of libido only made things worse. She was trapped between stirring up uncomfortable feelings if she engaged in sex and being the recipient of Hank's anger and contempt if she didn't. It is not surprising, therefore, that Joan went back out and resumed drinking a few weeks after she and Hank began seeing me. It was the only way she knew how to cope in a marriage that neither supported her sobriety nor helped her work through her childhood history of sexual abuse. I suspect this kind of situation is one the primary reasons that married women are less likely than unmarried women to achieve long-term sobriety.

Gender, Part One---Gender in Recovery, Part One

2007-10-31T12:16:00.000-07:00

I recently read a piece of research about the differences in recovery by marital status and gender. The article was based on an 8-year follow-up of people who had completed treatment for alcoholism and/or addiction. The findings were intriguing. Married men were more likely to remain clean and sober than unmarried men. On the other hand, it was unmarried women who were more likely to still be clean and sober after 8 years (married women actually had a higher rate of abstinence after one year of recovery, but more married than unmarried women failed to remain abstinent over the 8 year period.) The authors of the article said the finding was unexpected and were at a loss for the explanation.

Based on my observations both in 12-Step meetings and in my work as a couples therapist, I think part of the reason for these findings has to do with how sexuality affects men and women differently in recovery. I have come to believe that the majority of men who are addicted to alcohol or other substances are also sex addicts. Whether it be obsessive viewing of online pornography, frequent trips to strip clubs,
repeated encounters with prostitutes, compulsive masturbation, or continuing "womanizing," we alcoholic/addict men are prone to act out sexually in ways that are risky for both our sobriety and our chances of developing and maintaining healthy, satisfying relationships.

My client George is a good example. George sobered up about six years ago. He was married at the time, but the marriage was in bad shape both because of George's drinking and his habit of going to strip clubs to drink. After he sobered up, George stopped going to strip clubs because of the threat to his sobriety; but he soon discovered Internet pornography and spent an increasing amount of his late evening time at home masturbating while viewing Internet pornography. About two years into his recovery, George's wife announced she was divorcing him because of his obsession with online pornography.

George came very close to picking up a drink after his wife left, but was able to stay sober with the support of his sponsor and the friends he had made in AA. Despite the failure of the marriage, George was initially unwilling to admit he was addicted to online pornography. He insisted it was harmless and something "all guys do altho they may not talk about it." He got involved in several short-term relationships after the divorce, but they didn't develop into anything significant.

About two years ago, George came to see me for counseling for help with his seeming inability to find the "right" woman. Eventually George admitted that his use of pornography and his compulsive masturbation were signs of a sexual addiction, and he began to attend SA meetings. It took awhile, but he finally was able to stop viewing pornography and to let go of the compulsive masturbation that went along with it.

And then about six months ago George met Bridget through a mutual friend. They hit it off and soon began seeing a lot of each other. George says he is experiencing the kind of emotional and sexual intimacy with Bridget he has always longed for, and he is clear that going back to Internet pornography would seriously damage their relationship. But a few weeks ago, Bridget left town to spend a few weeks with her seriously ill mother, and George reports that he is struggling not to go back online and just "check out" a few pornography sites.

As we explored what was underneath his desire to check out some pornography sites, George became aware of how much he misses Bridget and how lonely he feels without her presence. He was able to connect those feelings with the loneliness he felt during most of his childhood with a father who was always working and a mother who drank alcoholically as a way of medicating her own feelings of loneliness. George said he discovered by the age of 10 that masturbation could make those lonely feelings go away and that eventually he no longer noticed his loneliness and desire for emotional connection. He also said that in the past he wouldn't even have been aware of missing Bridget, his attitude being basically one of "out of sight, out of mind"--which was probably literally true for him.

So far I have never met an alcoholic or addicted man who grew up in a warm, loving family with a secure attachment to his parents. Although I have heard men in recovery make generalized statements about having had a happy childhood or having grown up in a good family, they either are not able to give specific examples of what made their childhood family a happy, loving one or they acknowledge not feeling very attached to their family when they were children. Not having met any men in recovery who grew up in loving, supportive families doesn't mean they do not exist; but they are definitely in the minority of those who develop the disease of alcoholism or addiction.. More importantly, I have heard far more men in recovery talk about growing up in families with alcoholic/addicted parents, angry, hostile parents, punitive parents, unavailable parents. Thus it is no surprise that most of the men I have known in recovery could be classified as having an avoidant attachment style.

Having an avoidant attachment style means not being aware of a longing for emotional connection or minimizing its importance. But all of us are born with the desire to be closely connected to someone, so a lack of awareness of such a need as an adult does not mean an absence of such a need. Add to that the fact that many, many men view sex as a way to get close, and it makes sense that many of us who are alcoholics and/or addicts become obsessed with sex in one form or another as either a way to connect at least briefly or as a way to anesthetize our feelings of loneliness and longing for connection. If we are going to find our way to a secure, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship in recovery, we must take a look at our sexual attitudes and behaviors to see where they cause relationship problems.

Lastly, I have come to believe that one of the reasons that marriage or a "new love interest" (Vaillant) greatly enhances the chances for long-term sobriety for men is the way a happy intimate relationship takes away many of the reasons we become alcoholics or addicts in the first place. A partner whom we trust and love provides us with the kind of emotional connection that most of us lacked during our childhoods and the years we were drinking and using. Although we may have married someone before we got into recovery who could have provided that kind of connection, our drinking and using lead us to behave in ways that seriously disrupted the relationship. It is only when we are clean and sober and willing to do the necessary work to heal and sustain a marriage that we reap the benefits of marriage to our sobriety.

The Steps and Relationships in Recovery---Concluding Post

2007-10-29T16:46:00.000-07:00

Most married folks in AA have very happy homes. To a surprising extent, AA has offset the damage to family life brought about by years of alcoholism. Permanent marriage breakups and separations are unusual in AA.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Would that the above statement were as true today as it may have been when written more than fifty years ago. It would be wonderful if going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps were all that is needed to have a happy home in recovery. But my experience as a marital therapist as well as my observations as an active member of AA tell me otherwise. Working the steps is a necessary part of finding marital happiness in sobriety, but for most couples today it is far from being sufficient. Making relationships work in recovery requires more knowledge and skills than can be gained simply by working the steps.

Making any marriage work requires much more effort these days than it did when 12 Steps and 12 Traditions was written. During the Fifties, divorce was not seen as a real possibility for most couples even when partners in a marriage were deeply unhappy with each other. In such circumstances husband and wife often separated emotionally, living parallel lives, but they were less likely to separate physically and even less likely to end their marriage altogether. Nor was living together without being married viewed as a viable option by most couples a half century ago.

The Sixties and Seventies saw a major change in societal attitudes and practices regarding marriage and divorce. If one or both partners came to feel that their differences were insurmountable and remaining together was too painful emotionally, then separation and divorce became the solution for many couples. Although the divorce rate has diminished somewhat in the last two decades, it remains substantially higher today than it was for the parents of the Baby Boomers. As a result, staying married has become an ongoing choice, not an obligation---and that means that all couples, in recovery or not, have to acquire the skills and outlook that make it possible to stay together when the going gets (or has been) rough.

I suspect that the AA marriages Bill W was talking about in 12 Steps and 12 Traditions were not quite as happy as Bill stated. First of all, I wonder how happy and close Bill and Lois actually were in view of Bill's continuing extra-marital affairs. But more important, I wonder how accurate Bill's perceptions were about the marriages of other early AA members. I can't tell you how many times in the last 25 years a husband/boyfriend has urgently called my office requesting a first meeting ASAP because his wife/girlfriend has just announced she wants to end their relationship---in the initial counseling session I invariably hear the woman talk about how she has long been unhappy about the relationship and has repeatedly voiced that dissatisfaction, but the husband/boyfriend seemed unable/unwilling to hear her unhappiness until she had reached the point of no return and was ready to walk out the door. So I have become a bit suspicious when a guy in recovery pronounces his relationship as happy and free of problems unless I have also heard the same thing from his wife/girlfriend. We men seem to have a huge blindspot when it comes to accurately perceiving the state of our intimate relationships.

And that brings me to the next issue I want to talk about in this blog: gender. Men and women really are different, and those differences are significant when it comes to making a relationship work in recovery.

Step Twelve, Part Three---13th Stepping

2007-10-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

It is only where "boy meets girl on A.A. campus," and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop. The prospective partners need to be solid A.A's and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking. They need to be sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under pressures to cripple them.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

This is such important advice, and any good sponsor will be familiar with it. The 12-Step emphasis on avoiding any major changes in one's life during the first year as much as possible is particularly apropos when it comes to relationships---neither entering into a romantic relationship nor ending an ongoing relationship for the first year of recovery. Beginning or ending a relationship is highly stressful (although it doesn't feel that way at first when we have fallen in love and life seems so beautiful), and successful early recovery depends on keeping the stresses in one's life to a minimum. All of us with some time in the program have watched newcomers disregard this advice and the results have usually been poor if not disastrous.

And yet, and yet. My own experience flies in the face of this advice. Soon after I met S, realized I was (and am) an alcoholic/addict, and got clean and sober through Alcoholics Anonymous, S and I started dating seriously. We began living together when I had less than six months sobriety. 23 years later, we are still together, quite happily married, and our relationship is a cornerstone of my sobriety.

There are several reasons, it seems to me, why we were able to form a close relationship so early in my recovery that didn't threaten my sobriety. First, S had been involved in Alanon for many years before she met me and had learned how to detach with love when I would start to be a little squirrely. Second, I had been divorced for 8 years and had been celibate for almost a year before S and I met, so I was ready and emotionally available for a serious relationship once I got clean and sober. Finally, S told me she decided to take a chance on me despite my lack of time in the program because "you do your work." By that she meant that my willingness not only to get deeply involved in recovery, but also my willingness to use any other tools (personal therapy, couples counseling, reading, and talking with S) that would enhance both my recovery and my ability to be a responsible partner in our relationship.

It was not all smooth sailing by any means. I acted out in a dry drunk manner far too many times during the first year of our relationship. Several times I was convinced we weren't going to make it. But S's steadfastness and love for me, my deep love and admiration for her, and my willingness to take responsibility for my crazy behavior and seek to change it kept us together through the difficult times. Looking back, I have come to believe that my recovery has occurred because of our relationship during my early sobriety, not in spite of it.

In his wonderful long-term study of alcoholic men (The Natural History of Alcoholism: Causes, Patterns, and Paths to Recovery), George Vaillant found that AA was by far the most frequent reason that the men in his study were able to get sober and remain sober. But he also found that "a new love relationship---unscarred by the mixture of guilt and multiple psychic wounds that alcoholics inflict upon those whom they love--becomes valuable in maintaining abstinence."

That has certainly been true for me. Although S knows all about my drinking and using and the many problems it caused me and others close to me, she has never experienced me being drunk and/or loaded. There is no guilt for me to carry because of multiple psychic wounds inflicted on S before I got clean and sober. As a result, it has been much easier for our relationship to remain "current," so long as I practice the 10th Step, consciously taking my inventory and making prompt amends when I am wrong.

So I can't say that getting involved in a new love relationship in early recovery is always a mistake, is always a serious threat to continued sobriety. Most of the time, staying out of new relationships until a solid foundation of recovery has been built is excellent advice. This is especially true about relationships formed between two people new to recovery. Both of them lack the emotional stability and the relationship skills to make a partnership work. The odds of being able to achieve a good relationship are very low, while the odds of one or both of them going back out to drinking and using are very high. But if we meet someone who loves us, sees the person we can become provided we take our recovery seriously and work very hard to change, and can stay fairly balanced and detached whenever we momentarily fall down in our efforts, then I agree with Vaillant's findings that a new love interest can be a core part of our successful path to recovery.

Step Twelve, Part Two---Carrying the Message

2007-10-24T11:17:00.002-07:00

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other couples, and to practice these principles in all aspects of our lives, our relationships, and our families.
Step Twelve, Recovering Couples Anonymous

In 12-Step meetings we share our experience, strength, and hope about our recovery as a way of carrying the message about recovery from addiction to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers. By telling our story of what our life was like before we stopped drinking and using and what our life has become in recovery, we let newcomers know there is a solution to the problem of addiction and we support each other to remain committed to recovery.

I wish there were more willingness among those of us in good relationships to share the experience, strength, and hope about this part of recovery. What I have heard in meetings about relationships tends to be either how difficult and unhappy they are or a general statement about being in a good relationship without any details about what makes the relationship a good one or what the person has done to get to that place. I think it would be helpful if those of us in happy, loving relationships were more willing to talk about what we have learned and what we have done in recovery to develop and maintain such relationships.

This is an important way of carrying the message to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers because almost all of us are either in fairly dysfunctional relationships or no relationship before we surrender and begin the process of recovery. It is so helpful when we are struggling with that First Step and the implications it has for our lives to hear people talk about the possibility of being in a truly loving relationship when clean and sober.

It is also an important way of carrying the message to those of us in recovery who are struggling to learn what a healthy relationship is and how to go about achieving it. Sharing this kind of information is vital to our sobriety, because failed or failing relationships are one of the primary reasons people relapse or continue to be unhappy even though they are clean and sober. It is also vital to the health of our relationship because it helps remind us of the ongoing effort we must make to maintain the open, positive relationship with our partner that we treasure and that contributes so deeply to our continued sobriety.

Step Twelve, Part One---A Spiritual Awakening

2007-10-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

When a man or a woman has a spiritual awakening, the most important meaning of it is that he has now become able to do, feel, and believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being. ... In a very real sense he has been transformed.... He finds himself in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind, and love of which he had thought himself quite incapable.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

One of the things most of us alcoholics and addicts could not do on our own before recovery was to be in a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. Most of us grew up in families that were fairly dysfunctional---if there was not outright violence and emotional abuse and/or abandonment, there was usually an atmosphere of tension and unhappiness in our childhood home. At least that's been my observation as I've listened to people talk about their childhood in 12-Step meetings or in my office. As a result, when we become adults and enter into relationships we usually bring a number of dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors to our partnerships.

When we first get into recovery, we tend to point to our addictions as the source of all our relationship problems. But as we acquire time in recovery, many of us discover that we are still encountering a good deal of difficulty in our closest relationships. Even when we have some time in the program and have diligently worked the steps, we often still find ourselves in an unsatisfactory relationship with our partner. If we are able to avoid placing the blame for this state of affairs on our partner (or on ourselves as "f**ked up" alcoholic/addicts) and take responsibility for understanding and correcting the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors we learned while we were growing up, then with a strong commitment to change and the hard work that entails we are likely to find the happiness and satisfaction in our intimate relationships that we have always longed for.

I believe the kind of spiritual awakening described in the 12x12 is essential for anyone who wishes to be in a healthy, functional close relationship. The qualities listed in the quote at the beginning of this post are the qualities that are necessary to make relationships work well. There is a growing body of marital/couple research that demonstrates how vital honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind and love are to the well-being of a relationship. When those qualities are absent, intimate relationships inevitably deteriorate over time, ending either in separation and divorce or a miserable, distant relationship in which partners increasingly move to live separate, parallel lives while still living together.

The spiritual awakening created by working the Steps and the personal qualities engendered by that awakening will not in themselves bring about a loving, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. They are necessary, but not sufficient since most of us will have a lot of work to do to change the dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors we learned in childhood. But those qualities will give us the ability and the strength to look at these issues, to acknowledge how our childhood experience has negatively affected our ability to be loving partners, and to persevere in our efforts to adopt healthier beliefs and actions in our relationships.

Step Eleven, Part Four---Our Common Prayer and Meditation

2007-10-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

We sought through our common prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for his will for us and the power to carry that out.
Step Eleven, Recovering Couples Anonymous

One of the things that attracted me to S and S to me was our joint excitement about following a spiritual path in recovery. We spent many hours during the first few years of our relationship talking about our spiritual experiences and reading to each other things that inspired us in the spiritual books we were reading. Over the years we have attended first church and then a Buddhist sangha together. About ten years ago I suggested we pray out loud together at night just before going to sleep, and we have done that virtually every night since except when we are not together because one of us is away. During the past year we have begun trying to meditate 30 minutes together as many mornings as we are able.

There is no question in my mind that our spiritual life together has been a core piece of our deep bond with each other. There is also no question in my mind that all our talking and joint spiritual practices have been central to my recovery and to the spiritual awakening that Step Twelve promises will occur as a result of following the Steps. I am so grateful that we have this fundamental spiritual bond with each other, a bond which has only become stronger as the years have passed. It is the most powerful evidence we have that our relationship is God's will for us.

Step Eleven, Part Three---Conscious Contact

2007-10-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

In my experience, the emotional reactivity does not stop. We're not talking about getting rid of the experience of getting hooked. We're talking about when you get hooked, what do you do next?
As you're acting, you could ask, "Have I ever responded in this way before?" If the answer is, "yes, I always respond this way. This movie is a rerun," then you're acting unconsciously. You aren't even acknowledging that you're doing it again and getting the same result.
Pema Chodron, "Choosing Peace" in Shambhala Sun, November, 2007

In her article about "Choosing Peace" Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, writes about how often we find ourselves wanting to "settle the score" when someone has done something that upsets us. We want them to feel what we have felt, and we believe we can do that by paying them back, by "getting even." But retaliating in this way never makes things even, it only makes things worse. Unfortunately, one of the places we are most likely to yield to our emotional reactivity is in our intimate close relationships because that is the place where we are most vulnerable and most likely to feel hurt by what the other person has said or done.

Meditation is a very useful tool for learning to be less reactive in these kinds of situations. In meditation we can observe our feelings and our reactions without acting on them in the moment. As we do so over time, we gradually learn to detach a bit from our powerful emotions and our impulse to act on them. As Pema Chodron says, it's not that we can avoid being hooked by situations, but we can create enough conscious awareness of how we are feeling and what our usual automatic reaction is to that feeling to be able to make a choice about how we're going to respond. Being able to make a choice about our behavior means that we are also in a position to think about what the consequences will be for our relationship if our choice is based on trying to settle the score, on retaliating in an attempt to get even.

Step Eleven talks about using prayer and meditation as a means of increasing our conscious contact with our Higher Power in order to be clearer about what our Higher Power's will is for us. In our relationships I believe our Higher Power wants us to develop a kind, loving and compassionate heart which is open to our partner's needs and well-being. Using meditation as a tool to become less reactive when we are angry and/or hurt in our relationship is certainly one of the ways we can use meditation as a means of carrying out God's will for us.

Step Eleven, Part Two---Listening

2007-10-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

Meditation for me became "listening" not just to the Group of Drunks but also to all the beings I came into contact with--human or otherwise--and to myself. An important part of "improving" this "conscious contact" was to listen, or try to directly experience, each contact in the moment and without old stories, without projections into the past or future.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path

Kate left a frantic message on my answering machine that she and Joe needed to see me ASAP because Joe had told her he was seriously thinking of separating. When they arrived in my office two days later, Joe was visibly agitated. He began the session by saying, "I can't take this any longer! I know I'm supposed to stay on my side of the street and work my program, but I just can't deal with Kate anymore!" With that Joe, who has about six years of recovery from a cocaine-alcohol-sexual addiction, lapsed into a hostile silence.

Kate immediately responded, "Oh, it's all my fault, isn't it! I'm the evil wife, the crazy bitch! But I'm not the one who ruined everything because of my drinking and drugging! I'm not the one who slept around with everyone while my spouse struggled to keep things together!" And then Kate lapsed into a rageful silence of her own.

What a struggle it was to get them to start listening to each other's pain without angry attacks and defensive counter-criticism. It was clear that Joe and Kate had stopped listening to each other a long time ago, long before Joe acknowledged his addictions and made a commitment to recovery. After a brief honeymoon of a few weeks when Joe stopped using and started going to AA and SA, both of them had gone back to their old pattern of Joe saying he couldn't stand Kate's treatment of him and Kate justifying her behavior by blasting Joe for what he had done to her. It was a predictable, never changing, and ultimately boring interaction that both of them were quite tired of, but neither could seem to let go of. It was Joe who was finally ready to throw in the towel and end this unhappy relationship.

It seems to me that the meditation part of Step Eleven is helpful not only for improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power, but is also a very useful tool for learning how to listen. First we learn to listen to the incessant chatter of our own minds and to notice the constant judging, complaining, wishing, and planning of our egos. We learn how to listen without being totally caught up in our ego's stories. As we begin to learn to detach from the ego's demand for attention and gratification, we also begin to learn how to listen to our partners without our old, habitual stories. We begin to learn how to be fully present in the present with our partners, letting go of our biased memories of the past and our distorted projections of the future. As a result we begin to experience more direct contact with our partners, hearing, seeing, and understanding them as they are in the moment and realizing they are much more complicated and filled with possibilities than we once believed.

If there is one piece of advice I would give to every couple as they embark on the path of recovery it would be to learn how to listen to each other with full attention and respect. That alone doesn't guarantee that the path will always be smooth and easy, but it does guarantee they will find it much easier to navigate their way around whatever obstacles they encounter on that path.

Step Eleven, Part One---Self-Forgetting

2007-10-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

He (St. Francis) hoped, God willing, that he might be able to find some of these treasures, too. This he would try to do by what he called self-forgetting. What did he mean by "self-forgetting" and how did he propose to accomplish that?

He thought it better to give comfort than to receive it; better to understand than to be understood; better to forgive than to be forgiven.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Learning the way of self-forgetting is a key aspect of learning how to create a happy, delightful relationship in recovery. Mary has been learning that way this past year. When she first came to see me, she was four months clean and sober. She spent most of her time in the beginning talking about how awful her life was---her ex-husband seemed to go out of his way to make her life miserable, her teenage sons chose to live with her ex and seemed to side with him, her job as a teacher was exhausting and filled with petty annoyances, and she felt tired much of the time. Mary had remarried, but she was disappointed that her new husband wasn't able to fix her problems and make life better.

As Mary attended AA meetings, worked the steps with her sponsor, and began to awaken spiritually, she realized that her new husband was suffering from problems in his life. Approaching 50, he began to develop some serious health issues at the same time that his company was downsizing, leaving him increasingly anxious about being laid off and uncertain about finding another comparable job at his age if that happened. When Mary and her husband sat down to dinner, Mary began to inquire about how his day had been rather than launching into a long monologue about how dreadful her day had been. If her husband wasn't feeling well or had had a stressful day on the job, she moved to hug and comfort him. As she did this, she came to realize that she wasn't feeling quite so unhappy about her own life, which no longer seemed as awful as it had seemed when she was 120 days clean and sober.

At the same time, she came to realize that her teenage sons needed to be close to their dad, that this was a normal stage of their development. As she came to this realization, she was able to forgive them for their "abandonment" of her. Increasingly free of her resentment and anger toward them, she found herself developing a more positive relationship with them, enjoying whatever contact there was while also being grateful for having more time to spend with her new husband doing things they both enjoyed.

Mary also began to understand that her ex-husband was not intentionally trying to make her life miserable, but was trying to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed by being the custodial parent of 3 teenage boys who required much more parenting than he had realized when he was married to Mary and could leave much of the daily parenting tasks to her. With this new understanding, Mary no longer took her ex's behavior so personally, and could even feel some compassion for his struggle to learn how to be an effective hands-on parent. And as Mary conveyed her understanding of his difficulties to him, her ex began to express his appreciation and admiration for all the things she had done to parent her sons that he had always taken for granted.

In the end, following a spiritual path and developing the art of self-forgetting are what successful relationships in recovery are all about. As long as we focus on ourselves, on what we must have, on what we don't like, we are caught up in ego and unlikely to develop a satisfactory intimate relationship. It is when we forget the self, seek to comfort, forgive, and understand our partner, and think in terms of we rather than me that we begin to experience all the wondrous delights of joining our life with another human being in a relationship in recovery.

Step Ten, Part Four---Really Promptly

2007-10-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

The sooner we recognize and admit the truth, the less negative karma we build up. The longer we wait to correct our mistakes, the more we hurt ourselves and others. The repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

A news summary from CBS news about a study of how negativity affects marriages and close friendships reported , "Those in a negative relationship were 34% more likely to have a coronary event in the 12 years of follow-up." According to the researcher who conducted the study, Roberto De Vogli, the suspected reason for this finding is that people tend to mentally "replay" negative interactions. So the longer we wait to do our ongoing personal inventory and make prompt amends, the longer we and our partners have to go over and over any negative interactions which have occurred. And as this study indicates, mentally chewing on negative interactions with a partner is not only a cause of continued emotional suffering but can also lead to serious physical suffering as well. This research gives added meaning to Kevin Griffin's words that "the repercussions of our actions continue outward until we correct them."

Step Ten, Part Two---Promptly

2007-10-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

On occasion, I've tried to sit after having had a fight with my wife, and, right in the middle of meditation, stopped, gotten up, and gone to her to apologize. Seeing the suffering I had caused, my part in it, and the suffering I was experiencing as a result, prompted me to abandon any attempt at sitting and go take care of that amends.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Ed and Betty were clients of mine a number of years ago. When they first came to see me, Ed was still drinking. He didn't admit he was drinking alcoholically until he and Betty had been in counseling for about three months. Before he got sober, Betty would bitterly complain how Ed would get angry with her when he was drunk and make all kinds of unfounded accusations about her. The next day he would act as if nothing had happened, taking no responsibility for his behavior and often not even acknowledging the previous evening's conflict. Ed's behavior was not at all unusual; most of us alcoholics and addicts have frequently tried to deal with our inappropriate, hurtful behavior by pretending the next day that everything is just fine, that there is no need to bring up the previous day's episode and that certainly there is no need for us to apologize and make amends.

Those habits of denial and stonewalling are difficult to change even after some time in recovery. So many times I find myself giving S the silent treatment after we have quarreled about something. But I am certainly not silent inside my head as I self-righteously defend my position and behavior and insist that S is the one who is wrong. Fortunately, sooner or later (unfortunately, more later than sooner) a new voice begins to make itself heard inside my head which says, 'Remember Step Ten. What's your part in this problem? Where were you wrong? What amends do you need to make?" At first, the angry part of me says, "SHUT UP!", but that other voice persists until I admit first to myself and then to S how I've behaved badly and how I need to apologize for the harm I've done to her and to our relationship.

The funny thing is that I always feel better after I do that. And things usually get a lot better between S and me fairly quickly after I've acknowledged being wrong and apologized. There is rarely any leftover animosity or resentment once I have practiced the Tenth Step in this situation, and as a result our relationship has remained current all these years, unencumbered by old business from the past. So why do I insist on holding onto my anger until my suffering becomes unbearable and I decide to let it go and bring that suffering to an end? I wish I knew.

Step Ten, Part Two---Self-Restraint

2007-10-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot....We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Pete and Joan came to see me several months ago just as Joan was making a decision to move out of their home because she needed "space" to figure out how she feels about their marriage and whether she still wants to be married to Pete. Pete was initially shocked and confused, saying he hadn't seen it coming at all. As far as he could see, they have a very good marriage and he professed to be quite unaware of Joan's doubts about their relationship.

As we have begun to sort out what led Joan to make this decision, Pete's initial emotional numbness has given way to anger. He demands that Joan "stop this nonsense" and move back home immediately. Joan responds angrily herself, telling Pete to "back off and give me space." They have entered a critical moment in the counseling process. I told them if they aren't careful and make an effort to exercise some self-restraint in the midst of their strong emotions, one or the other of them (or both) can destroy with an intemperate remark their chance to discover the root of Joan's dissatisfaction and work to resolve it in a way that brings them back together. They are definitely at risk for speaking or acting hastily or rashly, thereby losing any chance to be fair-minded and tolerant.

Turning to John Gottman and his research once more, we find some striking findings that speak directly to this issue. He discovered as he was measuring pulse rates and blood pressure while a couple was talking about a contentious issue that there came a certain point when one partner would become emotionally flooded. At that point, the "fight or flight" response in the oldest part of the brain would be triggered so that a person either exploded in rage or stormed out of the room (or sometimes both.) Gottman was able to identify when that point was reached---when a person's pulse exceeds 100 beats a minute.

Once a person is physiologically and emotionally flooded, his or her ability to practice self-restraint is pretty much gone. So it is important to learn to recognize the signs that the flooding process is starting up (for men generally when their pulse exceeds 80 bpm and for women generally when their pulse exceeds 90 bpm.) Once we recognize that we are starting to be flooded, the best thing to do is to stop the interaction and ask for a timeout. If we wait until we are completely flooded before asking for a timeout, it will be too late, and we are likely to say or do things that are quite harmful to our relationship.

There are helpful ways and unhelpful ways to take a timeout. First of all, a timeout needs to be at least 20 minutes in duration because it takes that long for adrenaline to subside and for the heart to return to normal. Secondly, we need to soothe ourselves by doing something restful and calming such as taking a walk, listening to music, or some other nonstressful activity. At the same time, we must refrain from keeping up an angry dialogue in our head, seeing ourselves as the innocent victim of our partner's bad behavior; instead we need to use self-soothing tools such as the Serenity Prayer to restore us to sanity. Finally, when we do tell our partner we need to take a timeout, we also need to make a commitment to return to the discussion as soon as we have calmed down or as soon thereafter as is practical.

Gottman also learned from his research that men and women are quite different when it comes to flooding. On the whole, men are much more likely to reach a flooded state quicker than women are, so most of the time it is the man who needs to ask for a timeout. Also, once aroused by stress, men take longer to calm down than women, so they are likely to need longer timeouts. Finally, men are more likely to have negative thoughts which perpetuate their distress, while women are more likely to be self-soothing in their thinking and looking for ways to be conciliatory, so men need to be especially vigilant about using such tools as the Serenity Prayer to combat their self-righteous thinking.

Mother nature has played another trick in the gender department around the issue of flooding. While men are much more likely to be highly distressed when difficult, sensitive issues are being discussed so that they are the ones needing to call for a timeout before becoming flooded, women are much more prone to being flooded when an issue of importance to them is not being discussed and moved toward some kind of resolution. This means that a woman will remain in a state of increasing distress if her partner breaks off a discussion because of the need for a timeout and then is unwilling to resume the discussion at a later point. Thus it is imperative for a man to make a verbal contract to come back to an issue when he is requesting a timeout to cool down and then to keep his commitment by returning to the issue in a timely manner. Otherwise, his wife/girlfriend will bring up the issue again, but most likely in a harsher manner, which will in turn push him toward being flooded even sooner. And then the cycle of mutual negativity begins to take on a life of its own.

Step Ten, Part One---Relationship Maintenance

2007-10-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

I have been writing posts about applying the "action" steps (4-9) to cleaning up past wreckage and taking responsibility for relationship problems in recovery. But once we have put a lot of work into healing the damage done to our relationships prior to recovery, we need to turn our attention to keeping those relationships as healthy as possible as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. Practicing Step Ten on a daily basis is one of the keys to this process.

One of the most important aspects of self-searching I have learned over the years in my relationship with S is to take her seriously when she suggests that something seems to be going on to me. Many times during our first several years together, S would ask me what was bothering me and I would reply with that famous answer, "Nothing!" I was usually being honest when I answered that way because I was unaware of any negative feelings at the moment of my answer, but over the next day or two I would gradually come to a place where I would have to admit to myself (and then to S, which was even harder) that something was bothering me. After that happened a number of times, I realized that S is often more accurately aware of my emotional state than I am and that I should pay heed when she thinks something is going on with me that I'm not talking about. So an important part of my Step Ten self-searching comes from taking S seriously when she thinks something is going on with me and making the effort to figure out what it is.

Accepting and admitting what we find in our self-searching is a significant part of staying clean and sober and growing in our recovery. Accepting and admitting what we find when we look at our primary relationship clearly and comprehensively is also a significant part of maintaining a satisfying relationship. Over and over again I see couples whose relationship has become very unhappy and unsatisfactory because one or both partners wasn't willing to accept the problems that were developing or wasn't willing to admit their part in creating those problems. When we refuse to admit and accept the difficulties that have arisen in our relationship, we stop living in the present moment and get caught in unresolved feelings from the past. As a result, the relationship is no longer "current," and future difficulties stir up angry, disappointing feelings left over from unresolved difficulties of the past.

Step Ten also contributes to the maintenance of our relationships by pushing us to make a persistent effort to correct what is wrong. The key word here is "persistent." Some relationship problems are easily and quickly resolved, but many of them seem to come back again and again. In fact, John Gottman says that almost 60% of the problems couples encounter are "perpetual," never fully and finally resolved. But successful couples are willing to work with such problems repeatedly, often finding a partial or momentary solution that allows their relationship to remain current. He also discovered that a sense of humor was the best tool of all when it comes to dealing with such kinds of problems.

Finally, spending time together is of the essence if you wish to keep your intimate relationship in excellent health. Many years ago I saw a videotape of a marriage counselor who said that couples need an hour a day of direct contact with each other in order to stay connected. That hour can be broken up into 10 or 15 minute segments, but the critical thing is that partners be fully engaged with each other during those times. He went on to say that during the early years of his marriage, when he was working full-time, attending graduate school in the evenings full-time, and he and his wife were parenting 3 kids under the age of 5, they would hire a babysitter on Friday nites and go out on a date from 7 pm until 2 am, thereby getting in 7 hours of direct contact for the week in one evening. He said he doubted the marriage would have survived their extremely busy schedule if they had not made such an arrangement for the two years he was in graduate school. I concur with the need to make spending time together a top priority; if you don't, your relationship will seriously suffer and likely die.

Step Nine, Part Four---Except when to do so would injure them or others

2007-10-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or--quite as important--other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

In his comment to one of my posts on how secret-keeping endangers relationships in recovery, Namenlosen Trinker wrote that he would be leery about revealing infidelities to someone with whom he was still in relationship and wanted to know more of my thoughts about the matter. There is no obvious right answer to this problem. First of all, I think the important word in the 12x12 quote is "unsuspecting." This is tricky because in many instances our partner has had a gut sense telling him or her that we might be involved with someone else, although there is no direct evidence. And quite often in such cases, a spouse will either override such gut instincts, convincing her- or himself that she or he is just imagining things, or will remain quiet about such fears because she or he doesn't want to face the consequences of knowing the truth. So, when this is the case, can we say that such a spouse is truly unsuspecting? Will it help or harm the relationship if we reveal what our spouse has suspected in her or his gut without knowing it for certain?

There are also many times when a spouse is not, in fact, unsuspecting about our infidelities during the time we were drinking and using. What we thought was secret was obvious to her or him, although, again, a spouse may have chosen not to confront us about such knowledge because of anxiety about the consequences of the issue being openly discussed. In this case, if we make amends to a partner without acknowledging the reality of our infidelity, our partner is not going to believe in our "rigorous honesty," and is unlikely to come to feel safe and secure in the relationship.

Then there is the problem of what happens to us and to the relationship when we keep such information secret because we don't want to injure our unsuspecting partner. For most of us, keeping such matters secret seriously interferes with our ability to be vulnerable and open in intimate relationships---and openness and vulnerability are essential to a healthy, happy intimate relationship. When we keep our past secret, we have to be careful about saying something that might alert our spouse to past infidelities, and we live with the fear that someday the secret will be revealed.

Many times we don't make full revelations because we fear the serious harm it might do to US. I think it's safe to say that most partners will react with great distress when we make amends for any infidelities during our drinking and using years that have not yet been openly discussed (and our spouse will probably also be quite upset when we make amends for any infidelities which she or he already knows about.) There may be talk of divorce. Certainly there is a high probability that our spouse will tell us how hateful we are for having done such a thing and will be emotionally volatile for an extended period of time. We will have to rely on the support of our Higher Power, our sponsor, and friends in the program to help us stay present in our relationship and work through the angry and hurt feelings.

Making amends for past infidelities definitely calls for a "careful sense of timing." We must have established a solid foundation to our recovery and have developed a trusting relationship with a sponsor. If we are involved in couples counseling, we need to have established a good working relationship with the counselor and have come to trust that counselor's impartiality before venturing down this path. Obviously we must have ended the affair and be ready to commit to a monogamous
relationship before we make any such amends.

It is also important to consider our motivation if we choose to reveal a past infidelity to our partner. Are we trying to hurt our partner in some way? Are we trying to create a crisis so our partner will be left with the responsibility for deciding to end the relationship? Are we primarily trying to alleviate our guilt feelings without being committed to doing whatever it takes to help our spouse work through her or his pain and anger? Have we thought this through and talked about it with our sponsor and/or counselor or are we acting on impulse?

Finally, I find myself taking the quote at the top of this article with more than a few grains of salt because of who wrote it. Bill Wilson was apparently unfaithful to Lois many times over and continued in a fairly public extramarital affair long after he helped write the Steps. I don't know if he and Lois ever talked openly about this, but it is hard to believe that Lois was "unsuspecting." If Bill had given Lois a detailed account of his extramarital adventuring, he might well have had to deal with a less than adoring wife and might have had to confront and do something about his apparent sexual addiction. I realize "times were different then" (and they were), but the words "where to make a full revelation woluld seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends" rings a little hollow.

Step Nine, Part Three---Forgiveness One More Time

2007-10-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness is a mostly internal experience. At one daylong retreat I was teaching, people talked a lot about how they didn't want to let someone off the hook, absolve them of responsibility, by forgiving them. I think it's important to draw the distinction between forgiveness and absolution. Forgiveness is something we do in our own hearts to relieve ourselves of the pain of resentment. It's not saying that the person is off the hook for any harm they have caused. If fact, we aren't capable of letting someone off the hook--the Law of Karma is responsible for that. If we can be very clear about this distinction, it helps as we enter into the delicate work of forgiveness. We forgive others so that we can heal ourselves. For no other reason.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

A description of resentment I heard early in the program is one that still makes the most sense to me. Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. I can definitely relate to that. If I allow a resentment to take root in my mind, it just grows and grows every time I see or even think about the person I'm resentful of. It isn't long before it just completely takes over my mind for long periods of time. And I'm the one who suffers, not the person with whom I have a resentment.

I would disagree with Kevin Griffin that the only reason we forgive others is to heal ourselves. If we are in a long-term relationship we also forgive our partners so we can heal the relationship. No relationship can thrive in the midst of ongoing resentments. When resentment is present in a relationship, it quickly tips the ratio of interactions between partners from five positive ones for every negative interaction, which characterizes a happy relationship, to a ratio of one to one, which
is never enough to sustain a healthy relationship.

So how do we heal resentments enough to be able to forgive our partner? The program suggests that we pray for someone with whom we're angry, which is an excellent and effective strategy. Buddhism suggests a similar strategy, employing what Buddhists call an antidote to anger. As soon as we become aware of a resentful thought about our partner, at that same moment we can try to introduce a thought of patience or compassion or loving-kindness. Because of the way our minds work, it is virtually impossible to entertain both the wish to harm and the wish to love our partner at the same moment. The more we can generate thoughts of compassion and loving-kindness whenever an angry, resentful thought about our partner arises, the more easily we will come to the place when we can let go of the resentment and allow ourselves to forgive our partners for whatever they have done or failed to do. This kind of antidote to resentment also helps with our spiritual awakening and development, which is, after all, the desired outcome of working the Steps to the best of our ability.

Step Nine, Part Two---Living Amends

2007-10-02T10:07:00.001-07:00

This might be the first lesson about amends: you can't take it back, you can't fix what you broke....you don't totally repair the damage you've done to someone's life....no one act can overturn all our past transgressions
What mattered was the movement towards healing. When (my brothers) saw over the coming years that I had changed my way of living, I think this meant more to them than the small acts of contrition I'd performed.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

The other day Anonymous posted a comment in which she said her "recovering/not recovering" alcoholic husband once said to her, "I know you'll always forgive me." That sounds like the remark of someone who really doesn't understand and accept the most important part of Step Nine---we follow up our verbal amends by changing our behavior and making a concerted effort not to do the same thing again and again. Otherwise, our amends don't really mean very much, especially to our partners.

As Kevin Griffin says, we can't fix what we've broken, we can't completely repair the damage we've done to our partner's life. This doesn't mean that we are to wallow in guilt for the rest of our lives about what we've done; but it does mean that repairing our closest relationships will require not only a great deal of work on our part, but also a lot patience and willingness to keep at it when our partner fails to respond quickly in a positive manner to our efforts to change. Just as we learn in 12-Step programs that recovery is a lifelong, sometimes arduous process, so we must realize that healing a relationship damaged by addiction requires changing the way we relate to our partner---and that requires much more active, ongoing work than simply acknowledging the harm we have done to our partner and to the relationship. We have to live our amends, not merely express them.

Step Nine, Part One---Timing

2007-10-01T18:50:00.001-07:00

The moment we tell our families that we are really going to try the program, the process has begun. In this area there are seldom any questions of timing or caution....we usually want to sit down with some member of the family and readily admit the damage we have done by our drinking. Almost always we want to go further and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with.... At this first sitting, it is necessary only that we make a general admission of our defects. it may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes. Good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Many years ago I was working with a young woman whose alcoholic father had been in recovery for a number of years. As our work in therapy progressed, she realized she wanted to talk to her dad about what had happened and how it had affected her. She also wanted to ask him questions in order to get a better understanding of her childhood. We spent a number of sessions considering what she wanted to say and ask and how she wanted to say it---she was clear she didn't want it to be an angry confrontation where she would attack her dad for all the harmful things he had done. But she did want the chance to talk openly about how it had affected both of them.

She was almost in tears when she came to a session following the meeting with her dad. When she told him she wanted to talk about his drinking and how it had affected her, he cut her off by saying, "That's all in the past. Why do we need to talk about that now? I already made my amends." And that was the end of that as far as he was concerned.

In the 12x12, Bill Wilson talks about how eager a person is to tell his immediate family when he has surrendered to the reality of his alcoholism/addiction and made the decision to get involved in a 12-Step program. He goes on to say that such a person will readily admit the damage he or she has done and will even "almost always" want to go on to admit other defects that made him/her "hard to live with." I'm not so sure that most alcoholics/addicts are all that eager to admit to the damage they have done or to talk about defects that made them hard to live with just as they are acknowledging they have lost control and need to work a program. That doesn't fit with my experience as a clinician or as a member of AA.

But I do think that all too often, we alcoholics and addicts believe that once we have done a Ninth Step with our partners and any other immediate family members we are off the hook so to speak. We have acknowledged and taken responsibility for our wrongs, and for many of us that should be the end of it, as my client's father believed. But that kind of attitude is not helpful if we are truly interested in healing our closest relationships.

First of all, we are likely to make amends to our partners and children when we are ready to make them, not when they are ready to hear them. Most of the time, we are ready before they are. We have been going to meetings, talking to our sponsors, and doing a variety of other things to enhance our recovery. By the time we get to the Ninth Step, we are ready for this to be the end of looking at the wreckage of our past so that we can move on with our lives. Moreover, most of us will have apologized to our partner at least a couple of times for the "bad things' we did while drinking and using.

But other members of our immediate family are not nearly as likely to be ready to truly hear our Ninth Step amends. It is exceptional when the spouse of an alcoholic/addict makes the same kind of commitment to a 12-Step program and the recovery process right from the beginning. It is even rarer for children to realize their need for participation in the recovery process. Thus it is often the case that a partner and children are still struggling with so much angry resentment and/or anxiety about a relapse that they are unable to take in the alcoholic/addict's Ninth Step. So, as Bill Wilson says at the end of the quote that begins this post, "good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time" about making amends to immediate family members. A "careful sense of timing" means paying attention not only to when we are ready to make the amends, but when our partners and children are ready to hear them in the spirit in which they are being made.

Timing is not just a matter of when, but also of how many times. By this, I don't mean saying, 'I'm sorry" over and over again for our behavior when we were drinking and/or using. That wears awfully thin after about the second time. But making verbal amends (I will talk about "living amends" in a subsequent post) should not be the end of the matter as it was for the father of my client. Our behavior when we were still practicing our addiction was often experienced by our partners and/or children as confusing, shocking, deeply hurtful, traumatic, or abusive. In order for them to understand and make sense of what happened, to heal the anger and pain they still carry, and to come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness, most of them will need to talk about the past multiple times. If we wish to go to any lengths to heal the damage to our closest relationships, then we must be generous with our willingness to talk about what happened over and over again if need be.

Finally, the willingness to wait until people in the family are genuinely ready to hear our amends and to be open to talking many times if necessary about the damage our drinking and drugging caused does not mean that we are giving a partner or our children carte blanch to beat us over the head again and again with what bad, unloving, uncaring people we were. When a partner misses no opportunity to berate us once more for what we did to them before we got clean and sober, they are not trying to heal themselves or the relationship. Instead they have gotten stuck in the victim/martyr mode and are refusing to do their part of the work to heal things. We are not doing them, ourselves, or our relationship a favor by repeatedly making Ninth Step amends when this is happening. That will only feed the dysfunctional process and keep it going. The best thing to do in such instances is to make an effort to talk about the process that is occurring and how destructive it is to the relationship.

Step Eight, Part Two---Forgiveness

2007-09-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

Let's remember that alcoholics are not the only ones bedeviled by sick emotions. Moreover, it is usually a fact that our behavior when drinking has aggravated the defects of others....In many instances we are really dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose woes we have increased. If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

If there's something a long-term relationship requires, it's this ability to let go of the last battle and begin again with kindness. When teaching about forgiveness recently, I found myself saying, "I'm an expert on forgiveness: I'm married." This got a big laugh, but indeed, if you can't forgive, your marriage probably won't last very long, or at least it will be a painful one.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Bruce, a recovering cocaine and sex addict, has been coming to counseling for several months. Many weeks, he brings in another story about how his wife has accused him of being interested in another woman or has once again angrily told him he has permanently ruined her life. We talk about ways he might avoid becoming defensive while gently suggesting to her that she might find relief for her suffering by attending S-anon or some other -anon program. Unfortunately, as so often happens in recovery, she insists that he is the one with the problem and that her angry resentment is justified.

I have known a few marriages which have not only survived but thrived in recovery even when the non-alcoholic/addicted partner chose not to become involved in a 12-Step program. But such marriages are the exception. The great majority of marriages in which only one partner participates in some kind of recovery program either wind up in divorce or limp along painfully for both partners. Without the 12-Step emphasis on letting go and on dealing with your own issues, it is exceedingly hard for the partner of an alcoholic/addict to forgive their recovering spouse for what he or she did during the years of active addiction.

Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do. To reach the place where you are ready to forgive someone who has harmed you requires a good deal of time and work. There is no established timetable for becoming ready to forgive and no easy recipe for doing the work, although working all of the Steps is a great help. A willingness to consider the possibility of forgiving a partner and a faith that you will one day be ready to forgive are essential to the process.

I have recently read some professional articles questioning whether it is even appropriate for a therapist/counselor to encourage a client to think about making forgiveness a goal. Certainly there may be some particularly harmful behaviors which a partner cannot and, perhaps, should not forgive. But unless there are compelling reasons to remain in such a marriage, I think everyone, including the children, will be better off if the marriage dissolves so that both partners are able to move past the last battle and begin a new relationship with kindness. Otherwise, as Kevin Griffin says, "if you can't forgive, your marriage...will be a painful one."

Step Eight, Part One--The Whole Pattern of our Lives

2007-09-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

My spiritual life isn't contingent upon some transcendent meditative experience, but rather my ability to recognize that the person I'm sitting across the breakfast table from is a precious gift in my life; she is my lover, my teacher, my friend. And yet, how many times do I come into conflict with her? Feeling threatened or fearful. Wanting her to behave differently, thinking she doesn't understand me, doesn't appreciate me. On and on. Here again, I'm confronted with the whole pattern of my life. The blaming and judging. The wish to control.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

In the 12x12 Bill Wilson writes about how the process of making a list of all the people we have harmed and looking at the ways we have harmed them can reveal the underlying pattern of our lives. When we take a clear, unflinching look at the way we have behaved in our closest, most intimate relationships, we will also see the whole pattern of our lives, as Kevin Griffin indicates. We may, for instance, see how we have been emotionally distant and unavailable over and over again, which is a good indication that we suffer from the kind of avoidant attachment disorder I wrote about in my earliest posts (and we do suffer when we lack close, secure attachments, although we may tell ourselves we really don't need or want such attachments.) Or we may see how self-centered and self-preoccupied we have been with our partner(s), rarely seeing things from his or her point of view or being willing to give serious consideration to our partner's needs and desires. If we are men, we may come to realize as we do a Step Eight about our intimate relationship(s) how unwilling we have been to do our fair share of household and family tasks. If we are women, we may see how often we feel resentful and unhappy about our partner's behavior and act from that place of resentment and unhappiness.

A good way of thinking about Step Eight in terms of our relationships in recovery is to make a roster of harms we have done to our partner---"the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable." (12x12) The Bluebook of Recovering Couples Anonymous lists an inventory of wrongdoing which partners might consider when working on Step Eight-------

Four Categories of Wrongdoing

Emotional Wrongs
Venting rage
Holding resentments
Withholding information
The Silent Treatment
Shaming and blaming statements

Material Wrongs
Money--Excessive borrowing, overspending, withholding
Contracts--Cheating or not abiding by them
Disregarding others' boundaries around their personal things
Destroying or violating jointly owned property

Moral Wrongs
Setting bad examples for those who look to us for guidance
Excessive preoccupation/obsession with people or projects which makes us
unavailable to our partners and/or children
Sexual infidelity, broken promises, lying
Personal abuse
Dishonesty and lying
Broken commitments

Spiritual Wrongs
Neglect of obligations
Avoiding self-development
Lack of gratitude
Neglect of spiritual life
Lack of humility
Righteousness

That seems like a pretty comprehensive and specific list of harms to consider when writing down the ways we have harmed our partners over the years.

Finally, Laura S. has an interesting take on Step Eight and the whole pattern of her life before she stopped drinking and joined AA:

I was all set to move on to Step Nine when I heard a woman whose story I identified with a lot talk about the eighth step. I was digesting what she said about putting her own name at the top of the list when she stunned me by adding that she next had to put down the name of all the people who had harmed her, because she had been a compliant victim. Suddenly I saw how many times I had been "victimized" because I had put myself in the position to be, out of self-centered fear, and how much mileage I had gotten out of pity--especially self-pity--for all the "terrible things" that had been done to me.
12 Steps on the Buddha's Path

I'm not real comfortable with this idea because there's a danger of blaming the victim (in this case, oneself) for the harm done to her or him. I'm not sure this approach would help heal a relationship in recovery. On the other hand, there certainly are people, often abuse survivors, who go from one abusive relationship to the next; and it is imperative for such a person to see this pattern and take action to step out of it permanently by not tolerating a partner who is physically and/or emotionally abusive in the relationship.

Step Seven, Part Three---Self-Centered Fear

2007-09-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear--primarily that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

I discovered that self-centered fear was indeed fueling the anger---fear of loss, fear of abandonment, of not getting what I needed, of losing what I had. And the more deeply I peeled, the more my certainty increased that self-centered fear underlay everything that consistently made me uncomfortable.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path

Last week Doug and Judy were in for their once-a-month "maintenance" counseling appointment. By the end of the session, I found myself wondering what it is that they're trying to maintain. It certainly didn't seem like a happy, loving, mutually satisfying relationship.

Doug began the session by complaining that Judy hadn't done her part of their homework as she had promised she would if he did his part. He reminded me of a little boy in the back seat of the car complaining to dad that his sister wasn't staying on her side of the seat. Judy said she hadn't done her part of the homework because of all the times in the past when Doug had not been nice to her. She reminded me of a little girl complaining to mom that her brother wouldn't stop poking her so she wasn't going to stop bugging him.

We live in a culture that is saturated with admonitions to "have it your way!"; "you deserve it!"; and other slogans designed to reinforce our sense of entitlement to whatever we are demanding. Our political process has come to be based on politicians exploiting our fear of losing what we already possess. So it is understandable that we can so easily fall into a relationship based more on self-centered fear than on other-directed support and mutuality.

Fortunately, those of us who are members of 12-Step programs receive a much different message. Our experiences with addiction have taught us how unmanageable our lives are when they are guided by our selfish thoughts and actions. In order to live a life free of addiction, we come to realize we must allow our egos to be deflated, must let go of focusing so much on what we want and expect, must learn the "difference between a demand and a simple request." We discover how service and mutual support provide us with much more satisfaction and fulfillment than trying to respond to our self-centered fears of losing something we already possess or failing to get something we demand.

Funny how easily we can lose sight of these basic principles after we have established an intimate relationship with someone else. Once we are past the initial infatuation and sexual excitement and discover that we are not the same and often don't want the same things, we all too quickly stop thinking about "practicing these principles in ALL our affairs." We may continue to be a great mentor and sponsor to newcomers in the program and we may be valued as an important contributor at work, but at home we find ourselves "living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands (so that) we are in a state of continual disturbance and frustration."

Living in a close relationship with another human being is a humbling experience. Over and over again we are confronted by our character defects, by the things that consistently make us uncomfortable ("things that consistently make me uncomfortable is my working definition of shortcomings, character defects, wrongs and the like"----Laura S.) Perhaps no place else is the need for humility greater than living with someone else in an intimate and sustained relationship. The more we are able to let go of our self-centered fears of losing what we have and not getting what we demand, the more we are able to experience the kind of humility the Seventh Step is talking about.

Step Seven, Part Two---Character-Building

2007-09-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness. Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself....

Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems. We never wanted to deal with suffering. Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us.
12 Steps and 12 Tradition

In order for our shortcomings to be removed, we have to be willing to make major changes.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

I saw an article this morning which said that less than half the people who married in the Seventies stayed married long enough to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The article also showed how much this contrasted with people who married in the Fifties---almost 2/3 of them celebrated a Silver wedding anniversary. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll hasn't been a very good basis for long-term marriages in the Baby Boom generation.

This is not to say that the parents of the baby boomers had marriages that were all that wonderful. Many of those people were deeply unhappy in their partnerships, but they didn't believe they had the option of ending them. This was especially true for women, who knew they faced a very difficult life financially and emotionally if they decided to end an unhappy marriage. Their daughters made sure they would not be put in this position by entering and remaining in the work force in record numbers.

Since financial necessity is no longer a glue holding marriages together, most couples rely on the emotional bond between them to serve as the foundation for their relationship. But maintaining a strong emotional bond requires a good deal of work after the 12-18 month honeymoon ends as the neurotransmitter, oxyctocsin, begins to wane. Emotional pain and relationship problems are not easy things to deal with. As the 12x12 says, for most of us "our lives have been devoted to running from pain and problems."

When those of us who are addicted or are intimately involved with someone who is addicted recognize our powerlessness over the addiction and surrender to the process of recovery, we are setting ourselves up for a good deal of character-building behavior, whether we know it or not. Sobriety and recovery involves hard work and often frequent temporary setbacks. There are many times when we don't know how we're going to get through the day, but we find the way as we rely on our Higher Power and other people in the program to support us. Out of this process we gradually become people who learn to deal with life's problems on life's terms. And that, in turn, builds character.

I believe the same process is at work in our intimate relationships. That is where our character defects, our shortcomings, are most obvious and most frequently observed. Whether it's healing a long-term relationship severely disabled by years of addiction or it's creating and developing a new close relationship in recovery, we are going to have to make a sustained effort to become the kind of person who can be a caring, loving, responsible partner. We will not only have to recognize and take responsibility for the character defects which harm our partner and/or our relationship, we will also have to be ready and willing to let go of those character defects. As Kevin Griffin says in the quote above, we will have to be willing to make major changes with the help of our Higher Power if we are to let go of these character defects enough to sustain the viability of our relationships.

I have come to see being and remaining in a close relationship as probably the most powerful and most effective tool for building character we can find in sobriety. Although the many changes in our culture during the last forty years have made it much easier to end an unhappy marriage without dire financial or social consequences, learning how not only to stay in a long term relationship but also to thrive in it is a great source of positive self-esteem and contentment. When we do choose the character-building effort to make a relationship work over the short-term comfort of running away from pain and problems, we will indeed be more likely to find real happiness.

Step Seven, Part One---Humility

2007-09-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

Some different takes on humility

The basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

We don't think less of ourselves, we we think about ourselves less
RCA Bluebook

We allow our concept of who we are to fall away and instead face the facts of our
lives.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

An accurate assessment of our assets and liabilities
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path

I had an experience yesterday that brought home one more time how central the concept of humility is to a healthy, happy relationship. Over the summer I went through a mini-health crisis when some lab results came back that were well out of the normal range. Further testing and several weeks of heavy-duty antibiotics brought the number back down to the lower range of normal. A few weeks ago S asked if I would get retested in 3 months just to be sure there is no problem. I said I would do it after the first of the year.

So yesterday, S reiterated her wish that I get retested in 3 months, which would be December. I copped an attitude and said angrily, "I'm going to do it after the first of the year!" When S retorted, "But that's 4 or 5 months away!", I adopted the evil eye, stony face, and just stared at her angrily. And stayed that way for the rest of our lunch hour. I wasn't able to let go of my self-righteous anger ("It's my body, I get to decide if and when I will get more lab tests done!!") for several hours.

And this happened just after I had written the previous post emphasizing the need for husbands to be willing to be influenced by their wives!!! No way could I say my behavior was based on a desire to seek and do God's will. I certainly was thinking more, not less, about myself and my "rights"; I wasn't letting my righteous self-concept fall away so that I could accurately assess my liabilities. It wasn't until I admitted the inappropriateness of my response first to myself and then to S, made an amends, and finally asked my HP to remove this self-righteous stubbornness which continues to plague our relationship that I was able to get back into emotional balance.

This episode was also an excellent reminder about the dangers of setting myself up as some kind of relationship in recovery guru in this blog. As I've looked back over my posts, I can see there's often an underlying subtext which declares I've got it all figured out and have reached some kind of enlightened state of being when it comes to understanding relationships in recovery. Yesterday's experience was a humiliating reminder that I've still got a long way to go before someone could say, "He really walks his talk." Thank goodness for Step Seven and its emphasis on humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings.

Step Six, Part Four---Readiness

2007-09-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

I really was willing to let go of my "defects of character,: but I was in no way ready. These failings were nothing less than my barrier of defenses against the world that I had vigilantly erected during my thirty-five years. I could not let go of them until I could put something else in their place.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path

Before I got clean and sober, I knew very little about how to be in a good relationship. In my first marriage, I had remained silent about my doubts and concerns. I made decisions that had a huge impact on my relationship either by making them unilaterally or by going along with my wife's wishes without saying how I felt. I was quite unwilling and unable to let my wife in and allow her to influence me in any significant way. By the time I got seriously into pot and alcohol, we had already begun to live increasingly separate lives. Pot and alcohol only made our emotional separation that much greater.

My experience with relationships during a decade of being single after divorcing my first wife only confirmed how little I knew about making relationships work. Since my focus was on drugs, sex, and rock and roll, it's no surprise that none of my relationships during this period lasted very long. Before I surrendered and admitted my addiction to alcohol and pot, I had come to the conclusion that I would be single the rest of my life.

Then I met S. She not only helped me realize the nature of my disease and the need for a program of recovery, she also taught me the fundamentals of being in a relationship and how to make it workable. Fortunately, I was finally ready to learn. And the most important way I showed that readiness was my willingness to listen to what S had to say and to take her seriously. Another way of describing this is that I was willing to be influenced by her.

Turns out that John Gottman has identified the willingness by a male partner to be influenced by his girlfriend/wife as the single most important factor in predicting which relationships will be successful. In his research Gottman saw that when a man is willing to listen fully and carefully to his female partner and to consider seriously what she is saying, the relationship thrives. Gottman is careful to say that he does not mean a perfunctory "Yes dear!" or the man not voicing his own desires and preferences. But he does mean that in successful partnerships, men are ready and willing to let their behavior and decisions be influenced by the wants and needs of their partners.

Let's face it; most of us men don't know learn much while we're growing up about how to make intimate relationships work. If we are lucky, we learn how to compete and strive to win, how to work hard to attain a goal, how to play when work is done, and other behaviors that ensure success in the world of work. But we don't learn much about what it takes to make a relationship be successful until we are taught by our partners---if we are willing to listen to them and take them seriously.

Gottman emphasizes the readiness of men to be influenced by their wives because he found that most wives most of the time are willing to be influenced by their husbands. But there is a way of being ready to have a defect removed which is important for women to learn and understand: the willingness to engage their husbands with what Gottman calls a "soft startup." By that he means that when a women brings up an issue for discussion (and 90% of the time, it's the female in a relationship who expresses a complaint or wants to talk about an issue), it is important that she do so in a lowkey, "soft" way if she wishes to be reasonably successful in engaging her husband.

Gottman found that when women start out with a lot of anger or other strong emotions, men almost invariably respond defensively and seek to end the discussion even before it has begun. He speculates that this may be because men are much more physiologically reactive (i.e., increased pulse rate and blood pressure due to increased adrenaline in the bloodstream) than women to strong emotions so that their "fight or flight" response is more quickly activated. But he also points out that when women feel they are being listened to and taken seriously, they are much less likely to be coming from a place of strong emotions when they begin an interchange with their husbands.

Those of us in recovery, both men and women, were usually guilty of these serious relationship defects when we were still practicing our addictions. We men were especially prone not to take the women in our lives seriously. And our partners had usually gotten to a place of being in a state of constant anxiety and anger long before we surrendered to recovery. It takes, therefore, a good deal of surrender and readiness to have our Higher Power remove these defects of our character and a lot of work on our part to adopt a stance of allowing our partners to influence us while letting go of our angry demands and criticisms. It is almost always a humbling experience.

Step Six, Part Three--Sexual Addiction

2007-09-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. But when they drive us blindly...(that) is a measure of our character defects

But how many men and women speak love with their lips, and believe what they say, so that they can hide lust in a dark corner of their minds?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

For a number of years in recovery, I attended a large (100-150) men's AA meeting. At first occasionally and then more frequently, members began to talk about their increasing visits to online pornography sites as the Internet spread to virtually every household. As it became safe to talk about this issue, many members also began to acknowledge going to strip joints often and/or seeking out prostitutes. And then as sites such as Craig's List developed, some members of the group began to speak about using these sites as an easy way to "hook up." Although this was an AA meeting, the freedom to talk about these issues helped many members realize they were out of control sexually in the same way they had been out of control with alcohol and drugs. Eventually, many of them began introducing themselves as "Hi, I'm .... and I'm an alcoholic/drug addict and a sex addict."

I've seen the same thing happen in my practice. Increasingly, one of the major issues for couples is a partner (almost always the male partner) spending more and more time looking at online pornography. Just as with alcohol and drugs, there is lots of secrecy, rationalizing, minimizing, and lying. And just as is true in couples affected by alcoholism and/or drug addiction, the non-using partner is hurt, angry, and distrustful. I suspect that well over half the men who have lost control of their drinking and/or use of drugs have also already lost control of their sexual desires or will do so in recovery as they begin to substitute sex for substances.

Sex is just as much a problem for women who are addicted. I know a therapist who has worked with well over a hundred recovering women during her career, and everyone of those women had a history of sexual abuse. All of these women, she reports, struggled with their sexuality. For some the problem was getting repeatedly involved sexually with people who were harmful. For others, the problem was being unable to maintain sexual interest after making a long-term commitment to a relationship. And for yet others, there were problems with eating or compulsive spending. Although not every woman who is addicted to alcohol and/or drugs has a history of sexual abuse, I suspect that the overwhelming majority do and that their sexuality has been affected by it.

I have come to believe that for most of us in recovery, our "abundance of natural desires" do indeed "drive us blindly." And it is not only a character defect, it is a relationship defect as well because of the hurt and distrust it so often creates. In no way do I see our sexuality as "sinful;" but I do believe that unless we take an honest look at our sexuality in recovery and admit how powerless we frequently are in this area of our life, we are pretty unlikely to develop healthy, satisfying relationships as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

Step Six, Part Two--Relationship Defects, Part Two

2007-09-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

Abuse and abandonment are fairly obvious relationships defects. But there are several less obvious defects that are quite damaging to the health of a close relationship. Marital researcher, John Gottman, has discovered four behaviors, which he has dubbed the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which usually lead to the demise of a relationship if left uncorrected. These four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Gottman distinguishes criticism from complaints. Criticism is a negative comment about who a person is while complaint is a negative comment about a particular behavior at a particular time. Criticism is almost always detrimental to a relationship, but complaints are essential to the well-being of a relationship because they identify problems which must be solved. Criticism usually begins with the word "you" and goes on to make some negative statement about the (usually bad) kind of person "you" are. Complaints are more likely to begin with the word "I" and go on to make a statement about my feelings in response to a particular behavior in a specific situation. Criticism frequently uses the words "always" and "never," while complaints are about specific incidents.

Perhaps the most important thing about criticism is that it rarely works, at least not in a way that solves problems or deepens understanding. Usually it evokes anger and the second of the Four Horsemen, defensiveness, in the recipient. Feeling the victim, a partner on the receiving end of criticism is likely to respond by denying responsibility, making excuses, countering with a criticism, using a "yes-but" statement, whining, or several other behaviors which avoid taking any responsibility for the problem. But defensiveness works no better than criticism in resolving conflict; instead it usually just intensifies the conflict, leaving both partners angry and disheartened.

When a relationship is filled with these two defects, criticism and defensiveness, it is only a matter of time before the other two defects, contempt and stonewalling, show up. Contempt is about intentionally trying to insult or emotionally abuse a partner. Contempt comes out of feeling disgust for the other person, out of seeing that person as stupid, incompetent, or a fool. Name-calling, mockery, hostile sarcasm all convey a stance that says "I see no positive qualities in you, I have no respect for you." It is always accompanied by a sneer, although the sneer may be so fleeting that it isn't seen; nonetheless, it certainly is felt.

When a relationship is filled with contemptuous remarks and behaviors, it is in very poor shape. It isn't long before one of the partners, more often the male in a close relationship, moves to a posture of stonewalling. As the word implies, the partner becomes a stone wall, sitting or standing with folded arms and a hostile gaze, but saying nothing. The person's entire demeanor is meant to convey "I'm not listening to anything you say!" Often the stonewalling comes to an end with an enraged "Screw you!" or something similar and an abrupt stalking out of the room.

When couples find themselves in an endless cycle of negativity filled with contempt and stonewalling, they begin to avoid each other as much as possible, living increasingly separate lives. Affairs are quite common when this point has been reached. Sometimes couples will stay together in this emotionally distant place for years "because of the kids" or because neither of them wants to take the responsibility for ending the marriage. Then everyone, the couple, their children, their families, and their close friends all suffer.

Certainly we have all seen or, at least, heard about these kinds of relationships too many times in 12-Step meetings. Often people in meetings talk about the problems in their relationship being caused by too much conflict. They imagine that a good relationship is one free of arguments and disagreements. Gottman's research shows this is not the case. There are happy, thriving relationships in which partners argue loudly and often; while there are unhappy, miserable relationships in which partners rarely express an angry word. It is not the frequency or intensity of conflict that determines whether a relationship will be satisfying or unsatisfying; rather, it is the ratio of how much positive interaction occurs between two people compared to how much negative interaction they experience. In his close study of hundreds of videotapes of couple interactions, Gottman found that there were always just about five positive interactions for every negative one in happy couples; while in unhappy couples, that ratio was about one positive for every negative. In other words, the power of relationship defects is so great that it takes a considerable amount of positive behaviors to overcome them. Becoming ready to have a Higher Power remove these defective behaviors is essential for the healing and long-term health of all relationships in recovery.

Step Six, Part One--Relationship Defects, Part One

2007-09-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

Just as it is vital for us to become aware of our individual character defects if we are to recover from drug addiction, so is it essential for us to realize the nature of the defects in our closest relationships if we wish them to recover from the damage done by addiction and to thrive in recovery. During the last ten years, marital researchers, particularly John Gottman, have identified a number of behaviors that are highly damaging to the health and long-term viability of close relationships. I will outline the relationship defects that are the most harmful to mutual satisfaction in intimate relationships.

At the top of the list is abuse, both physical and emotional. Physical abuse is always toxic to the well-being of any relationship. Hitting, slapping, tripping, pinching, etc., are always destructive, causing both pain and distrust. There is no justification for any kind of physical abuse. If you or your partner or both of you cannot avoid physically abusive behavior, either the guilty party learns and applies the basics of anger management or you need to live separately from each other until this is no longer a problem. If the abuser will not change, the relationship should not continue.

Emotional abuse is also intolerable to the well-being of a close relationship. Threatening, raging, sexual put-downs, and other emotionally abusive behaviors have no place in a recovering relationship. They destroy any possibility of developing a sense of safety and trust in the relationship. Again, if one or both partners cannot stop themselves from engaging in this kind of behavior, then learning and using the tools of anger management is imperative. It is also important to pay attention to HALT and take steps to address these issues before they escalate into emotionally abusive behavior.

Abandonment is another very serious relationship defect. Running away, disappearing for an extended period of time without informing your partner of your whereabouts, storming out in anger with no word about when you will return, and other forms of physical abandonment seriously undermine your partner's sense of security and well-being in the relationship. Sexual infidelity is another form of abandonment, but it is such a huge issue that I want to address it in another post.

Threatening to leave a relationship is yet another type of abandonment. If it is used to control, manipulate, or retaliate against a partner, threatening to leave also seriously undermines a partner's sense of feeling securely attached in the relationship. When partners have insecure attachment disorders, which is true for the majority of us in recovery, such threats immediately activate either withdrawal behaviors if we are avoidantly attached or anxious demands for reassurance if we have a preoccupied attachment style (see my post of 5/9/07).

On the other hand, a straightforward statement of a desire to leave the relationship if things don't change is an appropriate behavior when we know we no longer wish to remain in the relationship unless there are major changes. We are putting our partner on notice that the statusquo is no longer acceptable and letting him or her know the depth of our dissatisfaction. But this kind of announcement should occur well before we have already made the decision to leave the relationship. It is unfair and unkind to put our partner on notice when it is already too late for him or her to do anything about it.

Step Five, Part Three---Benefits

2007-09-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

There are so many positive benefits for your relationship in doing a Fifth Step. The following quotes are a sample of what some of the recovery literature promises------

For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

This vital step was also the means by which we began to get the feeling we could be forgiven, no matter what we had thought or done. Often...we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Another great dividend...is humility----a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

More realism and therefore more honesty about ourselves are great gains we make under the influence of Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Letting go of shame and grief.
Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous

Somehow by just talking aloud about my wrongs 90% of the wrongful behavior disappeared.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path

I felt the weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Step Five, Part Two---Sober Speech

2007-08-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

Sober speech is mindful speech--embodying both truth and usefulness and expressed in a way and at a time that it can be heard. This last point necessarily involves whether to speak, as well as when and how. In many instances, wise speech/sober speech requires no speech at all. When our words would be untrue or frivolous or harmful, we are better not to speak.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path

After doing my Fifth Step with my sponsor, I shared what I had written with S. Since nearly all of my inventory applied to the years before I met S, when I was still drinking and using, it was a useful thing to do for our relationship. It gave S a clear picture of the person I had been before recovery and it strengthened the intimate connection between us. Although there were parts of my inventory that she hadn't known before, none of those parts related to our relationship.

Several years later, S and I were invited to conduct a weekend workshop for recovering professionals and their partners. Some of them had less than six months recovery, while others had been clean and sober for 20 years or more. S and I decided to talk about how couples could use the 12 Steps as a way of helping their recovery as a couple.

When we came to the Fifth Step, I related my story about sharing my Fourth Step inventory with S. A distinct chill enveloped the room, and we could almost hear a collective gasp when we suggested to these couples that they might do something like that. Clearly that was a very frightening prospect, particularly for the people in the room who had less than a year of recovery.

We realized at that moment that it was one thing for me to share the fruits of my inventory with S because virtually none of it pertained to our years together, but it was a much different story for couples who had been together during all the years of active alcoholism and addiction. For those couples, there were bound to be things they had done that were detrimental to the relationship which they had kept secret from their partners. Confiding the results of a searching and fearless individual moral inventory could easily blow the relationship out of the water.

And yet, as indicated in my previous post, keeping secrets seriously interferes with trust and intimacy in the relationship. As long as we refrain from telling our partner all the harmful, unskilled things we did before recovery, we are left with that fear of discovery and the weight of self-hatred Kevin Griffin mentioned. We are unlikely to allow ourselves to be fully open and vulnerable in the relationship. Our partners will be unable to trust us completely.

So what to do? Laura S in the quote at the beginning of this post provides some guidelines for Fifth Step work with a partner. First, painful information should be shared in a way that it can be heard. This means taking full responsibility for our behavior without justifying it or blaming it on someone or something else. It also means telling it in a clear and succinct manner---there is no need for elaborate stories or explanations.

Second, timing is all. Until both partners have established a solid foundation of recovery, talking about behavior harmful to the partner and/or the relationship is usually going to make things worse. Good timing also applies to finding a time when there are no serious distractions and there is as much time available as necessary.

Finally, there is the issue of harm. Certainly revealing something completely unsuspected by your partner is likely to be harmful both to your partner and to the relationship. But this is a tricky one because we alcoholics and addicts have repeatedly found that others have known or suspected things we have done which we believed were entirely secret. We need to examine whether our unwillingness to be forthright because of the "harm" it might cause our partner is really just an excuse to avoid our partner's anger and unhappiness with our behavior.

Nonetheless, we must pay attention to traumatizing or re-traumatizing our partner by our revelations. Hearing about infidelity is almost always traumatic for a partner. This is true even when a partner knows the infidelity has happened. It is important to keep in mind that hearing intimate details about the where, when, and what of sexual acting out are particularly upsetting; so unless a partner is adamant that she or he needs to know such information in order to "deal with it", there is no need to go into such detail during a Fifth Step with a partner.

Based on my personal and professional experience, relationships are more frequently harmed by secrecy than by revelations. Probably the most useful thing to do in deciding whether admitting something will truly be harmful to a partner and/or the relationship is to consult with someone in the program who seems to have a healthy, satisfying relationship in recovery.

Last of all, I suggested in an earlier post that it is helpful for couples to do an inventory of their relationship as well as individual inventories. It's hard to imagine there could be anything in such an inventory that is unknown and potentially harmful to one of the partners. So sober speech in this kind of inventory means avoiding the use of words that are untrue or frivolous.

Step Five,. Part One--Secrets

2007-08-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not to be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us.
Yet if AA's experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions

I felt a huge weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Ron and Cynthia were in for their last session with me a few days ago. They were so happy and delighted with their marriage and each other. They looked forward to a marriage based on trust and openness. Although they have been married nearly 30 years, they seemed more like newlyweds.

The state of their marriage wasn't nearly so positive six months ago. Ron, a recovering alcoholic and sex addict with several years of recovery, had held back the fact that he had been with another woman on the eve of their 25th anniversary. Although he had told Cynthia about this woman and other women as well when he was sharing his Fifth Step with her, he hadn't told Cynthia about this occasion because he felt so guilty about it and because he thought it would be "too hurtful" to Cynthia to learn where he had been the day before they left for a "honeymoon" trip to Hawaii to celebrate their anniversary.

Cynthia had suspected that Ron was holding something back. She pressed him about where he had been that night. Ron had insisted he was working late to get everything finished up before they left the next day. But Cynthia's gut told her that Ron wasn't being truthful, so she kept asking him to tell her where he had really been that night. Ron finally capitulated and told Cynthia the truth.

His holding back nearly destroyed the marriage. Cynthia, who had struggled to regain her emotional center and her trust in Ron after learning about his multiple affairs during his years of drinking, was devastated. She had known about Ron's sexual involvement with this woman, so it wasn't that information that was so upsetting to her. Instead it was the fact that Ron had continued to lie to her even after he supposedly had"come clean" when he shared his Fifth Step with her. She was in despair that she would ever be able to trust Ron to be completely open and honest with her.

To his credit, Ron did not try to defend himself and took full responsibility for holding back. He was able to acknowledge how much more hurtful to Cynthia it had been for him to lie about this incident rather than todisclose it to her. He accepted the fact that he was going to have to work hard to win back Cynthia's trust, that he was going to have to be rigorously honest in all his communication with her even if she might be angry or hurt by something he told her.

We spent many sessions during the past six months "processing" this incident. Gradually Cynthia came to believe that this really was Ron's last holdout, that he understood and empathized with how devastating it had been to her, and that he was committed to practicing the principle of rigorous honesty in their marriage. And
Ron saw his huge weight of self-hatred and fear of discovery lift and be replaced with a much deeper, more satisfying experience of intimate connection with Cynthia. They left their last session knowing that although there would be difficulties from time to time in their marriage, they could deal with those difficulties because there would be no secrets getting in the way of their resolution.

Step Four, Part Three---Ego Deflation and Seeking Help

2007-08-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

Over the years I have heard many people in 12-Step meetings talk about being stuck when they get to the Fourth Step. A majority of these folks are people who haven't found a sponsor or haven't found a sponsor with whom they feel comfortable and OK about being vulnerable. And being vulnerable is what the Fourth Step is all about.
As Kevin Griffin puts it in One Breath at a Time--
Delving into the past--the sordid past--and exploring all the ways that we have caused others and ourselves pain is devastating to the ego. Most of us find it possible to do this Step only with the help of a sponsor or other spiritual advisor and only after firmly committing ourselves to our spiritual growth (Step Three).

This is just as true for couples in recovery as it is for individuals. Trying to do an inventory of your behavior in your relationship and of the relationship itself brings up all kinds of difficult, painful feelings. It is asking too much of yourself and your partner to do this without help from a knowledgeable, sympathetic third party. This is especially true if, as is frequently the case, you haven't made the decision to work the Steps on your relationship until it is in full-blown crisis (usually when you or your partner has announced a desire to end it.)

There are two good sources of help, one in the Program and one outside it. The source of help in the Program can be found by listening to the people in meetings who have at least 4 or 5 years of recovery and seem to be fairly happy in their close relationships. Although they acknowledge problems from time to time, since no relationship is ever perfect, they usually refer to their partner in a positive manner and refer to their relationship as a significant part of their recovery. These are the people who can advise and support you when you undertake a Fourth Step about your relationship.

Just as it isn't helpful to choose someone for a sponsor who has little time in recovery or has a history of repeated relapses, so it is not helpful to choose someone who is not in a committed relationship or who frequently complains about how impossible their partner is. Someone who has just separated or divorced is not likely to be a source of positive suggestions about how to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of your relationship and to take responsibility for your part in the relationship's problems. And someone who makes negative comments about members of other 12-Step programs (e.g.,, "she's an Ala-non, you know", said with a voice of contempt) or about "all" members of one gender (e.g., "men are so dumb") is not going to be someone who is going to guide you through the process of doing an inventory of your relationship in an evenhanded manner.

The other source of help in doing a relationship inventory is a professionally-trained marriage and family therapist/counselor. Most good marriage and family therapists see relationships from a systems point of view, which means they look at the big picture and do not assign blame primarily to one partner or the other for whatever problems the relationship has. Unfortunately, most marriage and family therapists do not know a great deal about addiction and recovery unless they have had personal experience with it. So it is helpful and legitimate to inquire of any professional whose help you seek how much they know about addiction and recovery and what is the level of experience they have had in working with people in recovery.

Finally, finding appropriate help with the Fourth Step sometimes means giving up your own efforts when you seem to keep hitting a dead end and trusting that your Higher Power will reveal the appropriate person when you are ready. Or as is often said in Zen Buddhist circles, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."

Step Four, Part Two---Taking Responsibility

2007-08-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

We also clutch at another wonderful excuse for avoiding an inventory. Our present anxieties and troubles, we cry, are caused by the behavior of other people--people who really need a moral inventory. We firmly believe that if only they'd treat us better, we'd be all right. Therefore we think our indignation is justified and reasonable--that our resentments are the "right kind." We aren't the guilty ones. They are!
12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 45-46

I talked to an old client last evening whom I hadn't seen in more than a year since she and her husband ended their marital counseling with me. Jane and John had begun seeing me because John was so dissatisfied with Jane. He wanted to live in the city, but couldn't afford it because their income didn't qualify them for the rapidly increasing price of housing in the trendy areas of town---he was unhappy that Jane, who was struggling with significant health problems, didn't make enough money. He complained that Jane no longer kept their home as clean and tidy as she had before her health problems developed. As far as he was concerned, the marriage would be just fine if Jane would deal with "her issues."

John acknowledged that he "sometimes" drank too much and behaved badly when he did, but blamed these incidents on his unhappiness with Jane. He also admitted that he was unhappy with his job and seemed to have advanced as far up the corporate ladder as he was going to, but was not willing to find another job and give up his stock options even though they had been "under water" for a long time.

Despite John's unwillingness to take responsibility for his part of the marital problems, the marriage improved enough as Jane's health and energy returned for them to decide they no longer needed to continue marital counseling. In the phone call yesterday, Jane told me she had fully regained her health, her business had prospered, and she and John had purchased a lovely new townhouse in the trendiest area of the city. But she was calling to tell me that she and John had separated because John was saying he "needed some space."

Jane tried to persuade John to return to marital counseling with me, but he refused saying he felt I had "taken Jane's side" during our work together. If he consented to do any marital counseling, it would have to be with someone who didn't want to talk about his drinking and the effect it had on him and the marriage. As far as he is concerned, it is still Jane's "issues" that are the cause of his unhappiness and the reason for the separation.

Over and over again, I find that the couples who come to see me and who make real progress are the ones in which both partners take responsibility for difficulties in the relationship. Conversely, when one or both partners keep focusing on what their partner is doing and how their partner needs to deal with his/her "issues," there is never any genuine, lasting improvement in the relationship. Either there is a temporary improvement because the circumstances in one partner's life change, as was the case with John and Jane, or the couple decides that counseling isn't working and it's time to quit.

One of the major reasons that I so strongly support both partners being involved in 12-Step programs in recovery is the program's insistence that we take our own inventory and accept responsibility for our own unskillful actions and attitudes while refraining from taking our partner's inventory. Just as willingness to take responsibility for our own behavior is the key to our sobriety, so also is it the key to a happy relationship. When both partners can move away from the stance that "I am not the guilty one; he/she is!", then they really can undo the wreckage of the past and move on to a much more satisfying relationship.

Fourth Step, Part One---Inventories

2007-08-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

Steps Four thru Ten are commonly called the "action steps" because they ask us to be active in making an effort to deal with the wreckage created by our addictions. Although they focus on individual behavior and actions, I believe they lend themselves quite well to dealing with the damage to our closest relationships caused by addictive drinking, drugging, or other compulsive behaviors. They provide us with several good tools for healing the hurt that exists in every relationship affected by addiction.

Step Four is about taking an individual inventory, but there is no reason that a couple in recovery cannot make two kinds of inventories---one about how their individual behaviors have impacted the relationship and another one about the relationship itself. The Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous provides some excellent suggestions for both kinds of inventories.

In looking at their individual contributions to problems in the relationship, the Blue Book says, we both bring family-of-origin messages, abuse experiences, expectations, abilities, and individual coping mechanisms (including addictions) into the coupleship. We must take responsibility for that. The book goes on to suggest that couples might want to consider the following issues when making their individual relationship inventories:
Unfinished business with partner and the resentments that has created
Ways of looking for things to go wrong
Failure to take responsibility for mistakes or issues
Failure to share uncomfortable feelings
Ways of placating partner, not sharing true perceptions
Failure to communicate personal wants or needs
Use of shaming and blaming
Unwillingness to make clear choices and decisions
In addition, I suggest using the chapter on Step Four in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to consider how "instincts run wild" have also contributed to the multitude of problems in the relationship.

The RCA Blue Book also suggests that it is helpful for partners to take an inventory of their relationship itself. They suggest answering the following questions:
1. In what ways have we let fears or resentments interfere with our coupleship?
2. In what ways have we fought that never accomplish anything?
3. In what ways have we neglected our relationship?
4. In what ways have we avoided being close?
5. In what ways have we pretended problems didn't exist?
6. In what ways have we isolated ourselves?
7. In what ways have we tolerated abuse of ourselves and our families?
8. What have been our losses?
9. What are our strengths as a couple?
10. What have we liked about our relationship?
11. What good things have we had?
12. In what ways have we grieved as a couple?
13. In what ways have we treasured each other and the coupleship?

Taking an inventory of the relationship itself helps us see that it is an entity separate from our individual identities. It helps us remember to think about whether our individual choices and decisions are supportive or disruptive of our closest relationships. And looking at the strengths as well as the weaknesses of our relationships helps us get through the many hard times of early recovery when we can easily convince ourselves that our relationship is doomed to failure and dissolution.

There is another type of inventory that several recovering alcoholic/addicts who are also active Buddhists have suggested. This is an inventory based of the Buddha's description of the 5 hindrances to freedom from suffering: desire, aversion, sloth and torpor, restlessness and worry, and doubt. The first two hindrances, desire and aversion, are especially pertinent to a relationship inventory. Desire is oriented toward wanting something, especially something else; and leads to dissatisfaction not only when we fail to get it, but also when we do get it because the satisfaction is so short-lived. And aversion, the quality of pushing away or resisting, is a hindrance that shows up over and over in addicted relationships, often in the forms of anger and resentment or contempt and blame. Thinking about how these 5 hindrances operate in your close relationships is a useful way of realizing what must be done to heal the pain.

Finally, just as 12-Step programs emphasize the importance of making a written inventory, so, too, it is important to write down these relationship inventories. Not only is this essential when it comes time to move on to Step Five, but it can also serve as a reference point for seeing how the relationship changes over the months and years of recovery. Although they require a lot of time and effort, they create a solid foundation for assessing strengths and weaknesses in the relationship and pointing the way to what needs to be done.

Step Three, Part Three--Our will and our lives/willingness

2007-08-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a year since I saw Bill and Jeanne. They came to me for couples counseling about 30 days after Bill had completed a 30-day residential treatment program. Bill was the one who initiated the contact because he urgently wanted to save his marriage. During our initial phone call, he indicated that Jeanne was fairly reluctant to come in, but was willing to give it a try.

From the outset it was clear that Jeanne had burned out on the marriage and felt quite distant from Bill. Bill, who was a powerful man with a good deal of career success at a fairly young age, kept trying, in the words of the 12x12, to "bombard the problems" of his marriage, insisting that Jeanne open up, make herself emotionally vulnerable, and work on their marital problems. Jeanne, who visibly flinched whenever Bill came on strong, kept talking about her doubts and her need for space in order to figure out whether she even wanted to be in the marriage.

After a couple of sessions, Jeanne said she was willing to keep coming back for more couples sessions, but she wasn't willing to make any longterm commitment to the marriage. Her unwillingness to make that kind of commitment spurred Bill on to try even harder to make the marriage work singlehandedly. He wasn't ready to bring his willpower "into agreement with God's intention for (him and Jeanne.)"

After about 4 months of weekly counseling appointments, Jeanne said she just didn't have any more willingness to continue. She couldn't give Bill the reassurances about their future that he seemed so desperately to need and she couldn't stand the fights they had almost every week about the issue. Even though she had wanted to wait a year before making a decision to stay or go and even though she was fearful of how their two young daughters would be affected by her decision to seek a divorce, she felt she had been pushed too hard to make a longterm commitment to the marriage before she felt ready to do so. Instead, she had come to the conclusion that it was necessary for her to end the marriage.

I generally try to discourage couples from seeking counseling to work on "their issues" during the first 6-9 months of recovery. Engaging in individual recovery by going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps takes a great deal of time and energy. Trying to deal with the emotional turmoil created by addressing the multitude of relationship problems during these early weeks and months of sobriety and recovery is usually counterproductive. Either it pushes one or the other partner to make an early decision to end the relationship or it pushes the alcoholic/addict into relapse--sometimes both events occur.

"Turning our will and our lives over to the care of God" means turning over your relationship to your Higher Power's care during the early days of recovery. Being willing to entrust your relationship to the care of your Higher Power frees you up to focus your energy on the primary task at hand--establishing a strong foundation of recovery. When that foundation has been securely established, then it will be time to ask for the willingness to tackle the often painful task of healing a relationship severely damaged by addiction.

Step Three, Part Two---Turning It Over

2007-08-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

We made a decision to turn our wills and our life together over to the care of God as we understood God. Step Three, Recovering Couples Anonymous

For recovering alcoholics and addicts, Step Three completes the process of surrendering a life controlled by an addicted ego to a life guided by a power greater than the obsessed mind of addiction. The alcoholic-addict recognizes that his or her efforts to be self-sufficient have been disastrous. As Bill Wilson says in the chapter on Step Three in 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, The philosophy of self-sufficiency is not paying off. Plainly enough, it is a bone-crushing juggernaut whose final achievement is ruin.

It's not only the individual alcoholic/addict who tries to be totally independent. Families, too, live increasingly in isolation as they struggle to keep the disease of addiction hidden from others. The family tends to move to one of two extremes---either family members draw a tight shield around themselves so that no is allowed to develop a close relationship with anyone outside the family, or the family has virtually no boundary with everyone going his or her separate way.

Couples tend to become increasingly separated from each other as well. By the time the alcoholic or addict admits being addicted and makes a commitment to sobriety and recovery, most couples are pretty distant from each other emotionally. As the Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous says, Trust is a major issue for many of us. That is putting it mildly. For most of the couples I have seen who are in the first few months of recovery and have moved beyond the "pink cloud" stage, the lack of trust in each other is as deep as the Grand Canyon.There is simply no way they could allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with each other or to depend on genuine compassion and understanding from each other.

But when a couple in recovery makes the decision to turn their relationship over to the care of a power greater than themselves, they start to find they can increasingly let go of their struggles over power and control. By following a guiding principle of one of my sponsors, "We are responsible for the effort; we are not responsible for the result," partners find it much easier to let go of trying to manage and control each other. As a result, couples begin to find they are fighting less and enjoying each other more. They also find, when using prayer and meditation to deal with their difficulties, that solutions often jump into our minds (RCA Blue Book.)

Just as Step Three is a vital prerequisite for individuals to go on to Steps 4-10, the action steps, so also is Step Three an essential prerequisite for couples to go on to do the necessary work for solving the many problems created by years of addiction. By turning over their relationship to a spiritual Higher Power, however they might define that power, couples create the basis for developing the kind of trust in each other that is needed for such work. As it says in the "promises" of the Big Book, We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Step Three, Part One---Made a Decision/Commitment

2007-08-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

When we "make a decision" we are committing ourselves to our spiritual life, committing to placing that at the center of our lives, as the guiding principle.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time

Just as sobriety is so much easier to attain and sustain when our spiritual life is the guiding principle of our recovery (there are, in fact, people who get sober and stay sober without a spiritual program; but the majority of them remain pretty uptight people), so developing a happy and healthy relationship in recovery is much more easily done when a couple places their spiritual life at the center of their relationship. This was certainly true for S and I. During our first few years together, we spent many hours talking to each other about our spiritual experiences, reading to each other from the spiritual books that had shaped us, and putting our spiritual beliefs into action together. About 15 years ago, we made a decision to pray together each night just before going to sleep. This past year we made a commitment to meditate together each morning before breakfast. Our relationship would be much less satisfying for both of us if it did not rest on a strong spiritual foundation.

Despite my own experience with the power of putting our spiritual life at the center of our relationship, I have been reluctant to strongly encourage my clients to do this. I'm not sure why that is true. Maybe it has something to do with my strong distaste for any kind of spiritual proselytizing, which in turn has something to do with the damage done to my spiritual self by my childhood church experiences. I do know that for many people, particularly alcoholics and addicts, their nascent spiritual life can be harmed if it is perceived as being treated roughly. There is good reason for the phrase as we understood Him to appear both times God is mentioned in the 12 Steps. Maybe someone out there has an idea or two about how I might encourage couples to put their spiritual life at the center of their relationship without coming off as someone who is "pushing religion" or being harmful in some other way.

In his chapter on Step 3, Kevin Griffin goes on to say the following: In Buddhism, the "decision" to commit ourselves to our spiritual growth is called Right Intention. This means "making a decision" to try to live a life based on the principles of compassion, awareness, and openness. These are excellent principles for any couple in recovery to live by. Compassion for your partner when he or she is in a negative frame of mind, awareness of your partner when he or she is struggling with some problem, and openness to being influenced by your partner are essential elements for a mutually satisfying relationship. The more we can live by these principles in our closest relationships, the more "sober", balanced, and delightful they will be.

Step Two, Part Three---Restored to Sanity

2007-08-13T14:46:00.000-07:00

B, a recovering cocaine and sex addict, came in last week to talk about empathy. He said that his wife, C, repeatedly complains about his lack of empathy for the pain she felt because of his many infidelities during the years of his sexual acting out. B, who has several years of recovery, did an 8th and 9th Step amends process during his first year of recovery. During the session he acknowledged the truth of C's complaint about his lack of empathy; but then in almost the same breath made the plaintive cry,"What does she want from me! I already made my amends. Why can't we move on and let it go?"

I have heard in counseling sessions and in 12-Step meetings almost those exact same words from many people over the years. The alcoholic/addict so much wants the 9th Step amends process to put an end to their partner's unhappiness. He or she seems to be unable to understand why their partner continues "to live in the past" and seems unwilling "to get over it." The difference between the addict/alcoholic's wish to let go of the past as quickly as possible and a partner's need for time to work through that past is at the heart of many of the difficulties couples experience in recovery.

As B and I talked, I pointed out that he has stayed married to C for more than 20 years despite all the "opportunities" he had to leave her for one of the women with whom he had an affair.I said that his relationship with C must have been important to him during all those years of using and acting out. He replied, "Of course it was (and is)--I love C. I never loved those other women." I suggested that C is struggling to understand how and why he could do what he did if he loved her and she was important to him.

That's when we began talking about the insanity of addiction and how we do such harmful, painful things, both to ourselves and to the people we love. A relationship involving an addicted partner is repeatedly touched by insanity---broken promises, lying, denial, infidelities, financial difficulties, physical and/or verbal abuse, abandonment, suicide attempts. The list of insane behavior that occurs during active addiction is nearly endless.

Step Two says there is a power greater than either partner which can restore the relationship to sanity. Step Two asks each partner to come to believe that this power will help heal the relationship if they are both willing to let go of trying to control the other. Developing faith in such a power is vital for a couple as they struggle through all the difficulties that arise during the early months and years of recovery. Having that faith sustains couples who have been in recovery a long time when new difficulties occur as they inevitably will.

B then went on to talk about how much guilt he feels whenever C brings up his past behavior and how bad he feels about himself. He either reacts in an angry, defensive manner or begs for forgiveness. What he most wants at that point is for C to stop talking so he won't have to feel such unpleasant feelings. He does not find himself responding in an empathic way, acknowledging the reality of C's pain and the truth of his responsibility for causing the pain.

Near the end of our session, B recognized that he never initiated conversations with C about what had happened and how painful and destructive it had been for their relationship. He decided that he would give that a try and see how C responded. I supported his decision, and urged him to keep at it even if C, as is likely, does not have an enthusiastic, positive response at first. It will take some time for her to trust that he really does understand how painful his addiction has been for her and that he truly "gets it."

Step Two, Part Two---A Power Greater Than Ourselves

2007-08-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

From the draft version on Step Two in the Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous:
Many of us made our partners our Higher Power. They had the power to regulate our feelings.

That is so true for couples in recovery; in fact, it is true for all couples whose relationship is not going well. John Gottman, the leading authority on couple interactions based on more than 20 years of close observation, has identified four behaviors that are virtually guaranteed to evoke a strong negative emotional reaction from a partner. Naming them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Gottman discovered that criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stone-walling are universal warning signs of a relationship in trouble.

We are critical of our partners when we label them ("you are such a baby!"), use the phrases "always" or "never" ("you're always late"), and/or attack our partner's character or personality in a negative, blaming way ("you're just a nagging wife like your mom was!"). When we criticize our partner, we are saying something negative about the kind of person he or she is. Almost everyone on the receiving end of criticism feels bad and usually reacts with anger or defensive self-justification.

Although defensiveness is our usual response in the face of criticism, it doesn't help because it almost always escalates the conflict. Whether defensiveness takes the form of denying responsibility, making excuses, countering with a criticism of our own, whining, or the many other ways it can be expressed, it indicates that we see ourselves as a victim. And when we see ourselves as a victim, we have made our partner into a punitive Higher Power. That usually goads our partner into becoming even more critical or upping the ante by becoming contemptuous.

Gottman describes contempt as the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. When we are contemptuous of a partner we are sneering at him or her, both verbally and physically. We are filled with negative feelings and thoughts about our partner and have lost sight of any of the positive qualities that we once admired in our partner. We view our partner with disgust and see him or her as stupid, a fool, an asshole. In doing so, we have given our partner the power to fill us with hatred. When we are contemptuous, we have lost our way on our spiritual path. And our relationship is headed for the trashcan.

The most common response to contempt is stone-walling. The person on the receiving end of a contemptuous tirade simply stops listening and metaphorically becomes a stone-wall, impervious to whatever is said. The nonverbal, hostile, icy distance (as well as the angry storming out and slamming the door) speaks volumes to a partner---you don't matter to me and I'm not listening to anything you have to say. Stone-walling means we have given our partner the power to completely shut us down, leaving us mute until we either erupt in abusive rage or race out of the room. Relationships filled with contempt and stone-walling are usually not long for this world unless neither partner is willing to take the responsibility for ending it, in which case they both have effectively made the decision to live in an unhappy, loveless relationship for the rest of their lives.

The Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous goes on to say in regards to Step Two:
When we were in good spiritual places with our Higher Power, our partners' actions didn't bother us nearly as much.

Being in a good spiritual place leads to being less reactive to a partner's behavior, and being less reactive creates the opportunity for a more positive cycle of interaction to develop and grow. When both partners are involved in 12-Step programs, they learn about "Letting go and letting God." They understand that "practicing these principles in all our affairs" applies to their relationship with each other. As a result, over time they are able to let go of the critical, contemptuous, and defensive behaviors that characterized their relationship when addiction was still active. And as the criticism, defensiveness, and contempt subside, stone-walling disappears as well because the powerful physiological "fight or flight" response is no longer operating. When that happens the relationship is truly on the road to recovery.

Step Two, Part One---"Came to believe"/Faith

2007-08-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

In his wonderful book about a Buddhist approach to AA, Kevin Griffin says,
Alcoholism is a disease of faith. Alcoholics often develop a cynical attitude
toward life, not seeing anything to believe in. When you persistently feel
the need to change your consciousness through drugs or booze, you are
expressing a lack of trust in life itself.

That was certainly true of me when I was drinking and getting stoned. I didn't trust myself nor did I trust anyone else. Not a good attitude to have if you want to be in a loving relationship. And I was not. In fact, during my last couple of years of using, I had decided I would be single the rest of my life because relationships were "impossible."

As I have indicated in earlier posts, meeting S changed a lot of things in my life. Talking to her moved me out of denial and into a recognition of my addiction. It also convinced me that maybe a close relationship in my life might be possible after all. And more than 20 years later, I have definitely come to believe in that possibility.

One of the hardest things for me to come to believe about being in a close relationship was the possibility of win-win instead of the old zero-sum attitude of winner and loser. A long time ago a couple, whose name I can't recall, wrote a book about relationships entitled Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You? Before I met S, there was no question in my mind that the answer was "yes."

But during the first decade of our relationship I came to believe that it is possible for both of us to "win" even when we want quite different things. I learned this through an experience that required a lot of faith in that possibility because it took 5 years for us to find a solution to the problem created by our different wants about a particular issue.

I spent the first 3 years of my life living along the Pacific Ocean. As a result, I had always been drawn to spend time "at the beach" (as we say in this part of the world), especially during the winter when the huge storms made it a very dramatic place to be. So it wasn't long after S and I began living together that I began talking about finding a home at the beach. S, who loves going to the beach for a weekend anytime, and a week in September when the weather is magnificent, had no desire to live there full-time.

So we talked about the issue. And talked and talked. We spent many weekends at a friend's place at the beach, using our time there to look around and see if there was a suitable house we could afford as a second home (there wasn't.) The more time we spent at our friend's home, the more urgent was my desire to move to the beach. And S was just as clear that she didn't want to leave family and friends to move to a place where she would feel isolated.

Since so many other things had worked out well in our relationship, we had faith that we would find a solution to this dilemma if we remained patient and didn't force a decision that would leave one of us feeling we had won and the other feeling they had lost. Finally, after five years of dealing with these conflicting desires, a solution appeared when my father died and left us a larger inheritance that we had anticipated. S suggested that I cut back my practice to half-time and use part of the money to finance spending 3 days a week at the beach for four months during the upcoming winter.

I found a lovely small home just a few yards from the beach whose owner was happy to have someone rent 3 days during the week in the winter when renters were scarce. The 4 months were even better than I had anticipated, but when they ended I realized that my desire to live at the beach was finished. There had been some kind of healing going on below the level of my conscious awareness, and I no longer "needed" to live at the beach.

This experience taught me the importance of having faith in being able to find solutions for problems in relationships that both preserve the health of the relationship and the satisfaction of both partners. Given all the problems there are in relationships in recovery, it is vital for couples in such relationships to come to believe there is an inherent and potent power in their relationship which will restore it and them to sanity. Such faith will sustain partners in early recovery when their focus is on their individual recovery programs, as it should be, and it will sustain partners in later recovery when they are ready to begin tackling the many difficult problems created by their behavior during the years of active addiction.

Step One, Part Four---Powerless, Not Helpless

2007-08-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

The First Step in Recovering Couples Anonymous says, We admitted we were powerless over our relationship--that our lives together had become unmanageable. I'm not comfortable with that wording. While I certainly believe we are powerless to control and manage our partners and we are powerless to be in charge of our close relationships unilaterally, I don't believe that together we are powerless over our relationship. All of my more than 20 years of working with couples as well as my own experience of being married more than 20 years have convinced me that couples who work together have a great deal of power to shape their relationship.

Of course, none of the 12-Step programs equate being powerless with being helpless. If that were true, then the program would not contain the action steps 4-10. There is obviously a good deal of action we must take in recovery in order to maintain our sobriety and grow along both emotional and spiritual lines. The same is true about our relationships---if we wish to improve our unhappy relationships (and virtually all relationships impacted by alcoholism and drug addiction are unhappy), we are going to have to undertake considerable action together.

There are aspects of a relationship where we are powerless. We are powerless, for example, about being able to guarantee the outcome of our efforts. We are also powerless to change the pervasive reality of impermanence, the fact that everything, including our relationship, is subject to change and loss. And, finally, we are powerless to get people to be exactly the way we wish them to be.

Yes, it takes a lot of effort, often a great deal of effort, to transform relationships in recovery into happy, healthy ones. Yes, it often seems impossible to make that change at first--but so, too, does individual sobriety and recovery. And yes, it usually takes at least several years before we begin to see the changes we had hoped to see. But we are not helpless about being able to grow and change using the tools provided by 12-Step programs and the people in them, about turning for help to people knowledgeable about relationships, and about seeking wise spiritual guidance in our efforts.

Now some relationships are beyond repair by the time a couple gets into recovery. There has simply been too much damage to the bond between them for these couples to restore their relationship to sanity. Such relationships will not become happy ones because one or both partners just don't have the willingness and energy necessary to make the required changes. Usually, relationships in this condition will come to an end during the first year or two of recovery, although I certainly have known such relationships to go on for years and years, making both partners miserable---I don't recommend this route.

But remembering that falling off the pink cloud is a normal part of the recovery process, we mustn't immediately give up hope on our relationship as soon as some the old pre-sobriety behaviors and interactions start showing up. It is essential to put enough time and energy into individual recovery to establish a solid foundation before making a decision about whether a relationship can be resuscitated and renewed. If the decision is affirmative, then don't confound powerlessness over your partner with helplessness about being able to work together to build a better relationship.

Step One, Part Three---Powerlessness & Unmanageability

2007-08-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

When we finally "get it" and realize that we are alcoholic and/or addicted and that we need to be in a program of recovery, many of us initially experience the euphoria known as "being on a pink cloud." We are so happy we finally understand what has been happening to us and anticipate our lives will now begin to be a whole lot better than they were while we were drinking and using. But eventually we fall off that pink cloud as we realize that we still have to deal with life's difficulties, but this time without the alcohol or other mind-altering drugs to relieve the uncomfortable feelings that go along with living life on life's terms.

Relationships are a lot like that. Two people fall in love and experience the euphoria of finding someone who "fits," someone who sees things the same way, wants the same things, shares the same beliefs and values, and feels the same excitement about being together. There is even a hormonal basis for the pink cloud aspect of falling in love; when we form an intimate attachment with someone, our bodies release oxytocsin into the bloodstream giving us that warm, delightful feeling of connectedness with our partner. This is the honeymoon phase of close relationships.

But the honeymoon invariably ends, usually after some major change in the couple's relationship such as moving in together, getting married, or the birth of a child. Oxytocsin levels usually fall back to normal levels after about 18-24 months, which is about the time it took for our early ancestors to conceive, give birth, and wean a child. When the honeymoon ends, we begin to see our partners in a much different light and notice a lot of things we don't like. Indeed some of the traits that most attracted us to our partner now begin to annoy the hell out of us.

When this happen, partners enter the power-struggle phase of their relationship. Angry outbursts, tearful episodes, threatening demands, manipulative behaviors are all part of the repetoire partners use in their effort to get each other to be different. A common phrase used in this stage of a relationship is "You've changed; I want you to go back to the way you were." Rarely has the partner actually changed; it's just that behaviors that didn't seem all that important during the honeymoon phase have become unbearable in the power-struggle stage.

Those of us who are relationship therapists usually see couples when they have been in this stage for awhile. Often we get a call after one of the partners has declared they are ready to leave the marriage because the other partner "isn't listening" or because there are "communication problems" (i.e., he/she won't see things my way.) Or we see couples when both partners are simply exhausted by the unending battle about whose behavior is responsible for all the difficulties.

Couples in recovery often go through these two stages of the relationship all over again. At first, there is lots of excitement and positive energy because the alcoholic/addict has surrendered, gone to treatment and/or a 12-Step program, and is committed to abstinence and recovery. But this honeymoon is even more short-lived than usual because all the devastation caused by the drinking and drugging and all the unhappy feelings associated with that devastation cannot be ignored for very long. So it is fairly normal for a recovering couple to re-enter the power struggle stage of their relationship within a few months of beginning recovery.

Here is where the first step is so essential for such couples. Although anger, tears, threats, and manipulation can often get a partner to change temporarily, they almost never lead to any fundamental, lasting change. The truth is that we are powerless to make our partners truly be the way we want them to be. And the more energy we put into trying to make our partners be different than they are, the more unmanageable our own lives and the life of our relationship become.

The key to ending the power-struggle is acceptance of our partner as he or she is, not as we want him or her to be, if we choose to remain in the relationship. There may be behaviors that are simply unacceptable---physical and/or emotional abuse or repeated infidelity or criminal behavior---but if a partner is unwilling to end those behaviors, then a dissolution of the relationship is the most likely and, usually, the best solution to the problem.

In 12-Step terms, acceptance of our partner in recovery means "not taking each other's inventory," "letting go and letting God," and "working the program." It means being patient during the early months of recovery and recognizing that a lot of individual work in recovery has to happen before a couple is ready to tackle problems in the relationship effectively. It means making an effort to look for and listen to the relationship "winners" in the program, the people who have found their way to loving, happy relationships in sobriety. It means being willing to try Recovering Couples Anonymous, couples counseling, and any other tools developed to help couples find the "Road of Happy Destiny." It means being able to realize that powerlessness and unmanageability are essential guideposts for creating a healthier relationship in recovery.

Step One, Part Two---Admitted

2007-08-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

Admitted. What a powerful word. So powerful that it appears in 3 of the steps. It is crucial to our recovery that we admit our addiction, the exact nature of our wrongs, and when we are wrong.

It is also crucial to the well-being of our close relationships in recovery. I saw that again this morning; rather, I saw how the absence of admission keeps a couple stuck in an unhappy impasse. Bruce and Cathy have been coming to see me for couples counseling since the first of the year. Bruce, who has several years of sobriety, keeps talking about the lack of physical affection from Cathy. Cathy, who went to Alanon for a few months and then stopped, emphasizes her distrust of Bruce and unwillingness to have any kind of physical relationship with him. And so it goes in nearly every session despite my various interventions to disrupt the predictable stalemate.

No matter how much I pressed each of them, neither was willing to admit to me, let alone to each other, that they have just as much responsibility for the impasse as their partner does. Bruce spoke about how Cathy "keeps me in jail by not letting me hug her." Cathy talked about how much Bruce's alcoholic behavior left her unwilling to be affectionate with him. But whenever I encouraged each of them to talk about their own contribution to the impasse, neither was able to admit what part they had in the marital discord.

Then there was my client, John, last evening who spoke about one more sticky situation he has created in his life by his unwillingness to admit the truth about his life. John, who is a divorced recovering cocaine addict, has begun dating someone he is quite interested in. On the second date, the woman asked him if he had ever been married. John, not wanting to scare her off, fudged his reply in a way that left the woman thinking he has never been married. Now he is trying to find a way to tell her the truth without admitting that he deceived her on that second date. And, of course, the longer he waits to come clean, the more of a problem it will be.

Relationships work so much better when we admit openly and directly the mistakes we have made, the harm we have caused, the problems we have created by our carelessness and/or stupidity. Certainly, we will often experience discomfort when we do so, both because of the dissonance we feel between our belief about the kind of person we wish to be and the reality of what we have done and because of our partner's likely unhappy initial reaction. But once we have admitted our flaws and mistakes, we can then begin to deal with whatever problems those flaws and mistakes have created. Just as sobriety depends on the continuing evaluation of our actions and a willingness to admit it promptly when we are wrong, so the health of our intimate relationships depends on the willingness to admit our part in whatever problems have developed.

Step One, Part One

2007-07-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

After a long hiatus from writing this blog because of vacation and a home remodel that just won't seem to end, I'm back to this blog and turning my attention to using the steps as the foundation for relationships in recovery.

Step One begins with probably the most important word for couples in recovery---WE. For many alcoholics and addicts, WE is a very foreign concept. As Laura S put it so aptly in her book, 12 Steps on Buddha's Path: I had never been a we. I had always been an I. I didn't even like wes; they were WEak.

This was certainly true for me. I grew up with lots of family messages about the importance of being autonomous and self-sufficient. Some of these messages were direct: Think for yourself, don't follow the crowd. But most of them were indirect---at the age of 7 I was taking a bus by myself 5 miles into town to take swimming lessons, my parents never asked how I was doing in school or if I needed any help, etc. So by the time I started drinking and using I was fully accustomed to being only an I. I hadn't a clue about being part of a we when I married the first time at age 23---the only surprise about that marriage is that it lasted as long as it did, nearly 10 years.

Fortunately, my recovery began before my second marriage did. But my partner, S, who was the person who helped me realize I am an alcoholic/addict, had been an active member of Alanon for many years before we married. So when I began my recovery, S already had a number of years of recovery. This made it much easier to be a we in recovery.

Many of the couples I see do not have this initial advantage because only one partner chooses to be active in a 12-Step program. When this happens, when 12-Step recovery is confined to only one partner in the relationship, recovery tends to produce more distance in the relationship rather than more closeness. Over and over again, I have observed in both my practice and in meetings that many marriages end sometime between 6 months and several years after the alcoholic-addict's sobriety date because the distance has gotten so great between the partners that they are almost speaking different languages.

In the last few years, a new 12-Step program for couples has come into being. Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA) is firmly based on the importance of we. In the online draft of the RCA Bluebook, the first few pages are about the underlying philosophy of the program. The main theme and purpose of RCA is described as follows: Couples need to treat their coupleship as an entity distinct and separate from their individual recoveries.

In the introduction to the philosophy of RCA, the Bluebook goes on to state, It is important that each partner accept mutual responsibility for the problems and/or progress of the coupleship. This, I believe, is the essence of what it takes for a couple to find their way to recovering from the devastation that alcoholism and/or addiction has done to their relationship. A couple, as opposed to an individual, is in recovery when they accept the mutual responsibility that being a we entails.

One of the most powerful ways to develop this sense of mutual responsibility in recovery is to work the steps together. I know this is an alarming prospect to many couples in recovery. Several years ago, S and I presented a weekend workshop to a group of recovering professionals and their partners about using the steps as a basis for improving their relationships. When we suggested they work the steps together, there was an audible gasp from several members of the audience. Certainly there need to be guidelines for doing so, particularly around the steps involving making an inventory; but I can speak from personal experience that discussing and working the steps together has been a powerful tool for creating a healthy sense of we in our relationship.

RCA is based on couples working the steps together. It is an excellent source of information and support for doing so. I encourage any couple in recovery to check it out.

Living with Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships

2007-07-18T12:22:00.001-07:00

In the last 3 posts I have been writing about some of the things I learned in reading Mistakes Were Made and how they affect us in relationships. As Tavris and Aronson demonstrate repeatedly in their review of the research literature, when our idea about ourselves or our partner conflicts with our actual behavior, the distress we feel leads us to justify that behavior and/or our beliefs about our partner. Tavris and Aronson emphasize that all of us are geared to justify our behavior and beliefs because that's the way our minds work.

At the end of their book, the authors offer some suggestions about how we can keep this need to reduce dissonance from harming our relationships. These suggestions fit very well with the 12 Steps. Once again I am amazed at the genius of Bill W, Doctor Bob, and the other early AA pioneers in devising a program that not only helps us stay sober but also gives us the tools for overcoming difficulties in our intimate relationships such as the ones created by the effects of cognitive dissonance.

The first suggestion Tavris and Aronson make is to practice taking a step back to look at our thoughts and our actions critically and dispassionately. They suggest we pause and insert a moment of reflection in order to create a space between what we feel and how we respond to our feeling. Exactly what 12 Step programs suggest we do before taking action. When we do that in our relationships, we are much less likely to do something harmful which we will then feel a need to justify.

Tavris and Aronson also emphasize the need for humility and letting go of the need to be right. When we realize that our minds are so constructed that we are likely to reject information that questions our beliefs, decisions, or preferences, we can be more open to the possibility of being wrong. As they write, "When confidence and convictions are unleavened by humility, by an acceptance of fallibility, people can easily cross the line from healthy self-assurance to arrogance." Steps 4 thru 10 are all about noticing how our character defects shape our behavior and developing the humility not only to notice when we are wrong but also to admit it promptly.

Another way of overriding the power of cognitive dissonance to justify our behavior is to develop an appreciation for life's complexities. Although we live in a digital age governed by the either/or system of 1's and 0's, life is rarely that simple. It is almost always a matter of both/and or some of this and some of that. Reminding ourselves of that truth helps us remember that what is right for us might not always be right for our partner. And remembering that reality opens the door to more empathy, to more willingness to accept our partner's actions and beliefs as having as much validity as our own actions and beliefs do.

Finally, Tavris and Aronson describe how dissonance can lead to either a spiral of negativity or a spiral of virtue. A spiral of negativity develops when we do something that harms our partner in some way and then find ourselves caught in the need to justify what we have just done. The most common method of doing that is to convince ourselves that our partner is neither nice nor innocent and deserves to be treated that way. Obviously this kind of self-justification creates an atmosphere which leads to a downward spiral of negativity in the relationship.

But it is possible to use dissonance to create the opposite kind of spiral, a spiral of virtue. When we treat our partner with generosity and compassion, we also are subject to the need to justify our behavior. The way we are most likely to do that is to see our partner in a more positive light and to downplay any negative feelings we might have about him or her. Having come to see the benefit of being generous and compassionate, we are likely to become even more so. Thus happy couples live in a relationship characterized by a "virtuous circle."

The trick in recovery is to move close relationships out of the downward spiral of negativity to the upward spiral of happiness and satisfaction. I have come to believe that the 12 Steps are one of the best tools for making this happen. So now it is time to turn my attention in future posts directly to the Steps and how they help relationships in recovery.

Perpetrators of Pain and Victims of Pain

2007-07-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

In their book Mistakes Were Made, Tavris and Aronson described a fascinating experiment about the perception of pain. The researchers devised an ingenious device which allowed them to measure the actual amount of pressure being applied to a finger. Even when the amount of pressure was identical, persons who were on the receiving end of the pressure always perceived the amount of pain as greater than the persons who were inflicting it. As Tavris and Aronson stated, "Pain felt is always more intense than pain inflicted, even when the amount of pain is identical."

Although the experiment was about physical pain, the same principle applies to psychological pain as well. This happens all the time in close relationships. When one partner (the perpetrator) does something the other partner (the victim) perceives as hurtful, the perpetrator almost always minimizes the amount of pain caused, while the victim emphasizes how much pain they experienced. Needless to say, this disparity in the perception of pain is endemic to addicted relationships. The alcoholic/addict either fails to see the hurt he is causing or insists it wasn't that bad, while his partner is either crushed by the hurt or enraged by it.

This same dynamic continues in recovery. I saw that happening the other day when Jim and Diane were in my office. Jim, who was quite promiscuous when he was drinking and using, had come home about 2 am after going out to dinner with some clients from out of town. He had not called Diane to let her know he would be coming home quite late. Jim, who has been clean and sober for nearly two years, insisted there was no reason for Diane to be upset about his lateness and failure to call. "I didn't do anything I shouldn't have; I was just doing my job entertaining important clients."

Diane, who attends Ala-non regularly, was furious. "After all those years I waited for him to come home when he had been out drinking, Jim knows how much I worry when he comes home late like that and doesn't call to let me know he'll be late. How can he be so insensitive to my pain?" And so the first part of the session continued with Jim defending himself and Diane accusing him of not caring about her. As Tavris and Aronson state, "Perpetrators are motivated to reduce their moral culpability; victims are motivated to the maximize their moral blamelessness."

Both perpetrators and victims are faced with the dissonance between their view of themselves (perpetrator: I am a good person who doesn't want to hurt anyone. Victim: I am a good person worthy of being treated with care and respect.) To reduce that dissonance, perpetrators and victims use different strategies. The strategies used by persons doing something that inflicts pain on someone else are the strategies all of us who are alcoholics and/or addicts use over and over again. Our first step is to deny that we did anything wrong at all or that it was understandable given the circumstances. If that strategy doesn't work for some reason, we then move on to admitting our wrongdoing but minimizing it or making an excuse: "It wasn't that bad;" "I was drunk and overreacted;" or "You made me mad when you said I was wrong." Finally, when our backs are to the wall and we can neither deny nor minimize responsibility, we try to make a quick, minimal apology ("Sorry!") and then move on to something else as quickly as possible.

The last strategy is one many of us use when we get into recovery. We do our fearless moral inventory, make a list of those we have harmed, and then move on to make amends. But once we have made those amends that should be the end of it as far as we are concerned. Whatever we did is in the past; but it's time to move on, and whatever happened then shouldn't continue to have negative consequences in the present.

The partners of addicts and alcoholics see things much differently. Remember pain felt is more intense than pain inflicted. Partners continue to feel the pain of events long after they have happened. They have very long memories and do not readily trust they will no longer be the recipient of hurtful behavior. All it takes is one seemingly small incident to stir up all their distrust and hostility.

Another way that partners of alcoholics and addicts see things different is their understanding of why the alcoholic/addicts did what they did. Whereas the alcoholic/addict insists her behavior made some kind of sense at the time, her partner is unable to make any sense of it, even long after the event. "Why did she do that--what was she thinking?" are questions that every victim of hurt asks and become a central aspect of the victim identity. A major reason that Ala-non is so helpful for partners of alcoholic/addicts is the clear emphasis on using the program to move out of the victim mentality.

Sometimes those of us in recovery talk as if our behavior is so different from "normies." But the reality is that everyone uses one set of strategies when they are the person causing harm and a different set of strategies when they are the person experiencing harm. AA and related 12-Step programs address this issue from the "perpetrators" viewpoint, while Ala-non and related 12-Step programs address it from the "victims" viewpoint. It is helpful for both partners in a recovering relationship to be mindful of their own strategies and to realize their partner's strategies are different but understandable.

Marital Polarization

2007-07-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

Bill and Ann were in for another couples' session this morning. Bill is a recovering cocaine addict with plenty of sexual acting out while using; he has about 5 years of recovery. Ann is a somewhat recovering wife of an addict; she participated in the family program when Bill was in treatment, attended 12 Step programs for a few months, and has been in individual therapy for much of the past year. Despite their participation in recovery and therapy, Bill and Ann remain stuck in an endless cycle of blame and self-justification.

This morning Bill began the session by recounting several episodes during the past few weeks when he felt Ann had been hostile to him. He talked about the ways Ann continues to rebuff him despite his efforts to be a more involved husband and father. Ann responded by saying that once again Bill was blaming her and refusing to acknowledge and take responsibility for doing that. She explained she felt her angry responses to Bill were appropriate because he "always blames me."

Bill and Ann have formed what Tavris and Aronson describe as an "implicit theory" of how the other is wrecking the marriage. Tavris and Aronson describe these theories as "implicit" because most of the time people are not consciously aware they have them and/or don't realize how these beliefs filter and bias their perceptions. For instance, if we experience an interaction with our partner that confirms our implicit belief about what kind of person he or she is, we are certain that we are perceiving things accurately and that we are justified in our view of our partner. But when an interaction does not confirm our belief about who that person is, we feel the discomfort of cognitive dissonance, which we resolve by minimizing, distorting or otherwise explaining away the significance of the interaction.

Tavris and Aronson go on to say that there are 2 ways people use implicit theories to explain their own and other people's behavior. First, we can tell ourselves that the behavior happened because of something in the situation. Second, we can explain behavior as the result of something wrong with the person. When behavior is caused by the situation, there is hope of correction and compromise. But when we believe behavior is caused by who the person is, it is much more difficult to accept and forgive.

Not surprisingly, happy and unhappy couples use these two kinds of implicit theories differently to explain their partner's behavior. In happy relationships, partners tend to see each other's unskillful behavior as a result of the situation; consequently they find it relatively easy to forgive each other. At the same time, they see each other's thoughtful and loving behavior as a reflection of who their partner is and are quick to give each other credit for such behavior.

It is just the opposite with unhappy couples. Bill and Ann are ever ready to declare that when the other does something thoughtless or annoying, it's because of that person's personality flaws (Bill sees Ann as a hostile person, while Ann sees Bill as a blaming person.) But if either one of them does something loving or thoughtful, both Bill and Ann are quick to dismiss it as either a temporary fluke or because the situation demanded it (i.e., if Bill brings Ann flowers after a particularly bitter quarrel, he has done that as a way of appeasing Ann rather than because he wants to let her know he still loves her despite the quarrel.)

Not only do unhappy couples explain the other's unskillful behavior as caused by the person's fundamental personality flaws, but they also are quick to explain their own unskillful behavior as a result of the particular situation. This morning, for instance, Ann explained her hostility to Bill the past few days as coming from being premenstrual. In the past, Bill has explained his unwillingness to get involved in household tasks as the result of growing up in a traditional household where men didn't do that sort of thing.

Bill and Ann are deeply caught in an ongoing pattern of mutual blame and self-justification. Each of them focuses of what the other is doing wrong, while at the same time justifying their own attitudes, preferences, and ways of doing thing. And as each of them stubbornly clings to the belief that the other is wrong, they both become more determined not to budge from their position. In essence, each of them is saying to the other, "I won't change my behavior with you until you admit your character defects and change them." They have created a polarized marriage with no room for empathic and loving acceptance of each other's unskillful behavior.

The Power of Cognitive Dissonance

2007-07-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

Reading Mistakes Were Made (but not by me) by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson has helped me understand one of the primary reasons why it is so difficult for couples to change their relationship in recovery. That reason can be found in the theory of "cognitive dissonance," which is backed up by a significant amount of careful research. According to the theory, cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds two "cognitions" (i.e., ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions, etc.) that are contradictory and/or psychologically inconsistent. This experience occurs all the time for alcoholics and addicts who are not yet in recovery---they insist they can control their use yet are faced with repeated loss of control. It also occurs all too frequently for couples in recovery as they strive to deal with the contradiction between being in recovery and all the unhappy feelings they continue to find themselves experiencing.

The dissonance caused by such contradictions creates an unpleasant mental tension, which can range from minor irritation to deep anguish as long as it continues. People are unable to relax and feel comfortable until they have been able to eliminate the mental dissonance or at least reduce it considerably. Self-justification is the most common mental tool used to escape this discomfort. It lies at the heart of the alcoholic/addict's denial---"I got drunk because I was upset." It is also a major threat to relationships in recovery because both partners tend to justify their behavior in a way that allows them to be right while either explicitly or implicitly making their partner wrong.

Cognitive dissonance is most painful to people when some significant part of their beliefs about themselves is threatened. This usually occurs when they have done something that is inconsistent with their image of themselves. If a person has a fairly positive self-concept, believing herself reasonably smart, competent, and moral, she will use self-justification as a way to preserve her positive self-image. But self-justification also operates for people with low self-esteem, except that it moves in the direction of preserving their image of not being very smart, not being competent and/or suffering from some kind of moral failing.

As I was reading Mistakes Were Made, I thought about what an extraordinary tool 12-Step programs are for dealing with cognitive dissonance in a way that minimizes self-justification. Beginning with the first step, we are asked to admit that we are powerless and cannot manage our lives, which flies in the face of seeing ourselves as competent people. Then we are asked to make a searching moral inventory of ourselves and acknowledge our mistakes and character defects. Finally, we are asked in Step 10 to do an revolutionary thing---when we do something wrong, we are promptly to admit our wrong rather than find a way to justify it.

I have kept politics out of this blog, but I find myself wondering what the last six years might have been like if President Bush had become an active member of AA when he decided to stop drinking. Would he have been more willing to recognize and admit mistakes? Would he have avoided the litany of self-justifications for his choices and decisions? Would he have acquired the humility to consider that he might be wrong and those who differ with him might see things more clearly? I believe the likely answer to these questions is yes.

The Four Noble Truths of Relationships

2007-07-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have been away from this blog for nearly a week because I was deeply engrossed in reading a wonderful new book summarizing a lot of research about the ways in which all of us try to justify our beliefs and our behavior and the ways that our efforts at self-justification get us in trouble. But before I begin writing some posts about that topic, I want to conclude my Buddhist perspective on relationships in recovery by considering how the Four Noble Truths expounded by the Buddha apply to intimate relationships.

The first noble truth is about the reality of suffering in all close relationships. All couples, happy and unhappy couples, experience conflict and anger with each other. Every couple finds itself struggling with pain and dissatisfaction arising from differences of opinion, values, desires, and behavior. There are no perfect, problem-free partnerships; at least, I have never observed nor known about such a partnership.

The second noble truth about relationships is that suffering arises because of partners' unwillingness to accept the reality of their differences. They either want their partner to be a certain way or they are unhappy about the way their partner is. Or if they can't control their partner, they move to indifference and emotional separation, which also causes much suffering.

The third noble truth about all relationships, including relationships in recovery, is the possibility of reducing the amount of suffering. There are many satisfied couples who find that the joy and comfort of their relationship far outweighs their moments of anger and unhappiness.
This is true of relationships in recovery as well, although that might not always be apparent during the first years of recovery.

The fourth and final noble truth about relationships is the existence of a path to freedom from suffering. The Buddha described a path that employed 8 different skills to end suffering. In recovery, we have the 12 Steps, which also are designed to reduce and limit suffering. Those 12 steps work very well for couples, and I want to explore how to make them work in a series of posts about the 12 Steps and Relationships in Recovery.

But first I want to talk about the material I have just read in Mistakes were Made (But not by me) because it is so useful in thinking about how relationships can so easily go awry in recovery. The research described in that book is an excellent description of the basic problem in relationships---self-justification. After writing some posts about this issue, I will then move on to looking at how the 12 Steps are an effective solution to the problem of self-justification.

Balance, Desire, and the Longing for Love

2007-07-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

When we lose our balance we die, but at the same time we also develop ourselves, we grow. Whatever we see is changing, losing its balance. The reason everything looks beautiful is because it is out of balance, but its background is always in perfect harmony.
Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

Balance comes when we learn to accept being off balance, not when we hold ourselves aloof.
Mark Epstein, Open to Desire

Early recovery is a time when everything feels out of balance, including our closest relationships. Our relationship feels out of balance because it is out of balance. Prior to recovery our partnership was centered on our addictions, whether or not we were aware of that reality. Interactions were focused on using and the consequences of using. If we are the addict, then we have been determined not to let our partner get in the way of our using. If we are the partner of an addict, then we have been constantly trying either to keep our partner from using or trying to manage the consequences of their use.

When recovery from addiction begins, most people assume that their intimate relationships will quickly move to a more harmonious balance. When alcohol, drugs, sexual acting out, gambling or other forms of compulsive pathological behavior are no longer present to upset the partnership, couples believe they will be able to relate much more easily and resolve their conflicts much more quickly. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Not only do close relationships fail to improve quickly in early recovery, they usually tend to deteriorate significantly. For better or worse, addiction has been the glue holding the relationship together. Without that glue, partners find they have no idea how to deal effectively with the powerful emotions and unresolved issues that soon emerge in sobriety. This is one of the reasons why maintaining sobriety is so difficult and why relapse is so likely if both partners have not established a strong connection to a 12-Step program or some other resource that supports sobriety and recovery.

The truth is that the old relationship must collapse and die before a couple can begin to establish a healthy relationship based on the principles of recovery. Trying to hold on to the old relationship while staying clean and sober is doomed to failure--either sobriety will be lost or the relationship will end in an angry separation. As 12-Step programs remind us over and over again, we must let everything go, including our closest relationships, and let our Higher Power, as we understand it, be in charge of our lives.

At the same time, if we are to find our way to a healthy, more loving relationship in recovery we must open ourselves to our desire for love and connection. This means allowing ourselves to become more vulnerable, more exposed to our deep longing for love and connectedness. As John Welwood has said, "We cannot receive love if we are not open to the raw and tender experience of wanting it." In order to become open to that kind of "raw and tender experience," it is imperative that we have the support of a sponsor and others who are knowledgeable about addiction and recovery.

But we must be patient about sitting with that desire during early recovery. It takes time for the old relationship based on active addiction to die. It takes time and a lot of work to establish a solid foundation of recovery before we can create a more positive, mutually satisfying intimate relationship. It is time measured in years, not weeks or months. So it is important to realize, as Mark Epstein states in the quote above, that balance in our primary relationship will come during early recovery by accepting the reality of being seriously off balance for awhile.

Loving-Kindness

2007-07-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

S and I just spent a 3-day weekend out of town with another couple. We met W and M fifteen years ago when they became our neighbors. Although they subsequently moved more than 300 miles away for almost ten years, we have kept in touch and visited each other several times. They recently moved back to our area, so we decided to celebrate by taking a trip together to the big city for a baseball game. We had a wonderful time.

We always enjoy spending time with W and M because they practice so much loving-kindness in their relationship. Their loving-kindness with each other manifests in so many ways. Every time we got in or out of the car, W would open or close the door for M. On the long drive to and from the big city, M rubbed W's shoulders and upper back in a loving way from time to time without being asked. They often held hands as they walked around the big city. They always spoke respectfully to each other and delighted in teasing each other in a light, loving way. S and I were always comfortable in their presence and never felt embarrassed by their behavior.

It is readily apparent that W and M have fully opened their hearts to each other. They like each other very much and are the best of friends. The kind and loving way they treat each other makes it clear to everyone that wanting the best for each other is a fundamental theme in their relationship. Although neither of them have read anything about Buddhism, they are walking the Buddhist path of loving-kindness in their relationship.

W and M are not a couple in recovery. They are not struggling to overcome years of anger, hurt, and unhappiness caused by addictive behavior. They are not living in fear of relapse nor do they need to repair all the damage created by their out of control behavior. They do not have to overcome a deep distrust of each other because of so many broken promises and commitments. They are not wondering if their marriage will survive.

Like all of us, however, W and M have known serious pain and suffering during their life together. Their home was badly flooded several years ago, and their insurance covered only a small portion of the restoration costs. One of their children has a chronic, life-threatening disease. They have struggled financially at times. W's health has begun to deteriorate since he retired. But the foundation of loving-kindness that supports their marital relationship has helped them weather life's problems with courage and the knowledge that their love will see them through the hard times. Their marriage is a great model for all of us in recovery about what is possible when we bring unconditional friendliness and acceptance, the basis of loving-kindness, to our partners and ourselves.

Anger and Relationships

2007-06-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
The Big Book of AA, p. 66

For a long time after Giselle died (in the crash of United Airlines #93 on 9/11) I had been angry at God, and at a lot of other things. And then one day it occurred to me that it was anger that had killed her and everyone else who died on that day, and I started to imagine my way backwards in time to where that anger had come from, a crazy-making, evil, righteous anger. And then I started to notice , firsthand, that anger was almost always righteous and crazy-making. All you had to do was turn on the radio talk shows and you could hear that plainly enough, hear the pot being stirred and heated. All you had to do was yell at somebody in traffic, and you could see it in yourself. Anger began to seem wrong to me, almost always wrong, and I began to think it might be my problem, not God's.
A Little Love Story, p. 253

Anger is so destructive in relationships. John Gottman, a marital researcher at the University of Washington, found that one of the things that most distinguishes mutually satisfying marriages from mutually unhappy marriages is the ratio of positive to negative interactions.Surprisingly enough, unhappy marriages are not characterized by an overwhelming amount of anger, since the ratio of positive to negative in these marriages is about one to one.

But Gottman discovered over and over again when he carefully reviewed video tapes of satisfied couples frame by frame that in happy marriages the ratio was always about five positive interactions for every negative one. In other words, anger is so corrosive and destructive of relationships that a couple needs to engage in five positive interchanges for every negative one to overcome the damage done by their anger.

As the quotes from the Big Book and the novel, A Little Love Story, indicate, anger is poisonous and crazy-making. It always increases suffering both for the person who is angry and for the person who is on the receiving end of the anger. When we allow our anger to get out of control, we lose all ability to think clearly and act effectively. It definitely does not encourage our partner to listen carefully to what we are saying and try to help us figure out a solution to whatever we're upset about. As Gottman's research indicates, we will instead have to multiple positive efforts to repair the damage done by our anger.

Gottman also found that all of us get out of control with our anger when we are "emotionally flooded." At that point our pulse rate is much higher than normal, our blood pressure has increased substantially, and the hormones that precipitate our fight or flight response are coursing through our bloodstream. He emphasizes the importance of learning to recognize when we are becoming negatively aroused and taking a timeout before reaching the tipping point of becoming emotionally flooded.

One other piece of Gottman's research about anger in relationships is pertinent. He found a significant difference in the way men and women respond to conflict. On the whole, men are more likely to reach the emotional flooding point in the midst of conflict much faster than women are. He speculates that this is probably the reason that women are the ones who bring up relationship problems 90% of the time and the reason that men tend to be so unwilling to deal with them. So, it is the male in a relationship who is most likely to call for a timeout if an argument heats up, and it is important for his female partner to accept his need for some down time in order for him to self-soothe and calm himself.

On the other hand, women are more likely to reach that emotional flooding point if there is an issue they are upset about and it isn't being talked about. So when men respond to a woman's efforts to discuss a problem with some variation of "I don't want to talk about it," they are planting the seeds for more conflict and more anger. This also means that when a man says he needs a timeout to keep from flooding emotionally and responding with rage, he needs to make a commitment to his partner that he will return as soon as possible to talk about the issue after he has had a chance to get away and soothe his distress.

In order to recognize when it is time to call for a timeout, we have to learn how to become an active observer of ourselves. This brings us back to the concept of mindfulness and the usefulness of meditation in developing that capacity. As we grow in this capacity, we are able to make a choice about noticing our anger, setting it aside, or taking a timeout rather than allowing our anger to define a path we are compelled to follow. The more we can turn away from our anger, the less we will poison our relationships.

Self-Hate and Relationships

2007-06-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

When I saw that Ed was coming in this morning, I had to remind myself to sit with him from a place of compassion and equanimity. A recovering Valium addict, he suffers from so much self-doubt and self-hate that I have to remind myself not to fall into agreement with his negative views about himself and his life. Unfortunately it looks like Ed's wife is not having much success in maintaining a positive view about Ed and about their marriage. He reported that she had a "meltdown" recently in which she stormed out of the house saying, "I hate living here!"

It is very difficult to be in an intimate relationship with someone who is full of self-hate. Sometimes it feels as though all the oxygen in the room has been burned up by their self-doubt and self-contempt. This is particularly true when all efforts to be loving and supportive are met with statements about what a loser oneself is and how impossible it is to change one's negative outlook.

I label as self-hate that inner voice that calls us names ("You stupid idiot! How could you be so stupid?"), reminds us of our flaws ("you're not very outgoing, smart, careful, etc., etc."), tells us what others are thinking about us ("they think you're a failure"), instills fear in us ("something bad will happen if you don't finish this in time"), and makes a case against us ("you're never going to be successful because you are too afraid to take risks".) That voice is extraordinarily powerful and tenacious, willing to say anything to maintain its position of control.

This inner critical voice has its origins in the first years of childhood when our sense of who we are is being formed and we are utterly dependent on the care and support of others. It begins when our caretakers and other people important to our survival tell us that we are not living up to their expectations in some way. They may say it directly, "You're a bad girl for saying no." Or we may take it personally and believe we are not meeting their expectations when the people upon whom we depend for our survival seem not to notice or appreciate us. Whatever the actual experiences are, they create a feeling of shame, a feeling that who we are is not OK. The "inner critic" is born and grows stronger each time we listen to the hateful words it directs at us.

There is one thing to know about this voice of self-hate that is most important: IT IS NOT YOU! The best thing to do with that voice is to learn to recognize it, observe it, and NOT identify with it. The more we believe it or argue with it, the more energy we give to its nastiness and ugliness. When we bring our attention back to our breath and simply watch the voice without trying to resist or letting ourselves feel bad, the voice begins to lose its power because it can only gain energy by our participation in its hateful game.

On the other hand, when you hear your partner speaking with that voice about him- or herself, it is helpful to raise some objections. Challenge its unloving treatment of your partner---"It's not OK for you to be so mean to someone I love so much." Tell that voice that you know from firsthand experience that your partner is not the person that voice says he or she is. Learn ways to help your partner disidentify with what that cruel, unloving voice is saying. Most importantly, remember that the voice of self-hate, yours or your partner's, loses its power in the presence of loving-kindness.

Having to be right during an argument with a partner is a sure sign that the voice of self-hate is lurking in the background. Insisting on being right is a way of trying to deflect the inner critic's voice, of avoiding the painful feelings of shame and self-doubt. But demanding that our partner acknowledge we are right and he/she is wrong never works--it only promotes a defensive response by our partner.

Fortunately for those of us in recovery, Step 10 addresses this issue directly when it tells us "when (not if) we (are) wrong, we promptly admit it." Letting go of needing to be right and of projecting our own bad feelings onto our partner is an effective way of de-escalating conflicts. Taking responsibility for our behavior also often has the virtue of leading our partner to think about their part in the issue and admit where they have been unskillful.

It is important, however, not to let Step 10 become a tool for the voice of self-hate to beat us up. Admitting we made a mistake, that we were unskillful in some way, does not mean we are stupid, defective, or bad. It means that we are human, and is a good reminder that we work toward "spiritual progress, not perfection."

Equanimity and Compassion in Relationships

2007-06-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

We talked about Step 12 in my step-study home group this morning. Much of the meeting focused on sponsorship and how to be a good sponsor when the person we are sponsoring doesn't stay clean and sober or doesn't follow suggestions. Bonnie, who has several years of sobriety, talked about feeling some regret as a sponsor since none of the people who had asked her to sponsor them had continued working with her. Rita, who has many years of sobriety, talked about gently letting someone go recently who continued to relapse and was unwilling to work the steps--Rita said her life is simply too busy right now to find the time to work with someone who isn't very motivated to stay sober and work the program.

Both Bonnie and Rita emphasized that they tried to view the "failings" of these newcomers from a place of compassion and equanimity. They made an effort not to see themselves as right and the newcomers as wrong. They recognized that the newcomers were simply not ready for whatever reasons to accept and work with them as sponsors.

Dan, who has more than 20 years of recovery, then went on to talk about how he had used sponsorship in the first decade of his recovery as a way to "collect AA trophies." He came to realize that by doing so he was elevating himself to someone who had a "superior" recovery program. As a result he lost sight of the reality that he and the people he sponsored are equals. Now he no longer formally sponsors people, but makes an effort to be open and available to talk as an equal to anyone who seeks him out to talk about their drinking and efforts to quit.

I see all of these people as bringing compassion and equanimity to their work with others. They experience compassion for the suffering the newcomer is experiencing and they see how the newcomers are just like themselves in wanting to be happy and avoid suffering. They understand how the deepest longings and fears of the newcomer are the same longings and fears they still experience no matter how many years of recovery they have.

Compassion and equanimity are essential for the health of all intimate relationships. My own experience in my relationship with S and my work with couples has thoroughly convinced me that it is the nature of close relationships to open old wounds over and over again. And it is not just my wounds; it is my partner's wounds as well. Practicing compassion and equanimity when dealing with these wounds keeps them from festering to the point where they contaminate the entire relationship and destroy it.

I recently read a wonderful article about compassion and equanimity in a Buddhist magazine, Shambhala Sun. In it, the author writes the following:
Everyone, just like me, wishes to have happiness, and everyone, just like me, wishes to avoid suffering. Just like me, everyone wants to be loved, to be safe and healthy, to be comfortable and at ease. And just like me, no one wants to feel afraid or inadequate, no one wants to be sick, lonely, or depressed.
When we are angry and dissatisfied with our partners, remembering how this quote is true for them can help us let go of the belief that our pain and unhappiness is somehow more important than theirs.

Remembering the fundamental humanity we share with our partner allows us to let go of our judgments and self-righteous complaints about their attitude and behavior. Keeping in mind that we and our partners are equals makes it much easier to let go of resentments about what they have or have not done. Bringing a compassionate attitude toward not only their unskillful behavior, but our own unskillful behavior as well, helps restore the love that brought us together in the first place. And expanding that compassionate stance to everyone in the world, everyone, further opens up the spiritual awakening that Step 12 talks about.

Grievance and Letting Go

2007-06-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

Gary and Patti have been married for more than 25 years. Gary is a recovering pothead and sex addict, active in 12-Step programs, and "sober" almost 3 years. Patti, who attended "family week" when Gary was in an in-patient program for his addictions 3 years ago, does not participate in any 12-Step programs because "those people are crazy and I'm not."

Gary and Patti came to see me to "help our marriage." Although Gary has "worked the steps," made several inventories and followed them up with several amends to her, Patti remains angry and distant in the marriage. She cannot forgive Gary for his years of infidelity and says she still doesn't trust that he won't "cheat on me again."

Gary alternates between sadly asking Patti to be "nice to me" and angrily defending himself, "I've done everything I'm supposed to (in recovery) and she still won't let me in." He says he is struggling not to develop and hold on to a resentment about Patti's continuing distrust and unwillingness to be close to him. He stays in the marriage because he still loves Patti and because he doesn't want to be part of a failed marriage.

This morning I worked mostly with Patti about her grievance with Gary. Gary's sexual acting out and emotional unavailability when he was stoned left Patti feeling mistreated and very unloved. Not surprisingly, she found it easy to blame Gary, making him the Bad Other, while seeing herself as the injured party who has good reason to hold on to her righteous grievance against him. But despite her anger and mistrust, she also does not want to end the marriage.

We began by exploring some of Patti's bodily experience of her anger and mistrust. She said she felt it in her gut as a tightness and dull pain. As she focused on these sensations, she talked about how she didn't feel safe letting herself be open and vulnerable with Gary. During the years when he was sexually acting out, she had confronted him several times about his behavior and he had promised he would be faithful. Although Gary was quite sincere at the time he made these promises, neither he nor Patti recognized the addictive nature of his affairs. Consequently, he kept his promises for only a year or two at most before he was acting out again. The pain in her gut has been a constant reminder not to let her guard down and trust that Gary really has changed.

When we began to talk about why she remains in the marriage if she doesn't believe she will ever be able to trust in Gary's fidelity, her bodily attention shifted to sensations in her chest (her heart chakra), and she began to cry. She said the tears were about her strong belief about being a responsible person and keeping her commitments. She would see herself as an irresponsible quitter if she decided to end the marriage. And so she is stuck in her angry grievance---she can't let herself trust Gary and be emotionally open with him nor can she leave him.

At this point, I told Patti a story my brother told me many years ago. He and his two teenage children went rafting one summer day. They failed to line up properly for one of the river's major rapids, and the raft flipped, throwing the children toward the shore where they were able to grab on to a fallen tree. But my brother was caught in a serious whirlpool at the bottom of the rapids, which was trying to pull him under. He swam as hard as he could; but just as he was about to get free, the whirlpool caught him and started pulling him under once again. He repeated the same process with the same result.

My brother began trying to swim out of the whirlpool for a third time. By this time, however, he was exhausted and his body was becoming hypothermic. When he tried to swim, he discovered he could not. At that point, he said, he gave up and realized he was going to drown. But when he stopped struggling and relaxed, the river kicked him free and he was able to make it to shore where his kids had been watching in horror.

I try to remember this story whenever I get locked in a struggle, either with someone else or with conflicting internal feelings and/or beliefs. In the recovery community, this process is called "Letting go and letting God." In the Buddhist community, this is described as being open and mindful to your experience, letting it happen, so that, in John Welwood's words, it will release its knots and unfold, leading to a deeper, more grounded experience of yourself.

As long as Patti stays focused on her grievance with Gary, she is unable to release the knots of hurt, disappointment, fear, and anger. If she can let the grievance go and experience whatever feelings come up, she will discover a deeper wisdom (her Higher Power, her Buddha nature, her Big Mind) that will guide in her decision about whether to let herself be fully present in the marriage or to allow the marriage to end. Whichever decision this deeper wisdom makes clear, Patti will then be able to trust that she is making the right decision.

A Celebration

2007-06-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

S and I celebrated 21 years of marriage yesterday. Being in recovery has been essential to being married that long, and being married that long has been essential to being in recovery. They are inextricably connected and cannot be separated from each other.

I got into recovery because of S. She taught me about the disease of addiction. She taught me about the need for abstinence from all addictive substances. She has always supported my recovery.

Our involvement in recovery made it possible for us to get married. It has enabled us to stay married. Staying clean and sober, being actively involved in 12-Step programs, and talking to each other about the recovery process has been a vital to our marriage. Time and again working the steps and going to meetings has enabled us to work through the inevitable difficulties of living in an intimate relationship with each other.

Being married has been central to my ongoing sobriety. I have turned to S rather than alcohol and pot for support, comfort, and understanding over and over again when I have been upset.
The importance of staying together has always brought me up short when I find myself thinking that I sure would like to find out what those microbrews taste like or how much fun it would be to get stoned and go on some adventure. The joy and the delight of being so close to S have replaced the miserableness and the unhappiness of being so isolated when I was drinking and using.

So on this second day of our 22nd year together, I am deeply grateful to S and our relationship for my ongoing recovery and deeply grateful to AA, my home group, my sponsor, and all the people practicing recovery for my ongoing marriage.

Control and Relationships

2007-06-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

Even though you try to put people under some control, it is impossible. You cannot do it. The best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous. Then they will be in control in its wider sense. To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the best way to control him. So it is with people: first let them do what they want, and watch them. This is the best policy. To ignore them is not good; that is the worst policy. The second worst is trying to control them. The best one is to watch them, just to watch them, without trying to control them.
Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

This has been one of my favorite quotes since I first read it more than 30 years ago. It continues to form one of my core beliefs about healthy relationships---the more we try to control our partner in a relationship, the more unhealthy that relationship becomes. But, as the quote indicates, letting go of trying to control a partner does not mean ignoring him or her--that is the worst policy and usually leads to the demise of the relationship.

Control is about trying to force or manipulate a partner to speak or act in a certain way. It is about demanding or expecting a partner to be different than the way he or she is. It is about blaming a partner for our unhappiness. It is about criticizing a partner for being wrong, being stupid, not paying attention, etc. It is about threatening a partner with dire consequences if he or she doesn't do what we demand. It is not about love. What is more, it doesn't work. Instead it leads to an unhealthy relationship, filled with resentment and a desire to retaliate in kind.

Alanon has another phrase for what makes a relationship healthy in recovery---detaching with love. Detachment does not mean ignoring a partner. It does not mean letting go of awareness and concern about what and how a partner is feeling. It does not mean being silent when there is some dissatisfaction about the relationship. It does not mean becoming so separate that both partners are traveling down parallel tracks that never meet and never connect.

One of my early teachers said that he believed the essential feature of a healthy relationship was letting go of expectations while remaining connected. Detaching with love is another way of describing that. We give our partners a large, spacious emotional meadow where they can thrive and we watch them with affection and care. We accept them as they are, not as we think they ought to be or as we would wish them to be.

The word "watch" is tricky here. Alanon rightly emphasizes that playing detective, watching an alcoholic-addict partner's every move to see whether or not they are drinking/using or trying to head off any unwanted behavior, is not helpful to us or our partners. Alanon encourages members to place their focus on learning how to take care of themselves, since that has often gotten lost during the years of being partners with an actively using alcoholic or addict. Alanon also teaches us that focusing all our attention on our partner in an effort to fix him or her usually helps our partner avoid taking responsibility for actions and their consequences.

Sometimes watching a partner in the way I am describing leads to the conclusion that the partnership is not a healthy one and is unlikely to become healthy because of the partner's attitudes and behavior. When efforts to bring this observation to the partner's attention are continually met with denial, defensiveness, anger and blame, detaching with love in this kind of situation usually means letting go of the relationship. But this letting go is not a last-ditch attempt to control or force a partner to become what we want him/her to be---it is recognition that the time has come to detach completely from the relationship and to move on with our own life. We may continue to watch our partner, especially if there are children involved, but it will be from afar.

Step Eleven's emphasis on prayer and meditation is excellent advice for learning to watch a partner without ignoring or trying to control him/her. We learn to watch our thoughts and impulses to make our partners behave the way we think they should, and we find the space not to act on those thoughts. We learn to become more aware of the suffering our partners create for themselves and others without adding to their suffering or ours.

12-Step programs describe this process as one of letting go and letting God. Buddhism describes it as being mindful and practicing equanimity. Both of them recognize that trying to control our partner only makes matters worse.

The Illusion of "I" and the Reality of "We"

2007-06-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

I was astonished by the endless, often contradictory thoughts which appeared when I first began meditating (they are still endless and often contradictory after many years of meditating, but that no longer astonishes me.) I soon began to wonder who "I" was. Was I the person making all kinds of internal comments and evaluations about everyone and everything around me? Was I the addict who loved getting high and going for a walk in the woods? Was I the the angry guy who felt resentful when others didn't drive the way I thought they should? Or was I the man sitting quietly on a cushion with nothing much going on in his mind?

From moment to moment, who I was shifted from thought to thought, never graspable and never observable. I was not my body; it could be hurting one day and feeling no pain the next. I was not my feelings; who I was when sad was not who I was when happy. I was not my thoughts; they appeared out of nowhere and then quickly disappeared only to be replaced by other thoughts that had nothing to do with the first ones. The more I tried to discover who or what "I" is, the more elusive it became.

The Buddhists say "I" is a delusion. Seeing the world through the eyes of "I", "me", and "mine" is the major source of our suffering. 12-Step programs say that "ego deflation" is essential to the path of recovery. It is the key to letting go of harmful behaviors and accepting the world as it is rather than demanding it be the way we want it to be. Even philosophers of computer technology talk about "I" being an illusion. Douglas Hofstadter says in his new book, I am a Strange Loop, The "I"--yours, mine, everyone's--is a tremendously effective illusion...

Relationships are not about "I". They are not about "me and you". They are about "we".
The first word in the 12 Steps is "we". "I" and "you" do not appear in any of the steps. Nor do "me", "mine", or "your" appear in those steps. That is because, as one of the many 12-Step slogans puts it, "We can do what I can't."

Every relationship has 3 elements: him, her, and the relationship itself (sometimes it might be him, him, and the relationship or her, her, and the relationship.) When I am working with a couple, my relationship is with the relationship rather than either partner. I have learned both in my marriage and in my work that the relationship and its needs are every bit as important as the needs of each partner. In fact, it is often as important to consider the relationship's needs first if it is to survive and prosper.

A session a few months ago provides a good example of how sometimes one or both partners must consider the well-being of their relationship when making an individual decision. Adam and Marie have been married a little more than a year. It is a second marriage for both of them, they each have children from prior marriages, and both are fairly new to recovery

Adam's ex-partner, who is not in recovery, does not fully accept Marie as his new primary partner. Recently, this ex-partner asked a favor from Adam that seemed innocuous to him, and he readily granted the favor. But Marie saw the ex-partner's request as a ploy to maintain favored status with Adam and was quite hurt and angry that he had granted the favor.

In almost every second marriage, there comes a moment when one or both partners need to demonstrate to an earlier partner (and sometimes to the children as well) that their primary loyalty is to the new relationship. At first, Adam couldn't see why Marie was making such a big deal about the favor. But as we worked our way through the session, he came to realize that this so-called minor favor had enormous implications for his relationship with Marie. Adam saw that it was time to draw an unmistakable boundary making it clear to everyone that his primary allegiance is to the "we" that was created when he married Marie.

When N and I married many years ago, I read a paragraph from a wonderful little book entitled Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. That paragraph is even more pertinent today after 20+ years of marriage, so I will close this post with that quote--
Now I would like to talk about our zazen (meditation) posture. When we cross our legs like this, even though we have a right leg and a left leg, they have become one. The position expresses the oneness of duality: not two, and not one. This is the most important teaching: not two, and not one. Our body and mind are not two and not one. If you think your body and mind are two, that is wrong; if you think they are one, that is also wrong. Our body and mind are both two and one. We usually think that if something is not one, it is more than one; if it is not singular, it is plural. But in actual experience, our life is not only plural, but also singular. Each one of us is both dependent and independent.
Substitute the word "relationship" for "life" in the next to last sentence, and this paragraph describes the reality of a healthy relationship.

Pain, the Conditioned Mind, and Awareness

2007-06-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

D and K came to me for help with their relationship. D has been the identified alcoholic in the marriage. K has been the identified co-alcoholic. They have both identified themselves as a couple in recovery--each of them has been active in 12-Step programs for many years.

As so often happens, marriage counseling has brought a major unidentified issue to the fore. In this case, that unidentified issue is K's alcoholic drinking. After weeks of denying that reality, K agreed several days ago to go to treatment after K was fired for being drunk at work.

D is emotionally out of control, saying "How can I stay married to an alcoholic?" This seemingly outrageous statement (what about the reality that K is also married to an alcoholic?) makes sense in light of D's childhood. D's mother was an alcoholic who abandoned D and her other children. D is terrified that K's alcoholism means K will abandon D and their children.

Despite years of sobriety and recovery, D has no serenity at the moment. The activation of intense emotional pain stemming from D's childhood abandonment is overriding D's ability to think and act rationally. D wants to get a lawyer and file for divorce immediately, believing that will remove the pain.

D is totally caught up in what Buddhist's call the conditioned mind. The conditioned mind begins to form in childhood as a child develops beliefs about him/herself and the world. These beliefs combine with feelings and behaviors to create various subpersonalities, which allow the child to adapt and survive. When a situation arises that feels similar to the childhood experience which created a particular subpersonality, that subpersonality takes over, hijacks the ego, and demands immediate attention.

Both Buddhism and 12-Step programs suggest a practical tool for keeping this process from wreaking havoc in our lives. That tool is meditation. Meditation teaches us how to meet pain with awareness. Rather than trying to avoid the pain by distracting ourselves or trying to find something which will remove the pain, we meet the pain in meditation by paying close attention to it. We learn to observe it; and in doing so, learn about an accepting, conscious, compassionate part of ourselves. The Buddhists call this part Buddha nature, and 12-Step programs refer to it as our Higher Power.

As Jon Kabat-Sinn, founder of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program has written, if you move into pure awareness in the midst of pain, even for the tiniest moment, your relationship with your pain is going to shift right in that very moment. It is impossible for it not to change because the gesture of holding it, even if not sustained for long, even for a second or two, already reveals its larger dimensionality. And that shift in your relationship with the experience gives you more degrees of freedom in your attitude and in your actions in a given situation, whatever it is...even if you don't know what to do.

So right now I am encouraging D to spend a lot of time using Step Eleven's guidelines to help
D return to center. D doesn't have to make any decisions about the future of the marriage at this time. D doesn't have to try to figure out where the relationship is going. What D does need to do is to find an emotionally calm place and give K the space to come to terms with being an alcoholic and achieving sobriety. More will be revealed.

Mindfulness, Addiction, and Relationships

2007-05-31T14:53:00.000-07:00

After meeting S in the early summer of 1983 and hearing her talk about the disease concept of addiction, I began to realize that my use of pot was addictive, not recreational. By mid-summer I had made the decision to stop using, but did not believe that I was actually an addict. I remained abstinent for about 60 days, got stoned, and then stayed abstinent for another 60 days.

In the meantime, S and I began a relationship. We were seeing each other almost daily by the early fall. One day in early November we were out on a Sunday drive when S casually mentioned that she believed recovery from addiction depended on ceasing use of all mind-altering substances. I was not ready to accept this. I was not ready to quit drinking. Instead, I ended our relationship within a month.

I was miserable through the holidays. I didn't feel much better in January and February. But I was determined not to give up my beer before bed every evening nor my bottle of good wine on the weekend. I did, however, continue to meditate every morning for 20 to 30 minutes.

I had several teeth pulled in mid-March. The dentist gave me half a dozen Tylenol 3 for use when the anesthetic wore off. He directed me to take 2 every four hours. I consumed all of them within an hour of getting home, went out to buy a 6-pack of beer, which I drank within a couple of hours, and then went out to buy some pot from a street dealer.

Upon awakening, I knew I was (and am) an alcoholic-addict. There was no doubt in my mind about the truth of that realization. And there was no doubt in my mind that abstinence from all mind-altering substances was the only way I was going to recover my sanity. And, finally, there was no doubt in my mind that I loved S deeply and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

At least, I had the wisdom to wait a few weeks before calling her to see if she would be willing to resume the relationship. During those few weeks, my heart would say yes each morning in meditation when I would check in to see if I still felt the same about her. Although I was ready to return to the relationship we had had 6 months earlier, S had the wisdom to suggest that we take it slowly. We did, and in doing so, we laid the foundation for a marriage built to last.

Meditation played a critical role in awakening to the reality of my addiction. Meditation is about bringing attention to the contents of our mind, about being mindful. As we sit looking at our thoughts and feelings with open, nonjudgmental attention, we begin to see truths about ourselves and the world about us which are obscured by our ceaseless judgments and evaluations. The mindfulness we cultivate by meditating creates the conditions for significant transformations.

Just as 12-Step programs use the acronym HALT* to help someone in recovery avoid relapse, Western mindfulness retreats use the acronym RAIN to remind meditators about the 4 basic principles of mindful transformation. R is for Recognition, of seeing what is happening in the moment. When I recognized the reality of my addiction, I stepped out of denial. When I recognized the truth of my love for S, I could no longer pretend I didn't want a close relationship with her.

A is for Acceptance. Acceptance makes it possible for us to open to and begin to work with the reality we have just recognized. Once I accepted the reality of being an alcoholic-addict, the source of many of the problems in my life was clear and I could work effectively to change them. Accepting my deep feelings for S gave me the courage to go back and ask for a chance to develop a healthy relationship with her.

I is for Investigation. I had begun investigating the nature of my addiction after my first meeting with S. I read several books about the disease concept of addiction. I answered yes to too many of the questions about my use of pot (but didn't want to ask those questions about my alcohol use.) Once I awoke to the reality of my addiction, I could investigate my feelings about S more clearly. They were strong, they were real, and they didn't go away.To this day, investigating the feelings that come up in relation to S has been critical to the health of our relationship.

And N is for Non-identification. An article in the New York Times several weeks ago described some research in which students were asked to recall a bad memory, whether an argument or a failed exam. Half the students were asked to recall it in the first person (e.g., "I failed my calculus exam.") The other half were asked to recall it in the third person, as if they were watching themselves in a movie. The researchers found that those recalling bad memories in the third person were significantly less upset by them, which gave them the ability to focus more on the why and how of what made them upset.

This is what happens during meditation. As we recognize, accept, and investigate our thoughts and feelings, we gain some distance from them. When I awoke to the reality of being an alcoholic-addict, I was not overwhelmed by feelings of shame and self-hate. Doctor A cannot drink or use pot without losing control, but that reality does not constitute the entire reality of who Doctor A is. When S and I get into an argument, the argument comes to an end when I am able to step back from my anger, disidentify with it, and remember how much I love her. Letting go of "I," "me" and "mine" always makes for a better relationship.

Meditation is about developing mindfulness. And mindfulness is about using recognition, acceptance, investigation, and non-identification to transform our difficulties. These are invaluable tools both for recovery from addiction and for relationships in recovery. They are universal tools, belonging to no particular religion or spiritual path. They do not conflict with the 12-Step emphasis on turning our will and our lives over to a Higher Power. Most importantly, they work.

*HALT stands for not getting too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely, or too Tired

My Story Part II--Spiritual Beginnings

2007-05-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

I grew up in the Fifties going to a quasi-fundamentalist church every Sunday with my parents. By the time I was 14, I wanted no part of that and stopped going. For the next 20 years, religion and spirituality played no part in my life. I felt no interest and saw no need for anything spiritual.

That began to change when I was in my mid-thirties after a series of experiences while I was stoned. One Saturday afternoon I fell into a trance out in the woods and felt at one with the universe. Several weeks later, I was sitting stoned in the park and felt the ground begin to shake--the next day I read that China and India had begun firing at each other in the Himalayas about the time I felt the ground shaking. A month later, stoned and drunk, I stood transfixed by the incredible beauty of the early morning sun shining through an old growth forest in a state park on the Oregon coast.

These experiences opened up a hunger for more of them. I spent five more years trying to recreate them with pot. That never happened. I had been given a glimpse of something, but I didn't understand what it was. It was a spiritual opening.

Six months later my emotional world collapsed. My girlfriend left, saying she no longer wanted to put up with my use of pot and alcohol. I was alone and in deep emotional pain. Soon I wasn't sleeping or eating as I slid into a major depression. By the end of three months I was beginning to feel suicidal.

And then one day I spotted a book in my supervisor's office--The Myth of Freedom written by a Tibetan Buddhist named Chogyam Trungpa. For some reason, I picked it up and began reading. In the midst of my insanity, his writing seemed the sanest thing I had read in some time. (I didn't know then that Trungpa was an unrecovered alcoholic-addict himself--so maybe that's why his writing seemed so sane to this alcoholic-addict.)

I started meditating every morning. Slowly I began to feel better, sleeping through the night and regaining my normal appetite. I read other Buddhist writings, finding a wisdom and understanding about life for which I hadn't even realized I was hungering. The spiritual opening from a year earlier began to grow.

But, of course, as I began to feel better, my denial about my addiction remained intact. I continued to get stoned and drunk, seeing no contradiction between my craving for substance-created altered states and the Buddha's teachings about craving as a major source of suffering. In fact, I often believed I understood the Buddha's teachings most profoundly when I was stoned.

Nonetheless, the seed of spirituality had been planted. I am still meditating more than 25 years later. I believe it was my meditating and reading Buddhist literature that prepared me for my awakening from denial one morning in 1984, understanding I was (and still am) an alcoholic-addict, and making a decision to turn my pot and alcohol-conditioned mind over to the power of the Buddha's teachings. And, I'm convinced, it has been this spiritual practice that led me to N and that has sustained our relationship over the years.

So over the next month or so I want to turn my attention in this blog to the topic of Buddhism and relationships in recovery.

A Distancer-Pursuer Relationship in Early Recovery

2007-05-21T21:24:00.001-07:00

D and J came to see me when D had been clean and sober for six months. D had tried to quit drinking and drugging a number of times, but he had never gone without alcohol or drugs for more than a month until he finally surrendered and began attending AA regularly. D and J had been on the proverbial pink cloud for the first three months of his sobriety, believing they were well on the road to healing their relationship. But after that pink cloud dissipated, as it inevitably does, D and J found themselves falling back into the old unhappy pattern of their relationship. D began to spend more and more time either away from the house or holed up with his computer, while J angrily demanded that D be more involved with her and the household. By the time they got to my office, both of them were feeling hopeless about their relationship.
At first J had been thrilled about D's involvement in AA. She was happy he was attending meetings regularly and going out for coffee after the meeting with his new sober friends. She had not gotten involved in Alanon because she saw D as the one who had problems that needed fixing. She believed it was her job to make sure that D went to meetings regularly and stayed clean and sober.
J also expected D to be much more emotionally available and involved with her after he stopped getting drunk and loaded. When that didn't happen, her protest took the form of angry tears and statements that D was selfish and uncaring about her needs for love and support. Even when D brought her flowers to show he cared, she interpreted his effort as an effort to appease her, to "get me off his back."
D responded to J's distress and need for closeness with either pity or disdain. He had bought flowers for her when he was feeling sorry for her and wanting to show her he did love her, but that feeling changed to disdain when she failed to thank him properly. He self-righteously claimed he was doing all he could do just to stay clean and sober. Indeed, "her whining about how I don't pay attention to her gets me upset and just makes it necessary for me to go to more meetings!"
D and J were embroiled in a classic distancer-pursuer relationship. The more D was unavailable, the more J angrily pursued him. The more J pursued D, the more he made himself unavailable. So round and round they went, each blaming the other for all the problems in the relationship.
The foundation for this kind of relationship had been laid long before D and J met and got involved with each other. D had grown up in a family with a distant, alcoholic father and an angry unavailable mother. Early on he had learned to isolate as a way of coping and comforting himself. By the time he was a teenager he saw himself as a strong, self-reliant guy who didn't depend on others and didn't need close emotional ties. His use of alcohol and drugs only enhanced his denial of a need for closeness.
J had grown up in a family with an angry, verbally abusive addicted father and an unhappy mother, who alternated between intrusive involvement with J and bouts of depression when she was completely unavailable. J took on the role of being a compulsive caregiver in the family trying to keep her father from blowing up and her mother from falling into depression. J grew up believing that she could only find acceptance by gaining the romantic approval of others whom she valued more highly than she valued herself.
It was no surprise, then, when D and J fell back into their old pattern after several months of D's sobriety. My primary job as a marital counselor was to encourage J to get involved with Alanon, where she would learn how to detach from her pursuer role, and to support D getting a sponsor and working the steps as a way of learning how to be more dependent on others for help. My office became a safe holding environment for them to work through basic issues such as clearing up their financial chaos and working together as co-parents. Developing a more intimate emotional and sexual relationship would come later.

The Ninth Step and the Process of Healing Relationships

2007-05-21T20:29:00.001-07:00

W used his time during a couples session today to do a Ninth Step with his wife. It was an excellent Ninth Step. He didn't just say something like, "I did a lot of bad things and I'm sorry." He had reviewed his Fourth Step and had given a lot of thought about the character defects that step revealed. He then thought about the specific ways in which he had acted out some of those character defects, recounted them to his wife without defending or rationalizing his behavior, apologized for his hurtful actions, and committed himself to cease continuing them in the future.

W has been clean and sober for more than a decade, so this Ninth Step was not about all the harmful things he had done to the marriage when he was drinking. Instead it was about the many ways in which he has not been present to his wife and children during his years of sobriety. He was clear about how this emotional distance has damaged his marriage and the relationship with his children. He recognized the need for significant changes and recommitted to continuing working toward those changes in the future.

When he was finished, he waited expectantly for his wife to accept his amends, forgive him, and signal a readiness to move forward. She did not meet his expectations. She thanked him for making the amends and acknowledged that he has begun making more of an effort to be present and involved. But then she went on to say that she anticipated feeling a lot of pressure from W to "get over it" and be done with her hurt and anger. She tearfully said she just isn't ready to do that.

This is such a common situation for couples in recovery. 12-Step programs stress the importance of "cleaning up the wreckage of the past" by doing an inventory, recognizing and changing character defects, and making amends. Unfortunately, many people in recovery expect that the wreckage will be cleaned up by the time they have completed making the amends. They are often frustrated and impatient with their partners and children who aren't miraculously freed of their hurt and anger as soon as sincere amends have been made.

During the session we talked about how healing relationships is a long process, not a specific event. Making amends and taking responsibility for one's hurtful behavior is an essential part of that process, but it is still only a part of it. Living the amends by becoming a more loving, caring, and available partner is also a vital aspect of repairing relationships in recovery. Another critical aspect of the healing process is recognizing, accepting and being willing to listen to a partner's need to talk about their pain and frustration, oftentimes repeatedly, until those feelings are resolved. So although the Ninth Step is the last of the six "action" steps in 12-Step programs, it is also usually just an early step in the long, complex process of restoring a relationship to sanity. It is important to keep that in mind when making or receiving a Ninth Step amends.

Step 8 and Repair Attempts

2007-05-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Hearing something new in one of the steps is one of the things that keeps me coming back to AA after being clean and sober for more than 20 years. This morning N, who was celebrating his 20th AA birthday, read the following words about Step 8 from the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions: our defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including alcoholism... So more than 50 years ago, Bill W recognized what has become clear to people who study attachment---alcoholism and addiction are a form of attachment disorder, a response to our defective relationships with other human beings.

N went on to talk about how he sees Steps 8 and 9 as tools for repairing relationships, especially close relationships. He said that after 20 years of sobriety, he has learned how to avoid messing up relationships with coworkers, casual acquaintances, and other people he meets outside his home during the course of the day. But he still finds himself getting into quarrels often with his partner and his son. When that happens, he uses Step 8 as a way of a taking a look at his part in the quarrel and then taking responsibility for that part. Making amends for his role in the difficulty begins the process of repairing whatever damage has happened in the relationship.

N's experience of needing to use Steps 8 and 9 most often in his closest relationships is true of all of us. We are not saints. We are not going to be perfect in such relationships because our partners, our children, and our parents tend to evoke our strongest emotions, both positive and negative. As a result, we will find ourselves involved in conflict with those closest to us, especially our partners, over and over again. Thus we need tools for repairing and healing our intimate relationships.

Marital researcher, John Gottman, has found from studying thousands of couples that marital satisfaction does not depend on the absence of conflict, but on what couples do when conflict arises. Couples in satisfactory marriages do two things when they are quarreling. First, one of them will make an effort to deescalate the negative process that is developing and, second, the other partner accepts this bid in some kind of positive manner.

These behaviors, which Gottman labels repair attempts, are any statement or action that works to keep negative emotions from spiraling out of control. Acknowledging our responsibility for our piece of the argument and making an amends is certainly an example of this. But Gottman points out that there are all kinds of effective repair attempts. A smile, a friendly touch, a humorous (but not sarcastic!) comment are also ways to reduce tension and make things better.

Gottman goes on to say that all couples, even the most unhappy ones, use repair attempts. What is equally important is the response to a bid to repair the relationship. In happy marriages, couples not only make bids frequently and easily in order to dampen the negativity, but they also accept each other's bids. In unhappy marriages, however, partners do not accept the effort to move away from negativity. Instead, partner B responds negatively to Partner A's expression of dissatisfaction, and they are soon locked into escalating conflict. Both partners come away from such quarrels even more unhappy and more discouraged about their relationship.

Steps 8 and 9 represent a powerful attempt to make things better when we and our partner have become unhappy with each other. But it is also incumbent upon those of us in recovery to be on the lookout for our partner's repair attempts and to respond positively to them. When we do so, we will find that we are no longer caught up in the kind of defective relations that have been the cause of our woes. Instead we will find, as Bill W says at the end of his chapter on Step 8: this step is the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God.

A Miracle

2007-05-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

Last night one of the members of my men's group celebrated his first year of recovery from sex addiction. He was also celebrating the survival of his marriage. Both his year of recovery and the survival of his marriage are miracles. A year ago none of us would have been willing to take a bet on either outcome.

P is a middle-aged professional with a lovely wife and two young adult children. He has been quite successful in his work and lives a luxurious life. Everyone saw him as a great guy--good husband, loving father, caring of others.

You can imagine the shock when he confessed to us about 18 months ago that he had been leading a secret life for several years. He had begun an affair several years earlier with a woman he had met on one of his business travels. They often traveled together. On several occasions she spent the night with him at his home when his wife was out of town.

P let us in on his secret after his wife found out about the other woman. He insisted to us and to his wife that he did not want to end the marriage and that he would end the affair immediately. Several weeks later, he confessed to us that he was still seeing his paramour because "I need to end it my way--I don't want to hurt her by leaving abruptly."

All of us knew he was headed for trouble, but P assured us he could bring the affair to an end without his wife being the wiser. He talked about how the secrecy and illicit nature of the relationship heightened his sexual excitement when he was with this woman. He knew he needed to end things with her if he really wanted to keep his marriage, but admitted how hard it was to let go of the relationship entirely.

Of course, everything blew up several months later when his wife found an article of clothing the other woman had left behind while she was out of town. His wife was livid, but said she wasn't ready to give up on the marriage even though their children and friends all advised her to throw him out immediately.

P surrendered. He called the other woman to tell her he would have no further contact with her. He has kept that promise. He entered therapy with a man well-versed in the power of sexual addiction. P acknowledged to this therapist that he had been leading a secret life for a long time, having been involved with a half dozen other women at various times in his past.
And, finally, P began attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings on a regular basis. Through the program, he admitted how out of control his behavior had been and how unable he had been to control it.

P's wife is an extraordinary woman. She insisted that P tell her the truth about all his sexual acting out. And he did. Despite her enormous hurt and anger, she hung in there. There were several setbacks when P held back information out of fear of her reaction (it took P a while to understand that his wife was even more upset about his secrecy and dishonesty than about what he had done), but P and his wife were able to work through them. As P was celebrating his sexual sobriety anniversary last night he said that he feels closer and more deeply in love with his wife than he has at any time during their 25 years together.

So why has their marriage survived? How is it possible for P to feel that he and his wife are more deeply connected, emotionally and sexually, despite his compulsive sexual acting out?How can there be trust and openness in the face of such behavior?

I see a number of reasons. First, P totally surrendered to the reality of his addictive behavior and made a decision to do whatever it would take to recover from it. Second, both P and his wife did not try to deny, rationalize, minimize, or otherwise hide the truth of what had happened. Third, and most important, they turned toward each other again and again throughout this past year.

Although P's wife had to take a timeout from the relationship several times when she felt so overwhelmed by the knowledge of what P had done, she always turned back to him and the relationship. And P stayed present over and over again with his wife as she cried out in deep pain or lashed out in intense anger. Despite his strong feelings of guilt ("I know she's in such pain because of what I did") P did not become defensive nor did he try to shut down his wife's powerful emotions.

P has come to recognize that his sexual addiction was an attempt to fix "the hole in my soul." But no matter how exciting the affair was, the hole remained. It is only in the last year, as he has opened up entirely and let his wife all the way in, that the hole has begun to close. So long as he continues on this path of sexual sobriety, the hole will continue to heal.

King-Baby

2007-05-14T18:18:00.000-07:00

My last treatment program supervisor once characterized himself as "King-Baby" before he got clean and sober. One moment he would behave in a grandiose manner, believing he was superior to everyone around him, demanding perfection from them, and acting as if he were entirely self-sufficient. But at another moment, filled with resentment and self-pity, he would be having a tantrum because he felt others were not responding positively to his demands.

Both the King and the Baby were defense mechanisms to cover up painful feelings of shame and low self-worth. The King and the Baby enabled him to deny his need for intimacy and attachment. As long as he continued to drink, his false self kept those painful feelings at bay.

Treatment and participation in AA provided a safe holding environment to manage such feelings when he no longer had alcohol to push them away. With the help of his sponsor and others in the program, he was able to contain the negative, destructive impulses which had done so much harm when he was drinking. But the feelings themselves did not go away.

That did not happen until he had been sober several years. Then he fell in love with a woman who was capable of being in a healthy and healing relationship. She admired and encouraged him. She valued his recovery. At the same time she was clear about her boundaries and her unwillingness to be treated badly by him.

This relationship was very healing for him. It gave him the opportunity to experience and internalize a positive sense of himself that had been lacking in his childhood. Although several fourth and fifth steps had given him an understanding of the reasons for his feelings of shame and inadequacy, this understanding did not change them. It was the emotional engagement with his wife that ultimately dissolved those feelings.

Over the years I have learned that insight is rarely, if ever, an agent of change. Indeed, I have come to conclude that insight is usually the result of change. And change comes only when a person is willing to take the risk of being emotionally engaged. When we are emotionally engaged with someone, our old patterns of attachment are activated. When that happens, we are presented with an opportunity for a new experience that can heal the old dysfunctional pattern. But we have to be willing to take the risk.

The Seventh Step, Listening, Feelings, and Relationships

2007-05-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

I've just returned from a great meeting at my home group. It is a step study group, and today we were talking about Step 7. The person chairing the meeting is a guy who works for a major health care provider. He mans their emergency mental health phone five days a week.

He said he had found that what people most want when they call is to be heard without judgment. He has come to realize that nonjudgmental, fully present listening is the most helpful and healing thing he can do. I have found the same thing to be true in my relationship with S. When I listen with respect and acceptance to whatever she might be unhappy or upset about, we are able to deal with the issue in a positive manner. But when I interrupt, make judgments, give advice, or start talking about my own issues, we usually find ourselves falling into conflict and unhappiness with each other.

J also talked about applying that nonjudgmental listening to his own feelings. When he acknowledges them to himself and does not resist them, they usually pass within twenty to thirty minutes. But if he resists the feeling, telling himself it is unacceptable for whatever reason, or if he encourages the feeling by ruminating about it, then the feeling gets bigger and stays around much longer.

That sure hit home with me. Whenever I try to ignore or repress a feeling, I become increasingly less present to myself and others. This is especially true with S who always senses something is going on with me. I have learned over the years to take her seriously when she asks me, "What's going on?" Although my usual impulse is still to reply, "Nothing!", I know I need to start noticing and listening to what's going on inside and to talk to her about what I'm discovering. If I refuse to do that, our relationship goes downhill rapidly.

Indulging and wallowing in unhappy feelings doesn't lead to positive results, either. That only increases my internal critical voice which tells me how incompetent and wrong I am. When that happens, it's not long before I am withdrawn and hostile when S seeks contact with me.

So learning that my feelings and the thoughts that go with them are not character defects themselves has been essential both to my recovery and to a good relationship with S. Acknowledging the reality of whatever I'm feeling without holding S responsible for it and without beating myself up for having it leads to a good outcome. Denying what I'm feeling, blaming S for its existence, or telling myself I'm wrong and bad for having it are guaranteed to lead to a bad outcome. It is these behaviors that constitute some of the character defects I humbly ask my Higher Power to remove.

AA and Close Relationships

2007-05-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I wrote that working the steps of AA was not enough to make it possible for me to be in a close relationship. I had to learn how to do that by being in a relationship with S.

But AA has been an essential part of that relationship. Without the program, S and I would not have been able to stay together long enough to learn how to achieve a mutually satisfactory marriage. Among other things, AA has served as a powerful holding environment for me. As I've struggled to learn how to be close, to handle conflict, to deal with uncomfortable feelings stirred up by the relationship, and to be a loving, caring partner, I have relied on my sponsors and members of my home group to support me. When I've felt out of control emotionally, going to meetings has always helped calm me down and regain some serenity. I've done the old ninety meetings in ninety days several times during the last twenty years when I felt like I couldn't handle things anymore.

Our neediness for unconditional love and acceptance often feels insatiable by the time we get to a 12-Step program. Most of us failed to get that in our families when we were young. As a result, most of us grew up with an inadequate capacity to form intimate attachments. The effect of our addictive behavior on others only made things worse. We come to sobriety desperately needing someone who will tell us to keep coming back no matter how crazy we act or feel.

Most of us are not capable of learning how to be emotionally close with a partner or significant other when we first get clean and sober. We feel so overwhelmed by our feelings that we often cannot even talk about them until we've got some months of sobriety. Our capacity to tolerate anxiety and/or depression is minimal. All of our energy and focus needs to go into staying sober.

So letting ourselves get attached to the program, experiencing the relief of being unconditionally accepted, of letting others love us until we can love ourselves is the best first step we can take in learning how to be in relationship while clean and sober. It can provide the secure base from which we can eventually learn how to make our intimate relationships work. And the program will always be there to encourage us to persevere when we screw up our partnerships as we inevitably will. Because making our relationships work is based on progress not perfection.

Models of Attachment and Relationships in Recovery

2007-05-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

I started the process of becoming a marriage and family therapist thirty years ago. Went back to school to get a Masters in psych and did a marriage and family internship at a psychiatric hospital. There are no accidents about addiction because my internship was in an inpatient treatment program for drug addiction. But this place didn't believe that addiction is a primary disease which must be treated first before there's any hope of making positive changes in relationships. So we brought families and couples together and tried to treat the addictions that way. Surprise, surprise, no one ever made it into ongoing recovery and none of the relationship improvements survived more than a few months. The place did, however, bring my own addiction to pot and booze to full bloom---my dealer was a fellow staff member and getting high at staff parties was a given.

I got clean and sober when I finally accepted that my addiction to pot and booze was a disease. I accepted that I was powerless over the stuff and could readily see how unmanageable my life had become. My mom was addicted to opiate prescription drugs and both of her sisters drank alcoholically, so I could see where the genetic predisposition came from. With this new perspective I came to believe that relationship problems were a result of alcohol and drug addiction. Working the steps and clearing up the wreckage of the past would take care of those problems. Being restored to sanity would include being restored to satisfying relationships.

That's not what happened. Doing an inventory, seeing my character defects, and making amends were not enough. I had to learn how to be in a close relationship. I hadn't learned that in my family, and I hadn't learned that in my first marriage. In sobriety I realized my problems with relationships began long before my first drink.

I kept hearing the same thing at meetings. People talked about growing up in alcoholic families and never learning how to trust. A therapist who has worked with recovering women for years told me she has yet to meet one who was not sexually and/or physically abused as a child. Even the people who say they had a great childhood can't remember much of their childhood and are not able to provide much detail about what made life in their family so positive.

Our ability to form and maintain close relationships is impaired. Our problems began long before we picked up the first drink or smoked our first joint. The impairment began during the first few years of our lives when we failed to develop secure bonds with our parents. Some of us grew up anxiously preoccupied with our parent's availability and approval. Others of us came to believe that we were alright on on our own and didn't need our parents. And some of us wanted a connection with our parents but were afraid of negative consequences if we sought it. All of us developed an insecure model of attachment.

All human beings appear to be hard-wired to need the help of others to regulate their emotions during times of stress. People who grow up with parents who are attuned and appropriately responsive to them feel confident that their need for comfort and support will be available from people close to them when they are upset. As adults they expect their partners will be a safe haven when times are rough. They know they can rely on their partners as a secure base from which to go out and engage the world. They operate from a secure model of attachment.

We alcoholics and addicts lack that kind of attachment model. We don't feel confident we can always count on our partner for comfort and support. The relationship with our partner does not serve as a secure base from which we operate out in the world. We either deny we have such needs, constantly need reassurance from our partners that we are loved, or fear rejection if we reach out for support. No wonder we and our partners find it so difficult to make our relationships work in recovery.

Trauma, Insecure Attachment and Addiction

2007-05-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

R's mother became so depressed when he was almost two that she was hospitalized for nearly a month (this was in the days before antidepressant medication was available.) His mother's prolonged absence severely traumatized R. He couldn't be comforted, he wouldn't smile, and he didn't eat, losing almost twenty-five percent of his body weight, until his uncle finally got him to open his mouth by making him laugh.

R had been a happy, outgoing toddler before this experience. He trusted the adults in his life to be a safe haven when he encountered difficulties. His secure attachment to his mother gave him confidence to explore the world around him and to interact with the people in it. Occasionally something might scare or anger him, but his mother was sufficiently attuned to him that his upsets were short-lived.

R became a different child after the trauma of his beloved mother's lengthly disappearance. He no longer trusted that his mother would be there when he needed her. His distrust only deepened as his mother had recurring bouts of depression and hospitalizations. He came to believe that he needed to be emotionally self-sufficient as much as possible. Because of this belief he learned to avoid letting himself get too close to anyone.

After he learned to read R discovered a way to minimize his feelings of loneliness. Books became his beloved companions, always there for him and never rejecting him. And his love of reading and learning earned him positive attention and praise from his teachers. School was R's refuge, the place where he felt most secure and connected.

But school didn't teach R about how to be close in a relationship. He didn't date until his last year of high school. When he did let himself get involved with someone, he would find a way to sabotage things. He lost one serious girlfriend when he replied to her question about whether he had missed her while she was away on vacation, "Out of sight, out of mind."

When R initially began drinking and using drugs, he found that being drunk and/or high made it possible for him to reach out and make connections with others. It gave him a self-confidence that he hadn't known before. He was delighted to find that women found him attractive.

Eventually he met a woman he wanted to marry. He was so happy when she said yes. But after the high of getting married wore off, he reverted back to his avoidant style of relating. More and more, he immersed himself in his books. His alcohol and drug use soon became a way of avoiding emotional intimacy with his wife. After a few years he divorced her, saying he no longer loved her. His drinking and drugging escalated dramatically after the divorce.

After R got clean and sober, he still didn't know how to be close in a relationship. He made a good beginning by finding a home group and a sponsor in AA. They taught him how to reach out for help when he was distressed instead of isolating. The steps showed him how to take an honest look at himself, identify his character defects, and repair old hurts by making amends.

But the program didn't teach him any more than school had about how to make an emotionally close relationship work. Although he made several fearless and thorough moral inventories during his first years of sobriety, none of them freed him of the distrust he felt about becoming open, vulnerable, and dependent in a relationship. He found it easier to avoid letting someone in. So today he remains unattached as he celebrates his fifth AA birthday.

A fragile capacity for attachment

2007-05-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

My parents tried to send me to nursery school when I was four. My mother dropped me off and came back to get me several hours later. I told her I didn't want to go back and refused all her efforts to persuade me to return. But I wouldn't or couldn't tell her what had happened, why I was adamant about not returning. I know about this because she told me about it--I have no memory of that day myself.

I also have no memory of the first grade. I have visited my old grade school several times as an adult. When I walk into that room, I recall no memories of that time nor does that room evoke any feelings. It's as if my mind laid down no tracks of that experience.

In the seventh grade, I fell in love with J. Because our last names began with the same last letter, we were often sitting next to each other for the next five years. J and I talked and talked throughout our junior and senior high school years. But I never once asked her out, afraid that she would reject me and end our friendship if I did.

I met A during my sophomore year of college. We dated and became seriously involved within several months. But at the end of that year we separated as I went off to Holland to school for a year and she went to Japan where she remained for two years. I was lonely and miserable; she seemed to be just fine. Then she got a job with the airlines. We saw each other for a brief weekend as she was on her way to New York for training. After that weekend, we got together occasionally when she had a short layover in the area. Although we hardly knew each other, we got engaged and married the day I graduated from college.

Seven years later, after becoming a father and finally completing my PhD dissertation, I discovered the magic of pot. I loved getting high. Pot plus wine/beer gave me the warm, "connected" feeling that was missing in my marriage. I was divorced within two years, beginning a ten-year odyssey of deepening addiction and a series of failed relationships. But as long as I had my pot and booze to keep me warm, I was OK.

My story illustrates what one person has described as the alcoholic/addict's fragile capacity for establishing intimate, satisfactory relationships. It is true that our use of substances (or sex, food, or gambling) impair our ability to be good partners. It is also true, I believe, that our impaired ability to be good partners is one of the major factors that drives our addiction. Alcohol, drugs, sex, food, and gambling fill that emptiness many of us feel when we try to connect emotionally. And, as we often say in meetings, our addiction gives us the "courage" to be in a relationship. In other words, it isn't just our addiction that makes relationships so difficult for us in recovery; it's also our basic difficulty in making relationships work that fuels our addiction.

My story

2007-05-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

I knew almost nothing about how to make a relationship work well when I finally got clean and sober in 1984. I had been divorced since 1975. My first post-divorce relationship (which, of course, began before my divorce) ended abruptly and painfully after four years. I made several more attempts to establish a new relationship, but they went nowhere as my addiction to pot and booze came to dominate my life.

By the end of 1982 I had decided I was going to be single the rest of my life. I stopped my desperate search for a mate. I would let my old friends, pot and booze, numb the lonely feelings, and I would get by.

When my post-divorce relationship had ended so painfully three years earlier, I had stumbled onto a book about Buddhism that seemed to make a lot of sense. On my own I began to meditate 30-40 minutes every morning, and that seemed to help with the empty, often hung-over state in which I would find myself upon awakening. So I had meditating in the morning and pot/booze in the evening to keep the loneliness at bay.

I continued meditating after I decided I was a confirmed bachelor. But as I did so, I began to be aware of this deep longing to return to P where I had grown up. The longing wouldn't go away, so I did the geographic and moved "home" six months later.

3 weeks after I arrived, I met S. Within 9 months, I was clean and sober. Six months later, we and our children were living together. We got married 2 years after that. 21 years later, we are still married, and I'm still clean and sober.

I read a book many years ago about a long-term study of alcoholic men which began when they were teen-agers and followed them until they were in their fifties. Many of them died or were still drinking at the end of the study. But a number of them got sober and stayed sober. The author of the study found three common elements to their sobriety. They got involved in AA and stayed involved. They had a spiritual awakening. And many of them found a new love relationship that sustained their sobriety.

That has been true for me. Yet so often I hear in meetings about failed or unhappy marriages in sobriety. The struggle to find and sustain a relationship while in recovery comes up over and over again in the program. I have gotten so many calls from clean and sober clients who are desperate for a counseling session as soon as possible because their spouse/partner/significant other has announced they are leaving.

So what makes the difference? Why so some relationships thrive in recovery, while others wither and die? What makes for a happy relationship during sobriety and what destroys that happiness? These are some of the questions I will be addressing in this blog.