Let's remember that alcoholics are not the only ones bedeviled by sick emotions. Moreover, it is usually a fact that our behavior when drinking has aggravated the defects of others....In many instances we are really dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose woes we have increased. If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
If there's something a long-term relationship requires, it's this ability to let go of the last battle and begin again with kindness. When teaching about forgiveness recently, I found myself saying, "I'm an expert on forgiveness: I'm married." This got a big laugh, but indeed, if you can't forgive, your marriage probably won't last very long, or at least it will be a painful one.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
Bruce, a recovering cocaine and sex addict, has been coming to counseling for several months. Many weeks, he brings in another story about how his wife has accused him of being interested in another woman or has once again angrily told him he has permanently ruined her life. We talk about ways he might avoid becoming defensive while gently suggesting to her that she might find relief for her suffering by attending S-anon or some other -anon program. Unfortunately, as so often happens in recovery, she insists that he is the one with the problem and that her angry resentment is justified.
I have known a few marriages which have not only survived but thrived in recovery even when the non-alcoholic/addicted partner chose not to become involved in a 12-Step program. But such marriages are the exception. The great majority of marriages in which only one partner participates in some kind of recovery program either wind up in divorce or limp along painfully for both partners. Without the 12-Step emphasis on letting go and on dealing with your own issues, it is exceedingly hard for the partner of an alcoholic/addict to forgive their recovering spouse for what he or she did during the years of active addiction.
Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do. To reach the place where you are ready to forgive someone who has harmed you requires a good deal of time and work. There is no established timetable for becoming ready to forgive and no easy recipe for doing the work, although working all of the Steps is a great help. A willingness to consider the possibility of forgiving a partner and a faith that you will one day be ready to forgive are essential to the process.
I have recently read some professional articles questioning whether it is even appropriate for a therapist/counselor to encourage a client to think about making forgiveness a goal. Certainly there may be some particularly harmful behaviors which a partner cannot and, perhaps, should not forgive. But unless there are compelling reasons to remain in such a marriage, I think everyone, including the children, will be better off if the marriage dissolves so that both partners are able to move past the last battle and begin a new relationship with kindness. Otherwise, as Kevin Griffin says, "if you can't forgive, your marriage...will be a painful one."
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Step Eight, Part One--The Whole Pattern of our Lives
My spiritual life isn't contingent upon some transcendent meditative experience, but rather my ability to recognize that the person I'm sitting across the breakfast table from is a precious gift in my life; she is my lover, my teacher, my friend. And yet, how many times do I come into conflict with her? Feeling threatened or fearful. Wanting her to behave differently, thinking she doesn't understand me, doesn't appreciate me. On and on. Here again, I'm confronted with the whole pattern of my life. The blaming and judging. The wish to control.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
In the 12x12 Bill Wilson writes about how the process of making a list of all the people we have harmed and looking at the ways we have harmed them can reveal the underlying pattern of our lives. When we take a clear, unflinching look at the way we have behaved in our closest, most intimate relationships, we will also see the whole pattern of our lives, as Kevin Griffin indicates. We may, for instance, see how we have been emotionally distant and unavailable over and over again, which is a good indication that we suffer from the kind of avoidant attachment disorder I wrote about in my earliest posts (and we do suffer when we lack close, secure attachments, although we may tell ourselves we really don't need or want such attachments.) Or we may see how self-centered and self-preoccupied we have been with our partner(s), rarely seeing things from his or her point of view or being willing to give serious consideration to our partner's needs and desires. If we are men, we may come to realize as we do a Step Eight about our intimate relationship(s) how unwilling we have been to do our fair share of household and family tasks. If we are women, we may see how often we feel resentful and unhappy about our partner's behavior and act from that place of resentment and unhappiness.
A good way of thinking about Step Eight in terms of our relationships in recovery is to make a roster of harms we have done to our partner---"the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable." (12x12) The Bluebook of Recovering Couples Anonymous lists an inventory of wrongdoing which partners might consider when working on Step Eight-------
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
In the 12x12 Bill Wilson writes about how the process of making a list of all the people we have harmed and looking at the ways we have harmed them can reveal the underlying pattern of our lives. When we take a clear, unflinching look at the way we have behaved in our closest, most intimate relationships, we will also see the whole pattern of our lives, as Kevin Griffin indicates. We may, for instance, see how we have been emotionally distant and unavailable over and over again, which is a good indication that we suffer from the kind of avoidant attachment disorder I wrote about in my earliest posts (and we do suffer when we lack close, secure attachments, although we may tell ourselves we really don't need or want such attachments.) Or we may see how self-centered and self-preoccupied we have been with our partner(s), rarely seeing things from his or her point of view or being willing to give serious consideration to our partner's needs and desires. If we are men, we may come to realize as we do a Step Eight about our intimate relationship(s) how unwilling we have been to do our fair share of household and family tasks. If we are women, we may see how often we feel resentful and unhappy about our partner's behavior and act from that place of resentment and unhappiness.
A good way of thinking about Step Eight in terms of our relationships in recovery is to make a roster of harms we have done to our partner---"the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable." (12x12) The Bluebook of Recovering Couples Anonymous lists an inventory of wrongdoing which partners might consider when working on Step Eight-------
Four Categories of Wrongdoing
Emotional Wrongs
Venting rage
Holding resentments
Withholding information
The Silent Treatment
Shaming and blaming statements
Material Wrongs
Money--Excessive borrowing, overspending, withholding
Contracts--Cheating or not abiding by them
Disregarding others' boundaries around their personal things
Destroying or violating jointly owned property
Moral Wrongs
Setting bad examples for those who look to us for guidance
Excessive preoccupation/obsession with people or projects which makes us
unavailable to our partners and/or children
Sexual infidelity, broken promises, lying
Personal abuse
Dishonesty and lying
Broken commitments
Spiritual Wrongs
Neglect of obligations
Avoiding self-development
Lack of gratitude
Neglect of spiritual life
Lack of humility
Righteousness
That seems like a pretty comprehensive and specific list of harms to consider when writing down the ways we have harmed our partners over the years.
Finally, Laura S. has an interesting take on Step Eight and the whole pattern of her life before she stopped drinking and joined AA:
I was all set to move on to Step Nine when I heard a woman whose story I identified with a lot talk about the eighth step. I was digesting what she said about putting her own name at the top of the list when she stunned me by adding that she next had to put down the name of all the people who had harmed her, because she had been a compliant victim. Suddenly I saw how many times I had been "victimized" because I had put myself in the position to be, out of self-centered fear, and how much mileage I had gotten out of pity--especially self-pity--for all the "terrible things" that had been done to me.
12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
I'm not real comfortable with this idea because there's a danger of blaming the victim (in this case, oneself) for the harm done to her or him. I'm not sure this approach would help heal a relationship in recovery. On the other hand, there certainly are people, often abuse survivors, who go from one abusive relationship to the next; and it is imperative for such a person to see this pattern and take action to step out of it permanently by not tolerating a partner who is physically and/or emotionally abusive in the relationship.
Venting rage
Holding resentments
Withholding information
The Silent Treatment
Shaming and blaming statements
Material Wrongs
Money--Excessive borrowing, overspending, withholding
Contracts--Cheating or not abiding by them
Disregarding others' boundaries around their personal things
Destroying or violating jointly owned property
Moral Wrongs
Setting bad examples for those who look to us for guidance
Excessive preoccupation/obsession with people or projects which makes us
unavailable to our partners and/or children
Sexual infidelity, broken promises, lying
Personal abuse
Dishonesty and lying
Broken commitments
Spiritual Wrongs
Neglect of obligations
Avoiding self-development
Lack of gratitude
Neglect of spiritual life
Lack of humility
Righteousness
That seems like a pretty comprehensive and specific list of harms to consider when writing down the ways we have harmed our partners over the years.
Finally, Laura S. has an interesting take on Step Eight and the whole pattern of her life before she stopped drinking and joined AA:
I was all set to move on to Step Nine when I heard a woman whose story I identified with a lot talk about the eighth step. I was digesting what she said about putting her own name at the top of the list when she stunned me by adding that she next had to put down the name of all the people who had harmed her, because she had been a compliant victim. Suddenly I saw how many times I had been "victimized" because I had put myself in the position to be, out of self-centered fear, and how much mileage I had gotten out of pity--especially self-pity--for all the "terrible things" that had been done to me.
12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
I'm not real comfortable with this idea because there's a danger of blaming the victim (in this case, oneself) for the harm done to her or him. I'm not sure this approach would help heal a relationship in recovery. On the other hand, there certainly are people, often abuse survivors, who go from one abusive relationship to the next; and it is imperative for such a person to see this pattern and take action to step out of it permanently by not tolerating a partner who is physically and/or emotionally abusive in the relationship.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Step Seven, Part Three---Self-Centered Fear
The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear--primarily that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I discovered that self-centered fear was indeed fueling the anger---fear of loss, fear of abandonment, of not getting what I needed, of losing what I had. And the more deeply I peeled, the more my certainty increased that self-centered fear underlay everything that consistently made me uncomfortable.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Last week Doug and Judy were in for their once-a-month "maintenance" counseling appointment. By the end of the session, I found myself wondering what it is that they're trying to maintain. It certainly didn't seem like a happy, loving, mutually satisfying relationship.
Doug began the session by complaining that Judy hadn't done her part of their homework as she had promised she would if he did his part. He reminded me of a little boy in the back seat of the car complaining to dad that his sister wasn't staying on her side of the seat. Judy said she hadn't done her part of the homework because of all the times in the past when Doug had not been nice to her. She reminded me of a little girl complaining to mom that her brother wouldn't stop poking her so she wasn't going to stop bugging him.
We live in a culture that is saturated with admonitions to "have it your way!"; "you deserve it!"; and other slogans designed to reinforce our sense of entitlement to whatever we are demanding. Our political process has come to be based on politicians exploiting our fear of losing what we already possess. So it is understandable that we can so easily fall into a relationship based more on self-centered fear than on other-directed support and mutuality.
Fortunately, those of us who are members of 12-Step programs receive a much different message. Our experiences with addiction have taught us how unmanageable our lives are when they are guided by our selfish thoughts and actions. In order to live a life free of addiction, we come to realize we must allow our egos to be deflated, must let go of focusing so much on what we want and expect, must learn the "difference between a demand and a simple request." We discover how service and mutual support provide us with much more satisfaction and fulfillment than trying to respond to our self-centered fears of losing something we already possess or failing to get something we demand.
Funny how easily we can lose sight of these basic principles after we have established an intimate relationship with someone else. Once we are past the initial infatuation and sexual excitement and discover that we are not the same and often don't want the same things, we all too quickly stop thinking about "practicing these principles in ALL our affairs." We may continue to be a great mentor and sponsor to newcomers in the program and we may be valued as an important contributor at work, but at home we find ourselves "living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands (so that) we are in a state of continual disturbance and frustration."
Living in a close relationship with another human being is a humbling experience. Over and over again we are confronted by our character defects, by the things that consistently make us uncomfortable ("things that consistently make me uncomfortable is my working definition of shortcomings, character defects, wrongs and the like"----Laura S.) Perhaps no place else is the need for humility greater than living with someone else in an intimate and sustained relationship. The more we are able to let go of our self-centered fears of losing what we have and not getting what we demand, the more we are able to experience the kind of humility the Seventh Step is talking about.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
I discovered that self-centered fear was indeed fueling the anger---fear of loss, fear of abandonment, of not getting what I needed, of losing what I had. And the more deeply I peeled, the more my certainty increased that self-centered fear underlay everything that consistently made me uncomfortable.
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
Last week Doug and Judy were in for their once-a-month "maintenance" counseling appointment. By the end of the session, I found myself wondering what it is that they're trying to maintain. It certainly didn't seem like a happy, loving, mutually satisfying relationship.
Doug began the session by complaining that Judy hadn't done her part of their homework as she had promised she would if he did his part. He reminded me of a little boy in the back seat of the car complaining to dad that his sister wasn't staying on her side of the seat. Judy said she hadn't done her part of the homework because of all the times in the past when Doug had not been nice to her. She reminded me of a little girl complaining to mom that her brother wouldn't stop poking her so she wasn't going to stop bugging him.
We live in a culture that is saturated with admonitions to "have it your way!"; "you deserve it!"; and other slogans designed to reinforce our sense of entitlement to whatever we are demanding. Our political process has come to be based on politicians exploiting our fear of losing what we already possess. So it is understandable that we can so easily fall into a relationship based more on self-centered fear than on other-directed support and mutuality.
Fortunately, those of us who are members of 12-Step programs receive a much different message. Our experiences with addiction have taught us how unmanageable our lives are when they are guided by our selfish thoughts and actions. In order to live a life free of addiction, we come to realize we must allow our egos to be deflated, must let go of focusing so much on what we want and expect, must learn the "difference between a demand and a simple request." We discover how service and mutual support provide us with much more satisfaction and fulfillment than trying to respond to our self-centered fears of losing something we already possess or failing to get something we demand.
Funny how easily we can lose sight of these basic principles after we have established an intimate relationship with someone else. Once we are past the initial infatuation and sexual excitement and discover that we are not the same and often don't want the same things, we all too quickly stop thinking about "practicing these principles in ALL our affairs." We may continue to be a great mentor and sponsor to newcomers in the program and we may be valued as an important contributor at work, but at home we find ourselves "living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands (so that) we are in a state of continual disturbance and frustration."
Living in a close relationship with another human being is a humbling experience. Over and over again we are confronted by our character defects, by the things that consistently make us uncomfortable ("things that consistently make me uncomfortable is my working definition of shortcomings, character defects, wrongs and the like"----Laura S.) Perhaps no place else is the need for humility greater than living with someone else in an intimate and sustained relationship. The more we are able to let go of our self-centered fears of losing what we have and not getting what we demand, the more we are able to experience the kind of humility the Seventh Step is talking about.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Step Seven, Part Two---Character-Building
But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness. Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself....
Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems. We never wanted to deal with suffering. Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us.
12 Steps and 12 Tradition
In order for our shortcomings to be removed, we have to be willing to make major changes.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
I saw an article this morning which said that less than half the people who married in the Seventies stayed married long enough to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The article also showed how much this contrasted with people who married in the Fifties---almost 2/3 of them celebrated a Silver wedding anniversary. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll hasn't been a very good basis for long-term marriages in the Baby Boom generation.
This is not to say that the parents of the baby boomers had marriages that were all that wonderful. Many of those people were deeply unhappy in their partnerships, but they didn't believe they had the option of ending them. This was especially true for women, who knew they faced a very difficult life financially and emotionally if they decided to end an unhappy marriage. Their daughters made sure they would not be put in this position by entering and remaining in the work force in record numbers.
Since financial necessity is no longer a glue holding marriages together, most couples rely on the emotional bond between them to serve as the foundation for their relationship. But maintaining a strong emotional bond requires a good deal of work after the 12-18 month honeymoon ends as the neurotransmitter, oxyctocsin, begins to wane. Emotional pain and relationship problems are not easy things to deal with. As the 12x12 says, for most of us "our lives have been devoted to running from pain and problems."
When those of us who are addicted or are intimately involved with someone who is addicted recognize our powerlessness over the addiction and surrender to the process of recovery, we are setting ourselves up for a good deal of character-building behavior, whether we know it or not. Sobriety and recovery involves hard work and often frequent temporary setbacks. There are many times when we don't know how we're going to get through the day, but we find the way as we rely on our Higher Power and other people in the program to support us. Out of this process we gradually become people who learn to deal with life's problems on life's terms. And that, in turn, builds character.
I believe the same process is at work in our intimate relationships. That is where our character defects, our shortcomings, are most obvious and most frequently observed. Whether it's healing a long-term relationship severely disabled by years of addiction or it's creating and developing a new close relationship in recovery, we are going to have to make a sustained effort to become the kind of person who can be a caring, loving, responsible partner. We will not only have to recognize and take responsibility for the character defects which harm our partner and/or our relationship, we will also have to be ready and willing to let go of those character defects. As Kevin Griffin says in the quote above, we will have to be willing to make major changes with the help of our Higher Power if we are to let go of these character defects enough to sustain the viability of our relationships.
I have come to see being and remaining in a close relationship as probably the most powerful and most effective tool for building character we can find in sobriety. Although the many changes in our culture during the last forty years have made it much easier to end an unhappy marriage without dire financial or social consequences, learning how not only to stay in a long term relationship but also to thrive in it is a great source of positive self-esteem and contentment. When we do choose the character-building effort to make a relationship work over the short-term comfort of running away from pain and problems, we will indeed be more likely to find real happiness.
Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems. We never wanted to deal with suffering. Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us.
12 Steps and 12 Tradition
In order for our shortcomings to be removed, we have to be willing to make major changes.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
I saw an article this morning which said that less than half the people who married in the Seventies stayed married long enough to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The article also showed how much this contrasted with people who married in the Fifties---almost 2/3 of them celebrated a Silver wedding anniversary. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll hasn't been a very good basis for long-term marriages in the Baby Boom generation.
This is not to say that the parents of the baby boomers had marriages that were all that wonderful. Many of those people were deeply unhappy in their partnerships, but they didn't believe they had the option of ending them. This was especially true for women, who knew they faced a very difficult life financially and emotionally if they decided to end an unhappy marriage. Their daughters made sure they would not be put in this position by entering and remaining in the work force in record numbers.
Since financial necessity is no longer a glue holding marriages together, most couples rely on the emotional bond between them to serve as the foundation for their relationship. But maintaining a strong emotional bond requires a good deal of work after the 12-18 month honeymoon ends as the neurotransmitter, oxyctocsin, begins to wane. Emotional pain and relationship problems are not easy things to deal with. As the 12x12 says, for most of us "our lives have been devoted to running from pain and problems."
When those of us who are addicted or are intimately involved with someone who is addicted recognize our powerlessness over the addiction and surrender to the process of recovery, we are setting ourselves up for a good deal of character-building behavior, whether we know it or not. Sobriety and recovery involves hard work and often frequent temporary setbacks. There are many times when we don't know how we're going to get through the day, but we find the way as we rely on our Higher Power and other people in the program to support us. Out of this process we gradually become people who learn to deal with life's problems on life's terms. And that, in turn, builds character.
I believe the same process is at work in our intimate relationships. That is where our character defects, our shortcomings, are most obvious and most frequently observed. Whether it's healing a long-term relationship severely disabled by years of addiction or it's creating and developing a new close relationship in recovery, we are going to have to make a sustained effort to become the kind of person who can be a caring, loving, responsible partner. We will not only have to recognize and take responsibility for the character defects which harm our partner and/or our relationship, we will also have to be ready and willing to let go of those character defects. As Kevin Griffin says in the quote above, we will have to be willing to make major changes with the help of our Higher Power if we are to let go of these character defects enough to sustain the viability of our relationships.
I have come to see being and remaining in a close relationship as probably the most powerful and most effective tool for building character we can find in sobriety. Although the many changes in our culture during the last forty years have made it much easier to end an unhappy marriage without dire financial or social consequences, learning how not only to stay in a long term relationship but also to thrive in it is a great source of positive self-esteem and contentment. When we do choose the character-building effort to make a relationship work over the short-term comfort of running away from pain and problems, we will indeed be more likely to find real happiness.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Step Seven, Part One---Humility
Some different takes on humility
The basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
We don't think less of ourselves, we we think about ourselves less
RCA Bluebook
We allow our concept of who we are to fall away and instead face the facts of our
lives.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
An accurate assessment of our assets and liabilities
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
I had an experience yesterday that brought home one more time how central the concept of humility is to a healthy, happy relationship. Over the summer I went through a mini-health crisis when some lab results came back that were well out of the normal range. Further testing and several weeks of heavy-duty antibiotics brought the number back down to the lower range of normal. A few weeks ago S asked if I would get retested in 3 months just to be sure there is no problem. I said I would do it after the first of the year.
So yesterday, S reiterated her wish that I get retested in 3 months, which would be December. I copped an attitude and said angrily, "I'm going to do it after the first of the year!" When S retorted, "But that's 4 or 5 months away!", I adopted the evil eye, stony face, and just stared at her angrily. And stayed that way for the rest of our lunch hour. I wasn't able to let go of my self-righteous anger ("It's my body, I get to decide if and when I will get more lab tests done!!") for several hours.
And this happened just after I had written the previous post emphasizing the need for husbands to be willing to be influenced by their wives!!! No way could I say my behavior was based on a desire to seek and do God's will. I certainly was thinking more, not less, about myself and my "rights"; I wasn't letting my righteous self-concept fall away so that I could accurately assess my liabilities. It wasn't until I admitted the inappropriateness of my response first to myself and then to S, made an amends, and finally asked my HP to remove this self-righteous stubbornness which continues to plague our relationship that I was able to get back into emotional balance.
This episode was also an excellent reminder about the dangers of setting myself up as some kind of relationship in recovery guru in this blog. As I've looked back over my posts, I can see there's often an underlying subtext which declares I've got it all figured out and have reached some kind of enlightened state of being when it comes to understanding relationships in recovery. Yesterday's experience was a humiliating reminder that I've still got a long way to go before someone could say, "He really walks his talk." Thank goodness for Step Seven and its emphasis on humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings.
The basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
We don't think less of ourselves, we we think about ourselves less
RCA Bluebook
We allow our concept of who we are to fall away and instead face the facts of our
lives.
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
An accurate assessment of our assets and liabilities
Laura S., 12 Steps on Buddha's Path
I had an experience yesterday that brought home one more time how central the concept of humility is to a healthy, happy relationship. Over the summer I went through a mini-health crisis when some lab results came back that were well out of the normal range. Further testing and several weeks of heavy-duty antibiotics brought the number back down to the lower range of normal. A few weeks ago S asked if I would get retested in 3 months just to be sure there is no problem. I said I would do it after the first of the year.
So yesterday, S reiterated her wish that I get retested in 3 months, which would be December. I copped an attitude and said angrily, "I'm going to do it after the first of the year!" When S retorted, "But that's 4 or 5 months away!", I adopted the evil eye, stony face, and just stared at her angrily. And stayed that way for the rest of our lunch hour. I wasn't able to let go of my self-righteous anger ("It's my body, I get to decide if and when I will get more lab tests done!!") for several hours.
And this happened just after I had written the previous post emphasizing the need for husbands to be willing to be influenced by their wives!!! No way could I say my behavior was based on a desire to seek and do God's will. I certainly was thinking more, not less, about myself and my "rights"; I wasn't letting my righteous self-concept fall away so that I could accurately assess my liabilities. It wasn't until I admitted the inappropriateness of my response first to myself and then to S, made an amends, and finally asked my HP to remove this self-righteous stubbornness which continues to plague our relationship that I was able to get back into emotional balance.
This episode was also an excellent reminder about the dangers of setting myself up as some kind of relationship in recovery guru in this blog. As I've looked back over my posts, I can see there's often an underlying subtext which declares I've got it all figured out and have reached some kind of enlightened state of being when it comes to understanding relationships in recovery. Yesterday's experience was a humiliating reminder that I've still got a long way to go before someone could say, "He really walks his talk." Thank goodness for Step Seven and its emphasis on humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Step Six, Part Four---Readiness
I really was willing to let go of my "defects of character,: but I was in no way ready. These failings were nothing less than my barrier of defenses against the world that I had vigilantly erected during my thirty-five years. I could not let go of them until I could put something else in their place.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
Before I got clean and sober, I knew very little about how to be in a good relationship. In my first marriage, I had remained silent about my doubts and concerns. I made decisions that had a huge impact on my relationship either by making them unilaterally or by going along with my wife's wishes without saying how I felt. I was quite unwilling and unable to let my wife in and allow her to influence me in any significant way. By the time I got seriously into pot and alcohol, we had already begun to live increasingly separate lives. Pot and alcohol only made our emotional separation that much greater.
My experience with relationships during a decade of being single after divorcing my first wife only confirmed how little I knew about making relationships work. Since my focus was on drugs, sex, and rock and roll, it's no surprise that none of my relationships during this period lasted very long. Before I surrendered and admitted my addiction to alcohol and pot, I had come to the conclusion that I would be single the rest of my life.
Then I met S. She not only helped me realize the nature of my disease and the need for a program of recovery, she also taught me the fundamentals of being in a relationship and how to make it workable. Fortunately, I was finally ready to learn. And the most important way I showed that readiness was my willingness to listen to what S had to say and to take her seriously. Another way of describing this is that I was willing to be influenced by her.
Turns out that John Gottman has identified the willingness by a male partner to be influenced by his girlfriend/wife as the single most important factor in predicting which relationships will be successful. In his research Gottman saw that when a man is willing to listen fully and carefully to his female partner and to consider seriously what she is saying, the relationship thrives. Gottman is careful to say that he does not mean a perfunctory "Yes dear!" or the man not voicing his own desires and preferences. But he does mean that in successful partnerships, men are ready and willing to let their behavior and decisions be influenced by the wants and needs of their partners.
Let's face it; most of us men don't know learn much while we're growing up about how to make intimate relationships work. If we are lucky, we learn how to compete and strive to win, how to work hard to attain a goal, how to play when work is done, and other behaviors that ensure success in the world of work. But we don't learn much about what it takes to make a relationship be successful until we are taught by our partners---if we are willing to listen to them and take them seriously.
Gottman emphasizes the readiness of men to be influenced by their wives because he found that most wives most of the time are willing to be influenced by their husbands. But there is a way of being ready to have a defect removed which is important for women to learn and understand: the willingness to engage their husbands with what Gottman calls a "soft startup." By that he means that when a women brings up an issue for discussion (and 90% of the time, it's the female in a relationship who expresses a complaint or wants to talk about an issue), it is important that she do so in a lowkey, "soft" way if she wishes to be reasonably successful in engaging her husband.
Gottman found that when women start out with a lot of anger or other strong emotions, men almost invariably respond defensively and seek to end the discussion even before it has begun. He speculates that this may be because men are much more physiologically reactive (i.e., increased pulse rate and blood pressure due to increased adrenaline in the bloodstream) than women to strong emotions so that their "fight or flight" response is more quickly activated. But he also points out that when women feel they are being listened to and taken seriously, they are much less likely to be coming from a place of strong emotions when they begin an interchange with their husbands.
Those of us in recovery, both men and women, were usually guilty of these serious relationship defects when we were still practicing our addictions. We men were especially prone not to take the women in our lives seriously. And our partners had usually gotten to a place of being in a state of constant anxiety and anger long before we surrendered to recovery. It takes, therefore, a good deal of surrender and readiness to have our Higher Power remove these defects of our character and a lot of work on our part to adopt a stance of allowing our partners to influence us while letting go of our angry demands and criticisms. It is almost always a humbling experience.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
Before I got clean and sober, I knew very little about how to be in a good relationship. In my first marriage, I had remained silent about my doubts and concerns. I made decisions that had a huge impact on my relationship either by making them unilaterally or by going along with my wife's wishes without saying how I felt. I was quite unwilling and unable to let my wife in and allow her to influence me in any significant way. By the time I got seriously into pot and alcohol, we had already begun to live increasingly separate lives. Pot and alcohol only made our emotional separation that much greater.
My experience with relationships during a decade of being single after divorcing my first wife only confirmed how little I knew about making relationships work. Since my focus was on drugs, sex, and rock and roll, it's no surprise that none of my relationships during this period lasted very long. Before I surrendered and admitted my addiction to alcohol and pot, I had come to the conclusion that I would be single the rest of my life.
Then I met S. She not only helped me realize the nature of my disease and the need for a program of recovery, she also taught me the fundamentals of being in a relationship and how to make it workable. Fortunately, I was finally ready to learn. And the most important way I showed that readiness was my willingness to listen to what S had to say and to take her seriously. Another way of describing this is that I was willing to be influenced by her.
Turns out that John Gottman has identified the willingness by a male partner to be influenced by his girlfriend/wife as the single most important factor in predicting which relationships will be successful. In his research Gottman saw that when a man is willing to listen fully and carefully to his female partner and to consider seriously what she is saying, the relationship thrives. Gottman is careful to say that he does not mean a perfunctory "Yes dear!" or the man not voicing his own desires and preferences. But he does mean that in successful partnerships, men are ready and willing to let their behavior and decisions be influenced by the wants and needs of their partners.
Let's face it; most of us men don't know learn much while we're growing up about how to make intimate relationships work. If we are lucky, we learn how to compete and strive to win, how to work hard to attain a goal, how to play when work is done, and other behaviors that ensure success in the world of work. But we don't learn much about what it takes to make a relationship be successful until we are taught by our partners---if we are willing to listen to them and take them seriously.
Gottman emphasizes the readiness of men to be influenced by their wives because he found that most wives most of the time are willing to be influenced by their husbands. But there is a way of being ready to have a defect removed which is important for women to learn and understand: the willingness to engage their husbands with what Gottman calls a "soft startup." By that he means that when a women brings up an issue for discussion (and 90% of the time, it's the female in a relationship who expresses a complaint or wants to talk about an issue), it is important that she do so in a lowkey, "soft" way if she wishes to be reasonably successful in engaging her husband.
Gottman found that when women start out with a lot of anger or other strong emotions, men almost invariably respond defensively and seek to end the discussion even before it has begun. He speculates that this may be because men are much more physiologically reactive (i.e., increased pulse rate and blood pressure due to increased adrenaline in the bloodstream) than women to strong emotions so that their "fight or flight" response is more quickly activated. But he also points out that when women feel they are being listened to and taken seriously, they are much less likely to be coming from a place of strong emotions when they begin an interchange with their husbands.
Those of us in recovery, both men and women, were usually guilty of these serious relationship defects when we were still practicing our addictions. We men were especially prone not to take the women in our lives seriously. And our partners had usually gotten to a place of being in a state of constant anxiety and anger long before we surrendered to recovery. It takes, therefore, a good deal of surrender and readiness to have our Higher Power remove these defects of our character and a lot of work on our part to adopt a stance of allowing our partners to influence us while letting go of our angry demands and criticisms. It is almost always a humbling experience.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Step Six, Part Three--Sexual Addiction
Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. But when they drive us blindly...(that) is a measure of our character defects
But how many men and women speak love with their lips, and believe what they say, so that they can hide lust in a dark corner of their minds?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
For a number of years in recovery, I attended a large (100-150) men's AA meeting. At first occasionally and then more frequently, members began to talk about their increasing visits to online pornography sites as the Internet spread to virtually every household. As it became safe to talk about this issue, many members also began to acknowledge going to strip joints often and/or seeking out prostitutes. And then as sites such as Craig's List developed, some members of the group began to speak about using these sites as an easy way to "hook up." Although this was an AA meeting, the freedom to talk about these issues helped many members realize they were out of control sexually in the same way they had been out of control with alcohol and drugs. Eventually, many of them began introducing themselves as "Hi, I'm .... and I'm an alcoholic/drug addict and a sex addict."
I've seen the same thing happen in my practice. Increasingly, one of the major issues for couples is a partner (almost always the male partner) spending more and more time looking at online pornography. Just as with alcohol and drugs, there is lots of secrecy, rationalizing, minimizing, and lying. And just as is true in couples affected by alcoholism and/or drug addiction, the non-using partner is hurt, angry, and distrustful. I suspect that well over half the men who have lost control of their drinking and/or use of drugs have also already lost control of their sexual desires or will do so in recovery as they begin to substitute sex for substances.
Sex is just as much a problem for women who are addicted. I know a therapist who has worked with well over a hundred recovering women during her career, and everyone of those women had a history of sexual abuse. All of these women, she reports, struggled with their sexuality. For some the problem was getting repeatedly involved sexually with people who were harmful. For others, the problem was being unable to maintain sexual interest after making a long-term commitment to a relationship. And for yet others, there were problems with eating or compulsive spending. Although not every woman who is addicted to alcohol and/or drugs has a history of sexual abuse, I suspect that the overwhelming majority do and that their sexuality has been affected by it.
I have come to believe that for most of us in recovery, our "abundance of natural desires" do indeed "drive us blindly." And it is not only a character defect, it is a relationship defect as well because of the hurt and distrust it so often creates. In no way do I see our sexuality as "sinful;" but I do believe that unless we take an honest look at our sexuality in recovery and admit how powerless we frequently are in this area of our life, we are pretty unlikely to develop healthy, satisfying relationships as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
But how many men and women speak love with their lips, and believe what they say, so that they can hide lust in a dark corner of their minds?
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
For a number of years in recovery, I attended a large (100-150) men's AA meeting. At first occasionally and then more frequently, members began to talk about their increasing visits to online pornography sites as the Internet spread to virtually every household. As it became safe to talk about this issue, many members also began to acknowledge going to strip joints often and/or seeking out prostitutes. And then as sites such as Craig's List developed, some members of the group began to speak about using these sites as an easy way to "hook up." Although this was an AA meeting, the freedom to talk about these issues helped many members realize they were out of control sexually in the same way they had been out of control with alcohol and drugs. Eventually, many of them began introducing themselves as "Hi, I'm .... and I'm an alcoholic/drug addict and a sex addict."
I've seen the same thing happen in my practice. Increasingly, one of the major issues for couples is a partner (almost always the male partner) spending more and more time looking at online pornography. Just as with alcohol and drugs, there is lots of secrecy, rationalizing, minimizing, and lying. And just as is true in couples affected by alcoholism and/or drug addiction, the non-using partner is hurt, angry, and distrustful. I suspect that well over half the men who have lost control of their drinking and/or use of drugs have also already lost control of their sexual desires or will do so in recovery as they begin to substitute sex for substances.
Sex is just as much a problem for women who are addicted. I know a therapist who has worked with well over a hundred recovering women during her career, and everyone of those women had a history of sexual abuse. All of these women, she reports, struggled with their sexuality. For some the problem was getting repeatedly involved sexually with people who were harmful. For others, the problem was being unable to maintain sexual interest after making a long-term commitment to a relationship. And for yet others, there were problems with eating or compulsive spending. Although not every woman who is addicted to alcohol and/or drugs has a history of sexual abuse, I suspect that the overwhelming majority do and that their sexuality has been affected by it.
I have come to believe that for most of us in recovery, our "abundance of natural desires" do indeed "drive us blindly." And it is not only a character defect, it is a relationship defect as well because of the hurt and distrust it so often creates. In no way do I see our sexuality as "sinful;" but I do believe that unless we take an honest look at our sexuality in recovery and admit how powerless we frequently are in this area of our life, we are pretty unlikely to develop healthy, satisfying relationships as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Step Six, Part Two--Relationship Defects, Part Two
Abuse and abandonment are fairly obvious relationships defects. But there are several less obvious defects that are quite damaging to the health of a close relationship. Marital researcher, John Gottman, has discovered four behaviors, which he has dubbed the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which usually lead to the demise of a relationship if left uncorrected. These four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Gottman distinguishes criticism from complaints. Criticism is a negative comment about who a person is while complaint is a negative comment about a particular behavior at a particular time. Criticism is almost always detrimental to a relationship, but complaints are essential to the well-being of a relationship because they identify problems which must be solved. Criticism usually begins with the word "you" and goes on to make some negative statement about the (usually bad) kind of person "you" are. Complaints are more likely to begin with the word "I" and go on to make a statement about my feelings in response to a particular behavior in a specific situation. Criticism frequently uses the words "always" and "never," while complaints are about specific incidents.
Perhaps the most important thing about criticism is that it rarely works, at least not in a way that solves problems or deepens understanding. Usually it evokes anger and the second of the Four Horsemen, defensiveness, in the recipient. Feeling the victim, a partner on the receiving end of criticism is likely to respond by denying responsibility, making excuses, countering with a criticism, using a "yes-but" statement, whining, or several other behaviors which avoid taking any responsibility for the problem. But defensiveness works no better than criticism in resolving conflict; instead it usually just intensifies the conflict, leaving both partners angry and disheartened.
When a relationship is filled with these two defects, criticism and defensiveness, it is only a matter of time before the other two defects, contempt and stonewalling, show up. Contempt is about intentionally trying to insult or emotionally abuse a partner. Contempt comes out of feeling disgust for the other person, out of seeing that person as stupid, incompetent, or a fool. Name-calling, mockery, hostile sarcasm all convey a stance that says "I see no positive qualities in you, I have no respect for you." It is always accompanied by a sneer, although the sneer may be so fleeting that it isn't seen; nonetheless, it certainly is felt.
When a relationship is filled with contemptuous remarks and behaviors, it is in very poor shape. It isn't long before one of the partners, more often the male in a close relationship, moves to a posture of stonewalling. As the word implies, the partner becomes a stone wall, sitting or standing with folded arms and a hostile gaze, but saying nothing. The person's entire demeanor is meant to convey "I'm not listening to anything you say!" Often the stonewalling comes to an end with an enraged "Screw you!" or something similar and an abrupt stalking out of the room.
When couples find themselves in an endless cycle of negativity filled with contempt and stonewalling, they begin to avoid each other as much as possible, living increasingly separate lives. Affairs are quite common when this point has been reached. Sometimes couples will stay together in this emotionally distant place for years "because of the kids" or because neither of them wants to take the responsibility for ending the marriage. Then everyone, the couple, their children, their families, and their close friends all suffer.
Certainly we have all seen or, at least, heard about these kinds of relationships too many times in 12-Step meetings. Often people in meetings talk about the problems in their relationship being caused by too much conflict. They imagine that a good relationship is one free of arguments and disagreements. Gottman's research shows this is not the case. There are happy, thriving relationships in which partners argue loudly and often; while there are unhappy, miserable relationships in which partners rarely express an angry word. It is not the frequency or intensity of conflict that determines whether a relationship will be satisfying or unsatisfying; rather, it is the ratio of how much positive interaction occurs between two people compared to how much negative interaction they experience. In his close study of hundreds of videotapes of couple interactions, Gottman found that there were always just about five positive interactions for every negative one in happy couples; while in unhappy couples, that ratio was about one positive for every negative. In other words, the power of relationship defects is so great that it takes a considerable amount of positive behaviors to overcome them. Becoming ready to have a Higher Power remove these defective behaviors is essential for the healing and long-term health of all relationships in recovery.
Gottman distinguishes criticism from complaints. Criticism is a negative comment about who a person is while complaint is a negative comment about a particular behavior at a particular time. Criticism is almost always detrimental to a relationship, but complaints are essential to the well-being of a relationship because they identify problems which must be solved. Criticism usually begins with the word "you" and goes on to make some negative statement about the (usually bad) kind of person "you" are. Complaints are more likely to begin with the word "I" and go on to make a statement about my feelings in response to a particular behavior in a specific situation. Criticism frequently uses the words "always" and "never," while complaints are about specific incidents.
Perhaps the most important thing about criticism is that it rarely works, at least not in a way that solves problems or deepens understanding. Usually it evokes anger and the second of the Four Horsemen, defensiveness, in the recipient. Feeling the victim, a partner on the receiving end of criticism is likely to respond by denying responsibility, making excuses, countering with a criticism, using a "yes-but" statement, whining, or several other behaviors which avoid taking any responsibility for the problem. But defensiveness works no better than criticism in resolving conflict; instead it usually just intensifies the conflict, leaving both partners angry and disheartened.
When a relationship is filled with these two defects, criticism and defensiveness, it is only a matter of time before the other two defects, contempt and stonewalling, show up. Contempt is about intentionally trying to insult or emotionally abuse a partner. Contempt comes out of feeling disgust for the other person, out of seeing that person as stupid, incompetent, or a fool. Name-calling, mockery, hostile sarcasm all convey a stance that says "I see no positive qualities in you, I have no respect for you." It is always accompanied by a sneer, although the sneer may be so fleeting that it isn't seen; nonetheless, it certainly is felt.
When a relationship is filled with contemptuous remarks and behaviors, it is in very poor shape. It isn't long before one of the partners, more often the male in a close relationship, moves to a posture of stonewalling. As the word implies, the partner becomes a stone wall, sitting or standing with folded arms and a hostile gaze, but saying nothing. The person's entire demeanor is meant to convey "I'm not listening to anything you say!" Often the stonewalling comes to an end with an enraged "Screw you!" or something similar and an abrupt stalking out of the room.
When couples find themselves in an endless cycle of negativity filled with contempt and stonewalling, they begin to avoid each other as much as possible, living increasingly separate lives. Affairs are quite common when this point has been reached. Sometimes couples will stay together in this emotionally distant place for years "because of the kids" or because neither of them wants to take the responsibility for ending the marriage. Then everyone, the couple, their children, their families, and their close friends all suffer.
Certainly we have all seen or, at least, heard about these kinds of relationships too many times in 12-Step meetings. Often people in meetings talk about the problems in their relationship being caused by too much conflict. They imagine that a good relationship is one free of arguments and disagreements. Gottman's research shows this is not the case. There are happy, thriving relationships in which partners argue loudly and often; while there are unhappy, miserable relationships in which partners rarely express an angry word. It is not the frequency or intensity of conflict that determines whether a relationship will be satisfying or unsatisfying; rather, it is the ratio of how much positive interaction occurs between two people compared to how much negative interaction they experience. In his close study of hundreds of videotapes of couple interactions, Gottman found that there were always just about five positive interactions for every negative one in happy couples; while in unhappy couples, that ratio was about one positive for every negative. In other words, the power of relationship defects is so great that it takes a considerable amount of positive behaviors to overcome them. Becoming ready to have a Higher Power remove these defective behaviors is essential for the healing and long-term health of all relationships in recovery.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Step Six, Part One--Relationship Defects, Part One
Just as it is vital for us to become aware of our individual character defects if we are to recover from drug addiction, so is it essential for us to realize the nature of the defects in our closest relationships if we wish them to recover from the damage done by addiction and to thrive in recovery. During the last ten years, marital researchers, particularly John Gottman, have identified a number of behaviors that are highly damaging to the health and long-term viability of close relationships. I will outline the relationship defects that are the most harmful to mutual satisfaction in intimate relationships.
At the top of the list is abuse, both physical and emotional. Physical abuse is always toxic to the well-being of any relationship. Hitting, slapping, tripping, pinching, etc., are always destructive, causing both pain and distrust. There is no justification for any kind of physical abuse. If you or your partner or both of you cannot avoid physically abusive behavior, either the guilty party learns and applies the basics of anger management or you need to live separately from each other until this is no longer a problem. If the abuser will not change, the relationship should not continue.
Emotional abuse is also intolerable to the well-being of a close relationship. Threatening, raging, sexual put-downs, and other emotionally abusive behaviors have no place in a recovering relationship. They destroy any possibility of developing a sense of safety and trust in the relationship. Again, if one or both partners cannot stop themselves from engaging in this kind of behavior, then learning and using the tools of anger management is imperative. It is also important to pay attention to HALT and take steps to address these issues before they escalate into emotionally abusive behavior.
Abandonment is another very serious relationship defect. Running away, disappearing for an extended period of time without informing your partner of your whereabouts, storming out in anger with no word about when you will return, and other forms of physical abandonment seriously undermine your partner's sense of security and well-being in the relationship. Sexual infidelity is another form of abandonment, but it is such a huge issue that I want to address it in another post.
Threatening to leave a relationship is yet another type of abandonment. If it is used to control, manipulate, or retaliate against a partner, threatening to leave also seriously undermines a partner's sense of feeling securely attached in the relationship. When partners have insecure attachment disorders, which is true for the majority of us in recovery, such threats immediately activate either withdrawal behaviors if we are avoidantly attached or anxious demands for reassurance if we have a preoccupied attachment style (see my post of 5/9/07).
On the other hand, a straightforward statement of a desire to leave the relationship if things don't change is an appropriate behavior when we know we no longer wish to remain in the relationship unless there are major changes. We are putting our partner on notice that the statusquo is no longer acceptable and letting him or her know the depth of our dissatisfaction. But this kind of announcement should occur well before we have already made the decision to leave the relationship. It is unfair and unkind to put our partner on notice when it is already too late for him or her to do anything about it.
At the top of the list is abuse, both physical and emotional. Physical abuse is always toxic to the well-being of any relationship. Hitting, slapping, tripping, pinching, etc., are always destructive, causing both pain and distrust. There is no justification for any kind of physical abuse. If you or your partner or both of you cannot avoid physically abusive behavior, either the guilty party learns and applies the basics of anger management or you need to live separately from each other until this is no longer a problem. If the abuser will not change, the relationship should not continue.
Emotional abuse is also intolerable to the well-being of a close relationship. Threatening, raging, sexual put-downs, and other emotionally abusive behaviors have no place in a recovering relationship. They destroy any possibility of developing a sense of safety and trust in the relationship. Again, if one or both partners cannot stop themselves from engaging in this kind of behavior, then learning and using the tools of anger management is imperative. It is also important to pay attention to HALT and take steps to address these issues before they escalate into emotionally abusive behavior.
Abandonment is another very serious relationship defect. Running away, disappearing for an extended period of time without informing your partner of your whereabouts, storming out in anger with no word about when you will return, and other forms of physical abandonment seriously undermine your partner's sense of security and well-being in the relationship. Sexual infidelity is another form of abandonment, but it is such a huge issue that I want to address it in another post.
Threatening to leave a relationship is yet another type of abandonment. If it is used to control, manipulate, or retaliate against a partner, threatening to leave also seriously undermines a partner's sense of feeling securely attached in the relationship. When partners have insecure attachment disorders, which is true for the majority of us in recovery, such threats immediately activate either withdrawal behaviors if we are avoidantly attached or anxious demands for reassurance if we have a preoccupied attachment style (see my post of 5/9/07).
On the other hand, a straightforward statement of a desire to leave the relationship if things don't change is an appropriate behavior when we know we no longer wish to remain in the relationship unless there are major changes. We are putting our partner on notice that the statusquo is no longer acceptable and letting him or her know the depth of our dissatisfaction. But this kind of announcement should occur well before we have already made the decision to leave the relationship. It is unfair and unkind to put our partner on notice when it is already too late for him or her to do anything about it.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Step Five, Part Three---Benefits
There are so many positive benefits for your relationship in doing a Fifth Step. The following quotes are a sample of what some of the recovery literature promises------
For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
This vital step was also the means by which we began to get the feeling we could be forgiven, no matter what we had thought or done. Often...we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Another great dividend...is humility----a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
More realism and therefore more honesty about ourselves are great gains we make under the influence of Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Letting go of shame and grief.
Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous
Somehow by just talking aloud about my wrongs 90% of the wrongful behavior disappeared.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
I felt the weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
This vital step was also the means by which we began to get the feeling we could be forgiven, no matter what we had thought or done. Often...we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Another great dividend...is humility----a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
More realism and therefore more honesty about ourselves are great gains we make under the influence of Step Five.
12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Letting go of shame and grief.
Blue Book of Recovering Couples Anonymous
Somehow by just talking aloud about my wrongs 90% of the wrongful behavior disappeared.
Laura S, 12 Steps on the Buddha's Path
I felt the weight had lifted, the weight of self-hatred, the fear of discovery, the fear of admitting my imperfections
Kevin Griffin, One Breath at a Time
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